iwannag0

Below are just a few of the many poems I wrote while I was going through the worst time in my life when I was 15. I was in a deep depression and writing these poems was a great outlet for me, but there were also other outlets I chose, which were not as safe. I feel like I need to get these poems out there because it feels better for me to share them. 

I just want to warn you that many of the poems are very graphic.






This is a poem that a friend of mine showed me when I was younger and it has stuck with me. It's called "Warped and Twisted".

My husband, Dan, and I married on July 30th, 2011. It was the best day of my life! We knew that we didn't want children right away, so we thought a dog would be more suitable. Exactly one month later, we adopted Josie.

Josie was born July 4th, 2011. We got her when she was eight weeks old. We could choose from three beagle puppies. They were all female. The other two beagle were mostly black with a little bit of brown and no white. They really didn't look much like beagles at all. Josie looked more like a beagle. However, she had no black on her whatsoever, and her brown was more like a chocolate brown. She was gorgeous and had the most beautiful honey eyes. She did have a cute quirk about her. Her tail was not like her siblings. Her tail was knotted and didn't wag quite right. It made us fall in love with her even more.

Neither Dan or I had owned a dog before. We were brand new to this. About an hour after we picked her up, we had to take her to the vet for a normal check up. She had worms and fleas, just like any dog. When we got home, we had to give her her first bath to try to get rid of the fleas. I felt so bad for Josie. She looked like a little terrified rat in the tub. We tried to get the fleas off her, but I felt so bad for her that I took her out of the tub and wrapped her in a towel and just held her. Josie was shaking so much. But then Dan said she still had too many fleas, so we had to put her back in and finish the job. Josie was such a trooper and we eventually got all of the fleas off of her. 

The first week was horrible. Dan and I hardly got any sleep and our lives were consumed by her. I wasn't expecting her to take over my life like she ended up doing. She required attention 24/7. However, it was very fun to play with her and have her as a companion. That weekend, we were going on an annual camping trip to Kentucky to visit with my family. It was almost a ten hour drive and I was really worried how Josie would handle being in a car, especially for that long. I was so thrilled when she slept for the entire time and only had to go potty three times. When we got to the campground, my family fell in love with her like we did. Josie enjoyed going for walks and being pet and held by everyone. It was so funny to watch her eat. She was so excited about her food and she chowed down like there was no tomorrow! As she ate, you could see the food head straight to her tummy and it was so round and she looked so goofy. Josie had an awesome time camping!

The next month had it's ups and downs. Josie loved playing with her toys. She especially loved chewing on bones. Whenever she got a new bones, she would be the happiest puppy ever. She would pounce on it, like a cat, and would be entertained for a couple hours. Josie was a joy to have, but she was also very frustrating. It was difficult to potty train her, but that was to be expected. She was still a little puppy and didn't have good control over her bladder. The part that was difficult to overcome was her licking and nibbling. It was summer, so Dan and I were always wearing shorts. All Josie wanted to do was lick our skin and it was really annoying. She also just wanted to nibble on us. Fortunately, she wasn't too interested in chewing on our shoes or furniture. Eventually, she stopped licking and nibbling. Another downside, was that Josie lost interest in her food. It seemed as if she was bored with the kind of dog food we fed her. We switched to a new brand and she was back to being overly excited about it and she gobbled it up like before.

Over time, Josie was turning out to be the perfect puppy. She was doing well with potty training and we enrolled her into a basic training class at the pet store. She was still having problems with her food. Every few weeks, she would get bored with her food and stopped eating it. So we changed it. We only did this about three times though. We didn't want Josie to get used to her food being switched anytime she stopped eating it. She began to get skinny and would only eat a little bit every once in a while so she wouldn't starve. Dan and I tried many different things, such as soaking her food in water, putting olive oil on it, mixing it with chicken broth.. Josie was a little excited that it was something different, but she never stuck with it. Eventually, the vet suggested we give her soft food because it might hurt her to eat the hard food. So once again, we switched her food. Josie really enjoyed the soft food. But like always, she lost interest. 

In late November/early December, things started to get worse. Josie wasn't interested at all in her soft food, although she still loved her treats. She wasn't as playful as she used to be. All she wanted to do was to sleep on the couch. Josie used to be able to jump on the couch by herself, but at this time, she didn't have the energy to jump. She looked up at the couch with the saddest eyes, just wanting to sleep up there. Dan or I would always pick her up so she could be comfortable. Josie always went to a pillow and slept on a pillow. One day, Josie was more lazy than normal. She began to throw up all over the house. She also had diarrhea. That night, we woke up every half hour because she had to go to the bathroom so much. I took her to the vet as soon as I could. They gave Josie some tablet to stop the nausea and it seemed to help for a while. She still wasn't interested in her food, so she was quickly deteriorating. 

About two weeks later, Josie had another episode of vomiting and diarrhea. She looked like the saddest dog I've ever seen. The vet did some blood tests on her. I was hoping something would be found so we could fix whatever the problem was. Unfortunately, nothing was found. I was disappointed because there had to be something wrong with Josie. I just wanted to make her feel better and make sure she became healthy by eating again. The vet suggested we do an x-ray on her since she wasn't eating, there could be some sort of blockage. Of course, the x-rays didn't show anything. However, the vet suggested there might be a vein that puppies are born with and it gradually decreases in size that didn't decrease. This vein could be restricting her esophagus, which would make it painful for her to eat. The vet wanted to do another test. This test was a bromine test. It is some sort of dye that is put into Josie's mouth to see where it would go when she swallows. Unfortunately, Dan and I were headed back to Ohio for Christmas, so the test would have to wait until we came back. 

Dan, myself, Josie, and our cat, Miley, headed to Ohio for the holidays. Josie mostly sat on the passengers lap the entire time. We arrived in Ohio the morning of December 23rd. Dan and I wanted to get a second opinion about Josie, so we took her to the vet that my parents used for their cats. This vet couldn't believe Josie was almost six months old. She thought Josie was more like three months old. Once she mentioned it, I realized that it seemed like Josie hadn't grown much since about after the first month we had her. The vet was also surprised that Josie could even stand at all. She gave us many possibilities that could be wrong with Josie and even came to the same conclusion about the vein restricting her esophagus. We scheduled to have the bromine test done for the following Thursday. However, the vet said, that no matter what they found out to be wrong with her, it was going to require surgery. She was very concerned that Josie would not make it through any type of surgery due to her state. I was furious with our vet in Mississippi because she never showed any signs of being concerned. She always said Josie looked great, except for being skinny and not eating like she should. But she always just suggested changing foods. She never suggested that we should run any sort of tests until I brought up that I thought something was seriously wrong with her and she did the blood tests and x-ray. I was enraged that the vet in Mississippi thought everything was alright and I was mad because I feel like something could have been done before things got as worse as they did. I deeply appreciated the vet in Ohio being honest with us and telling us that something was really wrong with our dog. 

That evening, I had an informal class reunion at a bar that I wanted to attend. Dan and I went there and didn't get home until late that night. The next morning, Josie had to go to the bathroom around six. I was a bit irritated because I didn't get much sleep that night. So I got up with her and after she did her business, I layed on the couch and she slept with me. It was really nice to get to sleep with her for a few hours. On Christmas Eve, we opened present with my parents and sister. That evening, we headed down to my grandma's, just a few houses down. We left Josie at my parents house because there were going to be a lot of people at my grandma's house. After we opened presents, I was starting to miss Josie. So I went down to my parents house to get her. Things were starting to get more calm at my grandma's house and we were just playing card games. All Josie wanted to do was to sit in mine or Dan's lap. She was so tired. 

It was late in the evening when we all went back to my parents house. We watched some TV with my parents before going to bed. When Dan and I were laying in bed, we felt so bad for Josie. It sounded like she was breathing a lot faster and harder than normal. Every few minutes she would whimper as if she was in pain. We put her in the bed with us and spent some time cuddling with her. We knew what we had to do, but didn't want to do. I went to my parents bedroom crying, asking if they could take us to the emergency vet. The entire ride there, I was just petting Josie on my lap as she slept, knowing it would be the last time she would enjoy a car ride. It was a little after midnight on Christmas day when we arrived at the emergency vet. They took us back right away and I was so afraid. Josie just wanted to sleep on my lap and I felt horrible when I had to put her on the table. She did not want to be touched by the vet. She growled and snapped at him while he tried to look at her. All she wanted was to be help by me or Dan. I began to bawl because there wasn't anything I could do. The vet had to check her out, so Dan held Josie on the table. Once he was done checking her out, she was able to return to my arms and rest once again. I cried the whole time holding her because I just felt so awful for her. The vet said her heart sounded healthy, but her lungs had moisture on them, which was not a good sign. That is why Josie was having a troublesome time breathing. The vet continued talking, but I wasn't paying attention to him. I was focused on Josie and concentrating on the last moments we had together. Dan knew that all of the roads were leading to one thing - We had to put Josie down. The vet said that would be the best thing for her. I cried even harder at the confirmation of the news. 

Dan and I had our final moments with Josie. We held her and gave her so much love. We did not want to have this time end. It was time and the vet tech came in to get her. I handed Josie to her and gave her one last kiss. Then I turned to Dan and cried and cried. 

Putting Josie down was the hardest thing I ever had to do in my life. It was the most hurt I have ever felt. I didn't understand why a puppy so young had to be put down. Why? What did she do to deserve this? She wasn't even six months old yet! It just isn't fair. At least I know she isn't in pain and isn't starving anymore. The four months Josie was in our lives were some of the most stressful months, but also the most joyous and rewarding months. I will forever have memories of Josie and will always remember the good times spent with her.