The one with cold hands.

I think this blog has seen enough of my rage/depression/bliss. So I'll make this post my last, I think. Any of you reading this no doubt know where to find me, so I'm not too concerned about any of you really losing track of me. I'll try to get back here and check in on all of you sometimes, but I wouldn't hope for any posts.

It's probably not surprising that I'm going to be stopping posting. It's been months since my last post, so it's unlikely I've crossed many minds lately.

I'm still dating the same guy I was dating in my last post. Still living with the same girl, though in a less sketchy apartment now. I'm also still working the same job, but I've recently gotten a second job, mostly because not living in a sketchy apartment means paying more rent.

I'll be convocating in January, and from there my plans are nebulous at best. Lately I've been thinking about leaving Canada for a while, just to see some of the world before I tie myself down to a career or more schooling or whatever I end up doing eventually. I've been debating teaching English as a second language in China or Japan, maybe South Korea. It's a relatively new idea, though, so I'm far from deciding anything. I want to begin the MLIS program somewhere in September 2012, but if I go through with the teaching, it will end up being 2013, I suspect.

To put it simply, I'm about to become fairly untethered, and I'm excited and impatient and intimidated and terrified. But I'll be around, I'm sure.

Wish me luck.

Things have happened. I tried to point-form it, since it's been most of a year since I last posted. Unfortunately, I can't make myself post it, due to not wanting to hurt anyone any more than I already have.

I live with a girl from choir now, and we're dating two boys who are best friends. I'm still in school, which I don't have enough time for right now, which is why I should be studying right now. I'm still working in the same store, and have been promoted to head cashier, which means earlier, longer, slightly more stressful shifts, and am scheduled for more days, but it's good for the money, at least.

It's my first night to just sit and think in a long time, which is why I'm writing this instead of studying for the midterm I have in two days. I also have a paper due that day that's researched but unwritten.

It's been a long semester, but it's flown by. I usually feel okay, but right now I just want to curl up in bed and forget everything. Not because everything has been bad, but because I can't always deal with the guilt, and when I'm alone and undistracted, the guilt tries to drown me.

I wish things could have gone differently, but I couldn't have stayed without hurting myself and you more than I have. I'm so sorry. I want you to be happy, and I want to be able to help that happiness, but I know that I can't, and you don't want me to try anymore. So here I am, back to late night posting because I have no other way to communicate with you.

If you ever read this, I want you to know how important you've been to me.

I really fucked it up this time, didn't I, my dear?

Please be okay.

I work in a little under nine hours, so of course now is a good time to start a post. Oh brain, you're so silly.

Geez, it's been a while, ne? I suppose an apology is in order, in case any of you were worried or curious or anything. Lots has happened since... September? I think? Yeah, that sounds right.

1. I moved in with Michael. We're in a fairly large basement suite, paying less than we should for the place because it's not in the best neighbourhood. It's pretty much constantly messy, and has been since we moved in. We vacuumed for the first time the other day, and got enough fur for an entire other cat. (Yes, Kaos came with me.) It certainly explained why Michael had been having more troubles breathing, what with the cat allergy. He's doing a bit better now, but he's still drugging himself every day. I appreciate that he's willing to do that so I can keep my cat with me; it would be better if I didn't feel a bit guilty for putting him in the position, but it was his idea for me to keep my cat instead of leaving him with my parents, so I try not to feel too bad.

I suppose I should mention that it's going well. We're not around much, but when we are, we usually end up watching tv shows and baking, so it's not so bad. It's also nice to wake up beside someone I love. So the few times I've gotten homesick, it went away fairly quickly.

2. School's been going okay. I missed an entire section on one of my finals and still managed a B+, so if I hadn't been full of fail, I would have had an A, which would have been awesome. I guess I'll just have to do better next semester. Also, I never have to do syntax again, huzzah!

3. Choir exec is a special activity. It largely involves sitting in the (apparently unheated) choir office during office hours, and sitting through meetings in which I have had very little input up to this point. My partner in Tour planning quit about a month ago, so we had an emergency bi-election to replace her. So everything has to get done in the second semester, oh joy. At least I've booked the buses, though I have to call the bus company back to get a quote and maybe make a deposit. I doubt the deposit will be necessary until March or so, but it would be good to know for certain. I just really want it all to be planned and ready for us to go, which isn't about to happen. Le sigh.

4. Work is going well. I really enjoy the people at the new store, and there are fewer managerial issues, so that's lovely. I'm only on a seasonal contract (due to said managerial issues, rawr) and have no idea if I'll be kept on after the middle of January, so I suppose I should probably start looking for a new place to work. We'll see how this goes.

5. I've been listening to too much Sarah Slean again lately. It's a dangerous way to spend time. Leads to far too much speculation. Oh well. Maybe it's just a sign that I need new music. Suggestions?

Other than that, I suppose I'm excited for school to start again. Theoretically, I'll finally have time to get back into the gaming group, which would be a bloody miracle, since I haven't been in months. Of course, I'm pretty sure they're all kind of pissed at me, with the possible exception of Tom, so I'm kind of afraid to go back. We'll see if that works out at all. I won't lie, I feel guilty as hell for never making time for it in the past few months, but it's been a stupidly busy few months, and I am sometimes an avoidant wimp, so it's not really surprising, I guess.

It'll be nice to have a proper schedule again, though. None of this scheduling me for random shifts at any time of day, on any day. Blech, mornings.

And I should really make some new year's resolutions. To stop being such an avoidant wimp, maybe? Sure, that's a good plan. I'll aim for that one. Now, time for bed, and work in the morning. (Seriously, morning shifts and I don't get along. This is a terrible plan.)

I'll be moving into Edmonton at the beginning of October. My last official day with my current store is October 3, though we're looking at getting me transferred to one of the Edmonton stores instead of terminating my connection to the company. I need to remember to call the Whyte Ave store.

The problem is that I need a pay raise if I'm going to stay with the company. I'm barely making more than minimum wage after over a year. If I can't get at least $10/hr, I'm going to have to consider other companies. I should probably avoid bookstores, to be honest, since my paycheques tend to disappear back into the company. Unfortunately, my back still causes me enough pain that I can't really work as a waitress or hostess or what have you. I refuse to work in fast food or clothing retail. I probably need to be able to sit down fairly often, at least on some days. This leaves... well, grocery stores, maybe, and a few other places. I can get by a while with no job, but I'd feel a lot more comfortable with a steady income. So we'll see what happens.

At this point, I'm just ready to get my stuff moved and get on with life. I'm going to miss my store, and the people who make it fun. That said, I'm excited to get away from the frustration that is my work, and working in St. Albert in general. Not to mention getting away from St. Albert transit. Yeesh. (Buses were 20 minutes late today. All day. No reason was given.) I had to get a friend to drive me in to choir tomorrow. He's not even in the choir.

Right, yes, choir. Still in it. Actually, in pretty much everything about it. I'm still leading my section (for now, at least), as well as being on exec and playing hand bells. It's a little ridiculous, but choir has basically become the center of my social activities, and it's only been two years so far. It'll be an interesting year.

So I've been doing through some of the music on the main computer, trying to figure out how much of it is going to be coming with me. Looks like most of it, honestly. It's a bit ridiculous how much we've managed to collect in the six or seven years in which we've had it. It's a little frustrating, to be honest, but I'll get it done eventually.

On a vaguely related note, the new Dala seems pretty good so far. Probably going to see them on the 1st. Also, The Hold Steady on the 21st. Possibly something else before I move and no longer have disposable income? We'll see.

I got my wisdom teeth out at the end of August. I only have stitches left in one of the four holes, and they're really bothering me. I'm tempted to trim them, or pull them out, or something. Anything. They're so frustrating. Sigh. No complications as of yet, so knock on wood for that to remain the same. They found a cyst under one of the wisdom teeth, so they'll let me know if they discover anything interesting about it.

Also, Jackie chopped off all my hair in August. Well, not all. Half. It's now shoulder-length with a lot of layers, and bangs, which is a crazy change for me. People have been not-recognizing me all month. It's both amusing and a bit frustrating. It also takes time to style, so sometimes it looks a bit terrifying, when I haven't had time to do anything with it. But I'm slowly learning to create time for hair.

I also appear to have developed an issue with my nose in the past couple of days. It's constantly leaking. I suspect allergies, though I've no idea why that would start now, apparently at random. We'll see if it goes away or gets worse. Sigh. Kleenex is not nice to my nose, historically speaking.

Anywho. Choir in under eight hours. Must be bedtime.

(Also, I am reading everyone else' posts. I just never reply because I am a lurking lurker. See me lurk.)

Today's been one of the most productive I've had in a while.

After getting home from a quasi-successful shopping trip, during which I picked up new choir shoes to replace my choir/work shoes that are gross and not really stage-ready anymore, I changed into pyjama shorts. I was going to shower, but I decided I should do something a little more productive first. So I grabbed a garbage bag and emptied the drawers of my bathroom into them. Those drawers hadn't been emptied since I was around the age of seven, so this is a fairly major (and disgusting) event for the state of my bathroom.

I was going to shower after that, but I decided it wasn't good enough, so I considered organizing my newly messed-up bookshelf. It didn't seem like a proper continuation, though, so I went back to the bathroom and started cleaning off the counters. I eventually ended up emptying out the shelves and throwing most of that out as well. I haven't gotten under the counter yet, but that's what I'll be doing in the next twenty minutes. I honestly don't know what most of the stuff under there is, nor do I know why it's there. So I'll be needing another garbage bag, effectively.

I realized part of why it's taken so long for me to empty those drawers, though. They smell. I don't know how it happened, or why they smell so strongly of whatever that scent is, but it's gross and I always feel a little bit of gagging as I deal with them. Currently I have them airing out on the deck in the backyard, but we'll see if that helps. I'm not counting on it. Unfortunately, the area under the counter and sink smells much the same, since they're all connected and shared the same air. So we'll see if I can find the source and get rid of it. Otherwise, the air filter will be staying in there, possibly under the sink, until it goes away.

The next step is to start helping my dad rip away the tiles around the bathtub, since he hasn't done more than one side and the top row of another. My dad is like me, and needs a little push sometimes to get things done, so if I start working on it, he'll likely pick it up when I go shower.

So yeah. Productivity, woo.

And tomorrow I may drive a motorcycle for the first time. I'm not terribly excited by the fact, but I want to drive a Vespa, which means it will be much cheaper to insure my driving said Vespa if I have a class 6 license. So... we'll see how that goes. Fingers crossed that I don't break anything.

I think that's the most exciting information for now. Yay clean! (Boo chemically-dried hands.)

Edit McEditson: So I emptied out the area underneath the sink, left the drawers out for de-stinking, and took a shower. When I finished my shower, I came downstairs, emptied the dishwasher and put baking soda all over the drawers because my mother figures this will make the smell go away. My hopes are low. Now I plan to straighten my hair, then fix the pile of clothes that have been sitting at the bottom of my closet waiting for repair. I don't know where this frenzy came from, but it's damn useful.

Also, I plan to make frames for all the art I've been building up and leaving on the floor or sticky-tacked to my wall for the past few years, then I plan to put it all up in my room, or maybe in the living room for some of them. We'll see! But yeah, seriously bemused by this random energy surge.

Yay, alive!

That thing. That I am.

Yes.

Anywho. Classes ended, my grades are A, A-, B+, B+, and B. Should be better. Could be worse.

Choir tour was... beyond proper description. I made excellent friends, and got to know some people I've wanted to know much better. I still have the occasional dream about being on tour, with those 80 new best friends.

Still working. Possibly getting into a new gaming group of choir people, since my gaming from pre-winter semester hasn't been fitting into my schedule in months, and they're breaking for the summer anyway (effectively, at least). Something about Old West and zombies, or somesuch. It'll be fun.

Birthday coming up. Of course, the choir exec retreat is on the day of my birthday, so the best I'll be able to get is perhaps cake (or preferably pie) at the retreat (AKA hanging out at someone's house). I'm hoping to do something the day before, but we'll see. Otherwise, festivities will have to wait until the week after.

Wisdom teeth will be coming out June 30th. I'm just hoping everything goes well and I'll be able to eat foodstuffs properly within a couple of days. Also, not looking forward to having to think about what I'm eating again. Stupid braces. Oh well.

Things going well. Reading lots. Trying not to let the book-I-thought-would-be-fluff-but-wasn't that I read yesterday get me down. So far, reading Shanna Swanson is definitely making up for it. Also, more Cream Earl Grey is always much appreciated. I lurve that tea.

Anywho. Back to reading/hiding from the world. If you're reading this, chances are good that I heart you, so you should smile.

(Also, Oren Lavie reminds me of David Sylvian. That is all.)

You.
Can.
Only.
Type.
One.
Word.

Not as easy as you might think. Remember: one word answers to the following 34 questions.

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And now, I should probably at least try to go to bed. Sigh. If only I hadn't had that nap this afternoon.

Sometimes it's fantastic to have friends like Torrey who can point me in the direction of excellent songs and videos.

Edit: This is fanastic, like postsecret with a focus on love. I can only imagine all the stories that are behind each one.

You know, usually when I'm in emotional pain, it's because of something that's happened to me.

This week has been crap for a lot of people. It was mediocre for me, but a lot of people have been made really unhappy this week. I feel really, truly bad about it, because I can't help any of them. Not really. I can be there, and I can try to be a source of joy, but it's so useless.

Tonight, however, the pain I'm in is from Doctor Who. I know, it's such a ridiculous thing to be hurt by, considering the magnitude of crap going on. But I watched the end of season two tonight. I cried for ten minutes at the end of the last episode. Cried. Tears. Choking. It makes my eyes water to think about it now, two hours later. Ow.

So I'm going to listen to the song Jackie linked to until I'm done online, then I'm going to listen to some Sarah Harmer and curl up with my cat and try to pretend pain like that doesn't exist. People don't really get torn apart before they can say goodbye. People don't really ruin each other's lives. People don't really give reasons to cry.

Then I'm going to sleep, and if I can manage to get through the morning and out of the house, I'll be fine. I just need to get through that door.

But oh God. Ow. Ow ow ow.

Please just make everything better. Someone, somewhere, please fix it all.

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