Things I learned this weekend: I can be more than just what someone's willing to pay me to be a part of 'their thing'. I can be my own thing. It might not be easy, and it might not be great, but the opportunity is there.
I'm heading back to Walla for a real short visit, picking up the last of my stuff there, breathing deep and understanding that above principle. I don't -have- to go directly into whatever thing comes up. I can do my own thing.
Today, I learned the meaning of 'mortify' twice. Once, from a Rabbi named David at this morning's Side Project to Startup sessions, 'to make white, as if to kill from embarassment'.
Second, having dinner with part of the family at Morton's The Steakhouse. Politics and my drunk family. I was driving, thus, I was not drunk. In short, it was easy to be mortified.
Turned over Apartment #1 back to its actual owner yesterday, and my keys and life feel lighter. The night before, I went down and played piano for a little bit and remembered that yes, it was nice, but it didn't make me go 'my god, this is beautiful'. It was more of like.. this was very good for when it was needed.
Seriously, everytime I pick up my keys, I smile. They're lighter. Life is freer. And then there was this one week where it was raining men, and I found one that I liked. We'll see how it goes. Actually, found two that I liked, but one will be more fun. <3.
This morning, we decided not to launch the balloons (too windy) and went out to breakfast instead. As it is Mother's Day, the waitress comes around with carnations, and she starts handing them to all the women at the table, saying, Happy Mother's Day! I pass it on to the next lady at the table, with the thought of.. I am definitely not a mother. The waitress looks at me and goes, 'You're not a mother? Not even to a four legged creature?" Ack. "Nope, not at all." Someone at the table asks, "Who are you a mother for?" "Ex-boyfriends." Laughter. "Because you break up when you start turning into his mother."
Wherein I visited with some friends, made some new ones, and got sunburned. Am really tired, despite having slept 19 out of 24 hours yesterday. Wonder if I'm sick with something. Shall have to see.
Fishies all gone. Found the last one stuck in the filter this morning. It might be that the filter is too powerful and creates swirling eddies of death for small goldfish. I somehow doubt it, but am willing to try again. Time to start working on the May resolutions!
I sort my life out by putting all of it on my whiteboard. I have four columns of things to do, one each for each of the projects at work, one for all of tech things that should happen, and one column of things to do, just in general. There are lots of different things on these lists, and as I get better with making them, they're going to be easier to sort into various priorities. If I get one thing done from each column every day, I consider myself doing alright.
Yes, I might be a kindof a stressed out lady. But really, really.. I can handle it. Adulthood isn't as hard when you can write it all down and break it into smaller pieces.
Oh, I have a fishtank with a pirate ship in it. I need to change the water in it, I had two fishies and one of them got caught in the plant and perished. Good thing I didn't name them. I'll see how long this one survives, and maybe get some more. He's pretty active, and it definitely keeps me happy. Apartment with a cat, an office with a fishtank and a full whiteboard of things to keep me rolling along.
I'm addicted to the high of success. Success is putting energy towards things and getting them done. You can get what you want, or you can just get old.
I spent five days in San Francisco with my parents, brother and caught up with Melody and Bill for a day. It was nice, I travel differently than my parents, and traveling with them makes me sulky.
Love life is complicated, only because I'm not upset about it. I got a lecture from a friend today that I should be more upset about it. I don't necessarily mind. Where's the problem with it? I do what I want, he does what he wants, and only when his doing what he wants impacts my doing what I want - that's the problem. We've, uh, come perilously close to that point of impact. He's out of town right now, with no contact on my part. So we'll see what happens. I'm not all that concerned about it because I have other things on my plate to keep me busy. And that something better is coming, he just might not be here. No problem there.
Work is kicking up. I'm being shanghai'd into showing what I'm good for. It's about time, but it's kindof a bad time. Ah well. It's all about priorities, and right now, that's a fine thing to be priority 2. I'm also going to work on getting some Linux Engineering certifications out of the way, so that I really know what I'm doing. That would be great to focus on, except, again, other things are holding my attentions.
As of this afternoon and starting Wednesday, I'm going to be holding two apartments until the end of May. I also have a cat named Tess. She's sweet, she's going back to her person July 1st. As of yesterday, it looks like I'm going to be singing with a jazz trio in a wine bar downtown this summer, if I get my act together. Just being well rounded.
Dinner tonight for myself (and maybe K, if I can get her down here) is going to be lemongrass beef and noodle salad. Sliced steak marinated in a lemongrass-nam pla mixture, seared and served with chilis, cucumbers and fresh cilantro over cellophane noodles. Should be delicious. At this rate, I'm probably not going to eat before 11. Ah well. This weekend was 75 degrees, sunny and lovely. The cum trees across the street are blooming. I smell them and think of Dave. It makes me smile. LOVE LOVE LOVE this life.
These last few weeks have been spent trying to make a small town feel more like a bigger city. This means flinging around town with wild abandon, like I-don't-care-who-sees-me-I'm-going-to-have-fun. And it was fun. It's a little tricky to go back to balance again, when you know that you've got it in you to be able to out and carry on. The fun will continue through the spring rains, but now it's got overtones of responsibility again.
It's turned more into drama than fun recently, because there was a coast trip that I wasn't able to go on, and it made me more than a little crazy. (Simultaneously, it's also possible to have enough detachment to look up and go, why does this matter so much to you?) When you get confirmation that you did in fact have more fun at home, it's a good feeling.
Sing the rain on the roof on a summer night, where they still know wrong from right.
I've been doing a lot of driving recently, because it's the best way that I know how to find me and clear my head. Out on the open road is one of the few places where I can look at myself and go, self, what the hell are you doing? Are you being intentional about what you're doing, or are you walking blind?
I also think that I got really good copies of the gene that ties loud music with pleasure. That apparently came from fish, which I find kindof amusing, and I think of it when I turn the music up and it clears my head and lets me get on with whatever I was working through.
I've been here six months. A friend here told me, 'You have 23 months before WW sets in like a fungus. It starts at your feet, and creeps upwards. 24 months is too long, at the 23rd month, you have a chance of getting out.' So I'm noticing the six month mark with mixed emotions. The mileposts are there for a reason, and you ignore them at your peril.
Am I happy here? Absolutely. Happier here than I've been... in a long time. I know my options, and I know what kind of things I can do to open or close doors. I think I'll stay here. Portland, give me a few more weeks out here by myself and maybe I'll be able to come back to visit without the madness coming back.
ecstatic
pensive