So im totally taking back what i said in all the past entries about love and all that crap... The guy i was talking about may not be the right guy for me...
ok so theres this other guy who will always have a place in my heart, he is a friend and a close one at that... we did sorta like each other in the past but because of the fact that he lives 20 minutes away we dont see each other much at all... but when u cant have what u want it makes u want it more... so now we have started talking and hanging out more and things are starting again but we both dont want to admit that their is more their incase we lose grasp of this happiness.
ah i hate boys... lol anyone agree?? all they do is come into your life and break your heart or you break theirs but same thing right? anyways if anyone gets my story or wants to help me out feel free to write
So just when you think your gonna have an awesome weekend something bad always has to happen... or i, being the mistake maker i am lately is stupid and screws it up... Well I wont go into crazy detail but lets just say making mistakes sucks alot. You don't know until it happens how many people your choice affects, i guess it all coincides somehow, no matter what you do. Today I had one of those days where i just needed to clean, so i took apart my whole room and cleaned it all!!! Not one corner was left untouched, as i was doing that I had alot of time to think of what i have been doing with my life lately, what choices i should make and have made. You never realize how many choices you make in a day until you sit down and go through ALL of them. And being a teenager you never make the right ones...and i know this is a trial everyone goes through, but when does it end! You think after being here for so long i would realize what is right by now and possibly see what i have to loose or have already lost.
But now on to a different topic...love. Ya well this just plain sucks sometimes, I know that im young and i may not be with the person i want to be with now, but hey is it so wrong to just really want to be with someone. Now you know what sucks more...? Loving someone that pretty much everyone around you doesnt like... I can see why these ppl may not be found of him but the thing is he hasent done one thing to them that is bad or to even try to hurt them... he tries so hard to make it easier on by making my friends and parents like him. And sure all my friends say well ya hes a good guy but when it comes to being with me, its never right... I just dont understand and i dont think im ready to completely let go of what I have, even though i made the move to break up with him in the first place... Omg k this sounds like a soap opera... But its true
I guess ill learn to deal with these things as I grow, but hopefully i grow fast...
Well for anyone who reads this i had started a journal a few years ago and never followed through with it so now im starting over. I guess thats been a common theme in my life these days... but it happens. Um well to start I will be writting this like I am writting to myself, it will be a diary of my daily or weekly or random days events and it might seem like bitching sometimes but hey, nobady has to read this. So here it goes... I am a 17 year old girl with a mind that loves to run a million miles a minute. But im not the type of girl that goes around and complains about it either. I tend to keep alot to myself which is why i think this journal will probably become my way to get things in order, which is another thing im horrible at. Right now in my life I feel like i am at a major stand still, though school is going well and i am in my last year or high school and going to college, i dont feel as though i have grown up and matured in this experience. Comming into High School i knew no one, absolutly no one! And to start that whole thing not having a support system and wondering who would make good friends was hard for the first few months and eventually i found a few but man was it a rocky road. Starting off like that i became very insecure very quickly. And to this day i do not believe i have grown away from that much at all. And being in grade 12 and not being confident sucks! Sure i like to go out and have fun but meeting people and talking to them has always been hard for me unless the other person makes it easy. I struggle often with this and wish i had the key to self confidence. But I know eventually, well hopefully that comes with experiencing the world and seeing what it has to offer me through my life. Now on a totally other topic, when you love someone you are supposed to know and be 100% sure that that is the one you want to be with for however long. But when that love dies off because of my lack of confidence and my lack of ability to take that chance and say what im thinking, that is a heart breaker. Thought i was the one who broke it off i still live with that decision everyday. But when that person decides that may theirs a second chance, all i want to do is be a better person to make it work. But at the same time do i really want to be in the relationship that hurt so much to end in the first place? Things just dont make sence, another teenage relationship... ick! But for now this is the end...
crappy