A Place For Lost Thoughts

A sentence that has really bothered me today.

This morning a girl knocked on the door selling something for the house, something to do with windows, and I told her that we were a rented property. She asked if I knew which other houses in the area were rented, so I pointed a fe out for her to which she repplied: 'You're a nice person, I wish everybody that opened the dorr was as nice as you.'

'Nice'.

I feel that's how a lot of people view me. 'Nice'. Nobody really cares too much about hanging out with a 'Nice' person. Nobody really pays you much notice when you're 'Nice'.

Kyle and me had a falling out at the end of July because he let me down again. It wasn't really so much a fall out, we just stopped talking. He messaged me a few days ago to 'see where we stand' and we met up yesterday to chat. It was awkward. For the first time ever we didn't really have anything to say to one another. There's been a real shift in the friendship, something doesn't feel right.

Anyway, he was telling me about how much fun he has with his new group of friends an how they're always going out and having a laugh. It made me feel boring.

After everything that we've done for Kyle, I feel like I am just the friend that is there if he needs to get away. He can pay me no mind until something goes wrong and he needs to get away. I'm the 'Nice' one. Not the one that he particularly wants to go out and have a laugh with, but the one he can sit down and offload onto.

Seeing him has actually made me feel worse than how I felt when we weren't talking.

It's made me think about everybody else that I know and work with. Everyone sees me as this 'Nice' person that can maybe make them laugh every now and then, but how many people actually want to get to know me and be my friend? I'm like that girl that you'd have to sit next to in school who was always polite and friendly and would help you get through anthing you wouldn't understand and was really nice to talk to, but once that school bell rang you;d completely forget about her and go on with your life.

I don't have m/any friends. I often think about if I were to pass away. How many people would go to my funeral? Nobody recognises me as I walk through bromsgrove high street, nobody messages me or texts me to see how I'm doing. When I do see people we have small talk. I hate small talk. I'm that 'Nice' person that you vaguely remember speaking to a few days ago and that you can pick something up from the last conversation and ask how I'm doing.


I feel completely left behind with Kyle. We finished out meeting last night with 'Lets keep talking and see what happens'. I'm left today feeling completely bothered, whereas I know that he will be fine.

So the girl that said 'You're a 'Nice' person. I wanted to smily slyly and slam the door in her face and walk away. But instead, I said thank you and waved her off. Because I'm a 'Nice' person.

Bit of both really. This year it's been hell though cuz of the weather. Things i ordered at the end of November still aren't here - arrgh!

I'm 22 and I feel like I'm 56. I really feel like my life is over - it's an awful feeling.
I feel full of regret and wish I'd spent my life differently and actually achieved something.

I'm settling down and I'm not ready to.

I have a house( rented), my own furniture, TV, Sky, a cat. Mikey is getting on bettr at work, he has an iPhone, he's on a college course and he's enjoying it.
Every week has the same routine, we don't do anything spontaneous and we can't afford to go have fun.

I don't like it.

I haven't had any life experience. I haven't gone on holiday with friends, i haven't done anything crazy with friends, I haven't reallly gone anywhere or done anything.
I want to travel the world. I want to volunteer in Africa or in Thailand or Brazil! But it's never going to happen because Mike is ready to settle down.
I can't go off for 6 months and do something like volunteer, Mike would have to move out of the house and everything would be harder for him, and it's not what he deserves.

It's a horrid feeling being in love with someone but knowing that you both want dfferent things. In some ways I feel like I'm waiting for him to end it. If he ended it I would go abroad and do these things. Why don't I</> end it? Because I still love him and want to be with him. Its a weird feeling.

The last few years I've really changed as a person. Regressed. I'm nervous, quiet, anxious, down. I don't feel like I'm me. I feel like 'me' has been lost and replaced with this oddball person.
I hate social situations and I'm so sensitive. I read in to every little thing that someone says to me. I rehearse what I'm going to say to someone before I say it, if I say it. When it comes to speaking to people I feel like even though I'm breathing, I'm short of air. Like suffocating, but not.
Paralysed. I can't speak to people I don't know. I can't small talk, my mind goes blank. I come accross as odd because I don't speak, when in reality I don't speak because I don't want to come accross as odd.

That's not me! I'm funny (sometimes), bouncy and talkative. I do things that make me feel scared, just to do it! I "feel the fear and do it anyway".

I don't like who I am right now.

I know it sounds all dramatic and what not, but I really feel like everyday that passes the likeliness of me ever doing anything spontaneous and amazing is getting less and less.

I'm always going from high to low in my moods lately too =[ today is a bit of a low.

Anyways, im going off to watch tv! (wootwoot!)

Hmmmmz. I'd follow My Chemical Romance around on their tour and have it as a long holiday too.
Either that or I'd do the same old thing everyone else would do, go shopping, have a holiday and save the rest... but mostly shopping.

I'm so fed up.

fed up of being unemployed.
Fed up of not having m/any friends.
Fed up of being on my own.
Fed up of my parents having 4 holidays a year and still always complaining wheras Mike and me haven't been anywhere for 2 years and get on with things.
Fed up of my mind causing problems for me that I need counselling over (I'm not crazy)
Fed up of people talking to you or inviting you out because they feel they have to and they breathe a sign of relieft when you decline their invitation or stop talking to you when they realise you're upset.
Fed up of being fed up too.

I could make a massive list of "Fed Up's"

I'm not really sure what this entry is going to be about. Just my thoughts about things, i guess. Things in general.

Last Thursday was the most awful day EVER...
I was in a car crash at 8:30 in the morning, this guy and his wife instantly said it was Mikes fault, when in fact it wasn't. Then i had a 3 hour wait at the dental hospital to be told that there was actually a 10 week waiting list to have my wisdom tooth out, and yes it will hurt ALOT... then I had a further hospital appointment to try and find out what's wrong with me to be told that it's something that happened 2 years ago (X), which is still unresolved in my mind, and is causing me a problem... which in turn puts strain on my relationship.
I just want X to just.... go away. Leave me alone.
Things about it keep whirring in my head and I'm dreading the next time I see MD because although she wants to make the pain go away, she's got to delve into it all and make the pain come back. Obviously though, ignoring it and burying it isnt going to work because x keeps causing problems.



as usual, half an entry, ive found something else to do.

Taking things out on my boyfriend, when actually he's the only one that's ALWAYS there for me.

I used to watch the History video over and over and over and over.... and over again! loved it!

I feel that it's slightly pointless. I'm sure animals aren't offended by us being called their owners. I also think that arguments may arise with people 'stealing' peoples pets as they do not 'own' them, they only 'gaurd' them... maybe?

Manners. No one has manners any more. Parents don't seem to teach it, so school should. Or discipline.