A Quirk I've Come To Love

This is hard to take but I guess I will survive...

Oh my gosh where have I BEEN? New FSF album with Chris Carrabba? What HAPPENED to me?!

omg it's NaNoWriMo. why does this sneak up on me every year?

dear freakin goodness.

Enough!

Indie child with ragtag band of misfits taking on the "perfect blondes" of her high school come ON!

Haven't we regurgitated this CRUD enough?

My Life As Liz = another insipid shot at a tried and true target. Package up a quirky fringe-runner (but not too fringe. not all creepy or black wearer or burnout or anything. And not too nerdy either. Just free-thinking enough to be the most popular form of non-popular. The most mainstream form of non-mainstream), put her in a non-high school world (i.e. the one that DOESNT exist in real life, filled with delicious cinematic happenings) and sell her to the believing masses.

The other day a movie was on about a nerd who hired a cheerleader to be his girlfriend. When I clicked over to it some fonzie type was telling some sleeveless button down'd Forest From Hellogoodbye type that "losers sit to the left" followed by some directional comeback by the volumously haired Every Girl I guessed to be the cheerleader but that's not the point. The point is that movie was from 1987. Come on people. Can we get over all this fuss about four years. All of this...Crud. Not to milk a metaphor but it's been rehased and rehashed so much I can't even chew it anymore. Maybe it's just because I'm the teen anymore. The wide-eyed scene-y freshman hungry for high school dreams but I've had enough. Just enough.

And now I'm losing the computer.

24 hours ago i was bedding down in the Smoky Mountains.

But not anymore.

Which is somehow sad.

Since the minute we pulled into the mountains I wished to come back down but now that I'm safely sea-level I wish to go back up.

Ain't that funny?

That now that I'm back in my old creaky mattress I can't help thinking of the pink-pillowed single now sleeping someone else at the summit.

I always said those mountains were for recluses and unibombers but maybe, just maybe, I might not mind one more night or so there.

Then again what am I saying?

"will we ever know if falling backwards can save us? Why not try it just once and hope that we survive?"

Another day another crushing dose of boredom. If you had showed this life to freshman me or even junior me she would've said you were lying. There's no way things could be like this at 17. But seeing as how they are i suppose I should find some way to make my life less lame.

Some family from Cinci are upstairs now, asking for Madre's assistance in house hunting. They have a daughter. Typical urbetto black girl. Wonder how she's going to like it in the suburbs even though our particular economic part of town isn't really all that burby. She'll probably slide in with the growing number "those kinda black ppl" here. I keep forgetting I'm no longer a part of high school politics. It's weird to drive past the skate park or mall and think I'm not a part of those swish-banged chanel-shaded throngs anymore.

I don't wanna be 17 and old.

Which reminds me of All Time Low and how their coming to Cleveland which makes me happy.

Which is good since the best hings I can think to do on this perfectly sunshiny day are pick some black and white nail polish and track down a DJ for this party of mine which I may just somehow live thru.

Why am I blogging with so little to say?

what is this across my face?
who dares splash me with this race?
dripping with
hanging pants
educational intolerance
is there still a chance
that I could be
part of this
and still be me?
conformed to the enemy
could i be free
of this dark stain?
loosened from the hip-hop chain
what am I?
shall our history?
be boiled down to merely BET?


could i be proud
but not loud?
instead of swagger rock it out?
if we got ours and they've got theirs
I guess I'll just be caught in the crosshairs
of something that we never knew
zebra-torn traitor to all of you
I stand confused
in the terminal
of where I cannot bear and should not go
so look into my painted face
and tell me please
what is my place?

I'll just take a slow goodbye
how can I give up on what I've resigned
myself to
I'll miss myself too
this
is where
it ends

a scream

a cry

red faded eyes

which one will she choose this time?

the razor? The window?

she hits the snow

hoofing it in 10 below

a couple lies lands her a bed

to rest the wounds inside her head

and whisper farewell to a future former

this bed isn’t any warmer...

but the bloodhound sun finds not a scratch

of a night spent on Cerberus’ back

and when the curtain draws

the show proceeds

on the rubble of her dreams

but she dances through them just as fine

chasing, hating, keeping time

Burning candles everywhere

The full-bodied fragrance of despair

A laughing flower pedals tears

How did we ever end up here?


I sleep through the story and wake at the end
with blank stares and no fair's for dividends
pulling at a welded page
to claw out the words I could never say
before they're buried beneath the sands of time
the weight of the rubble of you and I
if I could mine
4 little letters
our story would so trump Cinderella's

wars have been fought for sillier causes
than stolen dreams and exile marches
so don't tell me to lighten up
or attach that adjective to my plight
cause how can you question the loyalty
of someone who's already died

 

 

i didn't ask to have this fight
my cause is only to survive
so throw all your best weaponry
i've got nothing more to lose you see
my faith is gone, what's victory?
when both sides are manned by misery?
i'll gladly savor this defeat
if all that's to win is decency