I think I hate you more than ever now...

Haven't been here in a while...

I dyed my hair blonde. Okay, not really blonde...it turned out kinda of orange lol but I'm not done yet. It's weird. Ever since I dyed it, I've been getting attention like I just got a new hair style or some shit. I like it lol....maybe blondes really do have more fun! I doubt it...I dyed my eyebrows too (I know that's really bad for you, but I'm good) so I would match. Yay! I'm going to Prom as a blonde...

I ever have a date for next year! He's hot...I'm glad he's hot. I've always wanted to take some hot stranger that no one knew but me. lol It keeps him mysterious. Hmmm...

Limo...

I can't wait to get off probation. *sigh* I'm such a bad kid...

I can't wait to get out of here...out...of...HERE! ahhhhhhh...

anyway...g'night..


j0¤

Today was the first day of school...fuck! Most of my classes are ok. I have math with Nicki! I'm happy I have at least one class with her. I don't have any classes with Phil. I don't like him but he's hot and we always flirt in that kind of I-hate-you-with-a-passion way. *sigh* This year is hopefully going to go by fast. I dropped out of soccer so I can work and make money to support my habit haha just kidding...me? Habit? well...food...

I'm currently sitting at Nicki's house...I need some ice cream. Okay, I don't NEED it but I would really like to have some haha

hahahahaha...hahah.hahahahahahah....haahahahaha I'm so tired! I couldn't go to sleep til 2 and I had to wake up at 5:30...

I had the fray stuck in my head all day and it's starting to get annoying since I only know the chorus.

I missed the schools fries lol they kick ass...I love the lunch ladies!

that's all I have for now...

j0¤

FUCK ALARM CLOCKS! I was having a beautiful dream that was only going to get better (if you know what I mean) and the alarm clocks goes off! I hate waking up as it is but...during a good dream?

jo¤

So...hmmm...I haven't updated in a while. Maybe thats because I've been busy and...uh...doing stuff. Yeah...like...stuff. Anyway, I just thought I'd keep myself up with the past few weeks. Uh...I've had fun with Dayne and LeAnna for the past few weekends. Most of the time it was just cool, nothing exotic about our experience or anything too fancy.
Today was our last day of school and...it was fun? Well, I hung out with my favorite people and had a pretty kick ass time...Lets just hope tonight will be fun as well!

God...my heads a 5 right now...ooh, I wonder what she's doing tonight...hmmm.

What I need to focus on:

I need to get an application at Mounts...
Find out when I can go to my diving practices...
SEE if I can even attempt football...
Find out my soccer conditioning and try to attend...
And figure out my traveling shit with who I'm going with and where...

Ahh...that doesn't seem like too much...

jo¤

Captain...

We have a problem...

0¤

I need to hurry up and get my license...Damn. Why did I have to steal that car 2 years go?

I also need to:

Study more.
Pay more attention to wtf is going on around me.
Be more considerate of family members.
Realize that just because something is going well, doesn't mean it will last.
Stop thinking about things that aren't important.
Work out more...well...work out in general. (I'm usually in a sport for every season, but decided to take a break this spring....baad idea)
Eat less....heh...
Eat healthier.
Stop chewing my nails (psh...yeah right)
And last, but not least...get over the past, pat more attention to the present, and worry more about my future...

I just don't know anymore...

j0¤

I have Sectionals coming up in a few days and I haven't practiced since Conference. My ankle is FUCKED! It's so tight and it aches like a bitch. I have ear infections in BOTH ears and to top it off...I have to learn 3 more dives by Thursday. *sigh*...

"Life is hellish. She knew that. But, her smile hinted, she'd burn all that out of her"

j0¤

I thought I was okay. I thought I was getting over him a little bit at a time. And I am...but I haven't quite gotten over the overall situation....

Today was the first time I cried over him. I cried before, but I didn't cry out of anger, sorrow, or any of those emotions. I cried because it was such a shock and I thought it would have at least lasted longer than a lousy month...I cried today out of anger...because it hit me. I know everything there is to know about Derek. His favorite color, band, drink. His history. His family problems. His friends....most of Derek, at least. What does he know about me?...Nothing. Absolutely nothing. I'm so angry that I loved someone like that! I'm so fucking angry that after all THIS STUPID SHIT...I loved him. Don't get me wrong, I still love him, but it's the pure fact that I'm still his friend. I still care...It's not the same love. I can't honestly say that I love him like I used to...I feel so used. Like a Q-tip that was so appreciated for that split second it was being shoved into an ear and is now laying at the bottom of the trash completely forgotten and covered.

I'm so MAD! He normally isn't even the type of person I would go after. He's smart. Yes. But he uses about 10% of his brain 99% of the time. He's a high school drop out. Sure, I guess it's slightly better that he's taking GED classes...but even so...It's a turn off. What a waste of intelligence. What a waste of a beautiful future he could have had. But he won't and I'm sitting here wondering, what the fuck did I see in him?!? People have standards. Everyone does. You cannot deny the fact that you would prefer this person over that person. It's human nature. Nobody thinks "Hell...I'll take anything"...No...not even those pathetic fucks shielding themselves from the world playing video games til death do them part. I have standards and Derek just didn't add up to all of them....none of them. He has a way of thinking that I comprehend, but I'll never be able to understand. I can do better. I can find someone that matches me and my personality. Someone I can call my best friend, my mentor, and mine....I can...I could...I might...but I can't deny the fact that it still hurts. Especially by someone like him.....someone who doesn't care.

I tried calling him last night...he wasn't there. I tried calling him today...he still wasn't there. I'm not calling him to give him a guilt trip, cry to him, or even get him back. I'm calling because I care about him and despite what he has put me through (though I don't think he knows or cares for that matter), I wanted to see if he was doing ok. Of course I wanted to ask him questions, but none of which was to lead up to us getting back "together"...but what I really wanted was closure. Closure...         Maybe I should stop calling and leave it at that. Making our last conversation a 2 second meaningless heap of drunk mumbling....that's the thing I'm debating. Should I just give up like so many have done to him in the past? Or do I keep trying? Does he even want me to be in his life anymore, even if its just as a friend...? So many questions...so little time...

This whole entry is nothing but an overflow of emotions, bitching, and...relief. I've never actually said some of those things out loud. It makes it seem so real. I guess this is the first step to recovery. Admitting that you have to let go...

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On the other hand (yes that was only the left one....) I miss him. My chop stick. (No, not Derek) I can't imagine the amount of pain he is in. I understand if I won't be hearing from him soon. I actually expect it. I miss him, but I think it's for the better if we didn't talk as much....that way, he can't hate me sooner..haha!....

j0¤

I'm sitting in my library anticipating what is about to happen....At 3:30, I'm going to be on a bus to Indy for Conference (Very important diving meet) and I am NOT prepared. Yesturday at diving practice, I ripped through the water but I was lazy...I ended up pulling, maybe even tearing, both of my shoulder muscles...Yeah, ouch...My ankles killing me as well. I think it's actually getting worse. It went from bad, to good, to bad...Fuck me...

Do dreams even mean anything? I've been having weird dreams...good dreams, but when I wake up...I realize they aren't real and my day already starts off bad...*sigh*...

j0¤