薛洋 (Xue Yang) (
bringingdowndisaster) wrote in
lastvoyageslogs2023-04-19 01:01 pm
Entry tags:
Lost and found memories [flood log]
Who: Xue Yang and memory recipients + anyone else who wants to talk to XY
What: Memento Youri flood
Where: Around the ship
When: During the flood
Warnings: None right now, but since Xue Yang's memories contain themes of child abuse, starvation, underage prostitution, murder, suicide, violence, etc... those subjects will certainly come up!
Something is definitely wrong.
Some of the memories bouncing around in his hand are not his own. They can't be. It's strange, because he can feel the emotions from them, the impact, as if it really had happened to him, but there are inconsistencies that he can't ignore. In some he's being called a name that isn't his own, or he's in an environment that is completely alien to him, or he's doing or saying something he never would.
But what had really convinced him is the one where he's blind. Where he can hear Xiao Xingchen's voice coming from his own lips. Like they had switched places. He can feel all of Xiao Xingchen's emotions, and it's... harrowing. Agonizing. He'd caused that. All that pain. He'd known that of course, but it's another thing entirely to feel it.
He's also certain that he's lost some memories too. In Xiao Xingchen's memory there was talk of a massacre that he has no recollection of. The story of how he'd lost his pinky finger sounds alien to him as well. He can't remember at all how he'd lost it.
Not knowing how to deal with all of this, but knowing that he at least has to talk to Xiao Xingchen, he will first find his way to the cabins on floor 3 in hopes of bumping into him.
Later he can be found out on the deck, staring into the endless sky. He will also make a visit to the library in an attempt to find any literature on memory loss and gaining the memories of other people. And crazy memory sharing or not, he still needs to eat so he will visit the dining hall around dinner time.
In the evening, he will retire back to his cabin on floor 6.
What: Memento Youri flood
Where: Around the ship
When: During the flood
Warnings: None right now, but since Xue Yang's memories contain themes of child abuse, starvation, underage prostitution, murder, suicide, violence, etc... those subjects will certainly come up!
Something is definitely wrong.
Some of the memories bouncing around in his hand are not his own. They can't be. It's strange, because he can feel the emotions from them, the impact, as if it really had happened to him, but there are inconsistencies that he can't ignore. In some he's being called a name that isn't his own, or he's in an environment that is completely alien to him, or he's doing or saying something he never would.
But what had really convinced him is the one where he's blind. Where he can hear Xiao Xingchen's voice coming from his own lips. Like they had switched places. He can feel all of Xiao Xingchen's emotions, and it's... harrowing. Agonizing. He'd caused that. All that pain. He'd known that of course, but it's another thing entirely to feel it.
He's also certain that he's lost some memories too. In Xiao Xingchen's memory there was talk of a massacre that he has no recollection of. The story of how he'd lost his pinky finger sounds alien to him as well. He can't remember at all how he'd lost it.
Not knowing how to deal with all of this, but knowing that he at least has to talk to Xiao Xingchen, he will first find his way to the cabins on floor 3 in hopes of bumping into him.
Later he can be found out on the deck, staring into the endless sky. He will also make a visit to the library in an attempt to find any literature on memory loss and gaining the memories of other people. And crazy memory sharing or not, he still needs to eat so he will visit the dining hall around dinner time.
In the evening, he will retire back to his cabin on floor 6.

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These new memories clash and refuse to mix with the ones made in Banbridge, those smiling, older sisters doting on him and happy school days mixing with loneliness and desperation like oil and water.
He doesn’t make it to his cabin before he comes across Xue Yang, looking more desperate and agonized than he’d ever seen another human being. It startles him, makes him feel bile rise to his throat.
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The last encounter he'd had with Xiao Xingchen. This man had been there... and, he has another one of Xingchen's memories. From the Barge. While he's blind in that memory too, he knows that the man he'd heard speaking in that memory has to be this one. "Francis", Xingchen had called him.
He doesn't want to think about that memory too much. It makes him feel some infuriating mixture of jealousy and... fondness. He knows that the latter is coming from Xingchen, and he hates knowing that he's feeling that way for someone else.
And yet the name slips out. "Francis," he says, tired and pained. He can't muster any anger. His emotions are mixing with Xiao Xingchen's and it's overwhelming.
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"Xue Yang," he mutters. He looks like he's about to crumble on the spot, so much so that he extends his hand to him without thinking.
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"You need to sit," he says firmly, looking towards the common room. "This way now."
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cw: sexual assault of a minor
Re: cw: sexual assault of a minor
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But he doesn't think he's lost any recent memories, so his response to seeing Xue Yang on on the third floor is almost automatic.
"Hello, Xue Yang." His smile is as real as ever, even if he's stepping around uncertain ground in his mind.
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He startles a little at the greeting, too lost in his own head to pay attention to much of anything else. "Oh. Xie Lian," he says, his voice heavy with exhaustion and pain.
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So it's no accident that puts him on the deck, jaw set. He's less gaunt and pale these days, because there's someone to make him eat and rest. He's even finally had to replace the bloodstained old robe he was clinging to as a sort of combination comfort and penance, because someone covered it in broken glass and red wine, and it didn't survive the cleaning. He looks altogether less like a ghost than he did last time they met.
But he also looks tense, stern, and deeply uncomfortable. He'd rather eat broken glass than seek this out. But the admiral's left him no choice.
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"Xiao Xingchen," he says softly. There is still so much yearning in him, especially as he's started to understand his own feelings for him a little better, but the guilt is definitely the strongest now. "I'm sorry." The words come out in a low, but painfully earnest voice.
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He's not here to look for an apology, but finding one is a pleasant surprise. His lips thin and he turns his head more sharply than he means to, tossing his hair with the motion. One deep breath and he finds his voice. "We need to fix this. That's all."
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"Yeah," he says, already feeling tears sting in his eyes. "I assume you have some of my memories then."
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But he can't, in fact, recall exactly what ridiculous nonsense tumbled out of his mouth right before he died, right when everything ended. He remembers telling the story, more than once, and that was like having teeth pulled, too. He has a rough outline of what he told Xie Lian, what he told Francis, but not the moment itself, so all he's sure of is the fact of the matter, that he learned the truth, lost a struggle, was met by what was left of his sworn brother, and shattered his soul.
And it feels like someone else's nightmare, distant and indistinct, and yet it's the moment that's driven him since he arrived here. He's lost and brittle without it.
"A lot to do with my own sorry corpse. It's disconcerting," he finally says, stiff and in no way in the spirit of sharing.
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Deck
He also noticeably stiffened when the younger man approached.
Almost as if the approach of the young man brought forth the memories that used to belong to him, the bloody scene of the Chang clan massacre flitted across the edge of his consciousness like a temptress trying to catch his attention. Unbidden the feelings of elation that accompanied it brought a strange smile to Qiling's lips, before his expression quickly closed down and he had to concentrate to not ensnared by those thoughts.
He couldn't stay silent at that. "Your revenge only resulted in the loss of many lives."
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So, he approaches, though he keeps a bit of a distance. He can't help but to feel like he's being judged. "...What did you see?" he asks warily.
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"The annihilation of a clan in their family home... And feeling accomplished for it." A complicated expression showed on Qiling's face of his own disapproval, yet softened by the intense joy that still echoed in the depths of his memories.
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"I remember," he says, "My biggest accomplishment." He chuckles to himself, but it lacks much in the way of humor - or malice. It's strange. He doesn't regret it exactly, but it doesn't feel as good as it once had. Or as justified. Probably because he doesn't have the memory of why he'd felt they deserved it.
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"Petty."
There was no better word to describe that behavior, and his disapproval leaned towards disgust this time.
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His anxiety has certainly heightened since Guanyin Temple. He paces through his room, hating the reminders of his Jin heritage and yet...needing them.
This is who I am.
Separating himself from Xue Yang's memories becomes an added difficulty. They share so many similarities! He begins to wonder where the line exists - if it exists at all. A laugh leaves him suddenly, the sound broken, and he hunts the other man down.
"Are you me, Chengmei? Am I you?"
cw: def child abuse talk in here
It still doesn't fit.
He takes a moment to study his back, where many long and deep scars run across it, and he considers the gap in his memories. He does recall talking to Azul about them... The look on the staff member's face as they drew back the whip, the way Jamil had tensed in anticipation, and then-
... it's... as though someone sliced that entire moment from his mind. Remembering talking about something he can't recall happening is a bit uncanny. Especially given the physical evidence.
So, he begins seeking the only person he knows is missing a finger. Idly, he rubs at the relevant hand, his mind buzzing with so many thoughts and questions. Hopefully, it won't be too difficult to find that man.
Re: cw: def child abuse talk in here
He is frustrated to not remember his lost finger though. That one really sticks out as missing, because he knows the story - can remember telling it to Xiao Xingchen, but it feels like hearing someone else's retelling of a horrible event. And yet, of course, the evidence is right there.
Lost in his thoughts, he's not paying attention to where he's walking and ends up bumping right into someone as he rounds a corner in the corridor, on his way back to his cabin. He stumbles back, though at least his balance has become a little better as he's getting used to only having one arm, so he doesn't fall. He's still a little annoyed. "Watch it!"
Re: cw: def child abuse talk in here
Jamil starts, an agitated look matching his voice before it sinks in; that's the very person he'd been looking for! He lets out a soft sound of frustration, shaking his head. Working through this will require working with the person, won't it? He folds his arms over his chest before lifting a hand and wiggling his pinky finger a bit.
"Missing anything?"
Re: cw: def child abuse talk in here
"So you're the one with that memory," he says flatly.