I noticed something while watching The Phoenician Scheme's daringly protracted opening credits. The sequence consists of a long bird's-eye shot of a bathroom where Benicio del Toro's uber-wealthy businessman Zsa-Zsa Korda bathes while being attended to by innumerable servants. Watching closely, I observed that at least one of the various trays that the servants bring to him is arranged to look exactly like the bathroom itself in miniature, with the people and furniture represented on the tray by scissors and…

Not only was it bloated and boring, not only were all of the performances terrible, not only was it not scary, not only was it so unscary as to prove unintentionally hilarious (see Count Orlok's ridiculous mustache [seriously, what was up with that?] or Lily-Rose Depp sticking her tongue out as if to deliberately parody a depiction of a woman possessed), not only did it feature a lot of gratuitous female nudity in a very misogynistic, male-gazey way, not only…