Still love my uke. Didn't make it to the Circle but will go this month. Found some new practice sites and made some new uke friends online. My friend who went to the Circle with me was given a uke for her birthday at our party (she has the same birthday as me) and so now we will both go to our first Ukulele Circle together with our new ukes for the first time. (i hope)
Had a wonderful birthday party at the Commodore Bowling Lanes. We did 5 pin with the little balls. I even won the first game with 115 points. It was really fun. We had an In, On, or Around The Water theme and people dressed as pirates and a half-Octopus-half-human creature and a sailor and a dead surfer and/or wore shirts with water animals. I went as a stingray in my lovely creature towel that CS gave me for a different birthday. Someone made a bunch of pirate hats for the folks without costumes. It was very nice to have a party. Most years I kinda mostly ignore my birthday so this was a nice change. The other b-day person and I ended up going out for food really late to cap off the night. I am very much super fond of her. I am so glad we ended up being friends.
I went for my first long bike ride on the new bike a new friend gave me just before XMAS. It is quite a wonderful bike and I took it through its paces. It snowed the night before so it was muddy and wet and cold and still the bike went everywhere I asked it to, though I did have to push it through the deep gravel of the playground where I want to photo or film and orgy. I went all through the park and along a long part of the seawall and then to buy a lock and then with the loved one's help I got it locked into the bike locker here in our new building. I'm excited to take it out again, soon. Possibly on Thursday for a ride with The Llama.
Settling into the new place. Still have way too much stuff, or at least I haven't figured out how to fit it all into my room yet. I have figured out how I want my room set up, I think, but I haven't gotten the furnishings I need to get things placed somewhere instead of just stacked every which every where.
I took out some of my art that I made ages ago and had stored away in hiding places in the old place. It is enjoyable to look at it and realize that I have talents in many mediums. It is inspiring. I hope to frame some things and put them up here in the new house so others can see it. It will also hopefully inspire me to get the silly scans done and start making prints available. I also was given back a bunch of my best work from long ago by someone who was supposed to put it online but lost them instead. She finally found them when she moved and returned them. It is nice to have them back. Things have been pretty chaotic and Spring is always stressful so right now art is more about appreciating what I have done and can do than about making more of it. I hope to make more of it soon. It is really soothing and makes me feel gifted. As if a gift flows through me and out my fingers and into my eyes.
Tomorrow I have a date. I am happy about this date. I am happy to be back seeing this person for dates more regularly again after things went to big change in their life. I like them very much and enjoy our time together. And we finally got over (or I got over) this hurdle around kissing and have figured out I very much like kissing with them after doing so for the first time recently due to a great for me game of spin the bottle. Oh, how spin-the-bottle has been such a great game in my life. I have had some of my most memorable body-felt experiences through that game. Especially at orgies. Mind you, orgies have really been such a great thing in my life, in general. Some people have feasts or rituals, I have orgies.
Now I am off to bed. Hopefully, for the first time since the first night I slept here, I will not have nightmares that take place in this apartment. I have never had nightmares that happen in places I live or mostly ever even in places I recognize so these are especially uncomfortable. The other night I even dreamed I came upon my roomie in the bath with his hands cut off and sitting on his chest. It was unpleasant. I even had one which caused me to scream out loud one of the first nights here. So much so that my loved one had to shake me awake. It probably has to do with not eating right and stress around moving and worries about money, but it is yukky nonetheless and I would like it to stop. It takes the fun out of going to sleep.
Oh well. Tonight I shall read an engaging book and hope that at least if I have a nightmare it takes place in that story instead of my own.
I am one step closer to school in May. I faxed in my Confirmation of Interest saying I am still interested in attending the Medical Laboratory Assistants program. I hope this means they are going to call me in for the May program.
I am learning more ukulele. I found some great internet sites with a digital tuner (all i needed was a small mic, which I have), sets of scales for all sorts of music (i ran through Persian and Turkish and Arabic and blues), and a bunch of Youtube tutorials and even some play alongs to modern songs. I can now play Old MacDonald Had A Farm and Ain't No Bugs on Me. It is hard but not too hard that I don't feel motivated to keep going and not so hard as to not still be fun. I'm really glad I bought this uke and I can't wait for my first Ukulele Circle where I get to play and sing.
I am feeling far less stressed about moving. I have spent time in my empty room looking out the window and bringing over some of my clothes and hanging them up and putting some extra socks and underwear in drawers. I also brought over a bunch of blankets and sex toys and towels and bathing suits and stuff.
The blankets and sex toys were for the very fun exhibitionist christening of our empty place that my friend helped me with. We had sex on the floor on some blankets with the blinds open and fully surrounded by floor to ceiling windows. If they were watching some 30 or 40 apartments and condos had good views of us. Very fun. Very hot. I am glad I thought of my friend who had told me of exhibitionist tendencies and asked her to help me fulfill this fantasy. When I walked through the empty apartment by myself for the first time I got so horny standing in view of the windows in all that space.
My sex drive has come back. It is super nice! I'm still not 100% confident about my cunt all the time, cause when I fuck myself it can hurt for the first bit, but I am really enjoying the play I'm having with others doing all sorts of other things. I'm also trying to remember that I have to masturbate and penetrate myself to keep my pelvic floor relaxed and healthy. So funny. I am thinking of seeing if my former pelvic massage therapist would be interesting in seeing me again. I just want to make sure there is more focus on the pelvic stuff and less focus on the talking stuff out. It was something I needed then, but if I am going to talk stuff out with someone I don't know if this is the correct person for that.
This week holds more moving, some work, possibly an opening night at the VAG, an orgy, and a clothing swap. Life is pretty good.
Got a couple new clients and my one longest client has cut back my time with them from every two weeks to every three weeks. This is tough, so I am looking for other ways to make money. I had a temporary gig for a couple of months so things are not as tight as they could be but I wasn't expecting the cut back. I'm hoping to get to do some sex work or domme work by Spring. I'm also looking at maybe doing camming work once I have my own room. I'm also just looking at maybe doing retail. We'll see.
I've been social. I have been out doing something with people every day this week except today and last Sunday. I find I cannot hack seeing people every single day. I get overfull and overwhelmed. It was especially tough with apartment hunting going on, too. It is sad I reach that point sometimes when there is still something I want to go to, especially if it is with a group of people I really like, but if I overextend then I get too wound up and that can lead to me getting sick. Too much stimulation is a good way for me to pick up the bugs that go round in Winter. Also, with the cold and wet comes much more regular incidences of pain related to my jaw stuff. If I take care of my needs I stay healthy. But it is hard and I am constantly asking myself after if I shouldn't have gone and done the thing or been the place afterall. Oh well.
Some of the social highlights the last while have been: The Naked Reading of Children's Stories, where I organized a neato group of folks getting together at a friend's house and naked readers (and some partially dressed readers) read kids books (like the Grinch and Mrs. Biddlebox) and the audience was clothing optional. There was also eating and lots of snuggles! Also nice were Family dinners for Xmas and for just after new years. The second one was a deep fried night and was really interesting and cool. Also, massage and tea at friend's place. Tea at other friend's place. Walks with friends. Ukelele Circle. Play date with new guy who may work out for more play dates. Queer Bodies Film Night. Board Games Are So Gay. Upcoming is Ma Petite's choir concert tomorrow night and the eating out with folks after. Watercolor and sketching workshop at Opus. Reading event at the library. More Board Games Are So Gay and then Fancy Prance, the queer dance party. I might also go to a big kink con here called Westward Bound. I am just deciding that this weekend.
Oh and...
We're moving. I really mostly like the place I am but being able to have people over will be something very nice. I will have my own room, in fact we all will. Mine is the largest and has its own bathroom (with tub). It also has a window that is most of one wall. And a closet. It is closer to some transit and a little tiny bit farther from a some others but we are mostly still in the same area. There is also a living room area that has windows overlooking a park. There is also an insuite washer and dryer and a dishwasher and a second bathroom with shower. Also there is a giant storage room that Ma Petite gets because she is getting the tiny den as her room so she needs somewhere to put some of her stuff and her clothes rack. There is also bike storage in the building and a parking space for our new roomie's car. There is a small hottub and sauna in the building and an enclosed courtyard with grass and no pets or unaccompanied children allowed, which is nice, too.
The new place is really close to the community center I use most often, too, which is sweet. Hopefully I will get it together to go to the free Qi Gong some mornings (not too early at 10am). I also want to get back to dancing and there is a community dance class that is drop in offered there.
In other news: I bought a ukelele! It is a Mahalo soprano uke and one of the better class of them so it has some nice sound. I almost bought the Lanakia but it felt a bit too fragile for a messy monster like me.
I have been going to the Ukelele Circle at Uptown Cafe almost every month since June last year and each time I get encouraged to get a uke. The group is so addictive. They are super supportive and there is a whole range of talent, from beginner to super skilled soloists and even some composers. Anyway, it took me a couple of months of wanting to, but not, before I decided to use some XMAS gift money to buy my own uke. Now I have and it makes me very happy. Of course I don't read music or really understand how to play but it is also a pretty easy instrument to learn from all I hear from folks. If you have any suggestions of resources for learning ukelele basics and how to tune and stuff then please let me know. Right now I am just experimenting and that is lots of fun. I feel really proud of myself because music is one of those things that for years I just told myself I would never do and now I'm both singing a whole bunch and taking up an instrument for the first time!
In other news, my sex life is nearly non-existant. Something about Vancouver seems to turn me celibate and not entirely by conviction or choice. I just don't seem to have the same mojo here. I am trying to not let it get to me and just focus on other stuff, but I really mostly miss the Host/ess Collective parties and the Queer Playground parties and having a community of sex positive folks to get busy with and date within. I know some and they are super cool and fun, but I wish there was more. I suppose the greater gender and body alienation I've been feeling doesn't entirely help. I feel like I was more able to be fluid before and taken seriously in that fluidity. Here it all feels alot more complicated. Still, there are so many other things that are going really well, and there is chance for more little orgies like were had this summer and fall so maybe I am just in the regular down period that come with winter rains and white skies. I'm thinking of trying Maca to see if that helps. Anyone have any experience with it?
I'm having the regular troubles with eating. The ones that say, "NO, I DON'T FEEL LIKE IT." Or the ones where I just forget to. I'm not letting myself get all spun out about it this time. I do some "silly monster needs to eat some food, no food is not good for monster" but that is about the extent of the self-chastisement and craziness I am allowing. I am also going to get some meds next visit to the dispensary that are especially good for appetite stimulation. Maybe that will help. Of course, I would still need to actually go out and take them before evening but, one step at a time.
I am still going for lots of long walks. Lately I have been accompanied a bunch of times by a new pal who walks me home before heading all the way across town to her own place on her bike. It is sweet and super nice to share all my favorite hidden treasure spots with her. She also figured out how to use this cool piece of public art that I hadn't figured out before, which made us both excited. I also have a new neighborhood friend who likes nighttime spontaneous walks and we have gone on one so far and are planning to do more.
I have been writing at least several hundred words a week on my novel. It is really fun and I am so excited by all the things I think up and the fun using of words. I make myself laugh a bunch with the stuff that comes up in my head and out of the tip of my pen. It is gonna be a really surreal sort of story but that is to be expected.
I've been making more art, too. I've completed several pieces in the last month. I'm excited to have a room where I can shut the door and possibly do some painting. I am also hoping to do a tiny bit while the loved one is gone for two weeks at the end of this month and the beginning of next.
Life is pretty good right now. I'm nervous about the move but overall I'm doing okay. In fact, I'm doing pretty good.
I am going to the Bay Area in March and likely April so I hope to see any of you who read this who are there. I may go to IMsL, but I may change my tickets and go for more of March and less of April. Deciding soon. Let me know if there are dates that are better for hanging out.
I am very lucky. I have an apartment with lots of light to grow my plants. I live just blocks from my doctors. I have enough food to eat and this week I am eating it regularly. I have had work and will have more work. I have been making art again and am constantly amazed at how much I like what I produce. I am going to do NaNoWriMo. I read The Girl Who Kicked The Hornets Nest and enjoyed it very much. That out loud, "this book is so great!", to myself each time I had to put it down to pee or make food. I am trying to figure out a way I can do something active to assist people being bullied and/or those at the edge of suicide. That I feel like I can offer something makes me feel like I have moved so much beyond the depths I have been in in my past.
I have been trying to do this complaining challenge this last week and realize I am not there yet. The challenge is not to complain for a week. I just cannot do that. Part of social intercourse here in this city is complaining. I hear it everywhere. Especially now that I have not been wearing a walkman for the last many months. So much more of what people say is complaining than anything else. On phones, to each other, even those folks who are wandering along talking to themselves. People talk to me and complain. I talk to people and complain. We socially intercourse through mutual complaining. I think I need to start smaller. I need to start crosshatching each time I complain. Do something that brings me into awareness of the complaining and notes what I complain about. I also feel deep inside that not complaining is like being okay with things and I need to find some way to still not be okay with the many things I don't want to just say are ok, but find something to do about it besides complaining. Still, all in all, it has been a worthwhile challenge.
I have had a whole bunch of work in the last week and for the next week or two. Very nice. I also got asked if I can take on some occasional gigs with a duo of kids every once in a while. i like the kids and they like me and i already clean for the family and like them so very much so i said sure. most of the new work has been data entry. not very challenging but good money for the van area so am happy. nice to have a change from cleaning, too.
i have also had all kinds of social occasions. dinners with friends, lots of conversations that are super stimulating. went to a wonderful dance performance on Sunday where the dancers acted out a video game. it was really captivating. they also did a history of hip hop that was hilarious. it started back when i first started being really aware of music and went to today and had all these songs i could totally sing along to. went with new friend and had a great day all round.
been out in nature a bunch. so so good for me. went to the beach yesterday and sat on a rock in the sun for hours. it was such a great way to get away from it all.
my bladder is flaring pretty bad. ug. not fun. but since I have a prescription to the dispensary finally I can talk with them about finding a better strain for controlling the inflammation and pain. while i think bright orange pee is fun, it isn't so fun when my braces get dyed yellow by the OTC meds i take to control the flare inflammation. also back on the big pharma meds cause maybe i do need to keep taking them. luckily this is covered by pharmacare and i don't have to pay for them. yay, cause you know i wouldn't do it if I had to pay the $280 a month.
i am really greatful for all the things that have been going right in life the last couple weeks. i still really miss oakland but am also appreciating the things that come with Vancouver that are special things.
i am so enjoying all my growing things. i eat rhubarb chard from the balcony practically every day and I am looking forward to the bell peppers getting a little bigger. it is amazing that there are still flowers coming out and new peppers being hatched from the blossoms each day. i get so excited whenever i see a bee out there pollinating like mad. afterall, we are 7 stories up.
have been having some problems with eating, the shock of how much more food costs here is a huge sting. but i'm trying to eat twice a day still. thankfully i made enough to pay the rent without dipping into savings this month and will next month, too. and hopefully i will make enough more that i can start replenishing the savings. i want to not need to go into debt while going to school when i finally get called up.
talked to more people about the program i am going into and am feeling really good about it. need to borrow some biology texts or get some from the library so i can brush up and be readier.
okie dokie, i need to sleep. that is something that sadly has not been in abundance.
Work has been frustrating lately. Things just haven't seemed to go right. Things take longer than expected or gigs cancel at the last minute, or someone books me and forgets they did so and I have already turned down a different gig and I lose out twice. Ug.
I've been exercising alot. I'm curious if the little amount of T I am taking will change the way I develop muscle. I certainly seem to be doing better with upper body strength, but that might just be related to exercising more. I got some tips from someone who works at a gym/fitness center that seem to be helping.
I want more kayaking in my life. Need to prod friend who can rent kayak for cheap. Kayaking on Lake Merritt really made me realize how totally happy it makes me.
I'm thinking of finding a talk therapist. And maybe, just maybe, going on some meds for my anxiety. Except I hate how the traditional anxiety meds make me feel sort of dead emotionally. There might be other options than what I have taken before, but I don't want something I HAVE to take or get sick or go crazy or have withdrawl. I know that the work stuff and money stuff is what is driving me to feel this desperate. Life is just so much more expensive in Vancouver.
I really want to just start school, for fuck's sake. This wait list is excruciating. I feel like I'm stuck in some kind of holding pattern, can't get on with my life until I at least know WHEN I will be starting. It is hard to stay committed. I just want to run away to the beach in Mexico or some similar place.
There have been LOTS of good things in my life. Good people. Sexy times. I'm just having a hard time adjusting to having left Oakland and the places that feel so much like home.
I miss how many people love me and want to be with me in Oakland and the Bay Area. I feel really isolated here.
I'm leaving Vancouver Tuesday morning (Aug 3) and visiting Santa Cruz with Ma Croissant. Then she's coming back to Van and I am heading to Oakland until September. So happy. Looking forward to seeing friends and family and being at home. Yay!
Verticle Oracle card Pisces (February 19-March 20) The plant known as the squirting cucumber has an unusual talent: When the fruit is ripe, it opens up and spits out a rapid-fire stream of seeds that travels a great distance. In the coming weeks, Pisces, you'll have resemblances to this aggressive fructifier. It'll be prime time to be proactive about spreading your influence and offering your special gifts. The world is begging you to share your creative spirit, preferably with rapid-fire spurts that travel a great distance.
Wow, I have been way more busy that usual for here in Van and it's okay. I have been out of the house every day, sometimes for more than one thing.
I have regularly scheduled appts on Mondays with a practitioner and that looks like it might prove very interesting and therapeutic. I wasn't really expecting things to be what it looks like they might be and I'm pushed to be open and really stretch, but I think it is time to have this happen. I love how my life just sorta drops things on me. (well, except when I don't) My practitioner is the person I've probably talked most honestly about some of my gender and body stuff with in a long time, if ever. It was interesting to hear some of the words coming out of my mouth. Trust is a really big part of the relationship we're building and that's not always easy for me, especially when it accompanies truth and vulnerability and physicality. That the person is also a sex worker and queer and poly and really mellow and open about themself sure helps. Mindfulness is one of the things we worked on and it is interesting to feel myself prep to dissociate but then not...
Finally had a first real meeting to get the trans and genderqueer and queer parties organized. There are some fantastic ideas and a bunch of real neat people who bring lots to the table. I really look forward to our next get together on May 31st. There are desires and the skills to have a "Dexter" room made for extreme and messy bloodsports and plans for a piss play area. Someone has offered to set up a bootblack station and do boots/shoes. It was really clear people wanted there to be fun and silliness and color and for all sorts of sex and play to be present. Costumes and rambunctiousness welcome!! Sex positivity absolutely present! These sound like their gonna be parties I really wanna be at and get off at.
I made the decision to go to the Bay Area right after Vancouver Pride in the beginning of August, instead of leaving on June 17th like I had originally thought. It was a tough decision and decision making is really brutal for me so it has been a hard couple of weeks around that. I decided that there are things going on here in Vancouver during June and July and for Pride that I actually want to be here for. The first Trans March is going to be happening and there is going to be what seems like a really cool Greater Vancouver Trans Forum with a week's worth of events and I just thought it was stupid to pass up the opportunity to meet people and learn stuff and hopefully build community. It was too long to be away, in terms of eating my rent, too. So now I am looking to take on more gigs. I feel relieved the decision is finally over (and thank my loved one for pushing me to set a decision deadline and whatnot). The tickets are bought and I feel like I made the right choice. This way I am here also for Ma Petite Croissant's birthday, which is something she really likes to celebrate and take seriously.
Ma Petite and I have decided to continue to live together. We really like being together and I think I would be really lonely here in Van without her. We talk alot about how to make the tough things easier, but both agree we really like living in the area we live in and want to try to stay here in this area if we can. Hopefully in the fall we can find a place that is bigger, or at least not just one room. The apartment now isn't even terrible, though small. If only we could stop our fridge from being SO LOUD. I've even thought of breaking it irreparably in hopes of getting something less irritating. Other than the fridge, though, I really like the uninterrupted Southern light, the huge windows, the sizable balcony, the way our plants thrive, the unlimited hot water, the hardwood floors, the gym in the building, and the fact that I can get to a ton of buses or other rapid transit options super easily with a short walk. Centered here I can walk easily to the beach, to the ferries to Granville Island for arts demos, to giant trees wider than I am tall, to Stanley Park and Lost Lagoon and to a bunch of jungle gyms to climb and explore at night. I can also walk home from almost everywhere I ever am. It's nice! Maybe I can make more friends in the area to just walk with or hang out in the sun or can convince some of those East Van peeps to leave their enclave.
I have a pal who is into exploring the arts options together, so I look forward to having company to go to Purple Thistle and stuff like that with. Sometimes it's easier to go with someone than to go into something for the first time alone. This same friend hopes to get low cost yoga together and I hope that pans out, too. I'm also taking more photos and a friend from high school invited me to a photo group on facebook and I just went on a great photo expedition in the DTES with some great peeps. I've also taken a few different demos and classes.
Went kayaking on False Creek the other day and am going to go again soon. Making friends is harder here, but I finally feel like I'm finding community that is mine instead of interloping on the edges of others that don't always fit me.
I've been feeling really good. I am back to using meds every day and it has chilled out the flaring from my bladder, which has been SUPER NICE! I think the meds are good for my head, too. Sometimes I need to just stare at a flower til it goes fuzzy (or extremely crisp). The long walks are good for the head, too. I also have some pothead friends now, so it's not always a solo activity, which is nice.
I have a friend who has been having me do a bunch of different work for her organization and praising all that I've done. She really believes in me in this way I don't get affirmation on all that often and it is really nice. I feel really blessed to have her in my life and have been really touched by her support and her compliments. I think they were something I've not had alot of in terms of work in a long while. More stretching...
I finally a few weeks ago had my first really good internal vaginal penetration orgasm. The screaming howling and babbling ten or twenty minute or more kind I used to be known for. Oh yay!! My biggest feeling (after I'd wrung from myself all the quaking and yodelling) was of incredible relief. I staggered to a flat surface - all jello limbed and lube sticky - and laughed and laughed and laughed. This was the first time I had managed one of these since my surgery and I had sort of figured they just might never happen again. And I've had another two since!!! One in public that got compliments! Both with another person helping. The immensity of how much saner this stuff makes me feel is beyond words (though it looks like I found some anyway, eh?)
The weather has been mostly great and the nature is fabulous and the skies have been beautiful and even though I can't for the life of me seem to sleep for a full night (ah, Spring, how nice of you to visit with your crazy energy and dreams) I feel really pretty happy. How yay!
Pisces (February 19-March 20) I was pleased when I discovered a website with a video of quirky songstress Cat Power singing David Bowie's iconic song "Space Oddity." I love her, I love Bowie, and I love the tune. And yet a wave of disappointment broke over me when I realized, 30 seconds into the performance, that it was actually a car commercial. I felt duped. Appalled. Outraged. Any pleasure I'd gotten from the experience was ruined. Don't be like me, Pisces. You, too, may soon receive a blessing that has some minor annoyance. Don't overreact like me. Look past the blemish and enjoy the gift.
