sick and twisted kitty love

I never thought I would be in this situation. I’ve always been a good dog, faithful to the hand that was feeding me, but just like so many other puppies, I was wrapped on the nose with a rolled up paper marked termination and set loose on the streets. I couldn’t believe it as I sat whimpering at the front door hoping against hope that someone would see the pathetic little face and let me back in, but no. I was suddenly a stray in a world where the stray population was getting out of control.

I would wonder the streets at times and see all the puppies riding the buses and trains, dressed in their fancy studded corporate collars and wished mine was still around my neck. I resented those puppies who probably weren’t all that happy with their world, but still happier although they didn’t know it, because they still wore that collar tight around their neck.

I’d come back to my own home still grateful I had one to go to and licked my paws and prayed to God that He would provide for me. And He has and still does as I still have a face and legs and paws to lick, but I still beg and search for that corporate leash and pray that one day it will find me and call to me waving a chewable health card and 401k.

I want my world back…or a similar world, where I can ride the train again with my tongue wagging knowing I was on a leash once more.

Ended up staying up til 4am this morning. Could not fall asleep for anything. Watched Survivor, Sober House and Paranormal State. As I was trying to fall asleep started watching people on the Food Network Challenge make cakes for Miley Cyrus' 16th birthday...her three biggest fans were the judges. I thought I could nod off easily to that...but nope,I was riveted...as someone accidentally dinged another person's cake (oh, the drama!)...

this is what kept me awake.

I totally need a job!

I also need to get out and moving soon as I feel my calves starting to shrivel up! I used to walk 3/4 of a mile each way back and forth to work and now I live in front of this little box. So today's adventure is walking to a near by Walgreen's to pick up some meds.

Total I totally lack search incentive. My brain is getting blurry looking at all the job sites over and over again.

I may need to take a nap soon. =)


Positive for right now ~ Started the day wearing my brand new pair of purple glasses.

It's now 2:42 in the afternoon and typically this would have been the last place I could have been at as, well, it was a blocked site, but now I have freedom to go willy nilly all over the internet if I wish. I will say that that is one of the perks, as I decided I was going to list at least one positive a day (if I can) to try to keep things in perspective.

Two days ago was, to date, the worst day and my biggest freak out. It was the first official day that I was unpaid and not in the office. I was on line busting butt looking for and applying to things, and after that (backwards, I know), tried to fix my resume once again. I believe now it's the best it's been, but sent it to a friend to do a little double checking on it.

Anyway, I had my internal freak out, cried for a bit (which I'm super surprised I really haven't done much of that at all except for when I was hugging all my friends - and when I was being let go), and had a little more wine. The boy I see (which is funny as we actually don't see each other, we were bf/gf, but he lives out of state, takes care of his daughter part time, has a full time job, and in Jan had to get a part time job, which leaves no gf visit time, boo), called for the first time since it happened and he did a right good job calming me down telling me I will get through this, I've been through way worse, and that God will take care of me, but I have to remember that sometimes God doesn't mind letting you sweat a little bit either. All these things were true, just scary because they rest of the country is all going through the same thing as well.

Now, as for the wine...I'm not much of a drinker, but the wine has been most helpful with the whole keeping calm aspect. Unfortunately, the three buck check won't last forever, but I do have a whooole bunch of hard liquor in my place so who knows, I may have to sip on some of that every now and again to keep me from being a big ol' ball of boo hoo.

Man, I have been online busting bum it seems even more so than I was working, and that's scary as I was a worker lass to be sure! Except for here, there are less people walking by and wanting to talk.

I had a friend ask if I wanted to come over and hang out today, and I totally want to, but that means driving a distance in a car that is not doing all so well to begin with, and then there's the gas. I hate that I have to be like this now, but gas money or even getting on the train I have to think, that's 2.50 each way that I should save in case of an emergency. I am frugal by nature, but now it's going to be in the psycho hermit frugal stage! I'm going to be like Howard Hughes, except for all that not having any money parts!

I applied for a couple of jobs yesterday and one in particular I'm really hoping I get word on. It's for a law firm so I harassed my friends to find out if anyone knew of anyone that worked there and this afternoon I found out, so here's hoping that it will at least get them to possibly interview me!

I now have to shower (which for the last couple of days has been optional) and put on some clothes (which also has been optional), so I can go pck up my two pair of brand new glasses and a refill on one of my meds...considering I have til the end of March, I want to be able to at least get two months before making them full price.

ug. I don't even want to think about health care at this point.


Positive of the day - being able to go wherever I please on the web.

So, I woke up bright and early this morning to get ready for my dental appointment. As my insurance is good through March 31st, I wanted to make sure at least I got as much out of it as I could (which included $400 for glasses just days before I got canned).

I popped out over there and in no time my doctor had the whole right side of my face numb...including my eyelid and eyebrow which was a little weird as I don't recall that ever happening before. Anyway, per usual, I hear the 'her mouth is so small' comment she made to her assistant as she proceeded to shove two hands and at least three instruments in the tiny crevice. The little mouth comments always amuse me and make me think back to about a decade and a half ago when my ex-hub and friends gave me the super secret Indian name: Little Big Mouth. Yes. It's shocking that someone as loud as I can be (hence being the 'five minutes before the show starts' crier at all the horror society events) can have such a tiny tiny mouth.

Anyway, she tools around in my tiny mouth hole for about an hour and a half and gets me to the front desk. My dentist schedules me for my next appointment just two days later where we, meaning she, will be taking care of the left side of my mouth. Then I was told I needed to pay 20% of the bill. Calculating... please pay this amount. Wait, no. *re-calculates* Nope, this amount (which of course was more). I pulled out my wage works card and after waiting a moment I see the 'amount declined' on it. Ah, so it's already started. I feel my insides shudder as I pull out one of my credit cards. $136 later I am out the door with both a numb face and numbed mind. I do my own calculations and, once again, I have near maxed out my $1,000 limit for my dental. I decide even before I get home I can't afford the dental work on the left side of my mouth until I find another job.

I make up my mind that I will call them as soon as I get in and relax a little...but no, there was to be no relaxing...

as when I got in, all the boxes from work had been delivered and were sitting in the vestibule. All 11 of them!! So I set myself to the task of bringing all 11 boxes up to my place...and remember, half of my face had been drilled and pried open for over an hour an a half already so I'm not at my most spry. As I move them in and up, I keep having flashes of Bob Barker from the Biggest Loser telling me that this was my last chance work out and to keep pushing...keeeep pushing! And I did. I piled the lot in front of my door then opened it wide. I wanted to make sure all the other doors to the lower levels were closed before I did that so my cat Pooch could 'escape' and think he was super cool for doing so. I let him roam for a baby bit, but oddly, he didn't stay out there because, well, there were all these things coming into his world and he wanted to know what the deal was...and the deal was, my place is too small to house 11 additional boxes of crud!

I piled the boxes up near my living room windows and hit the computer again. This time I emailed a few of my favourite attorneys and gave them my good byes as well as the plea to keep their ears open for me in case they heard of any accounting positions available. I received a few immediate replies (no offers of course), but well wishes and a few promises that they would try to keep a look out for me...at the very least, I think if need be, I could get a few glowing recommendations out of them (but at the moment, that won't buy me a gallon of milk).

I put in my computer time and decided it was now nap time. I laid my now aching face to the pillow and passed dead out. I woke up a few hours later and decided I needed to head to the grocery store as I was not only running seriously low on certain essentials as in toilet paper and that a fore mentioned gallon of milk, but I also needed to buy one more six pack of Pepsi Max as I needed the UPC codes from them to submit a collect all this and get $15.00 worth of coupons mail in thingie. I had already started this before I knew I was being let go, but now it was an imperative because, well, I was now going to be the coupon queen if I could!

I get there and debate for a good five minutes over this or this brand of toilet paper...lifting and squeezing and weighing cost and amount in the aisles. I then went over to the milk. It was on sale for $2.29...a dollar less than it usually is and cheaper than most other places have it. I pulled out two then put one back. My insides were screaming, 'What do we do?!!? What do we do?!?! Should we be that crazy, that willy nilly?!?!' I went back and pulled the second one out as I decided that I will drink it, I will use it with a variety of things, and my cat simply must have her milk!

I paid out the smallest, yet scariest shopping bill in some time and headed to my car where I sat with a paint scraper peeling off the UPC codes to my new six pack of soda. I then drove to the post office and dropped the puppy as well as a possible $1,000 survey thingie in the box as the coupon offer was only good if it was post marked by the 17th.

I got in, had myself a delicious glass of milk for dinner and proceeded to sit in front of the computer for another night...mostly. Thankfully, one of my best friends called and offered just the right amount of pep and faith to keep me on the positive side...and as I said to her, I can only hope that this is God's plan to get me out of where I was, in order for me to re-assess things and get me to where I need to be for my future.

So, yes, I haven't been on here in quite some time, but I suddenly will have a lot more free time...

as I was laid off on Thursday.

Yep. Talk about a blow to the head. Part of me felt it coming on and I had already started getting my resume together and talking to some recruiters. Unfortunately, there is little going on in the way of hiring lately, especially with all the lay offs and freezes, so no leads as of yet. The people I worked with in the Chicago office had no desire to let me go as I'm a rockin' employee, but, unfortunately, during the last restructuring, I was taken off the Chicago payroll and put on the home office's payroll...and during this lay off, they canned both myself and one other person who was also not in Tampa...they moved our whole department to corporate headquarters and left us hanging in the wind...

our 'supervisor' wasn't even there for the firing or even on the phone for it. Such is life.

I found out earlier that morning that I was on the chopping block and told my counterpart who had no clue. I knew it was coming because the whole firm was buzzing. They killed off about ten percent of the employees in total, but myself and my buddy were because of the centralizing of our positions.

My friend called me up and told me it was time. Up until that moment I was handling myself quite well, but as soon as I walked in the room the tears started rolling and an uncontrollable sob crept up and past my lips. As soon as I started, the office manager, whom I had grown close to, and the person who was my old supervisor (and one of my best friends) both started crying as well. I asked for a tissue and as they placed it on the table I went to reach for one and my girl got there first. I reached again and the office manager grabbed one. I had to dig for one as the next tissue didn't pop out. I uttered something like, hey ladies! It's about me here!, and we all laughed through the water works.

She told me what she needed to (among other things, that now being 40, I had 7 days to contest my signature because I could say that I suddenly was out of my head...at 40!?!), and with tears that wouldn't stop flowing (and some laughter, as that's how I roll), I signed my paperwork. We hugged and cried some more and I tried to compose myself as I left...which was to no avail as when I did, the receptionist came out from her desk and hugged me tight. I got in the elevator and saw two attorneys I had worked for and told them it was nice working with them...they were flabbergasted...as I'm sure one of them was even more so later on, when he and his secretary had become their victims as well.

I got down to my office and my computer was signed off. My grrl told me not to worry about my stuff which was awesome as I had about nine years worth of my life (which totaled to 11 boxes I was told) in there! Craziness!

I went to one of my closest friends and told her the news. This woman is one of my rocks and when she started hugging and sobbing, I lost it all over again. I hugged a number of people who told me to chin up because I was a great worker and all that, but at that point I just kept telling them if they heard of anything to look me up. I was both concerned by how hideous I must of looked and the fact that I was now jobless with no income goodness to lean on. I was amazed by how fast I was working my pimping skills because I know that if I find anything, it's going to because the people I know and not some random job search.

People in the office kept coming by and hugging me and giving me their email addresses...both those that still worked there and those that also got canned. There were plenty of I'll miss your laughs and such and it felt a lot like I was graduating high school all over again, except I wasn't dressed in a tacky yellow robe, I got no tassel, and my future did not seem as promising.

I got canned at exactly 12 noon. Near 2pm, my (former) cellmate and I decided to have our swan song lunch together at Bergoff's where we would go and talk to the busser about all the lay offs there and everywhere and how bad it was getting; so, of course, we had to let him know the reason why we wouldn't be there any longer. We were giggling and laughing about it, because, by that time, I was sick to death of crying. I still couldn't eat much as my stomach was tore up with the pain and fear of it all, so all I got was a side order of chips...which the crew there let me have for free as a send off. If I knew that was going to be the case, I would have ordered something bigger and saved it when my no job havin' belly finally started growling, but nope. Oh well. There may be time to beg for free food in the future...although I'm hoping that won't be the case.

We get back and my buddy packs up and leaves. The people are still coming by to wish me well and near the end of it all I couldn't stop thinking about how much my feet were hurting. I had been standing for most of the day and now my feet were saying we need to get out of here just so we can sit down for a little while on the train.

I grabbed some stuff (including the bag with my chips in it as I couldn't eat any) and made my way out the door one last time. I networked as much as I could on my way out even asking the building's manager to keep an ear out for me.

I got on the train and made it home where I immediately sent out the first wave of the I'm no longer there, here is my contact addie, then spent the evening replying to the mass of emails telling me how horrible it is out there, but they will have their ears open for me...which is all I can hope for for the time being.

One of my other best friends came over later that night and brought the English mini-series Dead Set and a Wendy's meal over to my then drunk butt. As I enjoyed the company, the show, and my first ever double cheeseburger, something would pull me right back into reality and I would say out loud, 'I don't have a job'. I have to say it's a totally surreal experience as I've been working since I was 14 years old! I am (as many other Americans are) in my own personal shock and awe.

I bid my friend good-bye, prayed really hard for this being what needed to be in order for me to be where I need to be for the next stage of my life, and passed out hoping for the best.

How many new friendships have you created or cultivated in the past two years?


There are a number of people who weren't in my life just two years ago. Most of the horror people I know sans Coye are all recent additions to my world. My grrl Kim and her crew have all shown up within the last two years as well. I met a couple of new people in Atlanta at the con...time will tell if any of those get cultivated into anything further. I've also cultivated a number of online friends as well via this thing...there's been a few of you, you know who you are! By far the best thing that myspace has to offer.

Have there been any questions that you've always wanted to ask either your friends, family, or general populace but never have?

There have been tons of questions I've wanted to ask that I never will...there have been tons I've had no problem asking, of course, but the ones that may be too strong or too sensitive (or the ones that you want to know the answers to, but also know that the answer you'll get is not the one you'd love it to be) will most always be the ones that stay behind closed lips.

Are there some gadgets or gizmos from the past that you love or miss?

When I was younger I was a Ronco fan. My faves that I used often were the rock tumbler and the glass cutter...ahh, those were the days! I also loved Betty Crocker's Easy Bake oven as well and pulled that puppy out all the way out into my late teens.

What was the last gadget or gizmo you purchased? Did it work as well as you would have hoped?

I purchased that pedegg yesterday after being told a lot of people actually liked it. It's an egg-shaped device that scrapes the icky skin off your feet. I gave it a shot and I would have to agree. This pedegg thing way rocks and would recommend it to anyone and it's a shame I didn't pick it up earlier!

Well, it's back to school time...are you going back to school or have to get anyone ready to go back?

There is no back to school world for me. I don't go and I don't teach and I don't have any little ones to shove off and away either.