So Honestly I wasn't trying to single out Tomi and make her seem like a freak. I didn't realize it and if I had I would have stopped. I just don't realize a lot of things or maybe I tend just to tune people out. I've gotten good at ignoring a lot of people and just not caring. Only because people lately have completely turned into utter jerks. I am not saying that this is Tomi btw. It just fit in with my apology and everything because I don't think she is either a jerk or a freak. She is Tomi and she is one of the few people I know who is willing to admit what she likes and isn't afraid of others and that is a good thing. So I don't look at her in that negative way and I really do feel bad for pointing out those things the way I did.
Anyhow on a different note; I have no flippin clue where I am I going to college and if I am even going. Not the best thing ever but I guess it's my fault for putting it off and dealing with other things. To tell the truth I don't know if I could even handle it with everything else I've got going on. Eh, I should figure out soon. At least I'm still sending in some applications.
Sooo I dunno. I guess now that school is in session I might actually right in this thing more. Either that or I'm lying and will probarly write about it three times each month, which I suppose is better then nothing. Anyway I don't know today was very complicated and I'm kind of super annoyed.
I seriously can not wait to leave this place. There are maybe about five people in the whole world I'll miss excluding Kyle. If he ever figures out exactly what he is doing in his life because Lord knows that I have no clue at all. Anyway he hopefully wants to be done with school by the end of this year which I can't blame him but I kinda wish he was going for his high school dipoloma instead of his G.E.D. but that's just me and everyone says that looks better. Eh I dunno the important thing is that he is happy and accomplishs his dreams in life.
I'm really shocked that our relationship has even lasted. Just because of the fact he was in love with Beckie forever which was the reason I hadn't even wanted to try the relationship ever. I don't even remember what changed my mind about it. I am glad though and this seems like another sappy loser message but its seriously how weird the people you think you won't ever be that close to or whatever just come into your life and change everything.
In the past year, I have changed a mass amount. I no longer hang out with the same group of friends (not that I don't like them its just we don't exactly blend anymore) and my issues and concerns have completely changed too.
Its kinda of refreshing but I know there is still a lot more in store for me and its kinda scary and it makes me wish Tiss was here because I've got so much drama and she just helped me out mucho mas but she has to be in that lame North Carolina. I told her if I ever ever got married that she was going to come be one of my bridesmaid.
Anyway I dunno this entry was kinda blah and what not but mmmmm I just dont know
I havnt updated this thing in just about forever and a day. Its been over a month but things are settling down more maybe now that school has started so thats a plus.
Basically I feel like a complete loser lately. I have no friends it feels like in school. The two people I care about and share things with are Kate and Kyle. The people who I thought were my friends I feel like they just put up with me because they have for years. Either that or I'm ultra paranoid. I'm not sure but eh...
On the plus side I went to see Jared the other day. He looks so weird. All of his hair is gone and they installed this halo in his head and everything. I was so nervous and I didn't know what to say to him at all. He's gone through so much in over a month it's weird. I'm still really worried about it though. I held his hand for a while and just kinda talked to him and then wrote like a page in this notebook his mom had set out for people to right in. I hated seeing him like that. He can't talk and he has a million things sticking out of him. The only way he can really communicate is by wiggling his feet and right now he's got an infection so he's all worn out.
At least he is alive. I am really really happy about that. He has a long way to go though but I'm glad he is alive. The doctors stil have no clue about any of his brain damage though. So that makes me nervous. I don't know how to deal if he has some major things wrong. I just need to relax though and let things happen. Still I just want everything to be fine with him. I've known him my whole life so its frustrating.
Plus ontop of worrying about this I seriously can't take some people being at school. I feel horrible still about the thing that happened this summer and Kate upset me because she acts like I shouldn't be as upset about it as I am but I am. I don't know how to deal with it and it did happen and I feel like everyday I have to be reminded of it. Its frustrating and I'm trying to let it go but its seriously hard and I'm not even sure how to just make it go away. I'm just glad Kyle's been supportive through all my random moods and everything.
Today though I thought my heart was going to stop for a while. I had this mini-panic thing that just freaked me out because of having to deal with it and I had to stop and pause for a second. I just want things to be back to normal already :/
I am trying to get my life back in order but it's really hard. I need to face up to things and I don't think I can. I am afraid when school does begin that I am going to crumble.
On the bright side tomorrow consists of spending the whole day with my best friend Mary and getting to see Kyle. So both of those are a plus. That has been my basic summer spending time with the two of them. It's good I guess. I just I dunno.
I am getting into the phase where I really don't like people anymore. I even got snapish at Kyle today and he didn't do anything. I felt like a jerk for it and told him I'd talk to him later when I was more myself because right then I felt like crud.
I just need for all of this to pass and me go back to being happy but hey at least my lj entries aren't half as filled with teen angst and emoness as they used to be.
So I'm glad that all of my friends seem happy and what not thats good. School is starting up soon so that's another positive.
I'm leaving tommorow and won't be back until the 16th so I'm pretty excited about that. Except the fact that I will have no contact with anyone outside of those people at camp. Which means no talking to any of my friends or Kyle. I am excited though that I'll see Mary and Crystal the 11th-16th. So Thats a yay.
Besides the fact that camp will give me a chance to wind down from all of the stress that my family causes me. I'm almost about to murder my sister and the fact she can't keep her hands off of anything. She takes my clothes and everything and then worst of all she loses them and then lies to me about the situation. I dont know it wouldn't be so bad if she didn't lie and the fact that she thinks for some reason I'm like a fat cow. Actually I wear the same size clothes as her and I dropped a pants size since the begining of summer thank you very much miss witch.
Im just glad that I have other people around which is a big plus. Especially Kyle, I can't beleive how much that I actually care about him its crazy. I defiantly didnt expect to ever date him but its good and at least I dont have to worry about him getting along with my friends or not. He likes all of my friends even Tomi who makes him waltz with her.
Except this whole entire racing thing makes me all nervous especially when I go to update this today cause Im too hyper to go to bed I get on myspace and he sends me a message that he almost wrecked his car but he is perfectly okay. Gosh and this is like the third week in a row that something has gone wrong and what not. Its very distracting especially when I hate cars in the first place but at least he is doing something that he loves.
I'm hoping today is going to end up being fun I mean It should be fun and everything but ahh
I feel like such a girly dork I've never *tried* this hard with a boy before
I mean I've changed my outfit like three times already
that IS not me
I find an outfit and I call it good and wear it
I don't worry about such navie things but I guess it could be considered a good thing
I'm really happy that I have Kyle and I've actually stuck with a relationship
Everyone knows how on and off again Collin and I were and that wasn't good at all lol
So Its nice to be with someone who I can actually be with
It seems to me sometimes that Collin was just a safety net Just a guy who I knew was always going to be there. That sounds mean and I don't mean it to but thats how I feel. I cared about him but not even close to how I feel about Kyle. Thats sad five years on and off compared to six months. I don't know but then again Kyle has helped me out a huge deal especially these past couple of months and that makes for better bonding or whatever I guess. Not that I ever really saw myself with him lol its nice though.
So He'll be here at 4 or so He has to shower and everything then drop his little sister off then we get to spend the rest of the day together., WHICH im shocked about because when he first brought up wanting to hang out today his mom was being an utter witch
yet last night I guess he asked and she said okay without him having to say anything or her complaining or anything. So I'm pretty happy and I'm off to finish some things up before he gets here.
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