Today Emily died. She was my first cat that I got myself. I had her for almost 18 years. She was loud, she woke up the kids, she had sharp claws that got stuck in everything and she had little pink patches in her fur. I love her very very much. I am going to miss her forever. I will remember her though in all the annoying and wonderful things that she did. She was and is still my friend. Rest in peace Emily cat. I love you.
I;ve been playing Minecraft for a few months now. round about 5 ish I guess. My CPU crashed earlier while I was playing and for a few hours I thought I had lost my whoile save. Months of work. I recovered it but still. Wow. I think I would have just quit playing if it had been gone.
Other than that things up and down. Father still thretening to take us to court for things we have offered to give to him without that. He's a cock. I'm used to it now. Still want him to go away.
Been wroking 6 day weeks for almost a month with a crazy week comming up this week. At least I get tomorrow/today since its early enough, off. Kim took a vacation day so a full day of Buddy and wife... horray for me.
Work going well. Getting good at the job now. No problems most of the time. New partner is much nicer than the old one. He looks alarmingly like John Malkovitch. Sounds like him too. Maybe it is him doing research on a film about a spunky egg cook at a swanky hotel. Like a secret malkovitch.
...somehow it seems like the sort of thing in ones life that should be noted.
I have been disinherited, by both parents no less. The details are long but sadly very simple. I wont go into them much. Its not the sort of thing one forgets and it isn't really the sort of thing I think the internet needs to know.
I'm unclear how I feel about this. On one hand I am saddened because my family just fell apart. On the other hand I feel sort of relieved. There are some bad concequences from this obviously, loss of inheritance being a fairly significant one considering my father. But I don't seem to care about that very much. I had never really wanted my fathers money and hand't considered my mothers at all. I won't have to deal with my idiot step sister any more. That will be nice. And no more condescending family gatherings which will be very nice. But still. In many ways I have lost my identity along with my parents.
For instance, for most of my friends I am called Hooper. I have never felt any particular attachment to any of my names. Of all of them Hooper seemed to fit best, but now it just feels odd. I don't know what to do about this because people have to call me something, but none of my names seem to fit any more. Its like my name went from being a servicable sweater to a burlap sack with holes cut in it. I'm not about to go picking another name or anything, but I just don't know what to do.
Oddly one of my first thoughts is that I have to collect the last of my childhood posessions from my mothers house. For some reason I really want them back now despite not having thought of much of it for many years. Perhaps I just want a reminder of a time before my family turned to shit. Maybe I'm just grasping for things I have lost.
I can't say I was very polite to my father when we talked. I intended to be calm but apparantly a lot of things needed to come out. I don't think he liked much of it considering the outcome. I think the line that tipped me over was allong the lines of "I could not live without making extreme acheivements, and to do that I had to make sacrafices." The sacrafices being his family. I'm paraphrasing obviously the conversation was longer than that. It its that he put across that sentiment dispasionatly as if it excused him for having done it or was justified by his sucess.
I know now that I have been trying to get my father to be someone he couldn't be. I don't think its possible for him simply because he doesn't want to change. Its sad because he lives such an empty life and all I wanted was to try to include him in my family as a propper grandparent. But he doesn't want the responsability that comes with being an actuall member of a working family. He wants to show up when he wants to and do the ammount he wants to and little else. He made it clear that he had no intention in changing or in helping me raise my child. I never knew my grandfather. I only saw him a few times when I was very young as he lived in the UK. I had hoped that Will would have a better relationship with my father, and that somehow I could get to at least experience what that aspect of a propper family is like.
Perhaps somehow I have been seeing the world through rose tinted glasses. Though I doubt anyone would say that of me in most cases. But none the less I sense more than just a little self delusion and I am confused as to how long it has been going on. Probably a very long time. At least since Will was born. I guess a part of me thought that if I had a child my father might actually step up and do the right thing rather than the thing that satisfied his own needs best. Or even better have him be self satisfied with being a member of my family, to in fact enjoy it. To actually want to help out, to do things together, even mundane boring things like home repairs or gardening or just a bbq that wasn't him and diane showing up eating and leaving again.
I once asked him if he would come over to help me replaster my ceiling. (something I am embarassed to say has been a work in progress for more than 9 months now) He laughed in my face (ok it was on the phone but still). He refused because he had never thought that buying my house was a good idea. And the day my offer on the house was accepted he gave me an ultimatum. Enter in the legal battle it would take to break out of an accepted house bid and buy a larger house (granted with more money from him to do so but still not in our financial interests or emotional for that matter.) or never recieve help from him again for the house in any way. I bought my house.
I have never been a trusting person. It has kept me distant from a lot of good people who deserved better. Its something I fight constantly. This has not helped that I think. Considering I am having to learn to be more cuthrout to get by in the industry I think I may be having a very hard time of this in the near future. Fortunatly I have Kim and Will and Patric who puts up with me showing up at is door at odd hours.
Tomorrow I start a new job potentially. A test day at the Hotel W. I feel bad becasue if I get it I will have to leave the fondue place where the people are very nice and understaffed but I got to do what I have to do. I'm not in a position where I can say no to more money and hours. Also, Otto.... holy crap. I mean just for breakfasts but if I get it I'm in. Go me.
Need to be up at 4:30 am to get to work on time. Sleep now... somehow.
I'll leave comments open but no sappy condolences please. I appreciate the sentiment but I'm not in the frame of mind for it. My appologies.
...I am employed. 5 days of handing out cvs... nothing. 15 minutes on Kijiji and I have a job starting thursday. Granted my Fridays and Saturdays are gone forever, but that was expected.
I had to switch five minutes in. I couldn't take a single part of it seriously. The set, the host, her attractive man slaves foretold to be coming to give us cooking tips on bad looking sets. It was so pretentious and the opposite of punk or whatever she was trying to do I had to choose between shocked disbelief at the shows very existence and gut wrenching laughter.
"I'm a very tough lady with lots of attitude and style... lets talk about your salt intake."
Ok, not a real line from the show but its the image she is trying to get across.
Good luck lady. I know people somewhere will like you. I even know people who will like you. But for me you were a brief if intense state of not unpleasant ambivalence ended by the press of a button as requested by Kim.
School is going well. I passed my meats exam. I'm surprised by that my roast beef was shit, but pass I did so here I am. I've somehow been corn-holed into class patisseur, which I don't mind. I like making bread. But between thursday and friday I made 12 baguettes (which came out ugly... poo) 108 soft rolls (half of which came out tasting like salteens... not my recipe, the schools. I have torn it out of my book and thrown it into a hot burner where it received the burning it so rightly deserved.) Two Pain Forte's which some soon to be dead woman from the day class stole and replaced with her own shitty product but didn't have the brains to switch labels on nso I wouldn't notice. Fortunately I was working with a guy from the day class on friday who was able to point out the person responsible to me. SHE WILL PAY! I'm not sure how yet but SHE WILL PAY! And finally I made monkey bread which was absolutely fantastic but which no one ate... .... .... assholes don't know good bread when they see it.
Home is an absolute shambles. I finally got the tiles in the bathroom up, grouted, sealed and caulked. Sure it took me three weeks but now we can have showers again. I still have to finish the plastering and painting but that can wait a little. I have to do a complete clean of the whole house because its just embarrassing. No food rotting around or anything like that but there are dust-bunnies on the stairs, the office carpet looks like a flattened squirrel and there is a layer of grime and clutter over everything. That will be what I do today.
Been trying to organize some sort of gaming so I can see people but things keep getting canned, or people can't make it. Or people say they can make it but when the day comes they have made other plans. Some of that is poor communication on my part. The rest just seems to be the standard gaming as something to do unless something better comes up. I'm not to keen about that part but its not likely to change any time soon so I will deal.
Going to clean now so that hopefully I can relax this evening.
