I haven't been this happy for a long time, and it's a great feeling. I hung out with Cory, and I realized that he is just what I want and need right now. He's an old fashioned, loving, compassionate, funny, beautiful man and I know if things between us happen, he'll never pressure me into anything I don't want to do or anything I might be uncomfortable with. God..We hung out tonight and it was just so perfect. There were a few silences between us, but they weren't awkward. We just sat in the park and talked and did nothing. I wanted to kiss him so bad, but I knew I should wait and let him make the first move. And at the end of the night, he came up to me and gave me a cute little kiss on the lips, and that was it. And we said goodnight, smiled and walked away. And I went in my room, looked in the mirror and smiled at myself. And it was a genuinly happy smile. Things are looking up. THAAAAAANK GOOODDDDDD!
I put the blanket around me as my legs grew cold And that moment I saw you, my damned heart was sold Now it's broken to pieces, but not the first time It sucks a whole lot to know I once called you mine. I suppose you once were, a part of my life If I could, I'd erase it, and save me some pride I'm here all alone now and thinking of you But I try to foget you but I can't so I'm screwed
One day I'll forget this and I'll move on with stride. Until then I'll wait here just wanting to die Or just fly away and leave my troubles behind God, it sucks so bad to know you were mine. This blanket around me is warming my skin but my heart is still cold and worn out from sin So bottle it up and throw it to sea Along with our memories and what we used to be.
Well I went into the city today to drop steve off so we did some birthday shopping for me. 9 days and I'll be 16, can you believe it? I can't. Really can't. I'll be driving in about 11 or 12 days too. So that's reaaaaaaaaaaaaaaallllly sweet. But yeah, it's gonna be so awesome, I can't wait. Ok, I'm out. Bye.
I hung out with Cory tonight, it was really fun. I definitely like him but I don't want to. I know he doesn't like me, but it's cool. He's a good guy and I'm glad that I know him. But anyway...I don't know. I guess I'm just..tired. Tired of a lot of things. Tired of things not going my way. Tired of being alone. Tired of no one liking me. It's hard not to be negative when I don't get anything good coming my way.
But dad said that when I'm having low self esteem, I should think of all the great things in my life and cherish them. So let's make a list, shall we?
1. My music. 2. My amazing friends (the few that I have). 3. This journal. 4. My mom. 5. My amazing family who will always support me no matter what happens to me. 6. My ability to help people and knowing what to say (most of the time) 7. My smile 8. My sensitivity (sometimes, anyway) 9. In a really sick, almost demented way, my depression because it's made me who I am today. 10. Having loved someone who loved me back. I was lucky enough to have it twice... 11. My writing. 12. My therapist, Nicole.
That's all I can think of. But notice how I didn't put 'my looks' down for any of them? I hate my looks. I wish I didn't.
But you know, the best part about tonight was...
Jeff's name didn't even enter my mind
But when I think about it. I kinda wish it did. It hurts getting over someone you love/loved (not sure which tense I should put it in), especially as you're getting over them.
Jeff IMed me before. It was kind of bittersweet. I was so glad to talk to him, yet so sad at the same time. But it's ok. I think I'm moving on and it's time to set aside my feelings for him and be friends. At least he doesn't hate me anymore, and I should be glad about that. I just loved him so much, ya know? It's ok, I'll find someone one day who I'll love 10 times more than him, and I'll think I was so ridiculously stupid for ever having feelings for him. I hope.
I bought an astrology report which was all about myself and it was so completly true. I thought it was really cool, so I'm printing it out and saving it.
I'm in such a weird, lonely mood right now. I wish I didn't have to be lonely. I've learned to be independant in this 6 month period since I've been single. Sigh. It's weird though, I don't really know.
So I'm getting my tooth fixed next Wednesday, I'm kinda nervous. The last stuff he did to my tooth hurt so bad. He ripped open my gums to get to the infection, and it turns out that it didn't even matter because, HEY, i HAVE TO GET IT PULLED AND GET A FRIGGEN IMPLANT. GREAT!
Ok, I think I'm gonna go now, I'm talking to Cory. Bye.
linzerx0: ok. well i had an infection in this tooth a few months back and i got it fixed...it just recently started hurting again and we thought he fixed it so i couldn't get another infection..so we went back to the oral surgeon and they took an x-ray and he saw that my root cracked into like 5 different pieces, so i have to get the tooth pulled and get an implant (like a fake tooth i guess)..but the thing is, its going to cost 2100 bucks, and my dad pays for the medical bills...so my parents are fighting, my mom is yelling at me, everyhting just sucks pure x beauty --: oh my god,, why are they fighting? pure x beauty --: its not like you did it on purpose linzer x0: they're fighting cuz he doesn't want to pay it linzer x0: and hes like 'you never help out with money' and seriously, he would do it if it was for steve and she called him back and said 'you do it for your son but not for your daughter. how do you think that makes her feel, steve?' -click-
What a fucking day, man.
Oh yeah, and I'm fighting with Jess. This day can NOT get any better.
Well I realized in therapy yesterday that I dont' like myself and it's a really sucky feeling. I just want to be able to look in the mirror and say 'damn, you're so beautiful'. But all I see is this horrendously ugly face. Someone who will never amount to anything. Someone who will never achieve her goals and who'll wind up being a homeless person in the streets of the big city, playing her trumpet for spare change. Here's a poem I wrote yesterday. I haven't written for a while so it sucks..
Stars
She puts a flower in her hair and she smiles like she's fine. You're the reason darling, That the stars up there can shine.
And even though the stars are hers She wishes things were well. Wanting so much more from life Feeling things she's never felt.
But nothing's going right this time She thinks of things she should have said People are so cruel sometimes Saying 'it's just inside your head'
No one understands this girl It's been heard so many times. Her father doesn't love her And her love for him's a crime.
Late at night, the stars above They cry so hard for her But she cries even harder Because everythings a blur.
A shooting star fell from the sky And she wished her life away She wished that she was up there now And there she'd always stay.
Until that day, if it shall come She's stuck here on her own But it's ok, she'll deal somehow Crying, and alone.
UGGGGHHH I'M SO EMO SOMETIMES, IT SUCKS!!!!!!!!! whatever, I'm out. Bye.
Well I have to go to the band banquet tomorrow and I really don't want to go. I just don't feel like explaining to everyone why I haven't been in school all year. And I'm going to have to lie about it, so it really sucks. I'm just gonna tell them that I have lyme disease and I was really sick and by the time I got better I was too far behind in school. So that's the lie I'm letting everyone know. No one in that effing band has to know why I wasn't around. They don't need to know everything. Oh, it'll be just lovely seeing Sean and Mike and all the other ones who pretend to like me when we both know that they don't. But it'll be good seeing Stef and Matt and Amanda and Steve, but that's about it. Those are the only people I'm looking forward to seeing. Luckily, Jess will be there with me so it's all good. Fucking people. I hate them all.
So I went shopping and I got a bunch of cute outfits. I'll post picture later.
cheerful
sore
strange