🌹✞ La petite pucelle ✞🌹

LJ is not working for many US users, and there are rumors going around that it's dead for good, although that's obviously not the case. I needed to use a VPN to get in. If you never see your American friends on here again, that's why. They think it's over.

Unless I can find a free VPN for my laptop or desktop PC, that means I will likely not use this journal anymore. I was looking forward to sharing photos of my old place, and writing about the move now that it's complete, but it's too hard to do on my phone. I can type at 100+ WPM but I hate texting.

I suspect a DDOS attack. It is some kind of server issue. I'll try to contact support, but after 4 days they might know about it already. If they do, it's either a complicated issue or they don't care about their US userbase anymore. I remember it used to take days to resolve DDOS attacks back when it was still active. Maybe it's not a priority for them, but I would still come back even if it took a month.

Well, I made that post I said I was going to make on egl.

While making it, I thought it would be fun to look up old links and include them because I'm a big nerd who needs every last detail.

I saw a bunch of my old writing, and suddenly realized why people thought I was stupid and were so mean to me back then...

I was just having fun, ok?! It was a purer time. Being old is stupid.

At the same time, I thought I was pretty chill, cool, and not like those annoying "other" girls. Weird how I just had no sense of self-awareness...

There were a lot of things that were weird about me back then, which is probably why all my friend groups exploded and left me alone. Oh well. I didn't become less weird, just more aware of how weird I naturally am and how to hide it. Maybe this is why I have task paralysis most days...maybe I've masked so hard, I've masked myself out of my own life. Haha somehow that's a really funny thought. Was I supposed to laugh?

I'm in a really bad mood today, so I probably shouldn't analyze this further 🙃

All of my lolita clothes are packed, so I won't be able to wear anything for ILD after all this. I hope I've done my part in keeping the spirit alive via other means.

I got curious about winter coords...looks like Hellbunny still has my coat in stock, so maybe I'll buy one in November for the next ILD.

Then again, if I'm going to spend that much, maybe I should just get an actual brand coat on Wunderwelt. I bought the one from Hellbunny back when buying a single item from Japan would have cost me $400. I hope the low stock is just because it's summer, and not because I just happened to get there when they're almost out of the whole design.

I'm really sorry to anyone who has been waiting for a response from me, especially rock_dinosaur whom I enjoy chatting with. I spend most of my relax time on my phone, and there's no app for LJ that I can find. I'm also gearing up to full-throttle moving mode. I'm trying to get out early to escape my neighbors... more on that later.

I was just reading something about Catholicism that made me very sad about the 20 years I spent as a Pagan witch. All that time searching, as if I'd forgotten where my home was. But my parents took me out of the church as a child, so it was all just my attempt to regain control of my spirituality...

A lot of things that burned me would never have touched me if I had remained Catholic my whole life. But I also would not have learned the lessons I did. I wonder if they were worth it.

It's very important for me to be part of a community that embodies qualities I admire or adore. I don't like talking directly to people or building a bunch of relationships, so this is the way I feel connected to humanity. I guess I did fit the goth witch sterotype for awhile, though. I don't know if this new life fits me as profoundly well as I feel like it does, or if I'm just too excited to notice the ways in which I don't perfectly fit here, too.

The things that feel like a better match are matters of values and personality, things that don't really change in a person. Maybe I am onto something and it's not just excitement. Or maybe I am just focused on a few things, but things that matter more than personal style or opinion.

I just realized something important about how I socialize with people!

I don't like chatting, asking questions, chasing people, going out for drinks, smalltalk, or anything that is typically used to form bonds between people, so I just thought I didn't like people and didn't like socializing...

... but I thought to myself, I do like to feel connected to people, especially in a way that revolves around my favorite interests...

... and then I realized I love sharing things. Anything that makes me happy, I want to share with anyone and everyone.

Sharing is how I connect with people! That's it!

That's why I want to give things away to someone else who would like them. That's why I want to cook for people when I find a good recipe, or take them to an amazing restaurant I found.

That's why I get addicted to social media and share funny videos and memes like crazy XD

That's why I want to introduce my friends to each other and let them be friends, too. (Then they find out there's someone similar enough to them but less weird than me, so they don't need me anymore...)

I realized that the way I do this is so outwardly impersonal that it could be perceived as selfishly imposing on others... it's really hard to share to the full extent that I would like to, lol. Most people don't want random crap they didn't ask for, don't want to meet their friends' friends, etc. Also people think it's weird if you do this and you're not their friend XD

MY SOCIAL LIFE MAKES SO MUCH SENSE NOW

Trying to recover from a serious illness, crack the mystery to what it was, finish the album that was pushed off by said illness, and also plan a move entirely by myself is... pretty damn hard. I dare say impossible. Especially when basic living is its own flavor of hard already.

I really don't know what I'm going to do. Everyone is going to be so disappointed in me if I don't have a perfect move and let go of my health, but I'm going to be very disappointed in me if I don't finish my album. It's always the thing I want that gets sacrificed first and I'm tired of treating myself the way all my abusers and bad friends did. I really wanted this to be the first time I chose myself.

It's true though... the illness killed it. It would have been done by now if I hadn't been so sick. I lost almost two months. So maybe it wouldn't be a matter of treating myself as unimportant this time.

If I can summon up the old fire I used to have when I was young, maybe there's still a chance. But it's hard to kindle these days.

I don't have time to read my friends' entries after posting mine, like I usually do, so I will come back and read all your posts a bit later. I do read them, just not very often, and I usually don't know what to say, so I don't comment.

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1. What song or band have you been playing on repeat lately?
I've Sound...Jpop techno production group. (See comments for a song.) No idea why I'm so into them all of a sudden. I'm supposed to be listening to all the new darkwave and ebm artists I'm finding on Facebook!!

2. What’s something you believed about life at 16 that makes you laugh now?
That I'm fundamentally broken??? Turns out I have ADHD and don't just suck as a person. Maybe autism, but I haven't had a full eval yet.

3. Are you Team Coffee or Team Tea?
I actually like both, but am obsessed with all the different tea categories, and the amount of caffeine in coffee makes me very sick.

4. What’s one “adult responsibility” you still feel like you’re faking?
I don't feel like I'm faking anything, but I'm failing at a lot of it lol.

5. What’s something small that instantly makes your day better?
A really good cup of tea.

6. What is your comfort show/movie that you’ve seen way too many times?
Tuca and Bertie, but I don't have Netflix anymore, so I really want it on DVD.

7. What’s a smell that instantly sends you back in time?
I don't think smells do that to me as well as flavors do. A flavor that instantly sends me back to childhood is Capri Sun.

8. What’s something you *thought* you’d have figured out by now?
How to stop being weird and be a normal person who can talk to people normally. See also: turns out I'm neurodivergent.

9. What’s actually going better than you expected at this stage of life?
Nothing really? But I thought I'd be dead by now, so being alive and like...wanting to be? That's going better than expected :)

10. What’s your current “I should really deal with that” situation?
HAHAHAHA I LIVE THERE

11. If your mood today had a MySpace profile song, what would it be?
System of a Down - Lonely Day but I'm not really lonely...just bored and mentally foggy, but to an epic degree. Video in comments.

12. What’s a random skill you have that feels oddly specific?
The ability to tell whether somebody is a toxic POS just by looking at them or standing next to them.

13. What’s something you used to care about a LOT that you now absolutely do not?
Everything having to do with witchcraft, especially divination.

14. What kind of environment makes you feel the most like yourself?
Home :3

15. What's a major plot twist in your life that your younger self totally didn't see coming?
Converting back to Catholicism lmao.

16. Who (or what) is your biggest source of comfort lately?
Who: my boyfriend. What: Getting lost in a show. I watched the old Anne of Green Gables and now I'm watching Jem.

17. What’s something you’re quietly proud of that no one really sees?
Being alive and doing relatively ok.

18. What’s something your younger self would think is *so cool* about your life right now?
That I can turn the songs in my head into real music.

19. What’s a purchase you made recently that brought you an unreasonable amount of joy?
Everyone will write me off for this, but I bought a bunch of stuff from Shein lately for the Easter Vigil and my Confirmation, and I was so excited to have brand new clothes that I picked out for myself instead of whatever tolerable rags I could find at the thrift store. People get mad at me for shitting on thrift stores, but listen Becky, there's a big difference between "going thrifting" because you're looking for fun finds, and buying the cheapest garments you can find at the thrift store because all your clothes are falling apart at home.

20. What’s something you’ve outgrown, but still feel a little nostalgic about?
I haven't really outgrown anything, even the stuff that society says I'm supposed to have outgrown, so I'll have to go way back for this one and say: The Lion King. The whole Disney Renaissance was good times, but I was particularly obsessed with The Lion King for several years.

21. What’s a hobby or project that you keep meaning to start but haven’t yet?
There are a lot, but most prominently, a couple of Facebook page ideas having to do with goth or lolita fashion.

22. What’s a compliment you received that actually stuck with you?
People keep complimenting my hair even though it's overgrown and looks terrible, so that's cool.

23. Survey's over! What AIM-style away message are you closing with?
I don't even remember what I used to write on those things. Maybe a funny or happy quote? Like: "Opinions are like testicles. You kick 'em hard enough, it doesn't matter how many you've got."

Today is pretty much the first day I'm back to normal since falling ill. I remember being unable to go to Ash Wednesday because of how poorly I felt, so this has lasted almost the entire duration of Lent, which is 40 days for anybody who doesn't know. That's one wild trip.

By "normal," I mean I can resume my daily activities, but it's going to be a long time before I can leave the house without feeling exhausted and longer before I can walk across the park for exercise. I'm worried I won't be able to enjoy the location anymore before I leave. There's a park with shopping on the opposite side. I was so looking forward to many outings this spring. Well, on the plus side, I don't have a chronic illness, so if I can acclimate quickly, I can enjoy an outing or two and the worst case scenario is I have to drink a lot of electrolytes and rest heavily for the next couple of days.

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Some way or another, I need a new mindset, or I'll always be stuck in that stress loop that makes me more prone to being sick in bed. What if the confusing mega-blob is just a part of this beautiful life? What if the same brain that produces superhuman creativity and fire just also produces crippling lack of clarity at times?

I know it's not Christmas time anymore. If you can see my journal homepage, just...ignore the Christmas theme for now. Eventually I'll go hunting for a tutorial because I either don't remember how to tweak my theme, or they changed the editor while I was gone. Ack!

I also need to upload more of my old icons. I'm upset that my main icon isn't animated for some reason??? It's a gif and there is supposed to be snow falling.