eeyore

Wake me up when 2009 is over

It seems I only post on here when I am sad. At the moment it doesn't feel like I have anyone to talk to, other than strangers who have been through this before. I'm not sure there's really anything left to talk about anyway.

It's been 2 weeks since I lost Charlie, my beautiful baby boy. It's been a tough 2 weeks but I think I have come through the other side. 2 weeks ago I couldn't imagine being in this head space but it's what I wished for, to be able to get through an hour, a few hours, a day without crying. But here I am wanting to cry. Wanting to prove to myself that I haven't moved on, I haven't yet forgotten him, haven't stopped missing him. I think about him constantly, but the tears no longer come.

I still have the signs of having given birth recently, so I shouldn't yet be feeling OK. At the time I felt like my body was betraying me but it was just confused too. Making milk for a baby that didn't need it. As much as I hated it it gave me a link to Charlie. When it was gone it was with relief but also with sadness as one more tenuous link to my boy was gone.

For 2 weeks I have been grieving alone. Not completely alone as my husband has been by my side but we deal with things differently. He has spent the past 2 weeks supporting me, taking care of me. The only other support has been from strangers. Thank God for the internet. My friends and family haven't known what to do, what to say, so they say and do nothing. I can't blame them as I would have done the same if the roles were reversed. In some ways it was easier for me, in others it was so much harder.

I feel guilty for not having a proper funeral. There wasn't anyone here to attend anyway. I doubt I would have been able to say goodbye properly with other people there. But I want everyone to have a chance to say hello and goodbye. I'm not sure how to do that now. Do I wait for his due date that is still 4 months away?

Every decision I make seems to come with guilt and regret. I held my son but didn't hold him for long enough. I didn't give him a teddy when he was born (I gave him one for his cremation). He didn't have a blanket of his own. I didn't have a proper funeral. I didn't talk to him enough when he was still alive inside me.

I want to talk about Charlie but I worry that it makes people uncomfortable. Sometimes it makes me uncomfortable, makes me teary. But tears aren't always bad. He's my son, which apparently makes me a mother. But I've been told that I am hanging on too tight and I need to let him go. But he's my son. I don't want to let him go. I don't want to put him somewhere in a cupboard because it will make it easier. I want to be reminded of him. I want his brothers and sisters to know about him, to love him as I do.

I'm not religious, but right now I believe in God. It gives me someone to direct my anger at, someone to blame. It gives me comfort that Charlie is in a better place rather than ceasing to exist. That makes me a hypocrite doesn't it.

I am anxious to be pregnant again. Time seems to be going so slowly. I wish I could fast forward. I feel like the past year has been a waste of time. I'm right back where I started. Only I'm not. I'm a changed person. My heart is broken. My arms are empty when they shouldn't be. I will never be able to enjoy a pregnancy again. It will always be tinged with sadness and anxiousness. I am frustrated with doctors. I am supposed to get post mortem results within 6 weeks, yet because of the unavailability of the doctor I have to wait 3 months. Pleading with the receptionist has gotten me nowhere. Another thing in life that isn't fair. I want my baby back. I want his future back.
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    sad sad
Rainbow Brite

Long time no hear

Well it's been a while since I have written anything so I thought I'd update.

It's been an interesting week. Well, in the whole scheme of things, not really.

Assuming the week we're talking about started on Saturday my week started with bra shopping. I hate this. I use the word 'shopping' loosely though. I went to see a woman who imports lingerie from the UK and the US. I was seeking something to wear under my wedding dress. She's put in an order but I still don't know if it's mission accomplished. We'll have to wait and see until it arrives. At least I had a friend come along to hold my hand. It was interesting though as we are good friends but don't really do much on our own. In some ways it was good to have the sort of chats that we don't usually have, but sometimes I felt a little pressure to have something interesting to say. Fortunately she had plenty of interest to talk about so it was a nice afternoon.

On Monday I decided not to go to work as I have a bit of a cold. It was more just me not wanting to go to work than actually feeling bad. Although I would have copped it if I'd turned up for work and "spread my germs" so it's best I stayed home. One day turned into three so that was a nice break. While I was home I took some time to watch episodes of "Boston Legal" and old episodes of "Felicity". I'm only a few episodes in but now I want to watch the whole lot. I still think Ben is a drip and can't understand why she didn't prefer Noel. But I remember how I was when I was in first year at Uni and how my judgement was so impaired. I look back on the time I spent hanging out in the room of a particular guy who had no interest in me at all but I hung off his every word. How stupid I feel when I think about it.

This morning we got to go around our house with the electrician and mark where we want everything. It was exciting as it's another step closer to completion, but now I'm wondering if we've put everything in the best spots. I wish I could wipe these things from my memory so that I don't keep second guessing myself. And our spa has been put in the bathroom. I had only seen pictures of it prior to this so I'm very excited. It's huge! I can't wait!

Went back to work today and didn't really want to be there.

I think this mood was reflected in my reaction when I first arrived at work. I am privileged to have a car space in the basement of my building. Unfortunately the person who has the car space beside me isn't terribly good at parking and doesn't seem to care about it. This morning was the last straw as she was parked over the line onto my side and I struggled to get the door open enough to get out. So I left a note asking her to please try to park within her space. I hope it doesn't start a war but I've been putting up with it for a while. The car space she has is marked 'small car only' yet she drives a commodore so doesn't really fit very well in ideal circumstances. All I ask is that she show a bit of care and consideration for the person in the space beside hers. I am parked next to a pole so don't have a lot of room to move.

Tonight I'm finally going to see Sex and the City. I always laugh when people have written on their Facebook sites that they love the show/ movie, and then they go and call it Sex in the City. If you love it so much at least get the title right! Anyway, I'm looking forward to seeing it. I've wanted to see it for ages but I made a statement that I refused to pay to see a movie-length version of a TV show that I watched for free. So I couldn't go and see it could I. Well, now I'm seeing it for free so all is well. Fortunately, my fiance isn't coming too, so I don't have to listen to him complain about how terrible it is. There aren't too many films that he chooses not to see so I truly am grateful.

This weekend looks like being busy for my two major projects - house and wedding. I'm going to Rydges tomorrow to check out the function room set up for a wedding. Fancy having a wedding on a Friday but I guess they really wanted that 080808 wedding date. On the weekend we have to check out the display home by our builders to look at the exhaust fans they use. They look kinda ugly on the website but we'll see. And we have to look at lighting so we can let the electrician know what to do. And I get to paint! I have about six pots of paint to try and choose which shade i want for my feature wall. At least that will give me confidence that we are making the right choices.
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    busy busy
eeyore

Australia Day

Wow, here it is another Australia Day and I think I could post a carbon copy of last year. Here's what I wrote last year:

Well it's Australia Day today and while I'm pleased to have the day off work I can't say I'm really getting into the spirit of things. For one thing all my best friends seem to be busy doing other important stuff. My own boyfriend had far more interesting things to do with his mates in Sydney. Sometimes I think he has too much freedom in this relationship!

Sure enough he's off in Sydney again. And he seems to be incommunicado.

So I'm feeling a little blah today.

Every year Canberra has a pre-Australia Day concert. This is the first year I've been interested in the lineup and the first year I haven't really had an opportunity to go. The threat of rain put some people off, and others had tickets to the good spot so going with them wasn't an option. So instead I had a night in and a relatively early night.

So, Heath Ledger is dead. I'm still in a little shock. Obviously I didn't know the guy but I liked his movies. He's always been one of my faves. I'd already been looking forward to seeing him in The Dark Knight, but now it will be viewed with melancholy. Every time I see another snippet on the news it saddens me. I keep hoping that it is a giant hoax as some way of either getting back at the paparazzi for being so intrusive, or a way to get the media attention off Britney. Either way I'd be guilty as I like to read the tabloids. Although in my defence, the photos of celebrities out and about in their day to day lives don't really interest me all that much.

I had a gym session at the gym yesterday and now my back is killing me. I really hope my trainer knows what he's doing.

2008 looks like being a good year for me. A wedding, a new house and a new job. I need to stay focussed on that.
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    blah blah
Rainbow Brite

Aloha!

Well it's been a while since I've posted, but seeing as I recently returned from sunny Hawaii I guess I at least have something to say.

I had a good, but exhausting holiday. No relaxation whatsoever. We took 500 photos. We managed to get used to tipping, but I couldn't get my head around all the coin, it was too hard to tell what was what, especially when I didn't add on the tax when I worked out the money before going to the cashier. I'm sure I thought it was stupid when Australia got rid of 1c and 2c but now that I can easily compare, I'm glad they did.  I was disappointed with the range of chocolate bars over there as they mainly involved peanut butter, which I don't like. I missed my  violet crumbles, of which they have no equivalent. Cadbury chocolate is made there by Hersheys. It tastes better than normal Hersheys chocolate but not as good as ours. Although since getting back I've had normal Cadbury and maybe it tastes the same. Maybe I'd just forgotten how it tasted.
 
Honolulu is a lot like the Gold Coast, only less feral. It was very clean and seemed to be very well coordinated. Public transport was easy to use and there were also free trolley buses that ran all the time. Every evening everywhere was lit up with torches. It really looked beautiful. I'm glad that we were able to get away to another island though. We went to the Big Island, which I felt stupid saying but that is actually what it's called. Although I think its official name is actually Hawaii. Another thing I noticed is that there were no bugs! No mozzies, and very few flies. So our hotel had its reception area and restaurants all out in the open.
 
Day 1 - The first day we arrived we stayed at Waikiki. We wandered around for a while, having arrived at 8am. Fortunately a room was available at our hotel, so after some brunch (I discovered that Subway tastes different here even when it's the same menu item. I think the honey mustard sauce was different) I pretty much crashed for a few hours. I had bought a small leather backpack for the holiday so imagine my annoyance when I discovered my top covered in black stuff. So that's one less tops I have to wear on the trip and I had to buy a new bag. We went to dinner at a restaurant overlooking the beach. I even had a Blue Hawaii, which was nice. 
 
Day 2 - we headed off the the Big Island (the one with the volcano). I left my Ray Bans in the foyer of the hotel. Argh! I rang them from the airport to see if they were still there in the foyer but I guess someone took them. So had to buy some cheapies at the hotel. The hotel was beautiful. It had its own lagoon which had a population of turtles. So there was some relaxation in the bar overlooking the lagoon.
 
Day 3  - started with an introductory session on what there is to do, which came with free breakfast. The catch was it was at 7.45am! The activities lady asked us a few times if we were on our honeymoon as apparently we're a cute couple. We had nothing else planned for that day so we booked a submarine tour of the reef. It was good, but not many fish, which surprised me. But there were a couple of cool shipwrecks to look at. Unfortunately we didn't hire a car (stupid of us) so transport became an issue. We discovered a shuttle between the town and the resort but it didn't seem to follow the timetable we had. That night, my partner dragged me to the local cinema to see 1408 (stars John Cusack). It was a supernatural horror and really had no plot. They just stuck him in a room and had the ghosty thing do as many creepy things as they could fit into the time. After the movie, we went to a pizza place, where I discovered that pizzas are better there than they look in the movies. Didn't have a Hawaiian pizza though. The locals were quite friendly. As I went to the restroom (which was outside the restaurant) a guy said hello as I walked past. I spent the time in the restroom fearful that I was going to be pounced upon as I left as it was pretty deserted. But I actually think he was just being friendly.
 
Day 4 - we did a tour of the island, starting at 7.30am and went for around 12 hours! Highlight was the volcano. Unfortunately, the week before we arrived, the lava flow, that has been going since the 80s, had stopped flowing! That was OK as I don't think we would have been seeing the lava anyway as you have to take a different tour for that. The uncertainty was around whether we'd see anything as the volcano started doing weird things and they had closed the national park. Fortunately the day we went was the first day they reopened it. We got to see lots of steam, and sulphur, and black stuff from previous lava flows. It was kinda cool though. Apparently the magma chambers were swelling and volcanologists from all over were coming to check it out as they think it might blow soon. Having dinner that night I realised that asking for a lemonade does not get you a sprite. It gets you the home-made lemony sweet stuff. Sprite here is described as lemon-lime.
 
Day 5 - Snorkelling trip. We went on a boat to a marine sanctuary. It was at a bay where they have a memorial to Captain Cook. I hadn't realised that the Hawaiins killed him. Sounds like he deserved it though (from their telling anyway). Where the monument stands is officially British land so nobody was allowed to go onto the monument itself. I wonder if people from the UK can. Anyway, there weren't many fish here either. well, not as many as I would have expected in a sanctuary. Still, it was nice to go for a swim (we didn't do much swimming at all). My partner had fun going off the slide that was on the boat. As we were about to leave for the day someone yelled out that they could see a shark. Apparently it was a hammerhead. I didn't see it though. We saw dolphins earlier.
 
Day 6 - back to Honolulu. We stayed at the Hilton. Checked in the day Paris checked out of her digs. :o) My partner was the most excited he'd been all holiday because our room had a 42" plasma, and HBO. It didn't have many other exciting channels though. That night we went out to an italian place which was fairly average, and then wandered along waikiki. By this point I had had enough of walking.
 
Day 7  - we went to the Polynesian Cultural Centre. It has mini villages of all the polynesian cultures. My advice is not to get a guided tour. We went around to villages and arrived at the right times for the scheduled activities, but we didn't have any time in them to find out anything. For example, in Tonga, all I found out about them was that they have a King, and that he died last year so they have a new one. We didn't get to look at any of the displays in our own time. The funniest thing was that for days we had had americans ask us where we were from. We'd say Australia and then they'd ask where in Australia. I don't know why as they only seem to know of Sydney, so once we told them we were from Canberra we'd either be met with blank looks or be asked how far away from Sydney Canberra is. The guy in the Fiji village asked us and we gave the answer of Australia, and he asked where so we said Canberra. His response was "Go Brumbies". Awesome! He became my favourite person.
 
Day 8 - I slept in until 9.30am! Woohoo! We had breakfast in the hotel restaurant. This is where we found the massive serving sizes we'd been told about. My coffee cup almost covered my entire face. My partner ordered pancakes and was told they were 14 inches in diameter (or was it 16). anyway, he felt confident. But he was beaten by the pancakes. I think he made it about 2 thirds through, which is a good effort. Then we went to Pearl Harbour. It was definitely worth going to, especially as it was free which was nice. Learnt a bit, felt suitably moved. The bus system in Hawaii was good as it they told you what things were at the next stop so if you were a tourist, as most of us were, it was easy to find your way around. After Pearl Harbour we went to a shopping centre that my partner claimed was better than the main one advertised. The reason for this was they have a cinema. So we saw Die Hard 4. It was very good. Lots of things go boom!
 
Day 9 - this was to be our last day. We went shopping at the main shopping centre. I felt like I should buy stuff but didn't find too much of interest to me. Went to a pizza place and had a Hawaiian pizza as I felt I couldn't leave without doing so. It was made with bacon rather than ham. But apart from that, pretty standard. I saw a life size cardboard cutout of Capt Jack Sparrow, but couldn't work out how I'd get it home. Disappointing. We spent that night doing our souvenir shopping. Bought lots of t-shirts.
 
Day 10 - hometime. Had to get up at 5.30am to get to the airport 2 hours before our scheduled flight at 9.15am. Arrived to be told that our flight was delayed until 11.30pm. They claimed they had endeavoured to contact us, but I had no e-mails about it and my phone was on and I had no calls. At least they put us up in a hotel (across the road from waikiki beach). We had checked in our luggage so didn't really have any beach wear. So we went to the movies (again). This time we saw Knocked Up. It was funny. Then we came back and had dinner in the restaurant of the hotel (also paid for by Jetstar), which had a huge aquarium, and I had been keen to go but we hadn't gotten around to it. 2 kids lined up behind us (also Australian) saw a huge stingray and seemed quite distressed as it was what killed Steve Irwin. Poor kiddies have been traumatised. Anyway, the restaurant was nice. I filled up on desserts mainly as it was a lot of seafood (yuck). Then we were taken back to the airport where we waited for 3 hours. I collect snow globes and I bought one for myself. Unfortunately I forgot about the whole liquids thing at airports so I had packed it in my carry-on to avoid damage. But because it was liquid security confiscated it. She gave me the option to go back and check it in but seeing as my luggage had been checked in 12 hours earlier I couldn't really do that. So my snowglobe was lost to me. :o( Because of the delay we were given meals on the plane (which you normally have to pay for) and a $100 voucher for Jetstar. I'll probably never use it as it has to be used by January 2008 and Jetstar don't do flights to or from Canberra. I was so tired I slept all the way. I had hired a movie viewer thingy but I didn't even turn it on.

Photo 1 - view from our hotel on the Big Island
Photo 2 - sunset at the bar of our hotel on the Big Island
Photo 3 - Waikiki beach - taken from the hotel the airline put us up in on the last day
 

Rainbow Brite

Dendy suck!

I feel like having a rant.

Late last year a new whiz-bang Dendy cinema opened up in Canberra. As I love movies I was quite excited. They opened with a screening of Casino Royale (among others) and so I was sucked in to joining the Dendy club under the assumption that they would continue to screen mainstream films in addition to the arthouse fodder. Since screening Casino Royale they haven't had a single mainstream film on (except 300 but I didn't want to see that). So I haven't been to Dendy since (other than to see a film we had a freebie for). Adding to my discontent is that I have been waiting and waiting for a film that I want to see to be on in the Premium cinemas so that I can experience it (as none of the cinemas in Canberra have Gold Class etc). I'm still waiting! I can't help wondering why Dendy doesn't screen mainstream films when they would make so much money out of it as they're now the best cinema in all of Canberra and the best by far in Civic. I wonder if it's the manager's fault or the higher ups in the Dendy company that see them not making the most of their potential.

On another note, I have the day off today so took the opportunity to go to the gym in the daytime. I have never seen so many old people exercising in my life! Good on them for keeping up their activity, but it was still kinda weird.
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    frustrated frustrated
Felix

In a nutshell

What an exciting week I've had! Last weekend I went to Sydney to see Pink and I went to the zoo as well. It was like a mini-holiday as we didn't stay with friends as we usually do. It was just what I needed. If anyone else has seen Pink perform this tour I ask you this - do you think she was actually singing the whole time? I'm not sure, but I don't think she would dare do otherwise as she's pretty outspoken so she'd cop it for sure.

Today we bought a new TV. Yes, I know I have claimed this before and it has fallen through. But this time we have it in our house already. I was actually quite surprised that we were able to take it away straight away as I've become used to having to wait for large purchases. I'm very excited but it happened so quickly that we don't actually have anything to put it on yet, so for now it stays in the box. I guess that's not so bad as I'm going to a party tonight anyway and if we started playing with our new toy I'm not sure I'd get to the party.
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    excited excited
Rainbow Brite

Confession

I have a confession to make. I have become addicted to LJ. Not posting (obviously), just reading everyone else's posts. I check it all the time! Unfortunately it seems to be mainly Big Brother posts (yes, another shaming admission - I joined the BB community - but in my defence it means I don't actually have to watch the show), but still I keep checking. I think I need help!
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    distressed distressed
eeyore

Thoughts

Well it's been a crap day today so I think I'll start with a list of things that get on my nerves:

  • people who step into a lift as soon as the doors open without letting the occupants actually get out
  • people who stand at the front of the lift and simply refuse to take one small step to the side to let other occupants out
  • drivers who drive up onto an entry ramp where the main road has a speed limit of 100 and don't go over 60km/hr
  • drivers who fill the gap that I'm trying to leave in front of me to avoid rear-ending anyone
  • management who appoint part-timers to work in a previously full-time position - and then expect me to add to my workload to cover for them on their days off
  • people who are crap at their job and whinge about the level they are paid
  • itchy feet
  • housemates who don't contribute to the household at all, other than financially. It's like having a mouse in the cupboard as you can never count on food you bought still being there. And they never shop to replace any of it!
  • housemates in general - I'm so over it. I suggested to my partner that I want our housemate to move out - he seems to think I'm joking
  • commercial television
  • repeats being snuck into the middle of seasons
  • ACT Revenue Office - who charge interest when you're only 2 weeks late and charge it for a whole month!
  • telemarketers - I know it's not the caller's fault but I can't help but be rude to them
  • stupid people who don't realise they are stupid
  • breakfast TV and radio presenters
  • radio stations that play songs I like to death so I don't like them anymore
  • landlords who insist on collecting their rent in person and then don't show up
  • people who reply to e-mails and use my last name as if it's my first name. C'mon people, I sign off with my name, and we all know the naming conventions of the e-mail system in inboxes etc!
I may add more as I think of them.
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    bitchy bitchy
Rainbow Brite

Grey's Anatomy is fiction?

Well, welcome back to civilisation! I've just come home after a stint in hospital for 4 days. That was the first time I've ever been in hospital and I can't say I liked it. I saw no signs of any up and coming cute doctors and nurses. Maybe they were all having their "grey's" moments  away from my room. No lovers tiffs were had across my bed as they ignored the patient. Maybe I was just in the wrong ward. Maybe you have to be in Surgery to get that kind of action.

I must say I did get a kinda cute doctor in emergency, but do you really want a cute doctor when you're feeling, and looking, your worst? Oh well, at least I had an excuse to look crap. And because I assume it is a teaching hospital I was seen by many doctors and students. Apparently what I had was quite a novelty. Although even at discharge time they still didn't actually know what I had. An extreme case of hives is the best they could come up with.

Most depressing was that I didn't get my own room, even though I was in there as a "private" patient. Had to share with a crotchety old woman who was most unhappy. I guess I can't blame her as she had been waiting for 12 months for back surgery and had it cancelled the night before it was scheduled to happen. So now she's apparently back at the bottom of the waiting list, which makes no sense to me. But now I've seen this 'health crisis' in action.

After watching so many medical shows I was surprised about how dingy the whole place was. As I said, I had to share a room with one other, and a bathroom with 3 others. My ward seemed to include stroke victims so I was with lots of old people (who need their TV up loud but get narky when you have yours up loud enough to actually hear). It really was a miserable place. It seemed that every time I went to use the bathroom there was a little 'surprise' waiting for me when I lifted the lid. How enchanting! And I don't know why anyone in their right mind would want to be a nurse. It seems that all the work is the 'crap stuff' and I really can't see how it would be rewarding. I guess I just don't have that need to help other people.

I discovered on the second day of my confinement that I was expected a daily rental fee for the use of the 34 cm TV which showed nothing but free-to-air TV. Does that sound like a scam or what? I thought it was extremely ridiculous, but what could I do, I would have died without at least TV (although in hindsight it would have saved me from Big Brother). I agreed to pay up, but upon discharge there was nobody around to claim the fee, so I didn't pay. I stole TV time! Ha!

Now that I am home I am a little uneasy about how I will cope. It was nice having the security that if anything was going wrong I could just press a button and ask for another pill. They gave me some pills to have at home but not the nice ones that make me go sleepy. I asked for one just last night so what if I'm not ready to be off them? I guess we'll find out. This could get ugly.

On calling my mum to alert her to my dramas I discovered that she was having her own dramas and had also been admitted to hospital. So that added to my worry. She at least had her own room and was not expected to pay for TV privileges. It seems that sometimes it may actually be better to be sick in the country.

I think the most overwhelming aspect of the whole thing was how my friends reacted. They visited me, brought me gifts and magazines, rang me, SMSed me etc. It really made me realise that these people are what real friends should be and that maybe as a group we've gone beyond hanging out together out of having nothing better to do. It really did make the time when I was feeling terrible, and looking even worse, that much easier. And of course my partner was absolutely brilliant. He stuck with me the whole time I needed him and sat with me even when he was bored stupid. He made sure I had everything I needed. It's his birthday today. Fortunately I had done some of my birthday shopping early so I can still give him something, and we can spend it at home being bored in each other's company instead of in a depressing room around even more depressing people.
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    thankful thankful
eeyore

The itchy and scratchy show

I think I am actually allergic to exercise! I went to the gym last night and this morning I woke up with nasty itchy blotches. Even as I watched Sunrise, debating whether I should go to work, they spread to more parts of me. So I went to the doctor and guess what he told me, guess what he told me. He said girl you'd better try to have fun no matter what you do... oh, no he didn't, that's a song isn't it. Actually he told me I was having an allergic reaction to something. He told me to get some Claratyne and sent me on my way with a medical certificate for 2 days. If only work wasn't so busy at the moment I'd be thrilled. Still, they'll cope without me I'm sure. The doctor also said that if the Claratyne didn't work its magic then I could come back and get something stronger. Well, a couple of hours later I was still scratching (and making my friend itchy from looking at me) so I rang the clinic and asked for a prescription. At first they told me I had to come back and see him, but then I kicked and screamed a little and they agreed to get the prescription written for me and made available to pick up. 2 hours later it still wasn't ready and I had stopped scratching so much so I decided to give up and go home. When I say "go home" that's because I was at my friend's place as I went to a clinic over on the side of town where I used to live as I am unimpressed with the one closer to home, and this place at least has my records. So I decided to hang out with my friend, who has the day off, seeing as I was over that way. Apologies for making you get out of bed!
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    irritated irritated