Cross Bearer...

I moved in w/ Hayley. I know it's been a couple months since it happened but I figure that i finally give an update on this. I have to admit that it is a lil bit scary. Even 2 months later, i'm still a lil bit frighten by the fact that I'm living w/ her.

we have our ups and downs but I'm really happy that we moved in. The distance was going to be the death of us and I think that was the biggest issue that all my previous relationships had. Sooner or later, I got tired of making the trips back and forth. With Karina... with Michelle... with Liz.. with Gabbie... with everyone. Having to drive 30+ mins everytime to see your gf gets to a person. Sooner or later it just become annoying, especially when it's the middle of the night and especially when it's always you having to make the trips.

Nothing against the other ladies (except Karina and Jackie b/c they tried to kill me) I guess I tried to keep a smiling face and be happy but honestly, i just felt like I was giving and giving but never receiving anything back.

sigh. With that said... AX is coming up and from what I heard from Michelle is that Liz is going. I'm really hoping that I don't run into her. I honestly don't know if I can face her. I hear that she is happy in her new relationship and I honestly do wish her well but I dont know if I can handle the fact that she's moved on. Is that weird?

Here i am, in a relationship w/ hayley where we have moved in together and yet, I can't handle knowing that my ex has moved on and is happy even though I want her to be happy. (i told one of my friends that had a crush on her that he should go for it and I approved of it. He didn't want to b/c of the "bro-code" lolol)

Maybe i'm not over it. I am but i"m not yeah know? LIke I still feel bad that I hurt her feeling and broke her heart. She was always an amazing person but I just couldn't deal with the distance. idk.. I guess i shouldn't care.

It's crazy. I didn't think I would ever do something like this. It's been hard adjusting to it but I think it's for the best. I mean, I"ve tried to get one of my other ex's to move in with me but she didn't want to.

I finally figured out that it's been the distance that has always fucked with my relationship (well other then the fact that I'm a fuck up but that's a different story all together.)

Personally... I LOVE THE FACT THAT I DON'T GOTTA DEAL WITH MY FAMIILY. Finally some peace and quiet..

That depressed the shit outta me.. It was suppose to be a joke (something from College Humor) but it described me 100%. I am mediocre.. I've never excelled at any one talent or ability. I'm like the character in a game that overall is semi-useful because he touches bases in all the abilities you might need in your journey but won't put in your party because he's only not useful in "tough" situations.

That's the story of my life. I've never had the drive or ambitions to aim high. I'm just another body in the crowd and i know it but instead of motivating me to aim high... part of me just accepts the fact that I can't do more. or maybe I choose to not do more.

Others will sit there and blame the outside world but I'm at least smart enough to realize... It's just me. No one else is to blame for my slip up or my lack of drive/motivation... I just wish I knew something that would make me stick to my guns. I start having drive at times but sooner or later, I just curl up and die inside.

I'm gonna turn 50/60 someday, look back and realize that.... I'm my worst enemy. That nothing amazing or wonderful will be accomplished by me. That my life was the boringest adventure ever.

sigh... excuse me while I curl up and die..

I was looking at old pictures from back in my raving days and It dawned on me. Those were my happiest days. I was living the rock star lifestyle. Sex, drugs and pounding technomusic. yes, I know that's a bad thing. I know that I wasted alot of time and I could've been doing better things with my life around then but... I was happy. I didn't have a care in the world and if I did, I wasn't sober enough to really care.

Yet, I know that I can't go back. As much as I wish I could, I can't. I'm on the path to doing better things with my life and that would sidetrack me. Yet... I miss the partying.. I also miss throwing parties. I miss being in charge of the events. I miss having people under me and I could tell them what to do while I went and hit the pipe. lol.

I don't want to be in charge at my current job b/c of all the politics but when I was raving. I still had a love for it. I knew that people came there to get fucked up and do stupid shit but I also knew that people were happy at my events. Sure, people might've been ruining their lives but at least they were also happy.

Isn't that what life is about? It's so short as it is, why not just be happy and enjoy the ride while we can? We're all gonna die eventually. There is nothing we can do about it and it's not like we can take the memories with us.

I know I'm rambling madness. I know that what I'm saying isn't healthy. Part of me want to just vent this out and never think about it again but part of me wants to go down that spiral again. *sigh*

I like Hayley, don't get me wrong but there are too many issues. 1. She's so scared of change/facing things that she refuses to move forward.

She's got a felony on her record because of something our friend, shooter, did. He left Ridaline(sp) in her car and got pulled over. Having prescription drugs without a prescription is a felony>_< Well I've been telling her that she should look into getting that removed from her record but she's so scared of what might happen that she doesn't want to move forward with it. Yet she complains about her job and how she wants to change her life but doesn't do anything about it.

It bothers me to hear her complain about how she wants a new job or go back to school but this felony on her record "won't let her". She doesn't even look into it and she doesn't even try to apply at another job because of the fact that "they're gonna see the felony on her record, so what's the point?"

It bothers me alot because YOU NEVER TRY, YOU'LL NEVER KNOW..

Then she's also very co-dependant. I don't mind making other people happy but when they rely on me 100%(or close to it), it bothers me alot. I don't want to be the 1 source of happiness. I mean, that's alot of responsibility and stress. I feel like being place in a HIGH mountain and the slightlest move will make me fall from grace.

Then she sulks. She'll sit in her room bored and complain about how she doesn't have anything to do but then when I tell her "why don't you watch something on netflix or play the xbox", her response is that "she doesn't want to waste away her day..." well sitting in your room and sulking isn't exactly any better.

I've already talked to her about this and I want to try to work this out but part of me already feels like "i'm checking out".

It doesn't help that I've been having dreams about my ex's. Been dreaming of Michelle and Liz.>_< Great. Nothing against them but that makes it awkward to wake up to that.

Speaking of michelle. We've been talking again. I'm actually really glad that we're on speaking terms again and I'm glad that life seems to be going better for her. She's working fulltime. She's really into the roller derby stuff. It is a lil awkward that her and Liz are becoming friends but I'm glad that they're friends. Everyone needs more friends, right?

I'm working on quitting and I'm going a lil crazy right now..

I'm stressed about school, work, my relationships, the fact that honestly.. I wanna just be left alone and be a hermit but I already know the gf won't let me... So i'm honestly considering dropping her. I just wanna be alone.

http://www.asofterworld.com/index.…

Blah

I'm depressed....I can't even beginning to put on paper what is running thru my head but I'll try.

I don't feel that I'm too much of a hassle for everyone to be forced to deal... I feel like everyone is too much of a hassle for me to deal with.

Does that make sense? I don't want social interaction with people. I just want to go to work, pay my bills, get laid, tell the person to go home or maybe stay and cuddle (idk yet) and then be left to my devices (literally devices- Computer/xbox/etc)

I hate social interaction. I always have but I force myself to take part in it because otherwise people will think I'm an asshole or think that I'm weird. I don't know why I care but I do.

Is that weird?

So on X-mas day/26th.. I got into a major car accident.. I hydroplaned and hit the wall.. Once I hit the wall, I ended up rolling my car at least 2-3 times. I can't remember.. it is all kind of a blur to me right now but I survived with just minor bruises and cuts.

Sadly, I can't say the same for my car. My poor serenity is wrecked. The other day, I sold her to a salvage yard and god, I cried my lil heart out. People keep saying "oh it's just a car" Or "You should be thankful that it wasn't you that had to be put in the graveyard" but no one understands the connection that I had with this car.

She was like a best friend. I would go out for drives with her. Just have a smoke and talk as if she could listen to me. I busted so many missions because of her. If it wasn't for her, I would've never been able to date Michelle or LIz, b/c my previous car would've not lived through the constant drives. Because of her I was able to make alot of wonderful memories....Sigh. I'm going to miss her.

just to give you an idea..

On top of the stress of losing my car.. I've been having a few headaches lately that have had me worried that it might be something more serious.

And on top of that... once again I think I've made some mistakes bout my love live. I've been having dreams regarding some of my recent ex's..

After the break up with liz, I was really broken up about it. She was an amazing person but I couldn't handle her issues. The depression.. how negative she could be.. the fact that she wasn't drinking anymore made her into a person that I didn't know anymore.. Of course I wasn't going to tell her "BABE! you need to start drinking b/c seriously, you're a buzz-kill"..

After the break up, Hayley was there to pick up the pieces and i figure that I can't let myself dwell on the past. I also figured that moving on was the fastest way to get over the break up. People seem to think that I was okay with it and I wasn't hurt by the fact that I broke up with her, but I cried. Alot...

It was a mistake. I should've spent more time dwelling instead of moving on. Idk, I guess I tried to talk to Liz again when I went to pick my stuff from her house but she yelled at me to get out... so I figure I should just leave her alone since I already caused enough harm.

idk, I've been having these dreams lately and honestly, I shouldn't focus on it but I can't help it. I keep waking up in the middle of the night.. I've haven't gotten a good night of sleep b/c of dreams like these or dreams regarding the accident. it's starting to wear me out.

Sigh.. I need to go back to my psych and see what he says..