today I realized that I've been a part of the online Harry Potter fandom since at least 2005.
That's 8 years.
I can't even list all the things the fandom has given me. A few of them are a trip to California, friends from all over the world, improved writing, countless jokes, tears, laughter and one of my best friends in the world.
Worked out this morning. The truth is that I love and hate it. But it's good for me.
I want to be healthy, yes, but part of me cannot wait until I look so fucking amazing that the ex-men in my life look at me with their tongues hanging out of their open mouths.
In very unrelated news.. I do not want to go to work today.
I feel the urge to text you, but I know that's a bad idea. So I'm going to ramble here for awhile until I get all my feels out. And I have so many feels. All of the feels.
Facebook tells me that you're having a grand old time in the city today. That's nice. I had to fight to get you out of your house, but you can jump on a train and head up to the city for a day of fun. Never mind that you didn't ever want me to meet your friends. Never mind that you didn't tell anyone we were sleeping together for MONTHS. No, I was just some dumb fucking secret that you kept hidden. And you wonder why I feel like you used me. You've asked me before if I really believe you could treat me like that and now I can say yes. Yes, I can believe that you'd use me and toss me aside because THAT IS WHAT YOU DID.
I don't like telling people how I feel. I don't like having feelings for people. You fought me to be open with you. You pushed me to be more emotional and honest and look what happened. I was vulnerable and you left. What lesson were you trying to teach just then? That you're a prick? I aced that lesson, you giant jerk of a person.
What pisses me off the most is that we were friends for so long. I've always defended you. I stood by your side when you were at your lowest. I put my own needs and wants aside to help you. GEE, DOESN'T THIS SOUND FAMILIAR? Because I did the same thing with my ex-husband. All you've managed to teach me is that being selfish and cold is better than being loving and open. Congrats. Because now when a good guy does come along I will be so scared to be the woman I should be. I'll be scared because I'm going to remember that you ran away from happiness as fast as your feet your carry you.
And you still haven't spoken to me. Not one word. Was I so easy to cut out of your life? You badgered me to be in your life again and got me to cross that line and now I'm the one left alone and hurting. Was it worth it to you? Was it worth losing your only real friend? I've had to email and text my only two guy friends and ask them if I was a shitty girl. I needed them to tell me it wasn't me. They both think I'm amazing. Too bad I didn't fall for good, honest and kind men like them. Instead I fell for you. I fell for you harder than I fell for my ex-husband.
I will get over you. I know that. I don't think I'll ever forget you and I don't want to. Because even though you broke my heart, I am glad it all happened. "Some things are worth having your heart broken for." Truer words were never spoken, Sarah Jane Smith. The good we had was SO good that I can't hate you completely. You brought me back to life after my marriage ended. You made me feel desired and wanted and beautiful and whole. You broke my heart and treated me like shit in the end, but it wasn't all bad.
You're never going to see this post. I don't use this journal anymore. But it all needs to be said and this is where I can say it.
I hate you. Right now, sitting on my sofa and holding back tears.. I hate you. I hate you for what you did. I hate you for hurting me. I hate you for lying to me and for letting me down. I hate you for not being the man I needed you to be or wanted you to be. I hate you for using me.
I hate myself, too. I wanted love and I fooled myself into believing I could have that with you. Because you told me you loved me. You told me that it was more than sex. You told me there were feelings between us, that I was the only person who could make you happy. You told me I made you happy. That we were special. We were different. You fed me lie after lie and I ate them all up like an idiot. All because I wanted to be loved.
I've never been this hurt in my life. I spent ten years with Greg and he never hurt my heart like you have. But what's worst is I think I'd forgive you for it all. I want to walk away from you and be strong and be over you, but I can't. I can't be over you. Because as long as we both walk this planet, you and I will be linked together. I can't forget 28 years of friendship. I can't ignore the longest friendship I've had in my life.
You said I was like family to you. That means more than you can possibly understand. I believe family is made up of the people you choose, not the people you were born to. And my family.. the people I've chosen to make up the tight knit circle of love.. I'd do anything for those people. I would've done anything for you. I guess I expected the same from you. I expected you to care enough about me to see what my needs were. But you didn't. You've never seen my needs. It's always been about you and your needs and your desires and your wants and your problems and your faults and all I am here for is to make you feel better. That's it. I'm just here to be your medication.
I am the lowest I've ever been. I am envious and angry towards everyone in my life right now. But I can't tell people that. I can't tell people how unhappy I am because they try to make me see the good part of my life. I don't want a silver lining. I want you.
When I hear girls like me I get angry at them. I don't understand how they can cling to something that wasn't likely there to begin with. And then I picture you. I see your smile and your incredible blue eyes. I see the way you look at me and I understand. I am not choosing to love you. I have no say in that matter. I wish I did. I wish I could turn my feelings off with the flip of a switch, but I can't.
I love you more than I loved my husband and I hate myself for that.
Knowing that you could let me walk away without a second thought has broken my heart. I would've fought for you for the rest of my life. You couldn't reply to a text.
So how in the hell am I supposed to forget you when you've been in my heart for 28 years?
I was happy once. Once upon a time I was happy. I thought I had everything figured out and settled and now I'm alone. I'm not doing so well with being alone. I'm really not. I'm struggling with it every single time I'm in this apartment by myself. And, yes, I could go out but going out means spending money and I can't really afford to do that right now.
So I have to be alone. The people in my life have wives and husbands and kids and boyfriends and I don't have anything but some great friends who have their own lives. I can't and don't expect any of them to be on call for me. And while I know I can handle this and get through it that doesn't mean I WANT to get through it. I don't want to endure my life, I want to enjoy it.
I'm not sure it'll ever be okay again. I'm not sure I'll ever fall asleep next to someone again. Accepting that is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
