lostwolf | Acquainted with the Night

Chapter 1, Chapter 2, Chapter 3, Chapter 4, Chapter 5, Chapter 6, Chapter 7, Chapter 8, Chapter 9, Chapter 10, Chapter 11, Chapter 12, Chapter 13,Chapter 14,Chapter 15, Chapter 16,Chapter 17, Chapter 18

Chapter 19. Funeral

Rose stayed in her room for hours. The only reason the Doctor did not break in was because the TARDIS assured him Rose was well. So he did something he had not done for anyone before, he waited, just waited. He took the TARDIS into the vortex and then sat on the console bench and waited for Rose, trying not to contemplate the possibility that the empty console room might be his future, that she might want to go home, that she might leave him.

Five hours and fifty-four minutes after he had taken them into the vortex, he heard Rose’s door open and the soft pad of her feet as she walked slowly towards the console room. She sounded tired, he thought, realising that whatever she had been doing in her room it was not sleeping. He slipped from the bench, standing up, squaring his shoulders in preparation for what was to come. He desperately wanted to fold his arms in front of his chest, form a shield against whatever pain he would have to endure, but he forced himself not to, knowing that this was a hurt he could not repel and that shutting Rose out now would make the hurt more inevitable, not less so. Even so, at the sight of her drawn pale face he nearly withdrew. She was entirely bare, face scrubbed clean – she had never looked more vulnerable, nor more terrifying.

He watched her, waiting, but it seemed that, in making it this far, she had exhausted her momentum and she simply stood, silent and withdrawn, her gaze focused somewhere to the left of him.

‘Rose,’ his voice cracked and he swallowed hastily before trying again, ‘Rose, please, talk to me!’

Slowly, she raised her eyes to his and he winced at the hurt he saw there. She had been damaged after her father’s death, sad and grieving and afraid, but she had never looked broken. She looked broken now, though, like something irrevocable had been lost. It took all his strength not to look away from her; he was used to broken, he saw it in the mirror every morning, but seeing it in her eyes was almost more than he could bear. She looked at him for a long time and he waited, willing her to speak, knowing that if she didn’t talk to him soon it would be too late.

When she finally spoke her voice was surprisingly strong, strained, too long unused and raw from too many tears, but it did not waver. Despite her grief, there was still strength in her.

‘I let you fire a missile at me, I understood when you shut me in with a Dalek, I even understood when you showed me my world blowing up. And it wasn’t because you travelled in time, or because you were Mr Impressive, it was because it was you. You were the man who took my hand and said run. You were the man who tried to save my dad even though you knew it was wrong. And I’m just a shop girl with no life, no future, no ‘A’ levels.’

She stepped towards him and he had to resist the urge to step backwards. As the words spilled from her, slow and controlled and so calm, he realised that this was what she had been doing in her room, she’d been thinking and he’d been found to be wanting.

She stopped just before him, looking him in the eye, ‘I get it, I do. I know I’m not all that, but you made me feel… I’ve never felt like I was nothing before, Doctor, but you made me feel that that’s what I am. But you’re wrong. I’m not nothing. And I’m not just a stupid ape either. I saw things on that planet, things that you didn’t and you ignored me. I tried to help you and you hurt me.’

He swallowed, remembering his response to her seeing his nightmare, his rejection of her. How could he explain it to her? He’d wanted to protect her, nothing more, but instead he had hurt her. He might be able to make her understand that, but his casual dismissal of her suspicions on Raxophilia, how would he explain that? She stared up at him and he knew he couldn’t because there was no excuse for it. She stared at him and he knew she saw his guilt.

‘You didn’t trust me,’ she said quietly, ‘not like I trusted you. You didn’t trust me and now a kind girl who helped me has been murdered and a little dog who loved me is dead.’ She stepped back from him, her arms curling around her waist in the first outward sign of her distress.   ‘You treated me like I was stupid and other people paid the price.’ Slowly, she turned away from him, retreating back towards the corridor. At the edge of the console room she looked back at him, her hand gripping a support strut so tightly her knuckles stood out white, ‘You were wrong, Doctor, and I know I shouldn’t blame you for Estellige and Sniff, but I do. Right now I really really do.’

‘Rose!’ Only as she moved to leave did he find his voice, his cry hoarse and desperate. Her retreat arrested, he stepped towards her, forgoing the support of the bench against his thighs, moving into the open, nothing but air between them, willing her to see the truth in him. ‘You’re right. I made a mistake, mistakes, and I’m sorry.’ She turned back to him, eyes wide and pained. He drew in a deep breath, letting his guard drop for her, hoping she would see how truly sorry he was. ‘Tell me what to do and I’ll do it, Rose.’

‘I need to bury Sniff.’

He nodded, ‘Of course, we can do that. I can help you do that.’

‘Thank you.’

‘The TARDIS has a garden. We could bury him there.’ Rose nodded once and the Doctor waited, hoping that there was more. When nothing came he reached out towards her, before letting his hand come to rest on the piece of console by his side instead, knowing that his touch was no longer welcomed as it had been.

‘I know I can’t undo this, but, please, Rose, let me make it up to you.’

He wanted to cry out at the emptiness in her eyes as she looked into his, ‘I’m sorry, Doctor, I don’t know if you can.’

They buried Sniff the next morning in one of the TARDIS gardens. Rose remained silent throughout. The TARDIS had created a little headstone for him on a rise that looked out over a small wood filled with creatures Sniff would have loved to chase. The Doctor had taken off Sniff’s collar and given it to her, thinking she would like to keep it, remembering that humans liked mementos like that. She’d taken it wordlessly and then retreated to her room, pausing only to stroke the wall of the TARDIS in silent gratitude for her solicitude.   He’d let her go, afraid to pursue her in case his worse fears were confirmed and he found her packing and preparing to leave him. If he stayed away perhaps the inevitable could be held off for just a little longer, perhaps, for a little longer, he would not have to contemplate a life without her.

It was almost evening again, almost ten hours since he had last seen her, almost twenty-four since her last sad words to him. He functioned on autopilot, prodding at his ship, finding himself holding cold cups of tea that he had made hours earlier and simply forgotten. The TARDIS too was subdued, her song lilting with loss and not a little trepidation in his head.
He was so busy trying to deny the ache in his hearts, trying to pretend that he would be able to take her home if she asked, that he didn’t know Rose had entered the console room until she spoke.

‘We’re friends, yeah?’

He started, shocked to discover her before him, to hear her voice, no longer expressionless, firm and strong once more. He stared at her, slack-jawed and entirely unable to respond.

‘Better with two, that’s the drill. I’m your plus one. Friends, travelling companions. Right?’

He nodded dumbly, his frantic scrabbling mind noting that she was not holding a backpack, was not asking him to take her home.

‘You want me to stay?’

‘Yes.’ He virtually shouted his affirmation, his voice clipped and rough and undeniably desperate. She nodded slowly.

‘Okay. But if I stay, things have to be different. Friends share, Doctor. Friends talk to one another. Friends trust one another. Friends don’t dismiss each others feelings or ideas out of hand, they don’t make each other feel small or stupid and they don’t, they absolutely don’t, force each other to choose one friend over the other.’ She walked up to him very slowly, raising her hand and running it gently down his rigid face. ‘I want to stay with you, Doctor, but it has to be as your friend. It can’t just be on your terms, your rules. It has to be our terms, our rules.’ Her hand left his face, ghosted across the hand clenched against his thigh, before falling to her side. ‘If you can’t live with that then you’d better take me home now. I vowed a long time ago never to let a man use me again, Doctor, and that applies regardless of whether he’s a worm like Jimmy or an amazing alien with a beautiful ship that takes me to the stars.’ She stepped away from him. ‘You don’t have to decide now. Just … well, tell me in the morning.’ She turned away and began to move out of the room and suddenly he found his voice.

‘No!’ Rose turned back, her face pale, tears starting in her eyes.

‘No?’ Her voice quavered, but remained calm.

‘No! I don’t have to wait.’ He launched himself away from the console, making it to her side in two long strides, grabbing her into a desperate embrace before she had had time to register his movement. ‘I can do that, Rose. Partners. That’s us. Our rules. I can do that. I promise. I can do that.’ He held her tight against him, feeling the tremor beneath her skin as she began to cry against him. ‘Oh Rose,’ he exclaimed, pulling back so he could tilt her face towards him and press a fraught kiss against her forehead, ‘I don’t think I could take you home now. Please don’t make me try.’ Rose released her breath in a taut, choked little sob and wrapped her arms around him, burrowing her head into his jumper, clinging to him like her life depended on it.

‘I won’t,’ she sobbed, ‘I don’t want to go home either.’

He laughed in relief, grabbing her and pulling her off the ground, swinging her with delighted abandon, his stern face transformed by a ridiculously broad grin.

‘No more talk of leaving then?’ He asked, need and fear evident despite his light-hearted tone.

‘No. No leaving.’ She promised.

‘Fantastic!’ he exclaimed, grinning like a lunatic as she sobbed and laughed, mascara running in black rivers down her face. She had never looked more beautiful. She was staying.

Chapter 20

Current Mood: mellow

Tags:

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Date: 2008-03-19 03:13 pm (UTC)

From:

Page Summary

Style Credit

Expand Cut Tags