-HaYwIrE-

THIS JOURNAL IS FRIENDS ONLY.
sorry i didn't have a banner. it will be up soon...

i've just gotten back from my hairdresser's. yeah. just got my hair cut. but not lovin' it at all. ugh.
oh yeah exam started yesterday. will end tomorrow which i can't wait.

how can i be happy to let go something that made me smile? how can i leave something that taught me with the thing called life? how can i?
i know i can't. but lets pretend that i can. bc i'll be leaving anyway :(

so, today was chemistry paper 2 and maths paper 2. both sucked but got through with and hate to see the results next three weeks. ugh. actually, exams don't suck so bad. it's the results that is sick.
and yes, i'm actually worried. because if my results are bad, meaning i don't have my band life anymore which u know what will happen if i don't have it.
there's something that happened today, but well, i'll tell more tomorrow. my good mood just came by, so, i don't really wanna change it.

this morning, i went to school at 7 am (the time i normally go)...and it was damn dark. and everybody was like sitting outside and chatting. but i went up to class anyway. lol.

i was in the middle of my exam and i fell asleep. silly me. i slept till the exam finished. and the teacher was like "the exam is over. please stop writing and put down ur pen." and my dear friend went "the exam is over. please WAKE UP!" but i didn't realize, so, whatever...lol.hah!

i just go to know that my dear dad went to see the principal to talk complain about me. WTF. twice and i didn't know till now. ARGH. and he was saying the band was taking too much of my time and  that i wouldn't even care about what's happening at home. as if they needed me at home. oh yea, to get mad at - that's the use of me. plus, they were mad at me, so why should i be home and here more yellings. they're suppose to at least support what i like and be thankful that i don't really lie for something bad. he was making something that i really love (the band) looked really bad and said it all to the principal. something that can make me happy and they're trying to take it away from me? i SO don't need any of this during this time! and i don't even know what else he has been talking complaining about. i am afraid that he probably mentioned the u-know-what habits too. i am so pissed off right now i can't think properly. they even said i am worst than my bigger sister who created a whole lot of problems backin high school. maybe they're right. i am the bad one. i am the mean one. i am the stupid one. i am not the kind of daughter they want. so, are they happy now that they're right?

i hate all of them. ugh. maybe that's the reason i am who i am now with the u-know-what habits.

18th of may wasn't bad at all. i must consider getting myself something. any ideas?

okay. so, tomorrow is the 18th and it's my birthday but i'm not that excited because my birthday is going to be just like any normal day. i don't really give a fuck about my birthday, anyway. well, the sample for the t-shirts we designed came in and it was just a medium wow. i will probably post pics of them after the orders comes in which would be around next week so that u guys could see how it end up. thanks to my sister's digicam too. lol.

anyway, the reason why i'm not excited is because everyone in the house is all mad at me yesterday that i couldn't and didn't want to sleep. it's like there's no one supporting me at all. and that feeling sucks. my big sis is suppose to be covering up for me and then would later advice me but she turned and even added in with my parents. that's so sick. ughh.

the end.

well, my life is officially controlled by the she i told u guys about. she is sweet by saying she loves everyhting about me (so that i don't change anything about me like getting my hair done, contact lenses or anything) but well, i hate people controlling what i do. now, i can't even talk and be close to my other close friends. she'll just be mad and won't talk to me for the rest of the day. i didn't want to burden her with this problem and i want to let her be happy because she has a whole lot of problems already at home but sometimes this is too much.
i have to be what she wanted me to be and do things that'll make her happy that by the way make me feel VERY miserable inside. i can't be myself. and i hated that. but i can't do anything and i don't fucking know why i can't. ARGH.
maybe i'm just too nice by not telling her the truth that she's actually hurting me deep inside. maybe it's because i think thoroughly of the consequences if i do so. and i know it's not a happy ending so that's why i didn't do it. if i do that, she'll be alone and i don't want her to live alone. why do i always think about other people ahead of myself?????!! i get frustrated by that question because there's no answer.
and she wouldn't let me use my way of releasing the tension (and she doesn't even know why...i didn't want her to know). and that's the only way. so, i did it anyway and never let her know or see it.
am i doing the right thing?
and for the person i'm talking about : "if u're reading this or if u ever read this, i'm so sorry for not telling u...but i hope u'll understand. u told me to be honest and u'll accept it no matter what, so, this is the truth."

my computer fucked up, that's why i didn't online since last week.

life isn't horrible. it does not suck either. but to have to deal with is just unbearable. if silence is wrong, why is there even that word in the first place. if both options have the same results then why should i choose anyway. if care is a word, then why isn't it happening. if happy and sad isn't the same thing, why does it feel like it is? being just fine is wrong, being really fine is also wrong, so what kind of fine is fine to u? if following u is wrong and not following u is wrong, then why is leaving u is also wrong? if i can't punish myself for the wrongs, why is it that u suddenly care? if u say something meanigful, please fulfil it. if u tell me something, make sure i tell u something in return or it means someone's not okay. if i could say something that would change the whole world, it would be i love u into i hate u. if not expressing ur thoughts is wrong, then the world is going to end up all haywired with everyone's thoughts. if this particular entry is stupid, then i would agree it is. if this particular entry makes u think, then i would be proud of it. if this particular entry make things change, it would probably not be me.

-me being my random self with all the IFs and WHYs-

i'll be gone for a while...i'm gonna go sleep over in my friend's house. so, i'll be back in a day or two. i'll get to ur journals as soon as i get back. (she doesn't have an internet connection at home...dang...)

i'll have fun, i promise. LOL.

>>entry with pics<<

today was kind of okay. i stayed back at school with my friends to think of an idea to make a good luck card. we band members tend to wish each other good luck no matter what year u are in. it's tradition. and i'm the one that'll be designing it. they always say that i'm the best at designing and papers and drawing and whatsoever. haha. but i don't think so.

anyway, i need u guys to help me. give me a title of a video clip that's sad. i mean, that can make u cry whenever u watch it or maybe songs would be fine. Thanks!! <3

and i got a cd from my friend that is full with pics. guess where would all of that go? haha! i'll post them later. <3