What can I really say about Kerrville these days? Everything seemed to function so simply...just like the internet. It seems now that so much has changed for the worst. On youtube when I first logged on there all I had to do was log in with my channel ID, I could watch anything and barely get an advertizement( don't get me wrong it will SOMETIMES give me the choice to skip it ), I could watch something with minor trolling, and my favorites would remain the same number without the videos vanishing or being flagged by assholes....
Kerrville seems to have changed that way too. We have no centers for young kids that isn't related to the military or church....Well, we do. The Arcade that has things for just young kids and cheap ass lazer tag....Sound cool? Yeah...if your a rich person with time to waste. We have more churches then we have affordable housing for poor people. We have a Mental Health clinic that passes out pills like candy and then takes them back...Staff changes every other month....How are they supposed to be helping me? The doctors have no idea what they are doing when it comes to most things around here. I've had more people die from our doctors and hospitals then I think I can count. We have almost virtually NO jobs it seems. I put in apps plenty. They have questions that say its optional but they ask for my gender/age/ethnicity...Like Valero....We give them all the information they could need to contact us....they rarely call unless you bother their buisness so much you get introuble for distrupting them...
Yeah....Just observations like this that make me crazy....at least it is a home. But don't fuck up with the law here if you come to Kerrville. They will rape you for every dime you have for the rest of your life.
Since I left highschool I've always had an endless void of my mind dedicated to anger/fear/sadness, but after a trip to just the gates of the inferno Dante traveled; An endless view straight to the bottom of the pit, and I saw a reality I can't cross. A world of true pain was lain out with a simple volentary admitance to my inward anger I refused to express. Anger at my mother, my father, my family (that I barely knew), and even friends and people I'd cared more for even compared to blood. I had a drug and it never had to be taken, it was just as easy as picking up a phone an talking into it for just a second, then you are literally wisked for a gene's curse....a wish you pretend in and then bring you out into a painful false reality........Anger has a new color and its a shade- and no 'mama-person' it doesn't shine.....
After tumbling as far as my father's genes could allow me to into the black void of emotional borg space, I will most definately be trying to post some shit up on this page.
Hello my Lj journal. It's surprising how relaxing it is to type on a computer instead of using a gray marker. After a trip to our local CSU I've come back with a much easier mindset!
I might not even compare to others suffering. But everyday my insides burn and hurt. I try to solve the pain with medicine and it stops working. I just want to sleep....When I go to sleep when they look at me, maybe I'll stop feeling so bad.
I really don't know what to say. I'm not good at writing in journals but everyone tells me its natural and healthy to put your emotion in some form of text. I don't know.
If I had to talk about something...I guess I would talk about just some recent things in my life. Something to show I've made some progress somewhere. I've always said I had a talent for ideas and my imagination. I just never was good at being top dog. I'm always neutral if I can help it because I've never had a reason worth fighting for...anything...I'm not usually confrentational. I was taking meds for schitzoaffectivedisorder, but I quit them cold turkey. I quit them right before I went back to the city I was born in to try to make peace with my mother who I have a seriously strained relationship with...when she tries to write things to me....she is basically illiterate. And talking to her online is the only way I have to talk to her. I hadn't seen her for ten years before I took the trip down there. She was different yet predictable when I met her. I think about her even now and wonder if she understood the things I tried to tell her. I'm selfish. If my life could have been just her, me, and Dad....I think I would have been happier. Even if they had done drugs. But who am I to judge anyone for doing drugs? Who am I to judge if she cheated on my Dad or any other man she has been with? Who am I to judge anyone? I can't say I completely forgive her but I can say that she has impacted my life at least in a way that I will never forget...but she has. Yet...lol...she has her own version and memories of my past...maybe she is....damaged. I don't know the truth yet. And after my expiriance I don't think I ever will. But I felt the tightenss of her weak muscles hugging me. The feeling of tears pooling on the back of my neck or on my shoulder...as she cried and told me she didn't want to let me go. She will always be in pain...my pain is her pain....and there is nothing I can do to change that...because I think subconciously she remembers what she's done...she understands...
Through the pain she gave me, I learned to hate, and I'm sorry. I did bad things to people who were close to me. Doing things to satisfy myself and my endless insecurity. I wish I could take it all back. I wish I could change the choices I made along the way to this point. I don't think I will ever be forgiven. And that's fine. I will still be here. In the darkness. Waiting. Waiting like I always do. Waiting for the day that I can find it in me to fight. To keep moving forwards.
The hate for myself spread to you all and It was my fault. Maybe I just didn't love you as much as I thought I did. Sometimes I just don't think. Sometimes I can't think. Sometimes I just get so caught up in my own stupid fantasies all I can focus on is the pleasures of my own mind. It's my fault. I'm selfish. But...in the time that I spent with you all...I learned so little obviously. I tried to do...something...or did I do nothing at all? I don't know.
Apologizing seems pretty stupid at this point. No one will ever know I wrote this or who I was writing it to...and I guess its better that way.
I miss you. I still think about you everyday. I still dream about the good times and the bad times. I still think about the promises we made to each other and the whispered secrets. I remember and am blissfully unaware of the insults. I don't need to be told what kind of person I am. I already know. And I have to live with it. Maybe someday we will meet again and share more ideas and laughter and fun? Or maybe you'll hate me and try to hurt me. I understand. Someday I will change. Maybe there is a heaven and a hell....maybe there isn't. Neither force has ever shown itself to me or influanced me. But from the look of things....My future is forever uncertain.
My loniliness is almost unbarable. I'm trapped in my own mental prison that I can't find a way out of. What can I do? Maybe I think to much. But that's all I have to do. I can't face the ugly world outside those doors. There is nothing out there looking for me or waiting for me.
I want love. Unconditional love. Someone to lean on and someone to lean on me. Someone to hold my hand and tell me everything is going to be okay.
Is that so much to ask? To have someone be there for me emotionally? To have someone be there when things are not alright? Am I being punished?
Man lately not just my house but like everywhere else I go to hang out people have armys of flies in their houses. Its fucking nuts. Then I went to clean up the house and found maggots in our garbage. Ugh. Makes me want to vomit. Not cause they are maggots but because of how they move. Man..
crushed