Ahoy there mateys,
I didn't even get to finish that last entry, see? I warn people how awful I am at keeping diaries and such, because I either forget or am overwhelmed by what I wanna write, and end up all at sixes and sevens. Right, where to begin..?
Currently I'm rediscovering Midtown, mainly because I thought I'd still fancy him, and I was right, he is still a bit buff (I hate that my mannerisms and my wittiness - yes, thats a word - don't translate over the internet). It's Friday, so I've officially finished my first week at my new job at TKMaxx, it's a bit shit, but it's better than a slap in the face, I just hope I last 'cause I'm useless at consistency. Nothing apart from that is new in my existence (writing life implies I have one) I want to start college but typical me, might be too late, Beauty Therapy is my desired subject, but things are running smoother than usual so I'm summink ugly bound to rear it's head. There's too much I wanna say and too many ways I wanna say it. The weekends gonna be a dud because I'm borassic lint and none of me stuff I've ordered has arrived yet, so I ain't got any of my usual provisions (such as an essential supply of Palmer's Cocoa Butter and other useless products that I'm conned into buying) but let's face it, I go occasionally and never end up enjoying it anyway, I'm far too analytical for that.
Big Brother 11 finished (the final one) I watched the majority of it, and I'm chuffed Josie won, I see a lot of myself in her, although it's cheesy to say, but if it's genuine, watching her and John James was really... nice? That's not the word I wanted to use but I'm not articulate when I feel like I've got a gun against me head. Blimey tonight feels like 5 years ago and 'Get It Together' is making me feel all funny. It's all a cover up anyway, all this frivilous natter but I don't know why, I don't, I really don't and haven't for a while now, but still, it still sits at the back of my brain, unnerving me, and I can't quite put my finger on what it is, and I if I knew for sure, I'd definitely be crushed. Only me and I think one other person will know what all that jargon means up there, I think I just miss the feeling because I never have felt it before (no, not love, this ain't some Jennifer Aniston film) but I know I don't because of my venomous nature, I can't, I am impossible and unlikeable, and don't know what to do with female attention let alone anything else, and I use to mask it, I use to be hateful to cover it, but now, I revel in it, the independence is really quite enlightening but at the same time scary because it makes me critical, unnecessarily so a lot of the time. Bleedin nora, this has turned into some sort of neurological blimmin autobiography! Oh well, all's well that ends well, eh? 'Cept it didn't!
Anywho, heartbreak is for people who have hearts! Well.. dunno what I'm doing with meself this weekend, and now I have the sudden urgency to write about what's happening in other people lives, women, eh? Went down 'ol Oxford Street on Thursday after work with me mucker Jimothy 'cause American Apparel called him in for an interview, didn't look about though 'cause it was chucking it down, Jim bought me some blouse, but got home and changed me mind, a bit too 70's for my liking. Will take it back soon, I'm sure. Wanna go down Brighton for some Soul Weekender but I don't have the funds, and I quite frankly can't be arsed to get all dolled up, waste of a weekend really, shoulda stayed at work. Still can't drive, and am desperately trying to get me MOT sorted so mum can start teaching me, so all that moolah that was spent on lessons don't go to the dogs. It's all cluttered up in my noggin just like my loft, it's all needs to just fall out, since I fell out with Roch, and Chars away, I just don't really have anyone to talk to, I don't think they take me seriously anyway, I think they think I'm trying to push things that just don't happen for people like me. I am a bit of a sorry joke, I know it, it's not easy knowing, but it alters the way people think about you if you're a soft touch. Life is so draining sometimes, it puts a lump in my throat, trouble is.. I don't know what more I want. Mates? Not particularly, just complicates things, people want mates because people think you should have because everyone else wants them because others have, you know? (You don't). Boyfriend/Girlfriend? Nah, haven't even thought about it, I did contemplate it once, for a short period of time but I soon snapped out of it. None of that, I know what is for me now. Work? Now I have a job, I'm terrified of losing it, it's pathetic really. Car? The only thing I lust after is a decent car, it's the only thing that would make me confident, to hide behind that glass but still be looked at everywhere I go, perfect.. just perfect.
I'm at my wits end and so lost. I don't know whether I'm coming or going, it's time like these when you need some nostalgic decent pop punk Well I'm going to waste what it is that people live for: The weekend. I just want to sleep forever sometimes.
Just need to write this down here to remind meself of summink I must do: eBay - blue suit
