FINDING YOUR SOUL-MATE
We are all born with the instinct that someone special is just waiting to meet us -- that perfect person who loves every band, movie, book, food, and vacation spot that we do. Are the chances so slim that we may never find this elusive soul-mate? Here are some tips:
Select Your Soul-Mate From Those Few People Immediately Surrounding You
Don't assume for a nanosecond that out of 6 billion people, your soul-mate must be living on the other side of the planet. I am sure you have imagined him or her shouting obscenities in a foreign language while kicking a jackknifed, busted-up donkey cart full of sunburned soybeans -- all the while praying it's not in the crosshairs of a 30mm automatic gun (a deadly punch of 1200 rounds of ammunition!) mounted on the side of an Apache Helicopter flown by inbred high-school drop-outs who think they'll live long enough to get college money for gunning down civilians. You may also have had the thought that since souls are immortal, maybe your soul-mate has already come and gone from this earth centuries ago! No problem, dude. Soul-mates are just a myth, anyway. Find the closest, genetically-correct person you can get along with and fool yourself into believing they are your soul-mate. This works great in small towns. Where should you begin? Who are you looking for? I'll tell you... Perhaps it's that cute guy with the spiked hair and nose-ring who works at the coffee shop. Perhaps it's that mysterious girl that hangs out in the Astrology section in Barnes & Noble. Or perhaps it's that same loser girl that you dated in high school who fucked all your best friends. And perhaps not. Who cares? The point is, if you can manage to have sex with most of the people in your small town, you are guaranteed to find your soul-mate. I promise.
Settle Down With Someone Simple That You Can Manipulate
Whether they be young, naive, inexperienced, or just plain dumb -- it will be to your advantage to pair yourself up with someone who is not able to think way up on your level. People who are safe, harmless, and boring are easy to control. They will go along with anything you plan and surrender to your every whim. You will be able to dish out an endless variety of unfathomable demands and they will not even bother to question you. He / she will look up to you and be thankful that you are so great and still willing to give of yourself. You'll be able to do things behind his / her back and he / she won't mind a bit. You will be able to keep your clueless counterpart content by entertaining the mistaken notion that there really is some kind of meaning behind all the chocolates and roses you provide on Valentine's Day. Life is, after all, according to Theodore Dreiser, a "god-damned, stinking treacherous game, and 999 out of 1000 men are bastards." Thus, your chances of survival in this game depend on finding someone who will not sense your true, selfish intentions. This phenomenon is what can be called, "Finally Finding A Good Person." It sure is relaxing to be able to lower your defenses, isn't it?
Make Your Own Happiness Secondary To The Maintenance Of The Relationship
Boy meets girl, boy quits music, girl goes nuts and starts fucking all his friends. Repeat.
Don't Marry Someone You Are In Love With / Practice Spiritual Polygamy
There is no way that one person is going to be able to fulfill your every desire. You are going to have to draw varying degrees and types of energy from a multitude of sources. You have to, of course, marry someone who is financially stable -- but real romantic love is meant to be an escape from your normal routine; it is meant to shake you up, turn your insides into drooling vats of endorphinized mush, slap you in the face with the business end of a shit-filled shovel, and even inspire you to try new things and think new thoughts once in a while. You must therefore relegate your carnal passions to the sphere of covert affairs. Passion is a destructive force, and must not be allowed to penetrate into your daily life. Indeed, the very threads of the Prime Material Social Dimension may instantly evaporate from under your feet if you are not careful! You need to be able to concentrate on ritualistic patterns such as shopping for groceries, walking the dog, and raking leaves in the yard without having the nagging memory of the last cleverly romantic thing your lover said to you this morning. That stuff is for the bedroom; be serious. For the bulk of your daily time, you need to concentrate on structure and being productive. Remember this simple fact: starting at age 18, you have an average of 23,725 days to live as an adult on this planet. Do you really think it is possible to be sexually / romantically attracted to only one human being for that many days in a row, assuming you live that long? I think you catch my drift.
Think Of Your Partner As A Tool To Accomplish Other Things
The essence of romance is inconvenience. Yes, you heard that right. "The more you suffer, the more it shows you really care." Ah, I see you remember that hit single by the Offspring! Very good. Now then: that clever ditty reminds us that the degree to which Person A is willing to be inconvenienced is the degree to which Person B will care for Person A. This is how we arrive at the concept of chivalry or "courtesy towards women." (Notice that there is no counterpart for the word chivalry denoting "courtesy towards men," and for obvious reasons...) In essence, to get to my point: Men show that they care by opening doors for women. In return, women show that they care by scrubbing a man's toilet vigorously each day, breasts bare and covered in a minty-clean foam frothing from their under-parts as they squat and squeeze. What a perfect world it is! Each of these mechanical tasks represent the innerly-encoded archetypes of the two sexes / genders, and balance one another. This is a solid foundation for romantic love. However, on a grander scale, we must see greater potential in our partners. Perhaps we can look a little closer and see a nurturing tendency in our mate which would allow us to pursue a more proper education, change careers, or live our most wild of entrepreneurial dreams! Of course, upon bringing these pipe-dreams into reality, it is necessary to jettison the now scorched platform of a temporary life-partner for bigger and better things, based on nothing but the sanctity of our unshakable pillars of independence! Sorry, Charlie!
Think Of Your Relationship As A Business
Regardless of what you may have been taught, life is about owning a house and paying bills. Find someone with a plentiful cash-flow so that you can start building a small empire. It's a hell of a lot easier if you have a partner. Go out together and purchase new cars, shop for a collection of expensive promotion-guaranteeing work clothes, apply for as many credit cards as possible, and invest in several "pet" and "child" life-forms that will tie you both down so you can't stray too far from your routine. Implement deeply-consequential long-range plans in your mid-20's that show you have learned everything you need to know to contribute to your own Microcosmic Construct of Temporary Western Civilization. (NOTE: Guard this sacred construct with your life. It is a well-known fact that this collection of favorable socio-financial conditions can only be simulated once.) This is what I mean by success. A recent study at Clark-Altlanta University showed that 78% of all adults suffering from Peter Pan Syndrome would prefer the option of role-playing a new class, "Yuppie," in the popular game, Advanced Dungeons & Dragons. Why waste your time with fantasies of being a 35th-Level Arch-Wizard and biting the head off a Naga when you could be attaining astonishing levels of spiritual enlightenment with The DaVinci Code and Bastardized Yoga For Rich People? It is important that you give your entire life to Corporate America so that you can afford nice bookcases for books you don't have the time or inclination to read anyway. They sure do look nice on the wall, though! This will impress your mate's family members; they will know you and trust that you are normal enough to fit in at the BBQ. You will look back on your life when you are 65 and be glad that all you cared about was buying lots of expensive stuff and appearing as the epitome of nebulous success -- as opposed to spending your money on doing exciting things that were spiritually meaningful to you. What is a marriage, anyhow, but a business permit? Let's get some money flowing in, shall we?
Fight Over Trivial Details And Superfluities
Did you forget to close the fridge this morning? Did you not put the scissors back where I like them to be? Did you dust the window sill in the bathroom like I asked you? Can you name all six of the puppeteers who controlled Jabba The Hut? I rest my case.
Fill All Remaining Non-Sexual Activity-Time With Amusements
When you are not engaging in extremely pleasurable and fulfilling sex, you will find that there is little else to do with your partner besides routine chores. Escape from the resulting boredom of your limited interest in each other's souls / minds and indulge in something meaningless like gossip and board games. It is important that you find someone who does not take life all that seriously. There are only so many conversations you can have with one person about Art As A Concretization of Metaphysics or Independence As A Primary Orientation To Reality. I mean, come on. If you find yourself in this situation, simply introduce recreational drugs or senselessly violent movies and video games. If, however, you are unable to get him or her to lighten up and wear a silly hat or even play with the ever-nostalgic Lite-Brite, separate from your partner immediately. Go out and find someone else that is immediately more entertaining -- it's as easy as flipping channels on the television. Good thing we learned that habit at a young age, huh? If you are female, you may find that dressing up and going out dancing at least 4-5 times a week with your "gay guy" friends until 4 a.m. will help you climb out of that stagnant rut. If you are male, stay home and jack off while fantasizing about recording epic metal albums in Sweden.
Date As Many People As Possible To Desensitize Yourself
The time will eventually come when you are going to sleep around a lot and lose your naivety about love. This not only helps in educating you on the finer points of intimate physical mating habit-techniques (making your abdominal muscles that much more of a selling point); it also teaches you that there is nothing truly unique in any one person out there. Make sure you don't like anyone 100%; this would be an impractical and unhealthy obsession, and does not belong in the grown-up world. You will come to experience a true sense of mature, adult power by walking away from any relationship at the drop of a hat. As it is, we are only here in this physical body for a short amount of time, and we must do what we can to make sure we are not too bored.
-Sir Millard Mulch
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