Alice

Butthole

Hi

Jesus god they are putting cancer in the teflon cookware. I can't wait till they can sneak it into eyedrops and condoms. Rot those fuckers right off. I think humans created cancer. we were never meant to live that long, nature corrected itself. I don't know the history of cancer but i'll bet the majority of people used to die before they got cancer. if we cure cancer...
if we CURE it...what is next? we can't live forever. we are overpopulated.
tell you what, some bird flu is going to sweep through us. something. something will come eventually.
regina high school presented by pepsi?
guy in a outhouse...watching women. he was inside it. where the poop is.
this world is so scary sometimes and no one really seems to mind. we are just supposed to buy stuff.
mad cow mad clock!
"troops feared dead"
what the fuck does that tell us, we are scared that they are dead? do you know if they are dead or not?
hate/love media
it is so grotesque and horrible, a giant leviathan of death and bombs and terror and the color meter...
it is making us insane, well, it is making me insane.
i love cd infommercials because you can just listen to all the little clips over and over again.
meat loaf. queen. cheap trick. kiss. what the fuck happened to the classic rock? oh, it is classic rock apparently. "one free phone call and you can have legends delivered right to your door!" Holy shit, you aren't going to charge me the phone call, i have to fucking order this 10,000 cd collection for 33 payments of 133.33 right now! it does have ccr.
new infommercial...
ronco! ronco! the ronco rotirsserie diet! yes! oh, it's the knife one with.
i want to ...i forgot.
cereal sales are down.
a gastric stimulator to fight obesity. I'll bet electric shock is just as, if not more, effective than what ever that is. i had a hard time with that last sentence, did i place commas correctly when using "just as if not more"?

do do do do do
dododo dododo dododo do dodo
ts tsts ts tsts ts tsts
do what now? do these cost?

old dos games. did anyone play life and death? you have to perform surgery. i kill everyone.
what about oregon trail? yeah, what are you gonna do huh? are you going to caulk your wagon and float it or just drive through the river? in the newer one you can even hire an indian to help you across the river. how considerate, would you like me to rape you in the ass before i take your land too?
hello? shhhh. a big old eyeball with a blister for a retina right on my arm. it's hideous and it itches.

c'mon seriously no one reading this plays world of warcraft. oh come on. c'mon.
the pizza guy one time saw the computer and recognized it.

the wolf dos game is difficult to understand. you are a wolf but you pretty much just run around and hunt and drink and fuck. but fucking is rare. i hope you actually have the babies. a helicopter could mow you down at any second.
so quiet. so alone. if i didn't work with people, i would be so crazy from the silence. i feel crazy now. overall i've adjusted well. i feel like its hard to find decent people to hang out with.
the commune. we could chop our own wood and have the circle back massage.
back to the game.

rockstar games is making a video game out of the warriors.
"WARRRRRIIIIOOOOORRRRSSS....COME OUT TO PLAY-AYYYYYYY..."

Cop: Hi, this is officer so and so and i was running my dog and i'd like to know what to watch for for heat stroke.
Me: okay what is it doing?
Cop: vomiting and wobbly in the rear.
Me: okay well you need to take the temperature rectally that is the only way to know.
Cop: okay i think i'm just going to put some ice under her armpits.
Me: you should take the temperature first and if it is high i would call us back and bring it in here to cool it down. if you cool it down too quickly, bad stuff will happen. (aka death by disseminated intravascular coagulation, or DIC, which could also stand for dead in cage)
Cop: okay.

Cop doesn't call back for awhile. He didn't take the temperature and he cooled it down with the hose. And it turns out the dog actually collapsed.
It's not clear if it even had heatstroke, or will go into DIC, or anything just because this dipshit police officer can't take advice from someone who knows something more than him. Yes officer, completely ignore me and fuck everything up. Not to mention police dogs are fucking assholes.
somehow police are better than everyone else. we cut him a break and did all these free on the sly tests. dr. says she doesn't want to be sued by the police dept. whatever. everyone just kisses their ass unless they commit crimes. He was an ass, his dog was an ass, if he were just a regular person he would have been SOL. Fuck him.
taco gun.

Slayer is great because you'll hear what you think is a wailing guitar and it turns out it is the lead singer screaming. Who knew high pitched screams fits well with heavy metal. Plus who can't absolutely love the lyrics.
"Strangulation, mutilation, cancer of the brain
limb dissection, amputation, from a mind deranged
asphyxiation, suffocation, gasping for air
explain to me the feeling after sitting in the chair
sliced incision, zero vision, loss of vital signs
skin contortion, bone erosion, life becomes your fine
necrophobic can't control the paranoia
scared to die"
Goddamn i fucking love heavy metal. When i hear the guitars i just think of a dude in a cemetary on top of a huge pile of skulls wailing on the guitar. FUCK.
i have found my music genre i think.
arobics tape done to heavy metal. advertised for you to lose weight but really you just get a neck cramp from headbanging. you do loose weight after a while because of the nausea.
"Left me incomplete
All alone as the memories still remain
The way we were
The chance to save my soul
And my concern is now in vain
Believe the word
I will unlock my door
And pass the cemetery gates"
I wnat to move down south and learn to drink whiskey for breakfast. big mean and angry. 10 foot rifle.
my grammar is atrocious. i think my spelling is too. don't you just hate the rules though? jesus christ i'm not writing an informative pamphlet, am i on trial here, do i need my laywer?
i was thinking about these alternative universes that someone told me about. elise, lawyer...elise, high school drop out...elise, king's pizza manager...elise, dead...
spin the wheel, spin the wheel, make me rich, make me very rich...
i'm moving very soon. i have nothing done. i'll just wait until i have to move everything to put it in boxes. why be prepared. there's always a chance it's not going to work out anyways. the apartment building could flood. i would have to stay here and unpack all my shit.
i want to work at a hotel. i would be bitter to all the people on vacation. then how could i go on vacation and stay at a hotel? but i bet they give you a discount. i could just live a tthe hotels. get the courtesy van to pick me up. travelling hotel maid. i could put a mint on your pillow if it's an expensive enough room. buy my stuff from the hotel pool dudes who are all models. i'd work in the basement.
anyone play wow?

Glass of ice water with ice. I want to be in a giant human sized basket surrounded with puppies. Oh the slumber I would have! Dreamy sleepy eyes I would have.
Sleepy like purple and cancer.
I am just doing the best i can at this point. The future looks sorta bleak, but maybe i can just wing it.
Do you ever think about suicide just to freak everyone out because you were perfectly normal. And it will be a huge mystery. Ha ha you bastards. You will never know what i was really thinking. THen maybe they will suspect a murder. People involved in some business get murdered. THen suddenly I will have a double life of some sort of freakish nature.
I want to be arranged in my coffin with my middle finger up for the viewing.
Strange nostaligia hitting me when i listen to this cd. Like hope. Like how i missed everything.
THe lyrics are powerful.

"And she runs through her days with a smile on her face
And she runs, and she waits, and I wait

We can drive to anyplace, day or night, across the state
And in the morning, into Mexico, we will wake up

I find a window in the kitchen, and I let myself in
Rummage through the refrigerator, find myself a beer
I can't believe I'm really here, and she's lying in that bed
I can almost feel her touch, and her anxious breath!

I stumble in the hallway, outside the bedroom door
I hear her call out to me, I hear the fear in her voice
She pulls the covers tighter, I press against the door

I will be with her tonight"

The horror sets in, oh yes, we are thick with shit tonight. Shit up to the ceiling.
In love with my computer, computer is like another person here.
Alice is her name. I'm in wonderland allright, but it's more frightning then I imagined. "What do you mean I can't smoke in here?"
I don't really know how to be creative and write thoughts down anymore. I edit alot.
They say you are not supposed to edit but I'm not sure i'm ready for all the shit. It's scary. I'm a pervert. perv. PERV! perv and proud.
I bought new acne wash and i'm really impressed with the results. I don't like to eat as much now that i'm alone. I ate so badly ... lately i just buy veggies and lean pockets. If it's going to continue or not i can't say.
"C'mon baby jesus, I'll fight you right now!"

Crazy pill from nowhere to increase your breast size. bigger, fuller, firmer, like the way; a tumor is. Note to self: do not take a pill that makes a part of me swollen.
All my bones crack like bird bones when i stand up. It is cold like metal in here. I don't even have to wear a bra if i don't want to. Yes i'm still talking about the boob commercial. "Gravity takes place." What an honest statement. Yes, gravity does take place, even on your breasts! Want to feel dsirable? Want to sell your soul to the devil. What to kil kill kill ?
SHow us your teeth. show me.

okay this channel has puppies. they are so cute. puppies!@!!

Don't fight the gravity. You'll get a brain bubble and die. leave it be. we weren't even supposed to live long enough to care about gravity.
It's this kind of thing that makes me want to vomit. vomit? no. it's gas. i don't vomit.
not for years and years.

Shiny, tall, huge,
long pieces of tape like gross arms
reaching out to the fur


no,tv, i don't have discomfort from an itchy rash.
zany. no, it was wacky. WACKY! you know what i'm talking about.

thisck black lung in my throat

how come cars look so cool on tv. they never show a man stuck in traffic all pissed. on long country winding roads, always. Well let me tell you, if you are on a windy long country road you are too tired to give a fuck how fucking cool your bitchass sonofabitching car is. it has a cup holder oh, and a cell phone and a microwave, and heres a place to rest my arm so i can jerk off into my face because i'm so fucking cool.
Everyone knows that girl from kansas or wherever is dead. WE never hear about kuntakinta from africa, or dude from harlem or la, or wherever, people die every day. Oh she was young. oh we all made dumb mistakes like her. We used to party. WEll, when you really think about it, if there is a wheel out there (which there is) every single one of us spun it every time we made a dumb mistake. and you nkow collectively, if we all make bad desicions, every once in a while someone's going to die. But come on. We all know it's because she's young attractive caucasian who probably volunteered or some shit and is going to be a doctor. That's the real reason we are all supposed to be concerned. Because the point is we don't spend days and days covering a story like made everytime someone in the u.s. disappears. in fact, most people don't even get looked for.

ferret bit man
man threw ferret
3 days later
he calls and says his old lady
didn't call the vet
she's lazy.

i want to cut wheat. it's decapitating alot of things at once
head is frozen alone, alone, alone
curling up, then an avalanche
on what day do you finally decide to eat the dead bodies? i'd just like to be prepared.

you have to prepare to eat human flesh. you prepare by
step 1 don't shower
2 rip your clothes
3 talk only in sounds and grunts
4 attack people
now you are a zombie and it's perfectly fine to eat the dead body
anything to survive. scrape the bottom of the barrel, eat the fat. make your veins pulse with the horrible feeling of fullness and anger. fullfilled as you may be, it is never quite enough. we are all still out here thinking.
halitosis of the mind, if is possible. a brain that emits unpleasant vibes. like stink, flies, rats. you just know something isn't right. it's too quiet.
Quay just discovered what the mirror was. She was sitting in the dryer, looking at herself in teh mirror and moving her arm and just watching. it is so cute.

The first preview looks promising. Maybe in a mental home or something, seems there is a lot of drama. Then she has drippy ass sick mascara all over her face. And there’s a guy who is the worst actor in the universe playing a mentally ill person. Drama scary pictures, THEN PENIS!

Now it’s big ass boobs and some sort of phone number going on. The music is terrible.

Another phone thing. This one uses word play, so naturally I like it.

The real film is starting with an anti censorship ad. Oh, there is a warning to use condoms and monogamy as if someone who watches porn even gets laid. The opening song is good, it’s like a surf rock theme with static as the background. They use a crazy font too. So far, so good. Ok, woman wearing a face mask and curlers. SLEEPING WITH A STUFFED ANIMAL! and her husband too.

Western movie on TV! The bartender is wearing a vest 100 sizes too small for him. There’s this guy playing cards and he actually pulled a card out from his girl’s garter and the other dude didn’t notice. His name is White Willy. There’s a standoff between Billy Ray Cyrus and Clint Black. Now there is two blowjobs from one girl, so obviously there’s no fight. One of the guys has really nice chaps on. They look like real leather. They are tan. He actually said, “That’s it!” like he was teaching someone to drive!!! The other guy is wearing the dumbest shirt. Slow motion balls. The guy has dirt under his fingernails and now is wearing nothing but a (OH MY GOD THAT GUY HAD NO HAIR!) white bandana. They chose a red colored condom, good choice. No music at all, what a bummer.

The face mask chick changes the channel. IT”S AN OLD ASIAN MAN WITH A FU MANCHU! He is instructing this white dude with an earring and a goatee how to fight with some sort of asian pole. This dude is so white, he is wearing a 3 foot fake braid with some sort of baseball hat without a brim. He is practicing fighting on this kind of asian girl with white gloppy foundation on her face. Enemy approaches from a nearby smoking bush. “prepare to die.” Oh my god, they are bitch slapping each other. Now this guy just pretends to rip out the other guy’s heart with no special effects or blood or even a fake heart. Just holding his fingers out and making a noise killed the other guy. The old asian guy just gave his daughter to him for winning and leaves. The music is very old fashion asian. He has huge man boobs, sick! Her make up looks like a 5 year old did it. How do they get their legs like that, seriously. Her neck is looking all red and chewed up like a vulture right now.

Back to the face woman. HAS FAKE EYELASHES ON WITH THE FACE MASK. A SHITTY PTERIDACTYL HANGING ON STRINGS TRYING TO FIGHT A CAVE MAN AND A WOMAN. It is possibly the shittiest thing I have ever seen. They look so fucking dirty. The guy’s hair is in sick dreadlocks and matted down. The woman looks like greasy ass ramen noodles. They are both dirty all over. And then she actually gagged. THEY ARE WEARING FUR AROUND THEIR SHOES. And matching fur outfits. The music is very good techno, honestly. They are naked and so motherfucking dirty! They are not getting out of their personas during the act, they are actually grunting like Neanderthals. She is wearing a tiny fake bone in her hair. It’s just like watching two dirty ass scrubs have sex. Take a fucking shower and wash your fucking fur ass blanket. Only after the second and final blowjob did the pterodactyl come back.

Channel change, to a girl hiking in a mini skirt and 7 inch platform shoes. She’s starting to scream before the guy comes out with a chainsaw to get her. I think he’s supposed to be a psychotic clown and I really hope this isn’t going ANYWHERE. The clown is the slowest runner in history besides Herbie. 5 Year olds on tricycles could run both their asses down. She even had time to take off her shoes and still he didn’t get her. She found a cabin, good thing there is a guy with a penis here!!!! Even though he is old and his bed is right by the front door. Oh, I am so relieved when someone gets oral sex after being chased by a man with a chainsaw. That is exactly what you need to keep on living at that point. Oddly placed mole on the dude’s face and weird synth music.

A group of business people walking from a meeting (i presume) on Western Campus:
"That was a great snow job"