OMG! I am amazingly...HAPPY! The day started off great...and ended great! Wow could it have gotten any better? well prolly but who CARES? not me? Well this morning...i went ot dougs to wake him up...we talked and cuddled on the couch until about 9:15...and may i add...he looked amazingly hott...no shirt and boxers...man i love his body! but then we headed off the school. I got to leave at 10:45 because i had an appointment. So my grandpa picked me up and then after he picked me up and went to Subway. I went to Math and had an awesome time! We were being so annoying and we were growling at ppl walking by. AND THEN...i was totally wired in PE. haha..i was so funny! i was totally the center of attention. wow it was hilarious! "Pickle?" Where? what?, cool BEANS!, tru dat wiggy, yeah jus chillazerin...yeah my Catalina is so funny!....but yeah...Doug took me back to his house after school and we cuddled on the couch. But his sister came home and we had to buy Deisel, my sweet pup, a happy meal(actually 2) so i got a milkshake, and doug got food. But then we went back to his house and watched Deisel unwrap the hamburger and eat the fries...and He even opened the box...it was so awesome! but yeah...then we went inside and "watched" movies! it was awesome! I miss him so much! I never really realze it until i am with him and i remember how we used to be. It totally seems like we are back together! omg...it is so awesome! We do everything a couple does...i hope we get back toghether...i think that we will...if you saw us in the halls and stuff..you would think we were together! AHHHHHH ilove hiM!
BUt on another topic. IN counseling today, we talked about Lee the whole time. Yeah i know i love DOug soooooo fucking much!, but i am in absolute love with lee. You can only be IN love wiht one person at a time. but you can love more than one. Totally makes sense. Then nancy and i talked about geting attatched...and yeah ...im totally attatched to Doug right now...and i need to make sure that he wants the same thing i do so that i dont get hurt. Yeah...but today was awesome...definately NO complaints...
OK i have a confession to make! Yes nick and i made out during the Assembly. Yes he stuck his hand down my pants...yeah someone walked in on us. it was awkward...then today we were flirting major! Then yeah...during english...hmm fun stuff...but yeah tomorrow i am picking him up and we are going to waste about 2 hours hanging out...had to get that out...cuz there are so many different rumors about it... I dont know...i dont know if i like him...or if he is just a fun guy to have casual fun with!
Well i know Gideon is going to read this...so it thought that i would say some stuff. At first i didnt know what i wanted because i had just gotten over with Doug and my relationship. But then Nick came into the picture...then other stuff. After this weekend. I really strted to like him. I feel like i am totally having to pick a guy over a guy and i cant do that. They are both so different. Doug is awesome in his own way, same with Gideon! I dont know what to do. I just need to relax for now. I mean...i do have to think about the stuff about Lee too! i mean he is amazing also and when he gets home...i swear i want to never leave his side. I love that guy so much more than anything i could ever imagine. He is so awesome. AHHHHH! i miss him like crazy....cant stop thinking about him...hmm...need to slepe ....and download Yahoo...laterz
Well today was quite odd. Yeah, well...hmm where to start... I made Lee a reall cute tape...yeah it is pretty awesome! i love it... But anyways...Giddeon called me and we ended up going out to the Sizzler and hanging out at mitchells. Yes we held hands and flirted and we talked a lot. We talked about his ex and doug. We both talked about how hard it was at first. And like...i dunno. He is such a sweetheart. He held the doors open for me and opened and close the car door and like said how girls should be treated and it was so awesome. I dont know though. I mean he really is a total sweetie. I mean. I would love him to death. but i cant right now. I love Doug so much and i am totally not over him. Giddeon would totally be a rebound and i dont want him to be that because he is such a sweetie. I mean, he deserves someone so much better than me. I am not ready yet, and him and his ex were together for 10 months and they broke up this week, i dont think he is quite ready either. I am so confused. i think right now i just really need to talk to Doug and ask him if we are going ot get back together. I mean i deserve to know. I love him to death. i dont know...i just really miss him. And if we arent going to get back together than i need to get over him before i get involved with anyone else. do you think that is stupid? I mean i really like Giddeon but not right now. He wanted to meet my mom and Jaden and i thought it was the cutest thing. But i really need to get over doug before i go out with another guy!
OMG OMG OMG! Ok, life is so great! I cant believe it! the most amazing thing has happened. Ok...well after DOug and i went to get breakfast friday morning in the cafeteria...he walked me to class and WE WERE HOLDING HANDS! then after every period we were hugging and holding hands. This is crazy. Then i got really hurt in PE and i was spitting out blood everywhere...Nick saw me and called doug over...while doug rubbed my back i spit out a bunch of blood for a few minutes (i know, how romantic) but anyways, then he walked me to the nurse and he held my hand...then to class he held my hand...I dont understand him! He is totally messing with my head! we arent dating anymore! Is that too hard to understand! Does he want me back or is he just trying to get some!? WTF!? Ok but anyways,, on Thursday, one of the worst things happened....Nick kissed me. I am so ashamed. I felt like i was going to throw up. he is like my best friend and i cant believe he did that! He was totally trying to do other stuff to me but someone walked in the room and we left. I couldnt stop looking at Doug because i was so ashamed. I miss doug so unbelievably much! I never realized how awesome he was until i lost him. I told Jenni and Laura about it, and they were both like...oh great...and stuff. i dont understand why they hate him. I know he broke my heart. But he is such an awesome guy. he is so sweet and he would never cheat on me. I was just so upset because i really didnt want to lose him and i thought i did. But i dunno... But yeah, my mom came to get me at about 1:00 on friday and i was in class with Doug and nick and Kendall! OMG DOUG WAS TOTALLY HITTING ON HER! They made a salad together and were totally flirting. The whole time i was sitting there adn i was about to leave and i was talking to him, asking if he was going to cal me, but he ended up bringing her into it and flirting with her. I was devistated. Idont understand why i am so upset, but i cant help it. I am so mad. So yeha i just got up and left without saying anything. But when i was at work today, one of the girls from that class was telling me how they were getting all pissed at him for flirting with Kendall wiht me right there and stuff. she said that about 7 or 8 people were about to walk up to him and kick his butt. She was like, "Go Get em" ahaha...i was like...OH I WILL! hhaa...good times!
Today was so crazy. Even though my two "best" friends are totally treatnig me like im a stupid slut *even though everyone knows im NOT!, i had a really good day. Doug and Nick totally flirted with me all day. OMG nick wants to mess around. haha...wow funny stuff. I guess Doug told him that he doesnt care what he does with me. That he can fuck me for all he cares. but if anyone else hits on me or touches me, Doug will kick their ass. Haha...clayton grabbed my butt today and Doug punched so fucking hard. Omg i couldnt stop laughing! yeah...Doug was very huggy and touchy today. I loved it so much! I am so happy AHH! He carried me like after every period and gave me hugs and flirted and pretty much acted like we were going out. GOD it was so awesome! But Laura and Jenni hate me. But what am i suppose to do? Change? i thoughtthat they didnt like that? Right now i am not going to focus on them. I need to focus on my future. I need to focus on school, my family, and myself. I need to get healthy again. Im sick of being sick! I cant focus on negative shit that is just going to bring me down. I have to stay positive. And i cant get stressed out. I cant. I cant. I cant. Laura and jenni are just makingit harder for me. and i dont need that right now. I dont need that crap. Im not a bad person. I dont smoke, i hardly ever drink, i have only done everything with one guy because i trusted him with my life. God i am so crushed right now. I cant believe the two people who i relyed on most....totally crushed me. I was crying all night last night and when i came home today. I hate myself...well i guess i have something in common with jenni and laura...my two best friends...hmm...dunno about that
Life is shit sometimes! The past week has been absolutely devistating. yeah, doug and I broke up. He wants to experience more things. So pretty much he wants to fuck other girls. He said he felt guilty because he was flirting with other girls and he didnt want a girlfriend. I was totally upset. I wouldnt eat or sleep or anything for a few days. I am ding a little better but GOD do i miss him. He gives me a hug everyday and we talk all the time. Sometimes we act like we are still together. He picks me up and stuff and then he hugs me. The day after we broke up we went to the mall together and not an hour after hanging out and being totally awkward...we were holding hands. i have been crying about him for the past week and i miss him more than ever. I just need to know if he ever wants to get back together. Hopefully he says yes. I love him so much! Well Jenni and Laura are really pissed off at me. They say that im acting like a slut. Which i really dont get, because i am naturally a flirt. They have never seen me single in High School. I have had a boyfriend all yesar and this is how i act at OHS. Jenni was saying because i dont like wearing bras and stuff im a slut. What the hell...its a JOKE! I wear them...its not like i go everyday withoutanything. That is so fucked up. They say that i dont care about my looks. Im sorry i dont put makeup on EVERYDAY! What the fuck is that? i care about what i look like OMG! THUS THE BULIMIA SHIT! i wore a pair of Jenni's shorts today and she said they were see through but i honestly was way too stressed out about my car to even care. Does that make me a slut? maybe i just need some fucking support from my friends. I give jennifer everything. I buy her everything, i do whatever she wants. I give her whatever she wants. And this is how i get treated. I dont need that shit. I dont deserve that. I didnt do anything. She thinks that i am fucking around with everyguy! WHAT THE HELL!? I have kissed ONE guy since Doug and i broke up...and HE SAID THAT HE KISSED ME AND THAT IT WAS ALL HIM! yeahi didnt stop...but that does NOT make me a whore. I flirt that is IT...omg does she not understand that. Im not a whore...and anyone who knows me, knows that im not easy. Does jennifer think i dont have feelings or something? To add to all this shit. My car is totally fucked up. the window is broken one is shattered. My stereo is broken and faceplate is gone. everything is fucking messed up in it. Because some stupid whores decided to be bitchy. Ok i dont understand...I just got my car totally vandalized because i was sticking up for Laura and the SAME day, she goes and tells me im a slut and all this crap. I dont fucking get it. Am i just worthless to everyone? Does no one think i have feelings? I am so sick of this shit. I need to get out of here. I am about 99% sure that i am going to move to California with my mom. I am going to make sure Lee knows where i am so that he can come stay with me and then im leaving. I love my family here. but i cant stay here. I feel like shit. Every once in a while they act like they care...but then they totally bring me down. Is it not enough that i have depression and im getting over bulimia. Is it not enough that i hate myself? DO they realize what they are doing to me? obviously not. If they could only undestand what is going through my head right now.... What do you do when your best friends hate you? The love of your life moved away? They guy you love doesnt love you anymore? Your family is falling apart? Your health is about to kill you? You hate yourself? How can I even look in the mirror? Everything people say to me, i hate myself even more. I need someone to care about me. I have no one right now. God i feel so alone. I just want to lay here and cry. I guess i dont deserve anyone to love me since i am just a fucking disappointment to everyone.
Well this is amazing. Everything worked out. This week was absolutely torture! I am so glad it is over! Doug was upet because i didnt tell him some stuff that was going on! Yeah im not going to say it because it is our business! We talked about so much tonight! He has never said "I love you" to anyone. He says it is because he is too young to know what it actually means! Well i know that i am too young to be IN LOVE! But i am definately not too young to love someone! There is a huge difference! Being in love with someone takes time, and it is something that is shared between two people. Loving someone, is completely different. It is when someone cares about someone else. I love doug. I would do anything to make sure he is happy or if something was wrong i would want to make it better. Its just a word that tells someone that you really care about them. It is more than just a "like like" feeling but more, sincerely care! Being in love with someone takes time, and it is created, not just felt. I think i kind of explained what i was thinking but i dunno! If you have any ideas of what love is, please, you are more than welcome to give me some answers! Well Jenni and I are also back to our lovey dovey selves! haha...anyways i am completely exhausted and i need to head to bed because i am feeling a little sick! I cant be sick this weekend! I havent spent ONE day with doug this week so i am hoping that tomorrow i get to see him for a while! i miss him SO much! Anyway, have a great weekend YA'LL!
I am so scared! Today i showed Nick the email that Jenni sent me yesterday! I know that i am not really mad at her...i am just really hurt by what she said! She is my best friend and i thought that she would be more supportive! I guess i was wrong about that. But i from what nick said, some of it is true. I know that i put most of my time aside for Doug, but only because i am seriously only really happy when i am with him. When i was with Jenni and Laura on friday, i felt like shit. I already told jenni why and laura probably already figured it out. But i mean, when i am at home, i am fighting with my mom, kevin, or doing chores, being criticised or something that hurts me even more. I cant stand being at home. I feel so lonely. When i am with anyone but Doug i feel like shit. I guess i have gotten so attatched is because he completely makes everything else go away. I know that everyone says that i shouldnt rely on him so much, but i cant help it. I have gone through so much in the past year and for once, i am happy, healthy, and smiling. I love it. I know that i have changed. But doesnt everyone? i mean i am not always going to stay the little 15 year old church girl. Girls change, people change, i am going to change. I personally like what i am. I am not afraid to talk about things. I am so open about everything. I have completely stopped lying to my mom and hiding things from her. I am sick of it. I am sick of being upset. I want to be happy. And geuss what? I HAVE BEEN FOR THE PAST 5 MONTHS! Nick says that i am too "clingy", which might be a little true. But i mean if Doug hasnt told me to back off, Why give up a chance to give him a hug or something? I mean, i am a very affectionate person and nothing is going to change that. Well anyways, i am scared because Doug and I talked 5th period and i got mostly everything out in the open! And then, when we were walking to 6th he was really quiet, he wouldnt touch me, and then when i went to give him a hug he didnt even touch me. I completely freaked out. After everything i was thinking about, that was definately not the time to do that. I was so upset. I mean, the one thing i needed right then was a hug, and the person i wanted one the most from didnt want to give me one. I started completely bawling my eyes out. I was pretty upset. But then after school i saw Doug and again, acted so fucking weird. I hate it. I feel like shit right now. I dont get it. I am so fucking frustrated!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Is he mad at me? Did i do something? What is up? I need to talk to him so bad! I am so frustrated! In the email Jenni said stuff about how i am not looking at my future anymore. Well guess what! Its not because i am just looking at the present. Its because i honestly dont think that i have a future! MY MOM GOT LAID OFF! WE HAVE NO MONEY AT ALL! MY GRANDPA DOESNT HAVE ENOUGH ANYMORE! I DONTHAVE A JOB! I AM STUPIDER THAN ALL HELL! If i have no confidence in myself how am i suppose to help people! Right now, i just want to make sure that Doug and I are as good as we were yesterday! I am so frustrated....
♥ Pode las estrellas en mis ojos ♥ I dont know what to think right now! Mikee Terrell was just talking to me online and he was saying how he can even tell that Doug absolutely adores me and that he cares about me just as much as I do him. It is amazing hearing that from a guy! I just could never imagine that a guy would say that. That makes me think that it is even more real. I dont know how to even explain how much i adore Doug. But then... Jenni wrote me an email saying how i need to straighten out my life. She was saying how i actually dont love doug and i am just acting. And all this other stuff. I started bawling my eyes out. I cant believe my best friend could say that! Why? I dont get it! HE makes me so happy! HOW CAN SHE THINK IT ISNT REAL! She did the exact same thing when she was dating Dana. Just becuase i spend most of my time with Doug doesnt mean that i am completely forgetting about them. I have spent every weekend for the past like 3 or 4 weeks with Laura and Jenni! How can she say taht i never hang out with them! I am sorry that i have a boyfriend i want to spend time with! I am actually not with him that much! I havent hung out with him at all this week yet. I dont know how she thinks all that crap! I was so happy today! I was glowing when i got home because Doug gave me a ride home and we talked and he gave me a goodbye kiss. I was completely glowing when i went upstairs and then i got online and checked my email! Now all i want to do is go hit something, or hurt myself, or do something stupid. I dont know...I dont know...I just want to cry...no...i want to hang out with doug. I want to just sit on his couch like we usually do, and just hug him and look at him while he lays there. I love watching him. Or when we sit there and he looks at my eyes and our noses touch or when he kisses my shoulder or something sweet. God i need someone. I am so fucking upset. I cant stop crying. I am just not good enough for Jenni. I am never going to be. I am changing and so is she. But i guess i am turning to shit or something. I am just another dissapointment to another fucking person!
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