hi
I really need to start updating and keeping notes here again.
Sleep eludes me
Can't sleep!
Though she lies there beside me,
Sleep eludes me.
So close, yet so far away!
Though she lies there beside me,
Sleep eludes me.
So close, yet so far away!
Life, death , relationships
Havn't used this journal much for awhile... is is perhaps time I did so again for a bit.
Post in response to my girlfirends fetlife writing.
I don't know what these life goals are that don't mesh... I really don't. What I do know is that I love you... unconditionally.... and that I want you to be happy and successful as possible in following your dreams. Certainly I am not standing in the way of career choices. I understand your need for a changing dynamic.... I really do. Other things I don't understand so much. bu tloving yourself, knowing yourself, and dealing with the shadows..... nothing wrong with that, you have to do it the way you do it and it's important. But you don't ever have to face the shadows alone.
What I do know is that you are the second woman in my live... ever... that I have let in far enough to be family. Your mother knew how much we loved each other and was happy to see how much we connected. Such a kind heart. I don't know how I can express how much it pained me to send you off without me and have a friend go with you instead. I wanted to be there. My family loves you, not just my circle of aquired family, but my actual family and my son. Letting people in that far is hard for me after all I have been through.... with you it just happened naturally. I really hadn't thought it would ever happen again. Hell, I think I was probably doing my best to guard against it.
After all you went through last summer I watched you retreat.... into online friends and worlds. We all process differently... i didn't press it.... kinda figured you would come around and talk to me when you were ready. You have from time to time.... But clearly more things have been bothering you.
As for the other person..... there has been a lot of not being open with me about that. I am still trying to figure it all out. I still don't know what this thing you learned about is that was a problem. I do know though that the biggest problem here with us was not enough open communication. And I know our communication with each other has had some crossed wires lately.... I know I am responsible there as well. And frankly dealing with all the crap brought up by the loss of a friend in the middle of it all.... just made it worse.
As for the submission question..... I have never asked for or demanded submission from you. While I may be a top, I have never wanted anything but a full partner who participates as an equal. That said, the trust you place in me when you submit from time to time... I cherish. I guess really though... at the end... I have to realize that the real submission is that I submitted myself to being open and vulnerable to you.... I don't think I thought that was possible again.
My further writings on my own fet page... hoping whe would follow thru and read as I asked.
When I was a kid I skated competitvely and it was amazing, I loved every minute of it. Eventually my coach Chet started to wither away.... cancer if I remember right. He would walk around the rink with his oxygen in tow.... and I would watch my mentor and friend who taught me to love skating and overcome my early health issues to enjoy it.... wither away and die. I remember the funeral service painfully. Those months with him stuck with me....
I took up singing.... my voice teacher Matthew got in a head on car wreck. We went to see the car... the engine block was in the front seat. It was amazing that he lived at all. We went and saw him in the hospital... .the pastors son... his legs up suspended and wrapped in bandages. It was like getting punched in the chest just walking into the room... he was so fraile. But he was inspiring, nothing but love and caring for anyone who came to see him. He recovered eventually... but it was a long road.
I loved my Grandfather, I watched him drift away in his old age. During hunting season we had to argue with him when he wanted us to stop the truck to shoot a deer. There was no deer.... just a stump in a field. He and my dad gave me a love for the outdoors and fishing. I can't pick up a rod without thinking of him. He kept trying to play the harmonica..... he couldn't... kept blaming it on the harmonica.... so he would buy more expensive ones. He died in his sleep..... we went to see Grandma.... I opened the cabinet and dozens of harmonicas spilled out. I still have the one she let me keep. I was just a kid.
I finished high school and spent part of the summer with my older brother and his wife. Something was off but I just couldn't pin it down. I moved to Arizona to go to trade school. During my first term.... he had moved from Portland back to our home town in Oakridge and would commute in his sports car I helped him fix up to Eugene to work.... windy mountain highway we use to drive like we had race cars... we knew that road like the backs of our hands. Coming home to his family at night... he slid around a corner in the rain and hit a mack truck head on in the other lane. I got an emergency flight back to Oregon and stayed with my sister. At the gathering the family tried to do a drug intervention on my sister in law. My sister stepped in.... I could barely fathom what was going on. It seems it was my brother with the addiction. And, he was coming home amped on uppers of some kind to stay awake. I hibernated at my sisters place for two weeks... she would go to work and I would take care of my nephew part of the time... or just hide under a set of headphones at the stereo. I lost my sister in law, and my nephew and niece to that debacle. My sister in law just stopped responding to anyone in the family who tried to reach out. It hurt... she had been my friend in high school.... we took band class together. The relationships have affected my whole family.... I don't know any of us will ever get past it..... it tore us apart. My brother is forever a part of me, his story my own and I will never get past it.
Car wrecks would come back to haunt me. I took up martial arts again after trade school. One of my teachers Robert was a very profound man... and a lakota teacher. I lost track of him in the early 2000's, I was no longer at the dojo and my ex wife moved me to Portland before leaving me. I was to feel blessed however to reconnect with Robert via facebook. I met him for tea.... we just sat and talked. Were putting our heads together to do some charity work. 6 months later the car he was in slid off the road and into a redwood tree killing him. The griefe wasn't as deep.... or so I thought. I handled it well. BUt I think of him often and am constantly astounded by the number of people he had a profound effect on as a Lakotah teacher, spiritual guide, and storyteller. He travelled the world with his performances. His picture hangs in my dojo.... a spiritual look at him as he performed the play Black Elk Speaks.
Then I met a woman....... I havn't let a lot of women in deeply. But I have payed the price with loss when the few I have have left me.... for one reason or another. The divorce devastated me. I didn't think I would ever let anyone in like that again. I was wrong.... I love her deeply and unconditionally. She moved to portland and it grew. She got into a bad room mate situation.... I helped her get out... we moved into a trailer she bought. It was good if a little cramped.... we were out in nature and I grew to love her even more. Then her mother died. Wasting away..... not the same but not too dismillar to my loss of my skating cooach. She agonized over her mothers health, we spent a christmas there... her mother was sweet and thrilled that we clearly loved each other so much. Then she died that summer while we were in the trailer. The woman I love grieved, and all I could do was hold her. I felt every tear, every bit she closed herself off. She retreated into an online world. I tried giving her her space, knowing she would talk to me when she was ready. It was OK, at night I would put my arms around her, she would sigh audibly with her whole body and press herself more deeply into my arms. So I would hold her... and wait. The summer ended.... we moved into a friends house.
I would agonize with worry about my own parents and their health issues. We are slowly losing my dad. It is painful to watch.
She seemed very happy to be in a comforting supporting house... We walked in the snow and ice and slid down the streets. Christmas was amazing. She seemed happy.
Then I couldn't get her to go out to do things with me.... she would put me off. We had some issues recently. At the same time, I attended a funeral for a friend. He barely survived being hit head on by a speeding car that crossed over the center line. Many surgeries later a year after... he died from complications from his last surgery. I would have a nervous breakdown as our relationship issues combined with all the loss of my brother and teachers would come boiling back to the surface. I tried to work through our relationship issues.... she really doesn't want to talk about it.... I get some deep truthes out of her in small bits.... then she closes off.... It seems I am just too entrenched in her head with her mother. And now, I am at a loss..... All I want to do is be there for her, but it seems my presence is part of the issue at the moment.
The concept of losing this woman I never thought I could love like this.....
Among the things I have learned in discussions.... is that at some point last summer she really did reach out to me... about her griefe and her mother and needeed me, she told me she needed me. I held her that night. But I waited after for her to reach out and talk to me. What she wanted was me to follow up with her. Apparently nearly a year later that still hurts her. Examininng myself, I also find she has become the center of my stability, where life had no stability at all for awhile. I have always tried to be the person people can lean on and rely on while being independant. Making myself vulnerable goes against everything I learned surviving growing up. Opening up is never easy.
Facebook post
Yesterday I learned that a very talented young martial artist from my AKANA family whom I met at our gathering last summer ended up upside down in a ravine in his car. A witness had to hold his head out of the water until help arrived apparently. He is currently in the hospital. He was looking forward... training to qualify for the upcoming Olympics which are adding karate to the mix. I hope for a speedy recovery and return to his passion.... when I was younger I bounced, these days I have a hard time recovering.
This one doesn't hit so close to home. But this past year has been tough with peoples accidents and deaths, particularly vehicular related incidents hit very close for me... and the last couple months have been very hard. I'm still raw from the things brought up from my depths by it all. Doing my best to resolve things, especially where I have fallen down on supporting loved ones despite my best efforts when they needed me and I thought I was providing while being patient. Death and losing or nearly losing people that are very important, and the burried issues of that, has been a near constant fixture in my life. Issues that I don't think anyone in my family has dealt with well.
Trying to find my balance again while other life issues are impacted by this one.
Post in response to my girlfirends fetlife writing.
I don't know what these life goals are that don't mesh... I really don't. What I do know is that I love you... unconditionally.... and that I want you to be happy and successful as possible in following your dreams. Certainly I am not standing in the way of career choices. I understand your need for a changing dynamic.... I really do. Other things I don't understand so much. bu tloving yourself, knowing yourself, and dealing with the shadows..... nothing wrong with that, you have to do it the way you do it and it's important. But you don't ever have to face the shadows alone.
What I do know is that you are the second woman in my live... ever... that I have let in far enough to be family. Your mother knew how much we loved each other and was happy to see how much we connected. Such a kind heart. I don't know how I can express how much it pained me to send you off without me and have a friend go with you instead. I wanted to be there. My family loves you, not just my circle of aquired family, but my actual family and my son. Letting people in that far is hard for me after all I have been through.... with you it just happened naturally. I really hadn't thought it would ever happen again. Hell, I think I was probably doing my best to guard against it.
After all you went through last summer I watched you retreat.... into online friends and worlds. We all process differently... i didn't press it.... kinda figured you would come around and talk to me when you were ready. You have from time to time.... But clearly more things have been bothering you.
As for the other person..... there has been a lot of not being open with me about that. I am still trying to figure it all out. I still don't know what this thing you learned about is that was a problem. I do know though that the biggest problem here with us was not enough open communication. And I know our communication with each other has had some crossed wires lately.... I know I am responsible there as well. And frankly dealing with all the crap brought up by the loss of a friend in the middle of it all.... just made it worse.
As for the submission question..... I have never asked for or demanded submission from you. While I may be a top, I have never wanted anything but a full partner who participates as an equal. That said, the trust you place in me when you submit from time to time... I cherish. I guess really though... at the end... I have to realize that the real submission is that I submitted myself to being open and vulnerable to you.... I don't think I thought that was possible again.
My further writings on my own fet page... hoping whe would follow thru and read as I asked.
When I was a kid I skated competitvely and it was amazing, I loved every minute of it. Eventually my coach Chet started to wither away.... cancer if I remember right. He would walk around the rink with his oxygen in tow.... and I would watch my mentor and friend who taught me to love skating and overcome my early health issues to enjoy it.... wither away and die. I remember the funeral service painfully. Those months with him stuck with me....
I took up singing.... my voice teacher Matthew got in a head on car wreck. We went to see the car... the engine block was in the front seat. It was amazing that he lived at all. We went and saw him in the hospital... .the pastors son... his legs up suspended and wrapped in bandages. It was like getting punched in the chest just walking into the room... he was so fraile. But he was inspiring, nothing but love and caring for anyone who came to see him. He recovered eventually... but it was a long road.
I loved my Grandfather, I watched him drift away in his old age. During hunting season we had to argue with him when he wanted us to stop the truck to shoot a deer. There was no deer.... just a stump in a field. He and my dad gave me a love for the outdoors and fishing. I can't pick up a rod without thinking of him. He kept trying to play the harmonica..... he couldn't... kept blaming it on the harmonica.... so he would buy more expensive ones. He died in his sleep..... we went to see Grandma.... I opened the cabinet and dozens of harmonicas spilled out. I still have the one she let me keep. I was just a kid.
I finished high school and spent part of the summer with my older brother and his wife. Something was off but I just couldn't pin it down. I moved to Arizona to go to trade school. During my first term.... he had moved from Portland back to our home town in Oakridge and would commute in his sports car I helped him fix up to Eugene to work.... windy mountain highway we use to drive like we had race cars... we knew that road like the backs of our hands. Coming home to his family at night... he slid around a corner in the rain and hit a mack truck head on in the other lane. I got an emergency flight back to Oregon and stayed with my sister. At the gathering the family tried to do a drug intervention on my sister in law. My sister stepped in.... I could barely fathom what was going on. It seems it was my brother with the addiction. And, he was coming home amped on uppers of some kind to stay awake. I hibernated at my sisters place for two weeks... she would go to work and I would take care of my nephew part of the time... or just hide under a set of headphones at the stereo. I lost my sister in law, and my nephew and niece to that debacle. My sister in law just stopped responding to anyone in the family who tried to reach out. It hurt... she had been my friend in high school.... we took band class together. The relationships have affected my whole family.... I don't know any of us will ever get past it..... it tore us apart. My brother is forever a part of me, his story my own and I will never get past it.
Car wrecks would come back to haunt me. I took up martial arts again after trade school. One of my teachers Robert was a very profound man... and a lakota teacher. I lost track of him in the early 2000's, I was no longer at the dojo and my ex wife moved me to Portland before leaving me. I was to feel blessed however to reconnect with Robert via facebook. I met him for tea.... we just sat and talked. Were putting our heads together to do some charity work. 6 months later the car he was in slid off the road and into a redwood tree killing him. The griefe wasn't as deep.... or so I thought. I handled it well. BUt I think of him often and am constantly astounded by the number of people he had a profound effect on as a Lakotah teacher, spiritual guide, and storyteller. He travelled the world with his performances. His picture hangs in my dojo.... a spiritual look at him as he performed the play Black Elk Speaks.
Then I met a woman....... I havn't let a lot of women in deeply. But I have payed the price with loss when the few I have have left me.... for one reason or another. The divorce devastated me. I didn't think I would ever let anyone in like that again. I was wrong.... I love her deeply and unconditionally. She moved to portland and it grew. She got into a bad room mate situation.... I helped her get out... we moved into a trailer she bought. It was good if a little cramped.... we were out in nature and I grew to love her even more. Then her mother died. Wasting away..... not the same but not too dismillar to my loss of my skating cooach. She agonized over her mothers health, we spent a christmas there... her mother was sweet and thrilled that we clearly loved each other so much. Then she died that summer while we were in the trailer. The woman I love grieved, and all I could do was hold her. I felt every tear, every bit she closed herself off. She retreated into an online world. I tried giving her her space, knowing she would talk to me when she was ready. It was OK, at night I would put my arms around her, she would sigh audibly with her whole body and press herself more deeply into my arms. So I would hold her... and wait. The summer ended.... we moved into a friends house.
I would agonize with worry about my own parents and their health issues. We are slowly losing my dad. It is painful to watch.
She seemed very happy to be in a comforting supporting house... We walked in the snow and ice and slid down the streets. Christmas was amazing. She seemed happy.
Then I couldn't get her to go out to do things with me.... she would put me off. We had some issues recently. At the same time, I attended a funeral for a friend. He barely survived being hit head on by a speeding car that crossed over the center line. Many surgeries later a year after... he died from complications from his last surgery. I would have a nervous breakdown as our relationship issues combined with all the loss of my brother and teachers would come boiling back to the surface. I tried to work through our relationship issues.... she really doesn't want to talk about it.... I get some deep truthes out of her in small bits.... then she closes off.... It seems I am just too entrenched in her head with her mother. And now, I am at a loss..... All I want to do is be there for her, but it seems my presence is part of the issue at the moment.
The concept of losing this woman I never thought I could love like this.....
Among the things I have learned in discussions.... is that at some point last summer she really did reach out to me... about her griefe and her mother and needeed me, she told me she needed me. I held her that night. But I waited after for her to reach out and talk to me. What she wanted was me to follow up with her. Apparently nearly a year later that still hurts her. Examininng myself, I also find she has become the center of my stability, where life had no stability at all for awhile. I have always tried to be the person people can lean on and rely on while being independant. Making myself vulnerable goes against everything I learned surviving growing up. Opening up is never easy.
Facebook post
Yesterday I learned that a very talented young martial artist from my AKANA family whom I met at our gathering last summer ended up upside down in a ravine in his car. A witness had to hold his head out of the water until help arrived apparently. He is currently in the hospital. He was looking forward... training to qualify for the upcoming Olympics which are adding karate to the mix. I hope for a speedy recovery and return to his passion.... when I was younger I bounced, these days I have a hard time recovering.
This one doesn't hit so close to home. But this past year has been tough with peoples accidents and deaths, particularly vehicular related incidents hit very close for me... and the last couple months have been very hard. I'm still raw from the things brought up from my depths by it all. Doing my best to resolve things, especially where I have fallen down on supporting loved ones despite my best efforts when they needed me and I thought I was providing while being patient. Death and losing or nearly losing people that are very important, and the burried issues of that, has been a near constant fixture in my life. Issues that I don't think anyone in my family has dealt with well.
Trying to find my balance again while other life issues are impacted by this one.
Trees talkin.....
Maybe the druids knew something. And maybe the movie Avatar was onto something....
http://cryptik.squarespace.com/hom…
http://cryptik.squarespace.com/hom…
Too long
Damn... not having a consistent place to sit down in private to write that has an internet connection sure keeps me away from serious journaling.
Still here though.
It's been a tough year.
Still here though.
It's been a tough year.
Safe Journeys.........
Struggles death and loss
Havn't been posting here much. The year started with a bang and then rapidly got out of control cascading into chaos. Which cost me to lose sight of a paying contract...... and touch of a paying client. Which really sucks.
Some good things have happened this year though. Presentation at the Arts Magnet Academy High School for their English Department turned into paid work as a fight choreographer for their theatre department.
Devil's Of War the film I worked on last year got released in Europe on DVD. Wednesday night I attended the local premiere screening on the big screen - should be available on DVD in the USA pretty quickly.
Invite to run a martial arts symposium at Portland GearCon took off like a shot and was very successful. Still some funds to be reimbursed for that effort... need to get ahold of Steve. But it was very successful. One of the classes we held was a women's only self defense class. Our best attended class of the weekend from which I have heard nothing but good from people. Sounds like we will be back next year.
The big thing though is reeling from deaths this year. One of my Idols martial arts legend Joe Lewis died earlier this year. The end of last month the captain of the Tall Ship Royaliste the ship we have been helping restore, passed away in his chair while reading. Weekend before GearCon we drove across the state to his memorial service. He was an amazing guy who's influence on the community I am only starting to fathom. I knew of Jim Rich when I lived in Southern Oregon.... but I didn't actually know him then.
Monday after GearCon I got news of a more personal sort. One of my friends and teachers Robert Owens Greygrass died in a Car Accident after sliding off the road and crashing into a tree. It brings up a lot of emotions for me, my older brother died in a car accident very suddenly. I had thought I was largely come to terms with that. But Robert was very important in my life and losing him in a similar manner has brought up a lot of stuff.
I knew of Robert Owens before i met him. Best known for being part of the Southern Oregon native american community. I would see him walking around town with his distinctive limb and long hair. Or with a gathering of Native American outreach on the plaza... usually surrounded by the younger members of the community. But it was his role in Black Elk Speaks at the theatre and the press it got that really grabbed my attention.
I wasn't to meet and talk to him until he wandered into the dojo one day. Here was a man with a hip problem and a leg that appeared shorter than the other walking with a distinctive limp that looked like maybe he was in pain when he moved (never did ask if that was the case). He changed and then began stretching showing remarkable flexibility that I have never acheived in my life. And he gave off a calm and warm energy and an open awareness of his surroundings. I was intrigued by him.
Didn't really get to talk to him until after class the following week. Hanshei Piddington made it known that Sensei Owens was looking for a sparring partner. I was willing and the only one not leaving the building right away. We bowed and he started attacking. The blows came rapidly and I retreated in small offline circular steps blocking with double high-low forearm blocks. We went in a tight circle about one and a half times.... not a blow landed on me and I blocked them all. Robert stopped and took a step back and appraised me. I forget what was said exactly.... but the remark was that I hadn't thrown any shots of my own. I pointed out that he hadn't given me the opportunity I was too busy blocking everything he threw at me giving me no time to throw my own shots. We went back to it for awhile.
My relationship with Sensei Owens changed a lot after that. Some deep respect from me as he got more involved with the dojo. The dojo started getting invited to provide volunteer security at events the Native American Cultural Center was putting on. I participated in a couple of those. I started becoming aware of his public outreach from the native community to everyone else and the work he was doing with native youth and teaching old traditions. And I think he started to become aware of the charity work that i was doing. And we were both working with the local theatres.
I remember being in the dressing room with him changing.. he was always lean and ripped muscle.... and noticing the scars on his chest. I knew Sensei Robert was Lakotah so I asked him if they were from sundance. He seemed a little surprised I knew what that was.... but it started a conversation and deepened our friendship. He confirmed that the several scars were each from a sundance and that he hoped to do another. I started attending local events the cultural center would put out to the public. I would see Native youths and young adults passing flyers around in the community or announcements in the paper. This or that elder teacher or storyteller visiting town. I would show up with a little tobacco as a gift and fade into the background feeling a little out of place as the only white guy in the place. One event in particular stuck out... A visiting elder in town that I had picked up a flyer about and would be out at Ashland Springs. Robert wasn't there and I didn't know anyone..... at the time I was working on carving a soapstone ceremonial pipe. I faded into the background feeling a little out of place and stayed aware of goings on while keeping busy with the soapstone and my pocket knife. Finally someone came by and offered to give me some tips on my carving with a nod of approval at the progress I had made. He asked me which tribe I belonged too... I replied "I am not sure one of the twelve" I got a puzzled look from him. I think maybe he had seen me around enough he just assumed this young Jewish kid must be at least partially native.
And I remember the outdoor music festival at Emigrant Lake that Sensei Owens was instrumental in organizing. An interesting thing with both native performers and mainstream performers. I went with Mary Anne - bought her her ceramic drum at that festival.... which I don't think she plays anymore. Talked to Robert and walked around with him. He told me the purpose was to try and bring the native community together with the rest of the local community... Robert was always bridge building. And I remember he made a point of taking me across the site and introducing me to John Trudell and telling me about John's acitivism. Trudell's story is an interesting one - but not the purpose of this writing. But Robert was always pushing people towards awareness and getting involved. I loved him for that.
Robert delivered my first broken bone to me. Advanced class in the dojo and we were all sparring and rotating partners as we often did. We had been at it for awhile when I got partnered with Sensei Owens. Robert had a way of bringing out a deep focus in me. We squared off and after awhile I used a front foot sweep against his lead leg... his bad leg. He went spinning across the room offbalance. (It only occured to me later that there didn't seem to be anyone in the way.) He came back and I somehow knew he would try and sweep my lead leg in return. I weighted back on my back leg as we looked each other over for openings. Sure enough the leg came through... just barely I escaped the timing lifting my front leg up and bringing it back down lightly on the outside of his knee with just a tap so he knew it was there. The focus got deeper. We sized each other up and entered cautiously... the angle seemed right and I threw a reverse punch, Sensei Owens counter punched whith his own reverse punch. Slightly better timing and angle than mine and I felt a sharp stab in my right upper chest. I tried to straighten up to continue and felt a spasm as I took an indrawn breath.... we called it quits and looked around the room. Everyone else had stopped everything and had been just watching us spar. I have no idea how long that had been going on..... but it occurs to me later that no one had been in the way on the floor when I foot swept him and he careened halfway across the floor.
On the occasion of testing for my brown belt I remember something distinctly. Sifu Tom Spellman and I had been preparing for him to start his JuiJitsu classes. We would spend hours watching imported film footage or he would recomend imported Judo films for me to watch. At the end of the day we were given solo time with each of the black belts. Joe Harrington and I were testing and were alone with him in the dojo. It was heartfelt talking from the heart and spontaneous sparring to see how we held up under pressure. I remember we finished a few rounds with him.... and were talking..... suddenly Sensie Owens rushed me from close range both hands out towards my shoulders like he was going to run me over. I braced against him and gave ground one, two steps..... then brought my right foot up to his center and lifted him over my head in a sacrifice throw...... i don't know where it came from, it was spontaneous, but I had been watching footage of such throws a couple days before and had never actually done one. Sensei went flying across the room to land on his back. We both lay on our backs for a moment in shock, I got up first and he was still laying there and I asked him if he was OK. He was fine and got up and we decided we should move farther away from the glass doors at teh front of the dojo.
I had never seen him on a stage before. I went with Hanshei Piddington to seem him perform the lead role of the "Elephant Man". It may be one of the most profound moments I have ever had as an audience member in a theatre. Here was Robert a man with a hip and leg problem that I knew well.... onstage with no makeup just his one powerful spirit and focus embodying the horribly disfigured and emotionally torn Elephant Man.... and then the dream sequences would come and Robert would portray this same man in his head as a man free from his burden.... physically transforming himself and bounding around the theatre with no limp and no burdens effortlessly. It was amazing to me. He won awards for that show and it earned him work with the Oregon Shakespeare Festival.
I would see Robert at local PowWows over the years. The cultural center eventually closed, the dojo's split. I lost touch with him largely. Recently he was touring in Washington and stopped in Portland.... staying and visiting with family I believe. We arranged to meet for morning tea over on Alberta Street. I got there early to read the paper and have something to eat. I sensed Roberts energy..... warm, comforting, confident, connected before I saw him. I looked up and gave him a warm smile and got up to greet him and he gave me a big hug. We talked quite a bit, about his shows, about activism.. his and mine, about the native american community and the reservations. Caught up on life. We were plotting to bring him to Portland to do "Walking on Turtle Island" as a charity show. I am sad this will never happen.......
Sensei Robert Owens Greygrass...... you are loved and will be missed. Your absence will leave a void in the world.... your influence has been felt across continents. Safe journeys my friend.... it has been an honor to know you. Tonight I get out the hoop drum, the feathers, the sage and the tobacco in your honor.
Some good things have happened this year though. Presentation at the Arts Magnet Academy High School for their English Department turned into paid work as a fight choreographer for their theatre department.
Devil's Of War the film I worked on last year got released in Europe on DVD. Wednesday night I attended the local premiere screening on the big screen - should be available on DVD in the USA pretty quickly.
Invite to run a martial arts symposium at Portland GearCon took off like a shot and was very successful. Still some funds to be reimbursed for that effort... need to get ahold of Steve. But it was very successful. One of the classes we held was a women's only self defense class. Our best attended class of the weekend from which I have heard nothing but good from people. Sounds like we will be back next year.
The big thing though is reeling from deaths this year. One of my Idols martial arts legend Joe Lewis died earlier this year. The end of last month the captain of the Tall Ship Royaliste the ship we have been helping restore, passed away in his chair while reading. Weekend before GearCon we drove across the state to his memorial service. He was an amazing guy who's influence on the community I am only starting to fathom. I knew of Jim Rich when I lived in Southern Oregon.... but I didn't actually know him then.
Monday after GearCon I got news of a more personal sort. One of my friends and teachers Robert Owens Greygrass died in a Car Accident after sliding off the road and crashing into a tree. It brings up a lot of emotions for me, my older brother died in a car accident very suddenly. I had thought I was largely come to terms with that. But Robert was very important in my life and losing him in a similar manner has brought up a lot of stuff.
I knew of Robert Owens before i met him. Best known for being part of the Southern Oregon native american community. I would see him walking around town with his distinctive limb and long hair. Or with a gathering of Native American outreach on the plaza... usually surrounded by the younger members of the community. But it was his role in Black Elk Speaks at the theatre and the press it got that really grabbed my attention.
I wasn't to meet and talk to him until he wandered into the dojo one day. Here was a man with a hip problem and a leg that appeared shorter than the other walking with a distinctive limp that looked like maybe he was in pain when he moved (never did ask if that was the case). He changed and then began stretching showing remarkable flexibility that I have never acheived in my life. And he gave off a calm and warm energy and an open awareness of his surroundings. I was intrigued by him.
Didn't really get to talk to him until after class the following week. Hanshei Piddington made it known that Sensei Owens was looking for a sparring partner. I was willing and the only one not leaving the building right away. We bowed and he started attacking. The blows came rapidly and I retreated in small offline circular steps blocking with double high-low forearm blocks. We went in a tight circle about one and a half times.... not a blow landed on me and I blocked them all. Robert stopped and took a step back and appraised me. I forget what was said exactly.... but the remark was that I hadn't thrown any shots of my own. I pointed out that he hadn't given me the opportunity I was too busy blocking everything he threw at me giving me no time to throw my own shots. We went back to it for awhile.
My relationship with Sensei Owens changed a lot after that. Some deep respect from me as he got more involved with the dojo. The dojo started getting invited to provide volunteer security at events the Native American Cultural Center was putting on. I participated in a couple of those. I started becoming aware of his public outreach from the native community to everyone else and the work he was doing with native youth and teaching old traditions. And I think he started to become aware of the charity work that i was doing. And we were both working with the local theatres.
I remember being in the dressing room with him changing.. he was always lean and ripped muscle.... and noticing the scars on his chest. I knew Sensei Robert was Lakotah so I asked him if they were from sundance. He seemed a little surprised I knew what that was.... but it started a conversation and deepened our friendship. He confirmed that the several scars were each from a sundance and that he hoped to do another. I started attending local events the cultural center would put out to the public. I would see Native youths and young adults passing flyers around in the community or announcements in the paper. This or that elder teacher or storyteller visiting town. I would show up with a little tobacco as a gift and fade into the background feeling a little out of place as the only white guy in the place. One event in particular stuck out... A visiting elder in town that I had picked up a flyer about and would be out at Ashland Springs. Robert wasn't there and I didn't know anyone..... at the time I was working on carving a soapstone ceremonial pipe. I faded into the background feeling a little out of place and stayed aware of goings on while keeping busy with the soapstone and my pocket knife. Finally someone came by and offered to give me some tips on my carving with a nod of approval at the progress I had made. He asked me which tribe I belonged too... I replied "I am not sure one of the twelve" I got a puzzled look from him. I think maybe he had seen me around enough he just assumed this young Jewish kid must be at least partially native.
And I remember the outdoor music festival at Emigrant Lake that Sensei Owens was instrumental in organizing. An interesting thing with both native performers and mainstream performers. I went with Mary Anne - bought her her ceramic drum at that festival.... which I don't think she plays anymore. Talked to Robert and walked around with him. He told me the purpose was to try and bring the native community together with the rest of the local community... Robert was always bridge building. And I remember he made a point of taking me across the site and introducing me to John Trudell and telling me about John's acitivism. Trudell's story is an interesting one - but not the purpose of this writing. But Robert was always pushing people towards awareness and getting involved. I loved him for that.
Robert delivered my first broken bone to me. Advanced class in the dojo and we were all sparring and rotating partners as we often did. We had been at it for awhile when I got partnered with Sensei Owens. Robert had a way of bringing out a deep focus in me. We squared off and after awhile I used a front foot sweep against his lead leg... his bad leg. He went spinning across the room offbalance. (It only occured to me later that there didn't seem to be anyone in the way.) He came back and I somehow knew he would try and sweep my lead leg in return. I weighted back on my back leg as we looked each other over for openings. Sure enough the leg came through... just barely I escaped the timing lifting my front leg up and bringing it back down lightly on the outside of his knee with just a tap so he knew it was there. The focus got deeper. We sized each other up and entered cautiously... the angle seemed right and I threw a reverse punch, Sensei Owens counter punched whith his own reverse punch. Slightly better timing and angle than mine and I felt a sharp stab in my right upper chest. I tried to straighten up to continue and felt a spasm as I took an indrawn breath.... we called it quits and looked around the room. Everyone else had stopped everything and had been just watching us spar. I have no idea how long that had been going on..... but it occurs to me later that no one had been in the way on the floor when I foot swept him and he careened halfway across the floor.
On the occasion of testing for my brown belt I remember something distinctly. Sifu Tom Spellman and I had been preparing for him to start his JuiJitsu classes. We would spend hours watching imported film footage or he would recomend imported Judo films for me to watch. At the end of the day we were given solo time with each of the black belts. Joe Harrington and I were testing and were alone with him in the dojo. It was heartfelt talking from the heart and spontaneous sparring to see how we held up under pressure. I remember we finished a few rounds with him.... and were talking..... suddenly Sensie Owens rushed me from close range both hands out towards my shoulders like he was going to run me over. I braced against him and gave ground one, two steps..... then brought my right foot up to his center and lifted him over my head in a sacrifice throw...... i don't know where it came from, it was spontaneous, but I had been watching footage of such throws a couple days before and had never actually done one. Sensei went flying across the room to land on his back. We both lay on our backs for a moment in shock, I got up first and he was still laying there and I asked him if he was OK. He was fine and got up and we decided we should move farther away from the glass doors at teh front of the dojo.
I had never seen him on a stage before. I went with Hanshei Piddington to seem him perform the lead role of the "Elephant Man". It may be one of the most profound moments I have ever had as an audience member in a theatre. Here was Robert a man with a hip and leg problem that I knew well.... onstage with no makeup just his one powerful spirit and focus embodying the horribly disfigured and emotionally torn Elephant Man.... and then the dream sequences would come and Robert would portray this same man in his head as a man free from his burden.... physically transforming himself and bounding around the theatre with no limp and no burdens effortlessly. It was amazing to me. He won awards for that show and it earned him work with the Oregon Shakespeare Festival.
I would see Robert at local PowWows over the years. The cultural center eventually closed, the dojo's split. I lost touch with him largely. Recently he was touring in Washington and stopped in Portland.... staying and visiting with family I believe. We arranged to meet for morning tea over on Alberta Street. I got there early to read the paper and have something to eat. I sensed Roberts energy..... warm, comforting, confident, connected before I saw him. I looked up and gave him a warm smile and got up to greet him and he gave me a big hug. We talked quite a bit, about his shows, about activism.. his and mine, about the native american community and the reservations. Caught up on life. We were plotting to bring him to Portland to do "Walking on Turtle Island" as a charity show. I am sad this will never happen.......
Sensei Robert Owens Greygrass...... you are loved and will be missed. Your absence will leave a void in the world.... your influence has been felt across continents. Safe journeys my friend.... it has been an honor to know you. Tonight I get out the hoop drum, the feathers, the sage and the tobacco in your honor.
Bleh....
I think the hardest thing about being alone for the holidays is knowing someone else is living my family life with my boy and his mother.
Martial Arts week....
So a lot of things happened in the last week....
Went down to Medford for Academia Duellatoria to teach a weekend workshop on the rapier with Matthew. People that RSVP'd to it didn't show up except for our students from John's branch of the school down there. Which was a little dissapointing, though it did let us cover better ground with our existing students.
Brian is back. He's one of my original students down there and now teaching Saviolo's system to the guys down there in addition to their study of Thibault. Grooming Brian to continue and become one of our certified instructors. I have high hopes.
Monday night went to Academia Duellatoria class in Phoenix. My old Room mate Ken showed up and I gave him a ride back to Ashland after class. Then stopped at Black Sheep for dinner and beer. Got into a long conversation with a general contractor from Northern California while there. Then headed out to the car and heard mic'd voices coming from the open doors to Alex's balcony so headed up the stairs to see who it was. Fellow black belt Lynn Harris was there listening to my old friend Tom Stamper playing drums with his band. Caught the last two numbers from the band and helped pack out the drum kit. Then gave Lynn a ride across town where we had a long conversation about karate and the martial arts business over a beer at the Wild Goose.
After the weekend I spent time with Hanshei Jerry Piddington and my karate family in Ashland. Jerry moved back to the area a while back and opened a new dojo the beginning of 2012. It's good to see such a collection of great people under one roof.
I suited up and worked out with them, and helped teach the beginners classes on Tuesday. It really felt great to be doing karate with them. Went out for a beer with Joe, Lynn and Hanshei Piddington after the evening classes on Tuesday.
Lot's of talks with Jerry Piddington. He is sure he granted me my Nidan.... I assured him while I had the time in... I never took the test. Lot's of assurance in confidence in me and in the end am told to refresh my memory on the material and he will sign off on my Nidan. And, in the meantime to just start teaching and granting rank and he won't worry about my lack of Nidan - it will come soon enough.
So.... lots of planning and thinking to do on how to incorporate a karate program into our space at Academia Duellatoria in in Portland.
Went down to Medford for Academia Duellatoria to teach a weekend workshop on the rapier with Matthew. People that RSVP'd to it didn't show up except for our students from John's branch of the school down there. Which was a little dissapointing, though it did let us cover better ground with our existing students.
Brian is back. He's one of my original students down there and now teaching Saviolo's system to the guys down there in addition to their study of Thibault. Grooming Brian to continue and become one of our certified instructors. I have high hopes.
Monday night went to Academia Duellatoria class in Phoenix. My old Room mate Ken showed up and I gave him a ride back to Ashland after class. Then stopped at Black Sheep for dinner and beer. Got into a long conversation with a general contractor from Northern California while there. Then headed out to the car and heard mic'd voices coming from the open doors to Alex's balcony so headed up the stairs to see who it was. Fellow black belt Lynn Harris was there listening to my old friend Tom Stamper playing drums with his band. Caught the last two numbers from the band and helped pack out the drum kit. Then gave Lynn a ride across town where we had a long conversation about karate and the martial arts business over a beer at the Wild Goose.
After the weekend I spent time with Hanshei Jerry Piddington and my karate family in Ashland. Jerry moved back to the area a while back and opened a new dojo the beginning of 2012. It's good to see such a collection of great people under one roof.
I suited up and worked out with them, and helped teach the beginners classes on Tuesday. It really felt great to be doing karate with them. Went out for a beer with Joe, Lynn and Hanshei Piddington after the evening classes on Tuesday.
Lot's of talks with Jerry Piddington. He is sure he granted me my Nidan.... I assured him while I had the time in... I never took the test. Lot's of assurance in confidence in me and in the end am told to refresh my memory on the material and he will sign off on my Nidan. And, in the meantime to just start teaching and granting rank and he won't worry about my lack of Nidan - it will come soon enough.
So.... lots of planning and thinking to do on how to incorporate a karate program into our space at Academia Duellatoria in in Portland.
Architecture
WOW - I have come to expect it by now. But the fact that someone wants to spend $350,000 plus on construction costs of a 3 story house (not including cost of the property) on a steep slope but is unwilling to pay 6.5 to 8 thousand on getting the design/construction documents done that things will be built from done properly still boggles my mind. Good drawings - in the long run - save you quite a bit of money on construction.
Bear in mind I have to pay for engineering services out of those fees.
Bear in mind I have to pay for engineering services out of those fees.