So funny to be writing in this again... it seems I write in it every six months or so now a days. Nothing new here just getting ready for the Holiday season at the Turrell House. Today we are having Thanksgiving before everyone starts leaving for break. Senior year is similiar to Senior year of high school - just a holding pattern and wait before you ask NO i do not know what I am going to do next year and I am OK with that. I am all for being flexible and spontaneous there is nothing holding me ANYWHERE so I can go ANYWHERE I want and do ANYTHING i want to. So beat that
At your darkest moments, you feel guilty. At work and school, you do best when you're researching. When you love someone, you tend to agree with them often.
In friendship, you are considerate and compromising. Your ideal careers are: business, research, counseling, promotion, and speaking. You will leave your mark on the world with discoveries, new information, and teaching people to dream.
For you, learning a language is about career advancement and communication. Knowing Spanish will bring you tons of possiblities for jobs and travel. Bárbaro!
You have the natural talent of rocking the boat, thwarting the system. And while this may not seem big, it can be. It's people like you who serve as the catalysts to major cultural changes. You're just a bit behind the scenes, so no one really notices.
You're a little vain, but more than anything you have a healthy amount of confidence. Thinking the world of yourself is great. Just don't think less of those who aren't as pretty as you!
Wow so I haven't updated in umm a long time to say the least. I forget that I still have this thing. Honestly what happened to the days that I wrote in this 4 times a day. For the first time in a long time I have a moment. I just finished a test and since my next class is right next door and it's kinda cold out, so I am sitting here in the hallway procrastinating. Not a whole lot is up with me, my sorority essentially takes over my life where school ends. I am now president that just brings on a whole bunch of new worries. I am writing my senior thesis, which isn't going so smoothly. I was supposed to have a concrete topic last week, I am still working on that one, but I honestly spent every waking minute this past weekend not to mention the last two weeks trying to refine it. Starting to stress on that a little. I am looking for an internship either this summer or next Fall so I don't know if I am going to be home this summer. Plans for spring break - well they are a little shaky at the moment. But the plan is to take a road trip to Florida stopping at cool places like the biggest ball of twine and where the cabbage patch kids are born (no lie it's really cool) and then staying with one of my sisters who I have never met in Orlando and then driving back a different way and stoping at places like South of the Border. Then I am going to try to make it home for my brother's 18th birthday and stay for like a day. Alright, not gonna lie I should be reading right now and I am getting a little bored with lj so I am gonna go
Ok so I haven't used livejournal in a long time to bitch and complain about something but as I have no one really to bitch and complain to at the moment I figured lj was an ok place. I don't want any kind of sympathy and no one has to read past this point but just writing this down in a word document is not nearly as satisfying for some reason. Ok so life sucks right now, which granted it could suck a lot worse and everything but for me, right now sucks. So today my grandma went into a hospice house which in all reality is the best place for her. I haven't decided yet if I have come to terms with the fact that she is dying and who knows how long she has left and that I am 99.9% sure that I will never actually see her again but I was always really close with her and I don't know how I am going to deal with the fact that I will never be able to actually talk to her and have her talk back again. Which in and of itself is really scary. Yes, I am 20 and essentially an adult but at this moment in time I don't feel like one. On top of my grandma dying my mom is down in Florida with her which is where she is supposed to be and she won't come back until something drastic happens which is understandable and I totally don't blame her for doing it. However it does leave me doing everything that she does plus what I do on top of it because god forbid that my dad or brother would do something. Which even though my mother says I don't have to I feel like I should just so she doesn't have to come back to it whenever it is she is coming back. And I wouldn't feel so bad doing it all if I liked my dad or brother as people either. I genuinely dislike them because of who they are and what they do. I feel like I am getting attacked from all sides because they keep saying hurtful things and I mean they leave their dirty shit around expecting me to clean it up, which I want to rebel and say NO WAY IN HELL AM I GOING TO PICK UP YOUR SHIT, however I can't leave it because if I do the place will be a pit when my mom does come back. And I get told that for once in my life I am doing something domestic when I ask them however bitchily to help out a little like putting their dirty dishes in the dishwasher...and I just want to tear their eyes out I am so mad. And my dad picks this moment to behave like an absolute imbecile and to be a jerk. Saying stupid, mean, and hurtful things to me and my brother. And I know I can't go to my mom with any of this because that isn't fair but it is so awful here. Not to mention that we are supposed to be moving into the new house maybe next week which leaves me to pack everything and clean everything because no one else will on top of me doing my internship and working at victoria's secret...between the two I work over 40 hours a week. Plus my internship paper is coming up and I have no time to write it. Not to mention I haven't completed enough hours to really write it. I feel like I have no one to talk to. My best friend from home is away in Maine for the week, not that I would really talk to her about it if she were here. The person I usually go to about this stuff is my mom and I can't now because I know its not fair. And I am just god damned lonely. All I want to do is up and leave here because it is intolerable. Part of me wants to just go to Florida, but could I handle that ... probably not. And I could technically go to Jersey but what about my internship and job. Plus I couldn't leave my dog here at the mercy of my father and brother. It's like an awful conundrum and I just want my mom. But for me to have my mom my grandmother has to be gone. It's just awful. I am ready to explode. I feel like I have no escape that everytime I move I am letting someone down. And I just want to talk to my mom about it but can't because I don't want her to feel guilty for being there and not here. I just don't know what to do. Each day is going by so slowly. It's like the awful feeling I had at the end of last semester. But worse, so much worse. I feel so alone.
Sophomore Year at good ol' SHU has come essentially to an end. With only four more finals to be completed by Thursday I feel that the time is right to go over the highlights and low points of this past year. For my sophomore year as with my entire college experience I came into it having high expectations and plans that were completely blown all to hell once I started actually living it. My plans were neither ruined in good ways nor bad ways, but they were ruined none-the-less. This year I have been pushed to limits I thought unimaginable and have come out of each situation more mature, more adult, and hopefully a better person because of it. Yes there are still the petty things but then again there always will be. I have done things I never would have and taken risks (even small) ones like I never believed I would. I go into every situation thinking I know what I am getting myself into and thinkig that I have a plan and this year was no different. Then pledging happened. I thought I was happy in my little bubble that was Cabrini and my suite but apparently I needed more. I am a firm beleiver that everything happens for a reason. I went through 6 of the hardest weeks, but by no means were they not bearable. I met a bunch of awesome people, who have been there for me when I needed them the most. I took all my little plans and threw them up in the air for these wonderful people and am happy to say I don't regret it one bit. During these hard weeks, my grandfather passed away, he was the first of my grandparents and the closest person to me that I have ever had to deal with passing away. Not that I was very close to him or anything like that, but he was still my grandparent and I miss the way he was when I was little, but what it really brought home to me was how much I was going to miss my parents once they too pass away. I know it is morbid, but my mom is really my best friend, I go to her for everything and I think I would cease to function should she ever leave. Pledging ended. I discovered school really isn't the end all (I know I am a little slow on the uptake), sometimes other things can come first. So I thought that coming back to school for the spring semester would be the best time of my life, boy was I ever wrong. Again my plans fell through. I can't tell you another time in my life if I have ever felt so hurt and alienated by people who I thought were my nearest and dearest. I got pushed out, always on the outside looking in never the other way around. Always the conveinent person never the first. You would think that pledging was the hardest thing of the year, or my grandfather's death, no it was the alienation of my school "family" that made my life at SHU unbearable. To believe that you have found your niche and to fall through it is the WORST feeling I could ever imagine. To feel like you have found your place and then to find that it was never yours to begin with that you were just holding it for someone else hurts so much. However, I feel I have come out of it a better person, if not more cynical. I have a beautiful house to live in next year with three wonderful people...but as much as I want everything to work perfectly I know nothing is perfect so I am taking my new found cynicism to heart and holding no expectations, I am done with planning. Everything happens for a reason right? So it should happen without me planning it. Life doesn't happen the way you want it to. Some times you just have to suck up and put up. That is my life lesson of the year kids, plans don't work.
So kids... I have a house... well I have rented a house officially with three of my friends and today we moved stuff in. We were literally at the house 7 or 8 times today. The house consist of three floors, top floor - three bedrooms and a bathroom, main floor- living room, dining room, newly redone kitchen, and downstairs is the finished basement (my room) with own entrance, bathroom, and closet, there is also hook up for the washer and dryer there too. The floors are all hardwood now with rugs. The living room has a matching couch and recliner chair, a candlelabra on our mantle of our working fireplace, and a tv stand. The dining room has a free hutch (aka our classy bar), table and chairs. Oh did I mention the porch and deck? oh well there is that too, and our security system... in other words the place is gorgeous and we are very happy. Tomorrow we are off to another estate sale :)
cynical