yeah, i try to write it out, not sure what i recall...

New Years will bring
so much to say
but nothing comes out right...

as much as just making (mostly) clean breaks from all the people i did made it fairly easy to get over the lost relationships, i am finding it hard not to wonder how they are. i think it's just because i am in pueblo. no matter how hard a puebloan tries to escape their awful hometown, there's just something that pulls us back in. it's impossible. because i literally have no one to see when i'm "home" on breaks besides my parents/a handful of other family members, i come back to a familiar land full of strangers/enemies. it's a lot different. it makes me hate this town for a million different reasons. it's extremely weird. i'm 20 years old. i'm a sophomore in college. i know that my life in boulder is better than it ever could be here, but for some reason i just find this comfort in my parent's home. it's natural. it's where i grew up, but it shouldn't make me feel weird about going back to school. i'm lonely everywhere i go. but, i'm okay with that. i don't have anyone holding me back or dragging me down. i don't have a million people giving me their opinions whether or not i've asked...i don't have to deal with their problems when i can't even handle my ow...it's kind of nice. i've gone to more shows (what i love most) than ever in such a short amount of time and yeah, i've totally gone to a few solo. it's okay with me, though. i've just come to terms with not relying on other people. at all. the way i see it, they're the ones missing out and i should do what i want to do if i am able to. i know i should be more happy than i am, though. i mean i have this great job working with kids, they warm my heart. i love it. i think getting to play with kids 3 times a week makes one take themself a lot less seriously. it helps me clear my head. it puts a smile on my face and i rarely dread it...so really, i think i'm just finding out what's truly important to me...but at the same time there's something missing and as much as i've come to terms with being alone, i'm driving myself crazy. but, i'm trying to start this year the right way. i want to be optimistic and am hoping something comes along to finally make me leave that one thing, the real issue with pueblo in the past for good...but, truthfully i don't know if that'll ever happen. i guess i still am pathetic.

Oh, but the more I fight
Then the deeper I'm trapped
And I can't break free of this hold that you have

And I crave you more
Under the heat of your touch
And I need your skin

To ruin me
For this wicked town
Where your ghosts are bound
To me

One last sacrifice
Of this ritual escape

I was lying when I said...
"I believe,
in clean breaks..."

that's a long time.
i'm going to start keeping this thing up.
what for? i don't know...
maybe it'll inspire me to do some writing...
probably not.
either way.
welcome back, likealady8.


happy new year!

i should go to school more often.
oh well i'll go tomorrow.
nurse betty told me to stay home today.
i thought i wanted pb&j.
i most definitely don't.
eww.
i feel like my insides are falling out.
& my nose hurts.



yesterday. . .

+nurse betty is nice
+boys in math class made me laugh
+the pantry with dad
+our talk about republicans
+french fries
+lady in tumbleweed bookstore
+random man there
+our random conversation
-her not having the book
+then calling me as we're driving off saying she did
+getting the book
+coming home to my pretty lil' ipod
+muuuuuusic
-hearing about how nosy ppl are
-&how they open their huge mouths

what the fuck's a best friend anyway?
if you can be all right just not talking to me for weeks,
because you think I'm "mad" at you,
then you REALLY really don't know me.
calling someone & telling them you had a change of plans
is common courtesy.

feel well.
throat issue.
+now my stomach has decided to hate me, too.
i think it's funny when people try to get a rise out of me--
&don't.
i'm fine without all that.
what's bothering you?
post something stupid.
get some attention,
some pity,
whatever makes you feel better.
i used to think age was just a number...
++had nothing to do with maturity level
i used to think highly of a certain few people,
that's the past.
i'm over that.


hello, new year.
it's good to see you.
mmhmmmm.

life isn't all that badd.
i got my powerbook today,
finally...
i'm typing this on it right nowwwww.
i love it.
my ipod is lost though . . .
blarghhh.
oh well,
i'll get it eventually.

i came home from denver yesterday.
i was going to stay,
then i decided i didn't think i could handle it. . .
my whole break with 98368753 cousins,
i love them--
don't get me wrong,
but i need my space.

i had a good nite last nite.
ihop with inaiah.
then my parents joined us.
silly.
then he and i watched this new george harrison dvd my dad just got.
that's it.

coffee tonite.
i miss stetz.
i think kat and i are going to meet up.
i'm so lazy right nowwww.

much of anything.
i'm failing a class.
i'm a senior.
i'm almost 18.
a lot of people hate me.
i hate this cold.
i hate being ignored.
i haven't applied to any colleges.
my mom makes everything worse.
i don't feel well.
i'm always tired.
i just want things to work out.
i hate that i have no motivation.
i love jenny lewis.
i love this funny blanket that's on my bed.
i absolutely adore it when people hate me.
that's all.

hmmmm.
weird.
weird weird weird.
that's all.

lovelovelove.

that is all.

or at least spring break.
i need to escape the state for a while...
i need to figure things out.


i think it's funny when people go out of their way...
to try and prove they're okay
and think that by NOT being themselves
or completely lowering their standards
and doing things just to spite the person who hurt them
is going to help them feel better in the end.
then good for them.
i just hope that person can prove it to himself that
he's so HAPPY!
let's drink
and
fill ourselves up
with artificial
FEELINGS
and just be so happy
and better off.

whatever. i'm done with that.

the real point of this post is to say I FUCKING LOVE MELEEEEEEEEEEEEE! those boys are so amazing. Copeland also sounded great! I enjoyed their set a lot. They played so much from Beneath The Medicine Tree. ♥ my mandaaaa is so awesome. she drove us up to Denver--
1st time and did so so so so well! (such a dramatic nite/day)


we had to freak out on her mom...
finally got up there...
had issues with the parking...
it was 8.
the spill canvas was already playing.
IT WAS SOLD OUT.
i had to search everywhere for one of the Mêlées.
no luck.
they were inside and the security wouldn't let me in to find anyone.
they were soundchecking by the time we got in,
this guy (who ends up being the promoter) saw me and asked
if we needed to get in--
i was like, "YEAH! realllll bad!"
so he let us in.
thank god.
later on when i told the guys and Gabe...
tourmanagergabe almost got the guy killed
while trying to thank him as he was crossing the street.
haha.
the poor guys didn't even have their van or trailer...
they left them in grand junction
'cus the van blew a spark plug
so they had to rent one,
and i guess you can't pull a trailer on a rented vehicle...
so they just got a 2-seater,
and loaded everthing in the back of it...
and then had to rent a car, too.
we were supposed to go to Jerusalem's
'cus we wanted to,
and Cronny really did.
but then Gabe changed the plan on everyone--
and we went to this internet cafe place.
it was fairly lame.
i had a bagel
and a caramel macchiato.
the coffee was gross.
i shared my bagel with Ryan
&me and nader kinda traded drinks sorta.
poor lil' baby was sick and really tired,
so he wanted to wake up.
i had the rest of his raspberry iced tea (my favorite)
they decided to drive to grand juntion that nite,
even though they were all tired.
i offered them my aunt's place 'cus no one was there,
all the beds were empty...
they almost stayed
but, gabe is crazy.
and cronny got his 2nd wind and was like "let's go all the way!"
ahaha.
so they left.....

everytime i get to hang out with them i realize more and more how rare it is that there is a group of people who found each other and work so well with one another to make such amazing music and remain so down to earth and NICE. god they're such good people. they don't have to use alcohol and drugs or smoke cigarettes to be "cool" and have a "good time." it makes them that much more respectable and SMART...

sounds corny, right?

but seriously.

balhdas.
time for pictures!














frog?