Another day, another waiting game
A little different but it's still the same
I am here, but where's the one I'm longing for?
I'm having trouble feeling all alone
Will my heart ever find a home?
I want to hope but sometimes I just don't know
I know I'm not the only one

So we sing a lullaby to the lonely hearts tonight
Let it set your heart on fire, let it set you free
When you're fighting to believe
In a love that you can't see
Just know there is a purpose
For those who wait

I want to open up my eyes
I know that all I need is time
I'm growing stronger every single day
God, I'm going to lean into You now
Letting go of all my fear and doubt
I can't do this on my own so I'll give You control
I know I'm not the only one

The pressure makes us stronger
The struggle makes us hunger
The hard lessons make the difference
The pressure makes us stronger
The struggle makes us hunger
The hard lessons make the difference
And the difference makes it worth it

Am I a hypocrite? I generally try and avoid being one, but I'll admit, there are times when "do as I say, not as I do" comes to mind.

Another thing that comes to mind is a question Obi Wan Kenobi poses in A New Hope (You know, the one that everyone just calls "Star Wars")

He asks, "Who is the more foolish? The fool? Or the fool who follows the fool?"

I ask, "Who is more hypocritical? The hypocrite, or the hypocrite who calls the hypocrite a hypocrite?"

It doesn't sound as nice, but still a good question I think. Tonight I was accused of having double-standards by my wife (ex-wife? soon-to-be-ex-wife? I dunno what we are anymore) because supposedly I yelled at her son for taking a toy away from my son.

Now, memory doesn't always serve me very well anymore, but as I recall, my son was hitting her son (2, and 15, respectively) with a foam sword, and her son took the sword away, and my son started crying about it. I simply asked "Why'd you take it away from him?"

Now, in retrospect, I should have not said or done anything regarding the situation, since we were at my wife's apartment, I should realize that it's "her house, her rules." and by me placing myself into the situation between the 2 boys, I set myself up for an argument.

One of the things I've learned over the last 5 years I've been in a relationship with my wife, is that there is no point in arguing with her. Regardless of how right I am, I'm wrong, and everything is my fault.

If she painted a wall white, she would insist that the white wall is as black as coal, and that it's my fault. She would assert this so stubbornly, that no matter how articulate of a conjecture I could come up with, she would cut me off before I could present it, and in return,  brute-force-smash her perception into me until I had no choice but to submit.

So now, I don't bother wasting my time or my sanity trying to show her that her assertions are not always correct, and that my opinion matters. I just forfeit. She wins by default.

I don't bother trying to knock down the wall, I just walk around it.

I do think it's funny that she tries to accuse me of being a hypocrite and having double-standards no less than 30 minutes after trying to make me feel bad since I'm considering buying a newer car and letting her have mine.

A little bit of background. She drives a minivan and hates it. I drive a compact sports sedan, and she wants it. But apaprently she doesn't want it if I have something better.

lol.

Irony: I heart you.

I’m not even sure what to write, but I feel like I need to write something, just to clear my mind.

 

I don’t know why this is so difficult. I don’t know why I can’t seem to cut myself loose. I feel like something is pulling me back, but the frustrating part, is I don’t know if it’s you, or if it’s me that won’t let go. Maybe it’s a little of both?

 

I’ve never had this much trouble before. No matter how upset I get; no matter how much you break me down, I can’t help myself. You’re like a drug to me. You make me feel so good at first, but then comes the crash. I can’t seem to break the addiction.

 I'm sick of you not asking, just assuming. I’m tired of everything being my fault. I’m tired of being the bad guy. I’m sick of bending over backwards.

 

I feel like I could give you the shirt off my back, and you would gladly take it, but then all you would do is complain about the color.

 

This weekend, for example. What would you have done if I had decided that I don’t want to bring Isaac and Eli out to go camping? What if I had decided that going to storage is too much of a hassle. What if I didn’t feel like getting the kids clothes?

 

And then what thanks do I get for cleaning up after YOUR mess?

 

You so graciously decide to let Asher sleep in MY bed, leaving me nothing but the extra blanket that I BROUGHT to try and sleep in. Only the day AFTER did you decide to tell me that there were other blankets and pillows available, that were so blatantly obvious, piled on the bed, on top of the other blankets you were using.

 

And of course it’s my fault, because I should have just moved Asher.

 

When I showed up on Saturday, the kids greeted me with whining, because I didn’t come down to the river so they could play in the water.

Huh?

“Mom said when you got here, you would come down to the river and let us play in the water”

Oh.

Gee, that might have been useful information to have.

But then that would have given me the opportunity to decline, and them mom would have to choose between actually being a parent, or being the bad guy and not letting the kids play in the water.

 

That’s OK, we’ll let Dad do the dirty work.

 

So, dad gets to be the parent when it would otherwise inconvenience Mom, but when Dad does something that upset Mom, he has no right, because he’s not actually their parent.

 

Really great system you’ve got worked out there.

I'm sick and tired of you wanting to have your cake and eat it too.

I'm sick and tired of you only wanting me around when you want something from me.

I sick and tired of the fact that I'm still in love with you, and I can't do anything to stop it.

 

Wow, I am totally in love with this new single from Disciple. Not only does it ROCK, but the lyrics are really powerful!

Dear pain, oh, it's been a long time
Remember when you were holding me tight
I would stay awake with you all night
Dear shame, I was safe in your arms
You were there when it all fell apart
I would get so lost in your beautiful lies
I let you go
But you're still chasing

Go ahead
You're never gonna take me
You can bend
But you're never gonna break me
I was yours
I'm not yours anymore
Oh, you don't own me

Dear hate, I know you're not far
You would wait at the door of my heart
I was amazed at the passion in your cries
Dear anger, you made me so high
You were faithful to show up on time
Such a flame that was burning in your eyes
I let you go
But you're still chasing

Go ahead
You're never gonna take me
You can bend
But you're never gonna break me
I was yours
But I'm not yours anymore
Oh, you don't own me

Go ahead
Put a target on my forehead
You can fire
But you've got no bullet
I was yours
But I'm not yours anymore
Oh, you don't own me

You tempted me to look back
But everything that we had together was a lie

Go ahead
You're never gonna take me
You can bend
But you're never gonna break me
I was yours
But I'm not yours anymore
Oh, you don't own me

Go ahead
Put a target on my forehead
You can fire
But you've got no bullet
I was yours
But I'm not yours anymore
Oh, you don't own me

Go ahead
Put a target on my forehead
You can fire
But you've got no bullet
I was yours
But I'm not yours anymore
Oh, you don't own me

WTB elixir of Resist Depression.

So, just feeling a tad bit lonely.

Not sure how I'm supposed to feel when I can spend 3 hours with my wife (ex-wife???) rubbing her shoulders, playing with her hair, kissing her head and shoulders, and just generally being affectionate, then ask the plaguing question: "Why shouldn't we date?" only to have her laugh and call me silly.

Yes, technically we're still married, but I'm pretty sure that's not the reason why we can't date.

Also feeling terribly torn, because (obviously) I still have very strong feelings for the wife, but have been talking with someone else too, and starting to develop feelings for her too, but not sure if they are reciprocal.

Karl loves Everybody.

Nobody loves Karl.

/emo.

I don't even know how to start this post, or where it's going, but I need to do something to clear my mind.

I'm just so pissed off with my life right now.

Before you get all Dr. Phil on me, I know that I am the only one with the power to change it.

Problem is, it's not that simple.

Five years ago, if I didn't like my job, I could just quit and get a different one. If I didn't like my roommate or my home, I could move. If my girlfriend broke up with me, I could forget her and move on.

Now it's not just Me that I need to look out for.

I have my son.

Don't get me wrong, Jesse is far and away the best thing in my life right now.

I love him to death, and I would do anything for him.

Which is why I am in the situation I am in now.

I have a decent job. It's not great, but I make decent wage, and I don't have to put forth a whole lot of effort. It would be a great job for a single guy with no responsibilities.

The problem is that I'm a single guy with one giant, blond, blue-eyed responsibility.

So, here I am, living with my mom, depressed about my failed marriage, forking over $800 a month to my wife so she can afford to keep her apartment and feed her kids.

I'm not bitter about it though, so don't get the wrong idea. I know I don't have to support her. I do it because I can, and because I care. It's not like she's using that money to go to the beach every weekend or anything like that. I know things are just as tough financially for her as they are for me. $400 a month goes right to daycare, leaving her only $400 to put towards bills and such on top of her checks, which pretty much all go towards paying rent.

Some of you have been telling me that I shouldn't care, that the only thing I should care about is me and my son. You guys need to sit down and mind your business. I'm not about to sit back and put my wife and kids on the street just so I can have a few extra dollars to spend every month. If you would do something like that, then you really need to evaluate your life and your relationships with other people.

Where are the other boys' dads? why aren't they helping at all?

I don't know, and quite frankly, I don't give a fuck.

I am not them.

Unlike them, I am willing to sacrifice in order to help people I care about. Maybe that's the difference. Maybe I CARE. Period.

Yes, it puts a hell of a strain on me, and it puts an even greater strain on my relationship with my mom. Neither of us want me here.

I know she would be much happier if I just came to visit once and a while, and I sure as hell know that I would be much happier with a studio apartment, or even a small 2-bedroom with a roommate that doesn't suck.

But you know what, I am willing to do ANYTHING for my son, even if it means be miserable for a while.

I love you Jesse.

I wish things could have turned out differently for me and your mom, because I would have loved to have been able to give you a real family. Your mom is an amazing woman, and don't let anyone ever tell you otherwise.

We all have our faults. Don't be afraid to remind people of that when they judge others. The important thing is that you identify yours and grow from them.

I love making up words.

But that's besides the point of today's post.

First, my apologies to my readers for the delay. I know you both look forward to my updates, and I am grateful!

Now, on to the topic at hand.

As I posted briefly about on my Facebook page, I really need to learn to accept compliments.

Last night, I grilled up a couple of steaks for mom and Tom, and mom says "Wow Karl! I'm impressed! These look fantastic" or something thereabouts.

My first reaction was that I didn't know whether to bask in the glory of another satisfied diner, due to my awesome culinary skills, or to shudder at the thought of someone having low-enough-expectations regarding my grilling expertise to warrant being impressed with what I would consider an average performance.

"Well, no shit it's awesome! I cooked it!"

Today at work, my supervisor live-monitored 2 of my calls and graded them. I scored an 87% on Call A and a 96% on Call B. She was honestly quite impressed, and made a point to tell me that those 2 calls were better than a vast majority of the rest of the call center, some of whom have been doing this for years.

For me, it was nothing new. I've been doing call center gigs for a while now, and my expectations are very high for myself.

My dilemma is, how can I honestly accept compliments regarding my performance, without lowering my expectations.

I pride myself in my ability to do well, and I strive to do better.


I think it's mostly the surprise that bothers me.

I don't think I would get upset about someone coming to me and saying, Great job Karl, another stellar performance! Keep up the good work!"

It's when my excellence catches people by surprise. I feel like they were expecting less of me, and the fact that I did better than they were anticipating means that they have been working in a sub-standard environment all along.

I make no claims to be the best. I know there will always be somebody better than me in some aspect, but that doesn't stop me from trying.


Thank you readers.

Continue to be your own motivation for improvement.

I've decided that being separated is the new taboo for men. Apparently it's perfectly normal for women. I'll stumble into break room discussions involving a few of my female coworkers, and there's no problem with them talking about their baby-daddy, or how their man is no good, and all their other relationship drama. I do my best not to eaves-drop and butt-in, but when people ask me how my weekend was, the topic inevitably comes up, because I usually have Jesse on weekends. It never fails, as soon as I bring up being separated, it's like I started talking about wanting to murder the Pope. people just kind of get silent and decide they have more pressing issues to attend to.

Human nature is a curious thing. I've decided humans are entirely socially inept. We simply can't function around other humans outside of a particular set of "safe" parameters. Once we move outside of those boundaries, we simply short-circuit and can't process anything.

How many of you (lol. there I go addressing my "readers" again!) have even been in that awkward situation where you ask a mundane question, expecting a mundane answer you can disregard?

"Hey Bob. Heard your sister was in town for a few days! How was that?"

"Oh, well... She's OK I guess. The doctors still can't figure out what's wrong with her, and so she was mostly visiting to prepare her estate..."

"Hey, that's great buddy! Well, I gotta go. only got 14 more minutes of break!"

So, I figured that I would take the first step and announce it to the entire internet:

My wife and I are separated. I am currently living with my mother trying to figure out my life and my finances.

Ladies, This doesn't mean I only want to talk to you to try and get in your pants. I don't want to sleep with you. Guys, I don't have some kind of highly-contagious disease that causes impotence.

Can we please get past this? I'd really like some people to talk to and/or hang out with.

How did we get here? I used to know you so well.

How can I decide what's right when you're clouding up my mind? I can't win your losing fight all the time.


I'd do anything to have her to myself. Just to have her to myself, but now I don't know what to do when she makes me sad.
She is everything to me, the unrequited dream. A song that no one sings. The unattainable. She's the myth that I have to believe in. All I need to make it real is one more reason. I don't know what to do when she makes me sad.

But I won't let this build up inside of me.

A catch in my throat. Choke. Torn into pieces I won't... No! I don't want to be this, but I won't let this build up inside of me.

She isn't real. I can't make her real.

I understand this now.  It doesn't matter what I want, it only matters what's right, and what's real. What I want is not real. Whether or not it ever was is irrelevant, because for now at least, I need to focus on what's real and what's right for me.

Am I sad? Absolutely.

Is it hard? Almost unbearable.

Will it get better? Time will tell.


Even though I have been here many times before, each time is so different from the others that it's not even comparable.

Yet, from the ashes, a phoenix will rise.

Or for all you fantasy geeks out there:

All that is gold does not glitter, not all those who wander are lost; the old that is strong does not wither, deep roots are not reached by the frost. From the ashes a fire shall be woken, a light from the shadows shall spring; renewed shall be blade that was broken, the crown-less again shall be king.

Just another emotional boil-over.

I miss my son. Hearing my wife tell me about how much he misses me, and how he wakes up in the middle of the night asking for me absolutely tears me up inside.

What kind of a father am I? I see my son maybe 3 or 4 days a week. I am by no means a role model for him to look up to. I am about the furthest thing from successful. I barely make enough to support my family, with just enough left over to afford enough gas to get to work every day.

I've spent the last 10 years throwing away a $20,000 college prep elitist high school education. I fucking dropped out of junior college. It's not even REAL college! I can't tell even people I'm a college dropout, because I never went to a real college.

Anyway, enough dwelling on the negative aspects of my life. I don't need to go down that road. First off, it could take the better part of a couple of hours documenting it all, and secondly, it's just not healthy. It's only going to lead to me being more upset and depressed.

Let's shift focus to the positive aspects.

Or at least, as I see myself, and feel free to jump in, all of you diligent "Not Porn" readers, and give me a little shot of self-confidence.

Ha. Look at me, assuming people actually read my blog when I don't specifically tell them to.



Well, there you go, there's a good place to start on the positive list.

I'm an optimist!
I'm a hopelessly (and sometimes blindly) devoted Husband.
I'm a nice guy (although a character perk, I'm not sure if this is actually a good thing... We all know where nice guys finish)
I'm funny. (If you don't think so, then your sense of humor is probably a little SUCK!)
I can cook well (even if I don't very often)
I kick ass at WoW (even though I don't play anymore, and my guild was always fail at raiding)
I'm an awesome driver. (If you don't agree, it's only because you're that guy behind me, or in front of me, or a passenger)
I'm a good shot.
I'm a good writer.
I have great taste in music.
I open doors for ladies.
I don't do drugs
I don't drink to excess
I'm good with people
I'm freaking brilliant! (Well, OK, so maybe that's a stretch, but I have an IQ of 138 and scored a 1280 on my SATs without studying at all)
I'm creative (Finding unnecessarily complicated ways of doing something counts as creative, right?)
I'm good in bed *  (It may not be appropriate, but hey, who's reading, right?
I'm well-rounded (I mean I'm freaking awesome at everything, NOT that I'm pudgy)
I'm mechanically-inclined.
I'm not ugly (I can't honestly call myself handsome. But if anyone else wants to, go for it!)
I'm handy around the house
I can change a diaper.
I'm a good listener
I give good advice
I make a good punching bag
I'm just plain Awesome.

That's all I've got for now. I'm sure I could come up with more, but I figured I'd leave some room for the rest of you.


*If you can personally attest to this, feel free to do so publicly. If you can personally rebut this, please feel free to do so PRIVATELY.