[ Valentino lounged across the edge of his fake fur-coated bed like he was too glamorous to be sitting on something so cheap. One long leg draped over the side, fur collar ruffled all wrong, cigarette dangling between lacquered claws while smoke curled lazily through the dim little cell. Neon lights cast pink and blue against the concrete walls, making the whole place look more like a sleazy club than a cell. ]

Third one. Third fuckin Warden.

[ He scoffed sharply, muttering a few curses in Spanish under his breath while his wings twitched behind him. He threw two sets of hands up in frustration, glaring toward the ceiling, sighing dramatically and whining out some almost cute little chirps, full annoyed moth-mode activated! ]

Y'know how exhausting that is? Every goddamn time I start gettin comfortable, they switch me out! like I'm some kinda problem inmate. Okay, I am a problem inmate, but still. Rude.

[ Valentino dragged hard from the cigarette before pointing it accusingly toward the camera, smoke spilling from his mouth as he spoke, all pretty and pink as it formed little cloudy hearts. ]

The first one was some mermaid lesbian? I think? Sweet enough, I guess, but babe, she was too wet. Constantly smelled like damp skin and judgment. We clearly wouldn't mesh. I mean, I hate water. Ew.

[ He grimaced dramatically, antennae flicking back. ]

And the second one was basically fuckin child coded. Too smart, too polite. Creepy combination, honestly. Kept using logic and "healthy communication" like that was supposed to do something to me. Hated that. Every time I said something fun, they'd stare at me like they were mentally takin notes for some psych evaluation.

[ His claws flexed around the cigarette before he leaned back harder against the wall with an aggravated sigh. ]

And now I gotta break in a third? Seriously? Do you know how much effort it takes gettin people trained right? Everybody's so damn sensitive. One little threat, one tiny manipulation tactic, suddenly HR's involved.

[ He rolled his eyes dramatically. ]

Does nobody appreciate charisma anymore, Karen?

[ Smoke drifted from between his sharp teeth while he stared up at the ceiling lights. ]

I just want one Warden who gets me. Is that too much to ask? Somebody competent. Somebody hot wouldn't hurt. But nooo, they keep yankin 'em away before things settle.

[ His claws tapped rapidly against his arm, agitation bleeding into every movement before he mocked the expression every new Warden apparently gives him. ]

And every single one comes in with that same look. "I'm not intimidated by you, Valentino." Please~ Give it another week, sweetheart. They always start out confident. Then they realise I'm in their head twenty-four seven. And like! This place already stinks of bleach and despair. I shouldn't also have to deal with inconsistency. There should be standards. Stability. Customer loyalty! What kinda operation are they runnin here?

[ Standing and pacing his cell, he paused mid-step, eyes narrowing thoughtfully before snapping his fingers. ]

Actually— y'know what? They should do this shit like speed dating!

[ Valentino pointed dramatically toward the camera like he'd just solved the entire system here. ]

No, seriously, hear me out. Line all the Wardens up on little tables. Five minutes tops each! We vibe, we chat, maybe there's chemistry, maybe there's tension? Everybody wins. Figure out compatibility before you chain me to somebody for weeks on end. Saves everybody time, saves me emotional distress, saves them from havin a breakdown three days in.

[ A sharp, sleazy grin spread slowly across his face as he leaned closer toward the camera. ]

And if any Wardens are watchin this right now... come spend five minutes with me, sweetheart. Test the waters. See if you can handle it.

[ He paused just long enough for the grin to sharpen. ]

Most can't.

[ A quiet laugh slipped out of him before he rolled his eyes and flopped back onto the bed dramatically, one arm thrown over his face for a moment. ]

But seriously, how the fuck am I supposed to get redeemed like this? That's the whole point, right? Self-improvement? Emotional growth? Healing journey? Whatever inspirational bullshit they keep preachin. How'm I supposed to build trust with somebody when they keep switchin Wardens faster than I change underwear? Which is frequently, by the way. If I'm even wearing any in the first place, baby.

[ He waved the cigarette vaguely through the air, ash fluttering onto the floor, another aggravated sigh escaped him as he rubbed a hand down his face, expression twisting briefly with genuine irritation. ]

I'm tryin here... Kinda.

[ The admission sounded painful coming out of him. ]

But every time somebody starts understandin me even a little, they disappear and I gotta start over with another uptight babysitter lookin at me like I'm fuckin radioactive. That's discouraging, babe. Makes a guy wonder why he's even botherin.