"I am not afriad, I was born to do this" -Joan of Arc

Brit took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test! "Desires release from an unsatisfactory situation a..." Click here to read the rest of the results.

Ha. Haven't been here in awhile. I def. need some new shoes.

I truely am a sociopath. Work and school. Just do yoga- you'll be cured. i swear.

Sometimes I wish I were dead. And then I realize that I am already. When i look in the mirror i see nothing but the blank deadness staring back at me. I feel nothing, really. To say I'm sad, would be the same as saying I'm happy, or a watermelon. Its all relative. I can't leave the house in confidence. I can't imagine anyone wanting to touch me, ever. And if they did, I'd probably do my best to make them hate me just to save them from the black hole. I'm not smart enough to be a doctor. Oh waah waah waah. I guess to be honest I know no one ever saw me as anything but a mom, or whatever. Which is strange in a round-a-bout way because practically everyone i know is pregnant- my own biological clock is ticking-loudly. Not that i want babies now, i know i'd be a horrible mother, nor do i know if i even want them because of the problems i would be passing down to them, and then there's the big issue of finding someone who would want to sleep with me... but its ticking and its driving me insane.Ambition is down the toliet. Whats the use anyways. I can barely get up in the mornings. Even pulling myself up for work is a chore. But money is all i need. It buys me books so i can lose myself. I have recurrent dreams that I've been in a horrible car accident and I need major plastic surgery- i wake up, in my dream of course, and marvel at my newness. I wake up, in real life this time, and am disappointed. In fact, I'd probably attempt rhinoplasty,liposuction, eye-lift, stomach stapling,etc, if they had a do-it-yourself kit. I want to be able to see my vertebrae through my skin. Red eyes and skin. If i honestly ask myself what i want, i don't know. To be happy? No, I'm too old for that. Happiness is the exception to rule. We're all ingrained to want to be happy, to want to do all the will make us happy. But nothing is ever going to make anyone happy. Really truely happy. And the weird part about all this, is that I'm not even upset that I might never be happy, its almost a relief- that maybe I'm not as fucked up as i think.

Sometimes I wonder if we all fail this much, or if its just me. I've lost pretty much everything I valued. I just can't stand myself, i don't want to burden people with my insanity. I don't want to hurt anyone I care about, but i have. Please believe I never intended to. I never wanted to hurt you guys, i have the best memories with you and I wish we still had this, but things seem so different now. Almost impossible to reconnect. And Its my fault, and i know it is. But I don't know how to fix it. I don't even know if you want to fix it. Sometimes i jsut feel so alone. And I wish i had you to talk to. Because you guys are the only ones who know anything about me. Not just me, but the me that i hate.

They are thermals.

Like she really thought a knitting needle was going to take him down? Seriously. Of that throwing the knife off to side was a a safe bet.

die die die, my darling.

I had a dream last night that my co-worker poisoned my food and raped me. Yeah, I know.

I can't look at him anymore. ha.

School.work.school.work.school.work.school.school.work.school.work.

I'm still kind of seeing Him. He's the only one who knows I'm alive. I'll be 21 soon, and at least he'll be there to bring me down where I should be.

Sometimes I think none of us has any right to be happy. Ever.

My life is a mess. They're are some that I'd do anything for a bit of attention from, so I try to compensate the kind of attention I really want from people I don't care about. They're just there so i have some kind of interaction with humans.

Sometimes I wonder how it all came to be this way.

Sometimes I just feel like crying just because. Just to break down sometime and cry. For a lot of reasons. I can;t pay for the school i got accepted to, i just can't. Not with all the loans, not with grants, or any of that crap. My parents won't help me, and I don't blame them, I should be able to handle this on my own but I don't make enough money to pay for it and I can't get loans because I don't make enough money and no one with money with co-sign. Theres times I just want to fuck all of it and became a hippie.

And then he is still there. And i hate him. But hes the only one who puts me through what in should be put through. He knows me, and I can't way theres a lot of people that do. Los Angeles is the most isolated city i can think of.

I'm sick. Snot and mucus. And a big knife.

And a funny story. I think I'm disowned from ym step family for not being (a) addicted to some drug, (b) pregnant, or (c) perfectly thin and beautiful. Its been a long time coming. And I can't say that i will lose any sleep over their failrue to love me.

I mean, what so romantic about being pregnant? You get fat. And then you have HUGE responsibilty of being a parent and raising the child and trying not to fuck it up the same way your parents fucked you up and then trying not to be obsessed with only your child and trying to re-live your life through them. And it goes on and on. And yet getting pregnant by some guy you don't know, when neither you nor him have an education, a job, a place to live, or any skill whatsoever, is like the second coming of Jesus. This is not logic, it is insanity.

I can't talk, it hurts. The devil's in the cat and the baby's brain. So broke up with "him," at least for now. And there's this other guy, whom i went to school with, but its so akward. It feels like kissing my brother. That is, if i had a brother.

And I'm lonely, but that's nothing new. I've been tempted to slice my face with the scalpel I have for anatomy. I think this is the closest I've been to "homicidal" behavior.