The longest journey is the journey inward

I realize I havent used LJ much in, well years really. Over on myspace and facebook substantially more.

But I have a request to anyone that enjoys supporting independant film and friends who are in a contest.

Please go here: The Hunted Video Contest. Click on the video called "The Hunted - Crossing the Line" and watch, rate, comment and please SHARE this with anyone you know that may appreciate acting, vampires, geekiness and stage combat.

Thanks!

I'm watchng Duran Duran on the AMA's and I can only think about you....how's that for important? ;)

The drill is this: Comment here if you want me to ask you some questions. I will, then you repost in your journal/blog and keep the ball rolling.

lastwordy_mcgee quested me with the following:





Q: You talk a lot about how much you miss being in a relationship. Is there *anything* you like about being alone?

A: There are a lot of things I like now and honestly, I dont talk NEARLY as much about how much I miss being in a relationship anymore. BUt that's not the point, point is, I make my own rules, I have my own schedule, I can do the things I want to do with the people I want to do them with. My son and I can lounge around all day on the weekend in PJS and be content. ETc. There are a lot of things I enjoy about being single.



Q: Money is no object. Where do you take Rei for his next birthday and what do you buy him?

A: Every toy the little monster desires for one! Chuck E Cheeses for another (or probably Disney Quest) Or hell..BOTH. Those are his favorite places, Disney and CEC. The day would be completely his to decide what to do and where to go...and he'd still surprise me.




Q: Several people (including me) have encouraged you to pursue acting *outside* of Ren Faires. Do you have a dream role, someone you'd love to play or a play/musical you'd love to perform in, in any capacity?

A: Eponine in Les Miserable



Q: You only get one ice cream for the rest of your life. Which one is it?

A: Breyers Cookies and Cream, or ANY cookies n Cream for that matter reallY!



Q: Fave food from childhood, and do you still like it?

A: I dont remember my favorite foods as a child, mainly cause I dont think they ahve changed much and the fluctuate so much too.

and that's perfectly ok. Though I've been reading and commenting sporadically here and there.

I'm in a good place right now. I feel healthy. I feel I'm -reacting- healthy and that's even more important.

I'm getting things in order. Slowly. And my patience for my finances and things is wearing thin, but I know it cant be correct over night (not without winning the lottery, which I rarely if ever play.) Honestly I know it shouldnt be corrected over night. Progress and growth takes time. And I have to let it match it's own pace.

So what's been going on?

Not much really. Work. Bucs games. Taking some time for me. The most important 'change' I've made that I care to discuss really is working out. TRying to get at least 3, preferably 5 days of 30 minutes of cardio in addition to 15 - 20 minutes of weights/machines in a day. I mean, I've got the facility at work. Mine as well use it right? I dont LIKE working out, but I like the after effects. A.)I feel better. The tired I feel isn't lethargic but productive. B.) I sleep better at night. C.) My body feels better to me. I've been doing it now for about a month and I'm starting to see slow changes in my physique. I'm merely trying to firm up what's soft and improve what I DO like about my body. Seems to be working.

I have some goals. Some long term and some short. Some fun and some just kinda silly. Some serious. But I have them now. And that makes me happy.

Now if I can just get the new neighbor that lives downstairs not to have loud enough sex at 3:30 AND 9 am on a Sunday morning that I wonder if my child can hear it like I can..I'd be a-ok. ;)

Not sure how often I'm going to update or not. I'm kinda liking this keeping myself busy thing.

I had one soda this morning, for my usual caffeine pick me up breakfast.

I did 31 minutes on the stationary bike at work (one of thoes LifeFitness Personal Trainer computerized ones). I peddled 10+ miles. Did 15 minutes of Cardio, and 10 of Aerobic with 6 minutes cool down time total.

I felt good. Going to do it again tomorrow and Thursday. Three days a week.

I also made some small, but rather important steps with my psyche that I'm feeling quite proud of and good about. I -almost- fraeked out and overreacted about something today. BUt I stopped myself and I didnt. I -almost- took something very trivial personally too, but I stopped myself and I didnt.

In the 'grand scheme of things' they dont matter. :)

There are a few more things that turned out today as I expected they would, and it's okay. Sure they are kinda eh...disappointing I think even though it's to be expected. But again, in that GST it's okay.

I think I've pushed a little too much today on certain things too...but I'm not going to beat myself up over it like I would have in the past. I'm human, I'm learning, mistakes are going to happen.

Small steps...but important ones.

and in that same GST, THAT is what matters.

Now to keep this up. *beams*

Tomorrow is a new moon, which I find oddly appropriate for not only a number of things in my life, but also the 6th anniversary of that fateful day which rocked American history and an inumerably number of lives.

New moons bring with them the trait of hope, of optimisim for things to come. They usher in the flow of positivty and abundance, prosperity.

Right now, it's much warranted and welcome on a number of personal levels. But I'll get to that later.

For now, I find it more important to honor and remember those that not only willingly gave their lives six years ago tomorrow, but also had no choice in the matter and were merely victims of a horrendous tradgedy.

Tomorrow was a day that changed the face of not only history for this country, but also America Herself. On a number of levels, sure, things are 'worse' if you want to consider it that. There are a number of things that to this day still need the be improved upon, there are a number of things this particular administration has instituted that I dont agree with personally.

But there are also a number of things that are GOOD. And no, I'm not going to go into details, this isn't about politics and to make it such will loose sight of what I intend for this to be.

Right now, I want this to be able those that died that day.

Right ow I want this to be for those that are STILL dying for that day. as of right now, 3774 US soldiers, Marines and military have died. 169 UK and 129 men and women from other countried serving have died. 27186 men and women, US only, have been wounded in some manner because of this war.

This isn't counting the number of soldiers, Marines and others who have come back unharmed physically, but not mentally. Those scars I fear are so much more difficult to heal and might not ever truly close.

These people have stood on that line because they believe in this country. Regardless of what some of you might think personally, regardless of what those individuals are like in their civilian life, they have ALL stood on that line, WILLINGLY because they share a common belief in this country and what She stands for. It doesnt matter what their personal politics is, they all followed orders based on their ranks and because they were willing to die for the rest of us sitting at home. For those of us who couldnt answer that call.

And it is a calling.

This is for the Firefighters, the EMTs and the Police ,in all cities, who deal daily with the things we civilians cant or dont want to handle. Sure, everyone has stories about cops that were assholes, or firefighters and emt's who didnt get there in time. But think about what these folks DO go through for their job? While we go to our desks, to our registers, to our safe and clean "cushy" jobs, they are out there, placing themselves in danger for US.

Again, because they believe in smoething bigger then we all are.

So tomorrow, I want to honor all of them.

I'm not sure how yet, but I'll figure out a way. Might be my own way of doing it, but I will somehow. Even if it's just to light a candle.

Beyond that, I've done a lot of soul searching this weekend and I'm going to continue to. There are things I want to change about me and it's going to take some time. I'm not going to go into too many detials, cause I've talked way too much already with no action. Better I just act on it.

But please, if you read this, do something tomorrow to honor this country, regardless of your politics, and the men and women who serve in ALL capacities.

The sun sets upon the horizon,
blues and greens and purples shine brilliantly in it's wake
the beauty enough to take ones breath away.

More then just the sun sets this night,
as I wait for the triumphant curtain call of this canvas
with it as well goes my fear

Every new days gives us a chance,
to become so much more then we ever imagined
and with this days end, a new chance harkens

so I say good night to the sun,
with his beautious hues and shades
and hello to the Mistress Moon

so I say good night to my fear
and it's hideous sense of regret, shame
and good morning to happiness and optimisms return

a new day awaits around the bend,
and I embrace it all.

written by shannon c, 2007

Yes, I'm posting song lyrics...cause i heard this song on my iTunes again today and smiled, along with a few others...but this was the most apropos.

Written and performed by Melissa Etheridge:


"The Letting Go"

I came here to let you know
The letting go
Has taken place
I have held the winter's son
Become one
Set my pace
Isn't that what we wanted all along
Freedom like a stone
But I can say goodbye
Now that the passion's died
Still it comes so slow
The letting go

Piece by piece I take apart
This complicated heart
And I hope to find
Something I can prove is real
I can feel is truth
I can say is mine
That's all I ever wanted to be
The closer that I got
The further I could see
But when lovers change
And the night feels strange
We choose our road
The letting go

I came here to let you know
The letting go
Has taken place

This is a work in progress...

What am I to believe?
What I feel is so contorted
What I see in opposition
to that which you're spoken
yet -I'm- the one in the wrong?
Do you refuse to see?
Have you lost yourself behind those masks?

Have I ever been shown the real you
or is this pain a direct result of that truth?
That I fell for one so callous, so cold
are you truly this selfish and self centered
that your masks have become your truth?
Oh, others would disagree I'm sure
But have you shown them that which you've shown me,
or are we all just dancers in your masquerade?

Did I ever really see you?
Did I ever really love you, feel you
hold you in my arms
and in my heart so dear?

Do you even know what love is
or how to love outside of yourself?
How to care, how to feel anymore?
Has that part of you died
as it was born once I know
you loved once, so long ago

Have the masks you wear
become your prison, cold companionship in aquaintance
is the true you in there longing to be free
or is this the real you, reveling in the games you conceive?

Was I ever shown you
or just one of your many masks?
The gentleman, the teacher
the intellectual, the comic
the lover, the romantic
the caregiver, the concerned
the artist in so many mediums
the cad, the scoundrel,
the liar, the manipulator
the rogue and ambivalent non-chalant
the proverbial wolf in sheeps clothes

You say you never were these things with me...
these facades that have caused me pain
but what am I to believe
when my ears hear what you say
and my eyes see the opposite in what you do

Was I ever really shown you?
Did I ever really hold you in my heart so dear
or was I just another dancer
in your masquerade?

Papa Johns Garlic Parmesan Breadsticks....even though I probably shouldnt have bought them.

Rei cleaning his room, even though he didnt want to.

Crumb using the litter box when she needed to go and it was raining outside. She missed the box by about a millimeter, but she TRIED and almost succeeded.

Getting the house clean again.

Weeding out old emails. Still have hundreds to go through...but got a lot more deleted.


I;m going to go try and center, and meditate, and hopefully not be woken up till my alarm goes off at 7 am.

Working on horns this week. Waiting to see if my body does what it did last month or not and hoping to the Gods that it doesnt.