I'm not writing this because I want sympathy, I'm writing this because it's a good place to dump the thoughts and feelings, and maybe even talk to someone who has gone through something similar.
Two nights ago, while I was at work (alone and on nightshift), the place was robbed.
They broke in by smashing the window next to where I would normally be sat with a paving slab. There was three of them and a fourth in the get away car.
I have a vague memory of screaming like a 12 year old and pressing the panic alarms before stepping back no more than 5 feet from them.
While they were busy smashing the fuck out of the tills with a hammer I kept thinking some really stupid things, including "I'm glad so-and-so wasn't on tonight" and "I should put my phone away in case they steal that too"... the second I guess was more rational than the first. I managed to remember enough of my training from BP though to get the cars number plate and a very shaky description of the arseholes.
I know the point of the way they entered was to instil fear. It worked. I was fucking shit scared. I also (appear to) have a strong and somewhat stubborn personality that wont allow me to feel sorry for myself.
I find myself berating my own thought processes. Like freaking out at the sight of the window they came through is wrong. That admitting that I'm not as ok as I look will make me seem weak.
Despite this I can't help the fact that the masked Shit that smashed through the glass has morphed in my head into some sort of slab-weilding devil-clown. When I close my eyes now, I see a grinning thing looking at me, not some stupid kid looking for an easy few quid who didn't even (thankfully) acknowledge my existence.
My problem is that my fear is not an irrational one. I fear the worst in other people. I fear that the security holes at work, or anywhere could result in harm to me.
My Mom said that maybe they waited until I was away from my till before they made a move. Like I should thank them for their humanity whilst tearing apart someones livelyhood?
Normally at that time of night I'd be sat at the till reading something or playing a game on my iPhone. I have no idea what made me change my routine that night.
I never understood the term "scared stiff" before. And I never really believed that "time stood still" or "stretched" for people. But I get it now. My mind fired off so many different things that the whole MINUTE they were in the store actually felt like an hour.
It was kind of like a nightmare where I know I should be doing something to help myself, like scream, only when I try no sound comes out.
The Police said I seemed pretty calm when they watched it back (and my bosses watched it about 2342352 times in front of me that night) but after having just experienced my first ever panic attack, I feel the need to disagree. Hearing and seeing my panic attack those 2342352 times didn't really improve my mood.
By the time the Police had gone I honestly felt GUILTY and EMBARRASSED. I don't really know why. The rational part of my head again keeps telling me it's not my fault the fuckers broke in, however I feel like I should have DONE SOMETHING more. What, I don't know.
I'm really struggling with not wanting to be a victim and having the first impact play in front of me when ever I close my eyes.
Does jumping back onto the horse really help in these issues? Am I just fuelling a breakdown?
And the noise! I suffer from Tinnitus anyway but after the noise (the smashing, shouting, hammering) of that night, my ears are still ringing.
To add insult to injury, the car used in the getaway had stolen petrol from the BP garage I USED TO WORK FOR, and they failed to report it. Four hours after that theft they smashed their way into the Total I work at. It also appears that they hit the other BP Garage I ran for a few months. The hardware store opposite that shore was also hit and my neighbour 2 doors up has been broken into and our car was too just a week ago.
Someone please explain how I shouldn't take that personally? At least six people that I know hit in 2 weeks is too coincidental to be coincidental in my head.
It freaks me the hell out.
What is wrong with people today that they can go around and do this to others?
Rules: Bold all of the following TV shows which you've ever seen 3 or more episodes of in your lifetime. Underline a show if you're positive you've seen every episode of it. If you want, add up to 3 additional shows (keep the list in alphabetical order), but you must delete one show for each one that you add.
listless
apathetic
scared
tired
restless
curious
cranky
amused