between the click of the light and the start of a dream

I wish I could erase the imagery of how I saw you the night you left us.

But the one thing I would not want to forget from that night is how I felt the little warmth, the little spark of life you had left.

Amidst panic and screams, I made sure that I got to hug you for one last time. I made sure that I got to whisper a soft and heartfelt "good night" and "I love you". I don't know if you still heard those words, since they say that the last sense to go is that of sound.

Now, your ashes are inside a beautiful mahogany box and your soul is wandering and dancing in heaven.

Never stop watching over us. Please.

Happy 9th day, Papa. We will never stop missing and loving you.

Harry Potter season is indeed near because I've been dreaming about wizards, Hogsmeade and Hogwarts quite often.

After waking up really early for work, I decided to take a power nap. Usually, I don't dream when I have quick naps. I usually just see darkness, probably because my subconscious really shuts down. Anyway, the moment I closed my eyes, I found myself inside a gloomy set. The props were scattered everywhere, some walls seemed to have been broken down. It was then that I realized I was in the Room of Requirement!

I was probably a Production Assistant in the dream and I was helping out the Art Department since I was fixing props on the table. After fixing the props on one table, I started setting up the makeup area. I put up mirrors, lined up the brushes and brought out various eyeshadow palettes among other things.

Another PA approached me and decided to help me out with the setup. As we continued setting up, I caught a glimpse of Tom Felton's reflection on one of the mirrors. I've had the biggest crush on Tom Felton since I saw him in the first movie and there he was walking towards me. In the dream, I probably wasn't working with the HP Production crew for a long time so I figured maybe he didn't really know who I was. I could have been just another crew member. Or maybe he just wanted to ask something makeup or prop-related.

The PA I was with turned around first and said "hi" to him. She probably saw his reflection too. I, on the other hand, continued working and pretended not to have seen his gorgeous face. I felt a tap on my shoulder. I ignored it at first but then he called out my name.

HE KNEW WHO I WAS.

So I turned around and pretended to act surprised. "Hey Tom!", I said. "Hi Mara", he replies with a smile. He moved in closer and so did I. I figured we were probably just going to beso (or kiss cheek to cheek but he suddenly put both his hands on my face and started to kiss me. I heard the other PA gasp but we continued to kiss. He pulled away for a moment and told me he needed to do that so he could move on. He knew all along that I was in a relationship and of course the whole world knew he was also in one. We kissed again for the second and last time. We melted into each other and didn't care if people on the set saw what was happening.

Then I woke up and looked around. I was in my room again. It was all a dream and it was never going to happen but I was still smiling. I didn't mind really because what I have in real life is actually better.

Sometimes, I feel like I don't deserve a space in your list of friends because I'm not as smart as you are.

That statement just made me sound pathetic.

To be quite honest, this week has to be the most frustrating by far.

I have shed work-related tears in the past because of a client who were giving orders for the heck of it or some other officemate who did something wrong but put the blame on me. These tears were out of frustration, sometimes out of anger. At times, I was just tired. All I wanted to do was sleep but all I could do was cry. It was a plea for some rest Rest that I knew I deserved. Rest that I knew would always be delayed.

At least back then I had valid reasons to cry.

YOU are not a valid reason. YOU are not worth my tears. YOU are just someone who is full of himself and full of lame excuses. YOU are someone who just cannot understand the whole purpose of having and being in a team.

Because of all that, I will no longer take any bullsh*t from you.

Nor do I ever want to see your face.

NEVER again.

After the busy weeks, hoykingcoy and I devoted our Sunday afternoon to creating art along with the help of CD (my pole teacher), Margaret (our main talent) and the other members of the Polecats (the poledancing group I'm part of). Margaret was the only on who was supposed to be shot for art. Later on, I became a victim of King's art.


This is Margaret. She has the prettiest lines, doesn't she?


Yours truly doing one of my favorite tricks. The Liberty Release


And then we all took advantage of the spinning pole. Here's the reverse grab to split!

It was a very fun shoot, despite my fall from one of the tricks. It was actually caught on video but I haven't had the courage to watch it yet especially after being told that my body literally folded.

Ang sarap mag-art!

I used to run almost every other day ever since the year started. It was either during the wee hours of the morning when the sun is just about to rise or during the magic hour when the skies turn into a palette of purple, gold, blue and orange. As I run, the first few beats of a Sigur Ros or El Ten Eleven will come on and from there, I'll start picking up my pace. When the song reaches a high or heavy point, I sprint. When the song mellows down, I walk.

After a month of depriving my running shoes of terrain, I decided to run over at UP. It was 5 in the afternoon and it had just rained. Raindrops still trickled from the trees, the road was still quite slippery and the air was damp and cold. But it felt good.

I was only supposed to do one round since I was building up my endurance again but the moment I crossed the first lap mark, I decided to do one more. It was too early for me to stop since I knew I could keep on going. I ended up doing an extra lap. I was tired but I felt accomplished and capable of doing more the next time.

I guess I like my runs to be dramatic.

Same goes for my life.

I remember the very first time I got into the world of production. I was simply curious as to how my friends in production worked so I decided to tag along and help them with, mostly, logistical needs. Whenever their works would be shown in class, a sense of accomplishment and pride for the group starts to fill me. During the very first time I felt those sensations, I knew that I had found something far more exciting than the world of journalism.

Cut to the next semester, I decided to bid goodbye to my dreams of being the next Maria Resa, and mind you the next Pia Guanio, and immerse myself in the realm of production. I took my very first film class in college during my junior year under Marie Jamora.

Trivia: One of the main reasons I joined the class was because I was such a big fan of Boldstar. True story.

Having very minimal experience in production, I thought I'd be able to get by since my prod friends were also part of the class. I was WRONG. Marie had a totally different curriculum in mind. It made perfect sense. What made me pray that it was all joke was when she said that all projects must be individually made.

What.

The.

Eff.

It was a crash course of various elements, the most basic ones at that. I taught myself how to edit, researched proper framing and lighting techniques which I know I never got to fully execute. I had to learn how to lay down the stories in my head on paper.

1 short film, a couple of music videos, AVPS, virals and a few years later, I become a freelance production manager. Sometimes, I even line produce. Prior to that I was a post-production manager. That pretty much says that I may just be destined to deal with logistics and yet a part of me continues to dream of making another short. One that again reflects the innocence and heart of a child.

But I am still looking for that story. Perhaps, writing in this journal will help me find that story once more.

For now, I will keep looking back to what I did and hope that one day, I'll be able to look forward to what I can do and what story I can tell. For now, I leave you with this:



stills from "Look, Ma!" (2007)

Just stills, because I'm too shy to show the moving ones.


Edit as of 3:18 AM: Here's the link. I have to get rid of being too shy.

Consider this a lame attempt to resuscitate a long-dead journal and a so-called ability to write. That sentence alone took me a minute to compose. Spelling "resuscitate" alone took up 15 seconds of my time. It looked strange at first so I had to consult a legitimate reference. Thank God, I was right. (I wasn't part of the 4th grade spelling bee team for nothing)

Maybe I should start writing again and stop using "being too happy" as an excuse. I should be celebrating life with words as well, narrating experiences and sensations.

Now I have to figure out how and where to start because far too much has happened. For now, all I can say is "my life has been overwhelming but good."

P.S. I have to update my icons. I've become a fan of a lot of things in such a short amount of time.

I remember the enthusiasm for the New Year kicking in during Christmas. Everyone could not wait for this year to be over because it was already too much to handle. This year, I believe, greatly challenged all of us mentally, spiritually, emotionally and physically. There were far too many tragedies, sudden deaths and other vengeful acts. The year tried to milk us of all our worth but you know what? It failed to do so.

When the world seemed to come down upon us, we all learned how to look within ourselves. As we did, we discovered that we are capable of standing up and facing what the world tries to slap us with. We discovered how our actions, though seemingly small, and voices, which we thought were always unheard, could actually make all the difference. As cheesy as it may sound, we helped each other out. We rekindled in each other a sense of hope.

The optimism is very evident. From Facebook statuses, tweets and blog entries, it is quite easy to tell that everyone, though bruised, has chosen to stand up, dust off the dirt and move along.

This year would have not been a decent one for me had it not been for the wonderful people in life. To my family, friends, fellow dancers and colleagues, you have all inspired me greatly in ways more than one. I pray that you all have a splendid new year because you deserve it. I pray that God will bless you with love, strength, hope, faith, happiness and good fortune. I pray that He will shower you with opportunities that will build your character and mold you into the person of greatness you were destined to be.

As I end the last and one of the few entries I wrote this year (I think I should go back to journal writing come 2010), I would again like to thank you and tell you that I love you with all my heart. I feel beyond blessed and privileged to be welcoming and celebrating 2010 with you.

Have a blessed New Year everyone!

A/N: DO NOT READ IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN IT YET.

I was as pre-pubescent as Harry, Ron and Hermione (I was a late bloomer, mmmkay?) when the first Harry Potter came out in 2001. Ever since that year, the excitement that came with knowing that another movie or book was about to be released had become a frequent visitor. I would have a book reserved weeks before copies hit the shelves. I would indulge myself with behind-the-scenes footages, TV spots, various trailer versions, fanfiction and phoots. I'd even re-read books with the hopes of realizing something new and getting lost in the magical wizarding world that Rowling has created more than a decade ago.

The year of the Half-Blood Prince was different. I avoided my yearly Potter indulgences, save for reading the sixth book yet again. It required conscious effort for me to resist watching new video links posted on Harry Potter communities. I wanted to make sure that the only HBP-related things I would see were posters and the official trailer/s. HBP definitely belongs to my Top 3 HP books and I wanted to surprise myself with how Yates, who did a pretty decent job with Order of the Phoenix, would treat the adaptation.

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Now that I've seen the movie, it's time to indulge myself with all the videos, trailers, fanfics, fan videos, photos, .gifs that I want. I'll be reading the seventh book and research on Horcuxes yet again. It's a worthwhile thing to do as I wait for the Deathly Hallows, the final installment, to come out.

You know what, despite not wanting the series to end, I still can't wait!