Anger is surging through me, I can't help it. I've been treated like a child, a child who can't think for herself. Your concerns pound through my head, like a drum. Every beat crashes, intensifying these feelings of frustration that I have in my heart. The beat increases, it's now pulsing through my veins, And I want to cry out.
Hypocritical words unravel from your mouth, Gnarling... Straight from the tongue that entwines itself with mine. Like a green snake of jealousy, it hisses, And taunts my ears with its tainted words. And annoyance grinds my teeth.
Despite this, I still hold you high above all others. And it pains me to feel this way, Pain, like a spear straight through the heart, Because I do care. And it cuts so deeply that it hurts whenever you have to leave me. Just sitting there, Left to try and make sense of what just happened.
If we got our act together The drumming and grinding would cease... And the snake would be shot.
I'm upset because I had another practice driving test and I completely messed up again. Normally, I have no problems with my driving, and I was alright driving to the test route that the examiner will take me though in my real test, but once I'm in that test situation my nerves take over - my mind goes blank and I make stupid errors... It's like all my knowledge of driving flies out of the electric window.
I'm really fed up about it, I know there are people who care about me and have full confidence in my abilities, but my nerves just seem to conquer all - for example, when I was asked to perform the 'parallel park' manuvoer, my mind became muddled and it's like twenty different things were shooting through my mind all at once, stopping me from focusing on what I was asked to do, and leaving me confused and disappointed with myself. "Now do I turn the wheel clockwise or anti-clockwise, in order to reverse into the left? What if I hit the curb? Have I checked to make sure the road is clear enough times? Oh! What if I get this wrong?" -- And at that point it usually does go wrong. I could do the 'parallel park', under normal conditions, perfectly, then be asked to do it in a practice test 5 minutes later and mess up.
My instructor knows I'm capable, but during the tests, he has to get into the role of the big scary examiner and isn't allowed to chat to me or help out if I get stuck (unless I put myself in danger, of course), something I'm not used to, since I feel there's a great rapport going on between us. It's like for that 45 minutes he undergoes a complete transformation - he becomes a stony, serious stranger.
I also can't get over how much I swore during the test, in front of him. It seems that when I'm frustrated and things are going wrong, my mouth runs wild like a potty-mouthed fish wife. I apologised and he said "Don't be daft, I'd rather you let it all out!". I noticed he was grinning actually, maybe I don't really have the voice for swearing?
After the test was over and he'd asked me to park up, he said "It's nerves isn't it... I could tell just by watching you drive." At least he understands, that's the one good thing.
A: Alan Rickman fan. B: 'Beauty and the Beast'. My favourite piece to play on the piano. C: Confidence. Something I need more of. D: Daft. I'm a bit stupid at times. E: Emetophobic and excitable - I get over-excited about anything I love, and can get stupid. F: Fantasist. G: 'Gone With The Wind'. My favourite film of all time. H: Horse Riding. Giddy yup! I: iPod. Couldn't function without mine. J: Job. I need one where I'm paid. K: Kisses. L: 'Lozzles' and 'Lozenge'. Nicknames I put up with. Begrudgingly. M: Music. I can't get through the day without music. I need it in the background to do my normal stuff, and I love to sing along when I can. N: Nineteen years young. Well, soon! O: Obsessed. With lots of stuff. P: PIANO. Q: Quiet. R: Rocky Horror Show and romance. Something I think there's not enough of sometimes. S: Self belief. I need more of it. T: Tea addict and tortoise. I want one, I'd call him Richard. U: University of Chichester. V: Vegetarian. W: Wish. I wish for a lot of things. X: Xylophone??? Y: Yawn... I'm permanently tired nowadays. Z: Zzzzzz. I like my sleep.
Haha, hello LJ. I only ever seem to update when I'm annoyed at something. :P
My piano was put in the lounge where the TV is, and I knew from the beginning that it would cause riffs in our "family relationship", and I was right, it has. It's come to the point where I have to negotiate when I can and cannot practice, and even then I have to use the practice pedal, and even then I still get Mum tutting or saying, "Play that other piece I like!" which isn't helpful when I'm trying to learn a new piece. :/ I asked for the piano to be moved to my bedroom but that request was not granted.
Yes Mum, I know when I'm learning a new piece it sounds pretty awful at first, but how can I improve when my practice time is restricted? And when I do play something and it sounds good ("Beauty and the Beast", for example) you don't complain then, do you?
It's a real tricky situation because when I do get a real "urge" to play and feel like giving it my all, more often than not I'm not allowed to play. My piano teacher says I'll just to be a martyr, and too right, that's exactly what I am - it's just not convenient. :(
As much as I adore my acoustic upright piano, it's times like these where I really miss my old digital piano - it had headphones, volume control - so nobody was disturbed or complained - I could play until the cows came home. I wanted the real thing though, because it would, and has, helped improve my technique, my appreciation for music and of course, it sounds grrreat!
At 3 am last night, when I couldn't sleep, I thought to myself "Well, I'm losing sleep now, but no worries because I have nothing planned for tomorrow and I can have a long lie in."
Wrong.
At 9 am I got woken up abruptly by the telephone. Mum answered it and as soon as I heard her say, "Oh, hello Valerie." I knew why she was phoning and all that was going through my head was "Shit. Shit. Shit." Valerie is the assistant manageress at the Scope charity shop, where I volunteer, and she was ringing to enquire if I was available to work at the shop today - 12 til 4 - because John, another volunteer, was supposed to be in today, but his Mum rang to say he's got a stomach bug. o.O I'm not normally a bad tempered person, but when Mum came into my room to tell me, I was really cranky. Things weren't going as I'd planned - I wasn't getting the long lie in I desperately needed, and now I was being called upon to come into the shop at the last minute. I wouldn't normally mind when this happens, but the thing is, when I was working there on Wednesday, Valerie had asked me whether I would mind working on Saturday because John wanted the day off. I said okay, that's fine, I'll do Saturday, no problem. Then she had asked me about working Friday (today) and I had made a point of asking if I could keep Friday free, since I have worked Monday, Wednesday, and now I'll be working Saturday too. Honesty is the best policy, right? Valerie said she understood and said that that was fine, and that I do enough for the shop anyway. I layed there and battled with my conscience for a bit, but in the end I rang her back and told her that I couldn't work today, that one of my friends has just come back home from university and I had arranged to see her, since I hadn't seen her since October. Yes, I know I lied, but to be honest, I'm too tired to care and I don't feel I can go back to bed because now I've been up and about for too long. :(
Something tragic happened yesterday... My faithful laptop, of three years, decided to die - hard drive completely knackered. It was fine on Friday, but on Saturday evening it started making this horrible grinding noise - reminiscent of a revving motorbike. Then yesterday it gave up the ghost completely = one Internetless, devastated Laura. Luckily, Dad put the Internet on his very old Windows 98, which is why I'm sitting here now, typing to you, though I don't know whether it is good luck - to put it mildly, this computer is no spring chicken - Pentium III, 450 Mhz. It certainly wouldn't be able to run the London Marathon, it would collapse and have a heart attack after the first 100 yards, put it that way. It is the old age pensioner of computers. And boy, do I know about it! It took me five minutes just to load something up in Microsoft Word! It also has an annoying, neurotic habit of flashing several bright colours in quick succession - Turquoise, Yellow, Red - because the monitor lead is a bit fecked and tetchy. So not only is this computer so slow that it's bringing on my premature death, (cause of death: frustration and boredom) it's also trying to blind me as well. But now the good news...
On the 21st of December I'll be the owner of a brand new Dell Inspiron 9400 laptop! :D I can't be bothered to type out all its specs and accessories but it: * Has a Intel Dual Core 2 Processor - 1.83 Ghz * 667 Mhz * It has a 120 GB hard drive * It has 1024 MB memory * It has a DVD Re-Writer * It is the Windows XP Media Center 2005 edition * It has a 17" widescreen - LCD Ultrasharp display * A 256 MB ATI Mobility RADEON X1400 HyperMemory graphics card * Internal wireless Internet And other things like Microsoft Works 8.5, McAfee security center, Adobe Reader 7.0.8...
Not a bad deal for £774.00 - I mean, it'll suit my purpose perfectly. I'm not an avid PC gamer, after all.
I was greeted with my GWTW novel when I came from work yesterday (hip hip hooray! :D) and before I started reading it properly, I skimmed through the pages and found one of my favourite scenes, from the film and now, the book.
Just reading that fills me up with warmth - mainly because of the words used to describe Rhett: "Without a word he picked her up in his arms like a child and held her close, his hard muscles comforting, his wordless murmuring soothing..."
So far I've read upto to the end of chapter one, and I'm loving every line of it so far. There's so much imagery packed into one page, and it really "colours" the film for me - you know when you watch a film, all the imagery is already given to you on screen? Well, reading the book makes me think up my own imagery - the settings, what the characters look and sound like (with the exception of Scarlett and Rhett - they're still Vivien Leigh and Clark Gable) and I love that.
I've just come back from work (Scope charity shop) and I feel so infuriated!
Customer #1 (a foreigner, incidentally): He asked me how much this Ricky Martin DVD cost, so I went and asked my manager, Carol, and she said it was £3.00.
Customer #1 - "Three pounds? But it's the concert one..." Me - "Well, it's three pounds."
So he puts it back. Fine, no problem, it's no skin off my nose.
About 30 minutes later another customer came into the shop, also a foreigner, but this time it was a woman interested in a set of BRAND NEW wooden kitchen utensils. It was her that REALLY made my blood boil - she asked how much the utensils were and I asked Carol again and she said they were £3.00. I told the customer that the utensils were £3.00 and this was her response:
Customer #2 - "Stupid price for a charity shop!"
... I just felt like screaming "PISS OFF THEN!", but I just smiled at her and she went away. It just makes me so angry. Yeah we are a charity shop, but trying to get a lower price, or complaining about a price, in a charity shop is a really shitty thing to do. Actually, Ma'am, we do have a good cause to raise money for - people with Cerebral Palsy - and by complaining about £3.00 for a brand new set of kitchen utensils, (which is a more than a fair price, if you ask me) you're basically undermining everything we're trying to work towards. I don't know how charity shops work in Bombay, or wherever you're from, but we have morals here. I mean, if you don't like the price, don't buy it - but DON'T bitch about the price right in the middle of the shop, especially in front of me, (I have Cerebral Palsy).
He doesn't seem like his usual self at all - usually he's charging around in the garden, chasing the chickens, playing with his cat toys, terrorising my other cats, he's chatty (he often meows when you talk to him)... But these past few days, he's been the complete opposite and it's really troubling me. All he's been doing is sitting on his own in a corner of the landing, or on my bed, sleeping and/or generally just being very quiet.
He won't even purr when I make a fuss of him and usually he loves that - especially when you pet him behind his ears, but no, nothing. :\ I don't know whether he's being like that just because it's winter and it's starting to get cold, or whether he's depressed, (can cats even get depressed?) or whether he's sickening for something. It just doesn't seem like normal behaviour for him at all. I'm not even sure if he's eating properly... Maybe he isn't eating at all.
Jasper is my everything, and I'm not saying that just because I'm a cat lover - he really is - there's something special about him. I've never known another cat with the personality that he has. I love him to bits and we seem to have this bond that I've never had with an animal before. Since the day I first clapped eyes on him, we've been inseparable - he's like a dog in cat form. He follows me around the house, comes when I call or even whistle him, we play fetch together, he lies next to me in bed, he even "grooms" (licks) my hands and face! I remember the first night we had him - I had him in my room and he was curled up, fast asleep on my pillow. The next morning he woke me up by purring loudly and licking my fingers. :D Honestly, how many kittens do that on their first morning in their new home? It was amazing.
I really hope he goes back to his normal self soon. Even my Mum is a bit worried - and she's pretty level-headed and relaxed about these sort of things.
cranky
optimistic
awake
okay
worried