Many of the posts in this community focus on the socially rebellious nature of the INTJ- how we don't really care what others think and how we are frustrated by inane social ritual and that others just "don't get introverts" and other related gripes.
Of course, we INTJs also have another side, a very sensitive and powerfully emotional side. We're just not very good at managing it, so we tend to ignore it when we can. I'd like to talk about that. One of the descriptive statements I've seen applied to INTJs is that we are "hypersensitive to rejection", which I find very interesting. For a type whose bravado is so very devil-may-care what others think of me, we are a very soft-shelled people when it comes to rejection from others that we respect or care about. For the most "confident" type, we can also be, when out of our area of expertise, extremely insecure.
I'd like to hear about other's experiences with this "hypersensitivity" or really anything about the importance of having other people in your life.
I'll try to illustrate from my own life. I'm a very confident person regarding certain aspects of my self. I have a strong sense of self-worth that is so deeply ingrained that I am often shocked that anyone could consider that their own existence is not also intrinsically worthwhile. I tend to find my own closely held beliefs important, and generally I hold those beliefs to be unimpeachably true (until, of course, I choose to revise them). It doesn't really matter what these beliefs are, but I hold my ability to make decisions and have my own valid opinions to be so intrinsic to my "self" that it is also surprising when I find that other people don't always just trust themselves.
Now, I guess that all might sound arrogant and awful, but I think a lot of INTJs feel the same way. The funny thing is, despite how much I value my self, I do not expect others to value me. Part of this is, I think, my assumption that others think of me the same way that I think of them. Since I value my own conclusions over those of others, I assume that others must not value me very much, either. Sometimes, though, I DO value someone's beliefs and opinions and even defer to them because it has been proven to me that this person is more capable of making good judgements in their own area of expertise than I am.
With these folks, it is like my entire sense of self is turned on it's head. I feel totally exposed and vulnerable to them. These people tend to be the people that I really like, and want to have as friends or they are people that I'm romantically interested in. They could also be people that I respect and look up to, like professors or other people whose opinions I highly value. This is where my "hypersensitivity" begins to act up, I think. I find it very hard to share my own opinions or beliefs with these people, because *EGASP*, what if they think I'm WRONG? I also find it hard to let these people know how much I care about them, because what if they don't care about ME? I can become obsessive over it if I'm not careful.
I think that to others this often presents itself as "shyness", both with the people that I don't really care about (who I don't interact with because I don't want to) and the people that I DO care about (who I don't generally initiate contact with for fear of rejection). One thing that I've been really working on in the last few years of my life is valuing other people, even if they don't immediately prove themselves to be super amazing ultra geniuses. Over time a lot of my youthful arrogance has faded away, and I know that once I get to know a person, nearly every time I find something about them that I can really respect and value. So I've tried to just value people from the beginning, because I can stand to learn something from just about everyone, and I'll never get to learn it if I dismiss them as unimportant from the start. This makes me much more vulnerable to people- but I think learning to deal with this is probably much healthier than how I treated people before.
It also makes me much more likely to play social games- often I can enjoy them on some level or another, and they're just a practical thing to do. They are important to others, and without them I can't really get to the meaningful and illuminating interactions that I have come to value. I guess I don't mind the inane social rituals if they have a valuable payout. I've even come to find that I need those rituals as well, because I can be so shy that my opinion on the weather is all that I actually care to reveal about myself! They're frustrating, because I'm not very good at them, but I guess that's all the more reason to practice. :P
And if you managed to read this whole thing without getting too bored or anything, you're awesome. Hahaha. I'd probably never manage it.
Of course, we INTJs also have another side, a very sensitive and powerfully emotional side. We're just not very good at managing it, so we tend to ignore it when we can. I'd like to talk about that. One of the descriptive statements I've seen applied to INTJs is that we are "hypersensitive to rejection", which I find very interesting. For a type whose bravado is so very devil-may-care what others think of me, we are a very soft-shelled people when it comes to rejection from others that we respect or care about. For the most "confident" type, we can also be, when out of our area of expertise, extremely insecure.
I'd like to hear about other's experiences with this "hypersensitivity" or really anything about the importance of having other people in your life.
I'll try to illustrate from my own life. I'm a very confident person regarding certain aspects of my self. I have a strong sense of self-worth that is so deeply ingrained that I am often shocked that anyone could consider that their own existence is not also intrinsically worthwhile. I tend to find my own closely held beliefs important, and generally I hold those beliefs to be unimpeachably true (until, of course, I choose to revise them). It doesn't really matter what these beliefs are, but I hold my ability to make decisions and have my own valid opinions to be so intrinsic to my "self" that it is also surprising when I find that other people don't always just trust themselves.
Now, I guess that all might sound arrogant and awful, but I think a lot of INTJs feel the same way. The funny thing is, despite how much I value my self, I do not expect others to value me. Part of this is, I think, my assumption that others think of me the same way that I think of them. Since I value my own conclusions over those of others, I assume that others must not value me very much, either. Sometimes, though, I DO value someone's beliefs and opinions and even defer to them because it has been proven to me that this person is more capable of making good judgements in their own area of expertise than I am.
With these folks, it is like my entire sense of self is turned on it's head. I feel totally exposed and vulnerable to them. These people tend to be the people that I really like, and want to have as friends or they are people that I'm romantically interested in. They could also be people that I respect and look up to, like professors or other people whose opinions I highly value. This is where my "hypersensitivity" begins to act up, I think. I find it very hard to share my own opinions or beliefs with these people, because *EGASP*, what if they think I'm WRONG? I also find it hard to let these people know how much I care about them, because what if they don't care about ME? I can become obsessive over it if I'm not careful.
I think that to others this often presents itself as "shyness", both with the people that I don't really care about (who I don't interact with because I don't want to) and the people that I DO care about (who I don't generally initiate contact with for fear of rejection). One thing that I've been really working on in the last few years of my life is valuing other people, even if they don't immediately prove themselves to be super amazing ultra geniuses. Over time a lot of my youthful arrogance has faded away, and I know that once I get to know a person, nearly every time I find something about them that I can really respect and value. So I've tried to just value people from the beginning, because I can stand to learn something from just about everyone, and I'll never get to learn it if I dismiss them as unimportant from the start. This makes me much more vulnerable to people- but I think learning to deal with this is probably much healthier than how I treated people before.
It also makes me much more likely to play social games- often I can enjoy them on some level or another, and they're just a practical thing to do. They are important to others, and without them I can't really get to the meaningful and illuminating interactions that I have come to value. I guess I don't mind the inane social rituals if they have a valuable payout. I've even come to find that I need those rituals as well, because I can be so shy that my opinion on the weather is all that I actually care to reveal about myself! They're frustrating, because I'm not very good at them, but I guess that's all the more reason to practice. :P
And if you managed to read this whole thing without getting too bored or anything, you're awesome. Hahaha. I'd probably never manage it.