★

my uncle is going to be appointed to the joint cheifs of staff once he finishes his schooling.

i get these weird spells where my appendages shake and my heart beats super fast for no reason at all. feels like i'm on speed. which i'm not. then i eat some sugar and feel better.

i like that the big bad wolf wears a fanny pack.

for halloween carli was the prettiest little tinkerbell ever.

it is incredibly cold right now in my attic and the heater IS NOT WORKING. therefor, my fingers are solid ice and thus hard to move in a way so as would allow me to type properly.

matt had this really nice wool sweater from the banana republic. then he put it in the dryer and it shrunk a bit. so it became my really nice wool sweater from the banana republic. i did the laundry recently. i dried the sweater.

now it's carli's really nice wool sweater from the banana republic.

lol. i think maybe the dryer at matt's parent's house may get a little bit warmer than ours did. because that sweater had been dried a lot previous to this drying. i can't believe it went from my size to carli's in one wash. especially since carli is so tiny.

matt is hanging out at tim's right now. WITH JASON!!! we were supposed to have hung out this weekend, just the two of us, but seeing as he and jason haven't spoken for 5 months, i wasn't too upset when he asked if he could go. i only cried a little bit.

i'm hardcore pmsing right now. but then again, i deserved to cry tonight. i made everyone breakfast this morning. then we went grocery shopping, errand running. as soon as we came home i did the dishes, then immediately began dinner after that. dinner took 3 HOURS to make. but it was worth it. oh my god was it good. stuffed shells with salad and garlic bread. all from scratch, WITHOUT A RECIPE. except the bread. i did not get to sit down once today. and i was really looking forward to sitting relaxing watching a movie with matt tonight. but it was jason calling. he's getting married a week from monday. who am i to say no? that wouldn't be right.

we actually fight about this a lot. we never go out together. i'm always stuck at home with carli. i try to make plans, he doesn't want to do anything. he's tired or doesn't want to spend any money. but as soon as one of his friends calls, he's gone. i feel neglected. bored. rejected. unwanted.

less about that, more about how awesome i am.

thursday night i made chicken fettuccine alfredo from scratch. with garlic biscuits also from scratch. and not with bisquick, either. wednesday night i made fried chicken, mashed potatoes, gravy, and biscuits. all from scratch. tomorrow i think i'll make cheeseburgers. that's easy. and wont take three hours to make. because everything else has had me standing over a freaking stove for hours on end. i planned out a menu for the entire week, so when matt and i went grocery shopping today i would know exactly what to get. i'm going to make chili and cornbread one night. chili i've never made, my cornbread is awesome. most of what i've made this week were things i'd never tried before. i think tomorrow i'm going to make zucchini bread. or pumpkin muffins. we've got so many pumpkins here that we never carved. i'm also going to make pumpkin pie. i need to practice though. i've never even made it with pre-made pumpkin pie filling, let alone from scratch. but i'm making thanksgiving dinner this year for matt, carli, his brothers, and myself. and anyone else to feels the need to to drop by the night before. i'm kind of excited. i've never cooked a turkey before, let alone a whole thanksgiving dinner.

i'm really tired. it's nearly 1:00. and i have to stay up to wait for matt to call for a ride home. blah. it never ends. just once i wish someone would spend an entire day doting on me. getting my beer. making my breakfast. driving me around. making my dinner. and doing the dishes while i sat on my ass. oh, and don't forget forgoing sleep while i party with the guys.

/end rant.

i'm really tempted to pull carli out of her bed and into mine. she's an awesome snuggler when she's in the mood. every morning after we send matt off to work we lay in 'mommy's bed!' and watch jimmy neutron (timmyton!) and fairly oddparents (timmy!) until about 7:30 when she goes back to her bed and sleeps until around 9:30/10:00. sometimes as late as 10:30. which is totally awesome. my daughter is a sleeper. when we don't get up at 6:20 (weekends) she sleeps until about 9:00. the best thing about sharing a room with carli is waking up to her saying mommy! maime! mommy! maime! in that cute little 'i see you!' voice of hers. she's learned that matt and i have names that aren't 'mommy' and 'daddy'. she can't quite say our names right, she calls me maime and him mattyou. if she wants my attention and i don't answer to mommy after two or three tries, she'll shout 'maime!' all exasperated like. i can't believe how much she's talking. and she knows her alphabet! and numbers! she still has trouble with c g and z. but my god. for a two year old to be as bright as she is... wow.

i found the loot of halloween candy that matt hid from me. i have rediscovered my childhood love of butterscotch discs. those were my absolute favorite when i was a kid. though i think it's about time i put the candy up. i've made a fairly decent sized dent in it. one more baby ruth, one more tootsie roll and then i'm done.

it is now 1:15 and still no word from matt. should have just told him to stay the night. then he could just get a ride in the morning and i could get some sleep. i think i'm going to try for sleep anyway, though i know that as soon as i start to nod off he'll call and i'll have to drive my ass all the way to tim's to pick him up. and my god, it's so far away. we're on 7th. he's on 21st! so he's like, 10 blocks west and 14 blocks north! bah. it's like, a full mile away. maybe even a little further.

this dude on tv scares me. men with really bad fake tans and weird accents are just... scary. i definitely wouldn't want him massaging my face like that. though i suppose i'd be too busy gawking at his orange face and WHITE circles under/around his eyes.

my knee is hurting. i fell in may and tore my right knee up pretty bad. torn/bruised cartilage. torn/sprained ligaments. it aches so freaking much still. not constantly. just an occasional thing. depending on my actions of the day, sometimes the cold gets it going. then in august we went on a camping trip with matt's whole family. lake billy chinook. his mom's cousin steven pulled us on inner tubes from the back of his boat. his goal is not to have a nice, leisurely stroll across the lake, but to see how quickly he can make you fall off. my very first time being pulled behind a boat on something. anything. cept a big raft when i was a kid and my dad took my sisters and i no faster than 10 miles an hour. steven had us going at 50 . and i got thrown off. landed on my knee. my left knee this time. it hit the water so hard i thought it was broken. i couldn't move it. i was in so much pain. but i didn't want anyone to know i was hurt so i didn't say anything. didn't want to ruin the fun, he had two other girls being pulled behind his boat in tubes along with me. so i pulled myself back to my tube by the rope it was attached to and got back on. finally got my knee to move so i could straighten my leg out. it wasn't broken. but it sure did hurt. i got thrown off again, this time my tube didn't slip, i didn't lose my grip, it BROKE. i tumbled over the water a few times. i cried like a baby. well, i wanted to, but i didn't. i was scared. i couldn't figure out why it scared me so bad this time. but my god was i ever freaked out. i didn't get back on. obviously, i couldn't, my tube broke. but when we went' back to our camp i rode a tube with matt by my side in the next tube. steven didn't go so fast this time and didn't try to pull us off. it was kind of romantic being pulled in an inner tube with your fiance in the next tube over. i thought for sure my ass would be black and blue though, with steven pulling us over the wakes at 50 miles per hour. so anyway, my left knee gives me problems now, too. it's never completely healed. no idea what i did to that one, though, since it wasn't at work and i didn't get to see a doctor for free.

my back is really starting to ache. i've waited up long enough, i deserve some sleep. wish me luck that i get some sleep before he calls, or even that he stays the night ;)

tora is my neighbor.

loud karaoke downstairs last night. middle aged white women singing eminems lose yourself. huh.

whoppers and sisterhood of the traveling pants made me cry.

going to frys.

spending money.

my head hurts.

so does my eyeball.

OMG I READ LOST SPOILERS AND I'M SO MAD AT MYSELF BECAUSE I DIDN'T WANT TO KNWO WHO WAS GOING TO DIE AND NOW I DO AND IF THEY KILL @$#%@*&^*&# I WILL KILL THEM.

so retarded. bitches. i was just starting to like h@$.

why can't they just kill kate and make everyone happy?

and episode 8 is a charlie episode. supposedly titled 'old habits'. if they put him back on the smack, i will die. because.......
the smack will lead to crack oh yes it will
i said the smack will lead to crack oh yes it will.

and speaking of that, i should buy that on dvd since the vcr is in storage. along with all of my vhs and about 200 of my dvds. wich i have 235 of now. i'm insane. and obsessed.

i also never update anymore.

and i'm not fat anymore.

i'm back down to a size 8, wich is what i was when i met matt.

i was a size 6 when i got pregnant, but i'm only 7 lbs heavier than i was then, so hopefully i'll lose that soon.

like you care.


carli is two. she can count to ten. she can recognize and identify numbers 1 - 12. she knows nearly half of the alphabet and can identify the letters B E I M O P R S T U W Y. my daughter is a genius. i'm so proud of her. brodie (shelley's son) couldn't even identify numbers 0 - 9 on his fourth birthday. and he doesn't know his alphabet too well. carli will be reading by the time she's his age at this rate.

she's going to be tinkerbell for halloween. freaking awesome, man. you're so jealous. totally.


ok shower.
then frys.
oh and i hear they're making a full length futurama movie. according to imdb. katey sagal played locke's girlfriend, helen. but not lockes phone sex helen.
and the man in the er with jack's wife is shannon's dad.

and walt said 'push the button. don't push the button. bad.'

EXECUTE!!!

wowzers.

yes, i love technology.
but not as much as you, you see.
but i still love technology.
always and forever.

dude, that is totally going to be a part of my wedding.
wich is may 20th, by the way. i'm going to try on
wedding dresses friday.

my back aches. maybe that is why i'm so
freaking depressed lately.
back and shoulder pain.
sigh.



i think it's about time for bed. mmhmm.
or i could stay up and watch the jacket.
but i'm too tired to concentrate.
on anything at all right now.

i feel like i'm breaking in two.
bad dreams bad fights bad everything.
but carli's birthday is in two days.
there are certain songs i shouldn't listen to in situations like this.
but at the same time, nothing else would do.

today i am sad and right now i'm at work. i dont' feel good. i ate too much ice cream. i think i'm going to need to puke soon. but it's ok to eat ice cream til i puke because i'm sad. right? right. i had to babysit shelley's monsters today. brodie drives me nuts. he's so mean to carli. shelley never believed me but she saw him do it today. carli will be 2 in about three weeks. THREE WEEKS! insane. i can't believe it's already been two years. i can't believe it's been a year since jason died. and to think, no one has offered me shit in a spoon since. *sigh*

sometimes 94.7 surprises me. i was driving home today and i heard first 'my favorite game' by the cardigans, after that was 'talk-show' host by radiohead, and then 'popular' by nada surf. three great songs in a row.

also, i picked up our invitations today for the engagement party. they turned out great! i'm so freaking excited.

and! tonight, season finale of lost. i'm excited-nervous-scared-sad all at the same time.

staying at the beach this weekend! wooooo! going friday afternoon with my mom, then coming back home, picking matt up, and staying friday night, coming home saturday afternoon for work, leaving sunday afternoon after work to go back to the beach house, then coming home monday night-ish. it will be a fun weekend. it's been so long since we've had one. maybe i'll get a tan even. might be nice.

it's been a long time since i've updated, but i still don't have much to say.
matt's party was awesome.
mothers day was even better-i got diamonds and kittens.
well, one diamond, two kittens and one proposal.
i totally wasn't expecting an engagement ring, and i definately wasn't expecting him to get down on one knee when he gave it to me. it's absolutely beautiful. and he remembered everything i liked, too. it's exactly what i wanted and he picked it out all on his own. when we first started talking about getting married and buying a ring, he asked if i knew what i wanted and i told him 'white gold, round cut, solitare. just something simple, but not plain.' and that's what i got. i told him to save the big money (and big diamonds) for the wedding ring ;) the only problem is that it's too big so i have to wear it on my middle finger until we take it in to get it sized. but i don't want to yet because it takes a week and i don't want to go that long without it. i've had it for two weeks now and i still can't keep my eyes off of it.
i fell at work the day before mothers day and tore cartilage in my knee. so i've been to the doctor twice already and i have to go again on monday. paul, my boss, is paying for me to go to get acupuncture. he's so funny. when i fell and had to go to the doctor he said to me 'you get acupucture, i think it better. american doctor is stupid' so i'm going on the fourth of june. i'm scared, but at the same time excited. matt is jelous.
my kittens! their names are major tom and ruby tuesday. but we just call them thomas and ruby. and matt, the BIGGEST cat hater i have ever met in my life, absolutely loves them. they sleep in our bed. he snuggles with tom while he plays at the computer. but when people come over or ask about the kittens he plays this whole 'i don't like them i just tolerate them' routine. he's got to keep up his whole cat hater facade or i think the cat haters of america will pull his card. it's cute.

omg. i've been on the phone all day. i hang up with tim, sarah calls. i hang up with sarah, shelley calls. and as i'm on teh phone with shelley, i sit down at the computer for ONE MINUTE. i get up, go towards the living room to get carli and put her down for a nap, and the front door is wide open. carli's not in the house. i said 'i gotta go' and hang up the phone, drop it on the floor. run out in the yard, look left, look right. she's not in the yard. i nearly get to the sidewalk and a neighbor, who i've never even seen before let alone met, walks around the fence and says 'i have her, i was walking down the sidewalk and i saw her, nothing happened don't worry.'

carli can't open the front door. at least, she couldn't. she's never been able to. it's a lot heavier than the inside doors and it sticks, plus the doorknob is a bit higher, so she just hasn't been able to. it's just not something that i saw happening, so i didn't plan for it. good thing we have a chain lock high on the door that i can barely reach. imagine if that girl hadn't been walking down the sidewalk. imagine if she had gone the other way towards the main road. we're only one house away from hwy 18!
i thought i was going to have a heart attack. i cried and cried and cried when i came in the house.

scariest fucking moment of my life.