Better Off Red

So, I was on TRL, and Vanessa the VJ was totally making fun of my voice! I mean, I thought my voice was seriously sexy, all raspy and what not!

I mean, should I be looking for another way to talk? SHould I be more of a baby voice? Seriously, it's not enough that I fell and hurt my ankle and then she goes and pokes at it, she has to like, MOCK ME?? What's up with that, VANESSA??

So, I was talking about change and I decided that my hair has probably had enough for now, maybe I should wait till next week to change it again, but still colors are fun fun fun and I totally need something to do with myself because I spoke to Nicole and to my agent and they both said that I probably shouldn't learn to sail because coke doesn't travel so well on a sailboat I get sea-sick and anyway I've got all this energy which ROCKS, seriously, I'm like bouncing off the walls so I'm going to redecorate my kitchen!

I think I need to do something with the room ANYWAY, because I'm not using it as much as I should and what better way to make sure I have tons, seriously TONS of way cool, like GROWN UP parties where people, like, come and hang out and TALK about ISSUES and apparently I should have opinions on things, Meryl SAID so, so I need to have a kitchen where people can come and talk so redecorating is SERIOUSLY AWESOME.

So I called the paint store and I was like "Look, I need some PAINT, like NOW" and they were like "LADY, we're CLOSED" and I was SERIOUSLY bummed because I have all this ENERGY and I want to PAINT, or at least pick COLORS so that someone else can paint and maybe I should just call Nicole?

Or, no, she's out with Adam but going out would be fun and if I wear something AWESOME I can see how it'll look in the photos and if it works with my skin tone and then I'll know how to pick a COLOR and so. I'M GOING OUT.

First I'ma call NORMAN. I LOVE NORMAN. BRING MOMMA SOME SUGAR, NORMAN!!!

Seriously, Jorge, my personal trainer, is INSANE. I have decided I HATE the man and seriously, I"m going to call Nicole RIGHT NOW and tell her not to use him any more.

No, really, I'm going to call her RIGHT NOW.




Ok. So Nicole isn't picking up her phone, but that's because she's at her nutritionist's today, and she told me that she has to be left ALL ALONE while she's doing that, like, no interruptions. She told me like three times I couldn't call her while she's at her nutritionist's and I was like "NICOLE! I can MEMORIZE LINES. I was in MEAN GIRLS. I am one of the HOTTEST ACTORS OF MY GENERAtION. I can remember this."

Which seriously does not make me look good that I didn't.


But Jorge? The man is INSANE. He says that I need to do more than just go out dancing and walking to Starbucks with Nicole (where is she??) in order to stay in shape and he ALSO says that YES, Melinda my hairdresser is right and I should KEEP the red hair and I'm all, "YEAH, it's like, SASSY and whatevs, but CHANGE in GOOD and since I'm seriously like, one of the hardest working people I know, I think I need a little change" and then HE started to LAUGH at me and said something about spoiled...something? Like, meat or broccoli? Ew, I hope he doesn't have bad food in his fridge at his gym. I'm SERIOUSLY never going back to him.

Ok, WHERE IS NICOLE???? I need to talk to her and I think I left my blockbuster card at her place after the Johhny Depp night (and yes, the 'sugar' was awesome, shout out to Norman, you are the man, Norman.) and Johnny Depp doesn't know it yet but I'm TOTALLY going to be in a movie with him, my new guy used to date Kiera and he said that she said that Johnny is like toally awesome to work with not that I didn't know that from like, watching him and reading stuff about him.

Maybe Orlando Bloom could introduce me? I bet I could get a meeting with him -- I think some of those hobbits like, party with Paris -- oh no! I forgot! Paris hates me now, because I danced with her ex and seriously, I didn't think she'd care, she can't have ALL the Greeks, she has to leave some for us!!

Where is Nicole?

I can't even believe it: this is so incredibly annoying!

Like I would stoop to some sort of cat-fight with some chick named Alina! Sure, a confrontation in a bar is one thing: when I'm out on the town, I like to let things go, you know? Just let my hair down and relaaaaaax. My yoga teacher says that I've just got so much energy built up that I need to find better ways of releasing it. I think dancing is a great way to just let it all go...until, of course, some of those other girls decide to start something!

I didn't lie down and take it when Hilary was all ridiculous, I'm not gonna take it now. That's what I like so much about hanging with Nicole is so awesome: neither of us want to let people walk all over us. And speaking of Nicole, we're going to go shopping in like two minutes, so I'm going to let all you people go. I'm thinking after that annoying Alina bull, I need some down time. Maybe we'll do that Johnny Depp retrospective -- some 21 Jump Street, some POTC, some Fear and Loathing...and then we'll go get us some 'sugar'. I mean, it's a Johnny Depp night, right? RIGHT.

Wow! I'm so pleased with myself! I'm like, starting to get introspective.

I think it's really important, as an artist, with a craft, like me, that I find a place to really think about how I live my life. Plus, if I don't write down the thigns that I do and how they happen to me, who's going to get to write my totally killer bio when i'm like, venerable and shit: me, or some ghostwriting asshole who thinks that just because I have a career where I have to LOOK the PART it means that I'm like, some ANOREXIC BIMBO, HELLO MISCHA, I'M LOOKING AT YOU.

So yeah, i'm thinking I'll be keeping all my pals up to date on like, what i'm up to and where to find me. I KNOW this will be a good tool to have -- Meryl didn't get to be all KNOWN by just being some dumb bimbo.