bradXdeath

I have come to the realization that I have a type. The girls I seem to be super attracted to all have a lot in common and I just keep noticing it. Heres what I've come up with:
1. Hair - Generally short(er) and dark or red. Sometimes highlighted/colored a different unnatural color.
2. Glasses - Seems to be common
3. Height - Usually shorter than me, often a lot shorter
4. Pale skin - with the exception of Maggie who had somewhat darker skin, most of my exes have been pale
5. Somewhat skinny - pretty self explanitory

List of examples:

Kari Keith - all of the above
Megan Kizer - all of the above
Maggie - all of the above with darker skin
Brigitte - all of the above

Totally weird how I am attracted to all of these girls, and now Jazmine shows up in my life and fits this description to a t and is really awesome, its too bad James is pretty much dating her already.

Now how do I find girls like this who don't suck?

I guess I'm going to write some things here. I'm not sure where this will end up or what all I'm going to say but I need to write this down.

To put it bluntly, I'm depressed. And I know a lot of people these days say that they are depressed but I'm pretty sure I know what its really like. I feel like crap a lot of the time. Its really hard to want to get out of bed in the morning. I sleep about 4.5 to 6 hours a night, which is not really enough. I think part of has to do with my living arrangements. The roommates tend to party a lot, and the newest one is no exception. I don't really mind the hours I sleep, I don't know how to get better quality sleep either way.

Work leaves something to be desired as well. I thought switching to days would be a good thing in the long run. Less dealing with drunks, the dark, being up way too late all the time, but the money just doesn't seem to be there anymore. I feel like I'm wasting/biding my time until something better comes along but lately I don't know what that could be.

I would love to just go out there and find a new job using my degree but I'm seriously at a loss at how to do that. I'm 5 years out of college now with barely a year or so of decent experience under my belt. I've got no confidence in my skills or talent, no clue where to look for jobs, and no clue how to apply for them. I've got a resume, I should be qualified for something but I'm afraid of rejection. The last job I had an interview for, I couldn't even contact the person who interviewed me or the one who set the interview up. Talk about lack of professionalism on their part.

The main reason for writing all of this is to attempt to describe in writing how I feel. I don't want to do anything, like anything at all. Its hard to get up in the morning for work. Part of that I think has to do with congestion, but it can't be all of it. Work is kind of tough also, I don't want to be there, but I get my work done. My boss got fired yesterday, a fellow day driver is becoming a manager so I guess thats good for him, I might get put on a regular schedule, but who knows who is making the schedule in the future. Chores, cleaning, doing the dishes, paying bills, laundry are all very difficult for me to get motivated to do. I don't grocery shop, I pretty much exclusively eat fast food/out for dinner and eat lunch at work.

I've been trying to go to counseling, my new counselor is pretty great but we keep having scheduling conflicts. I think meds would really help me feel better/normal but the doctor at the counseling center is booked a couple months out. I can't afford to go out and find a doctor. My mom said she'd pay for it but I feel awful asking for more help from her.

I worry about things pretty much constantly. I worry about money, I don't feel like I make enough at Jimmy Johns. I feel like my bills are outrageous. I'm pretty much overwhelmed by credit card debt, I pay more for my car payment every month than I do for my rent. I worry about my car, its so expensive every month, but I need it for work. I don't have insurance, which was a big pain last year but its been bad this year too. If I had insurance I could go and get my sinus problems checked out, I could go to the dentist and get my teeth cleaned and fixed up, I could afford to see a doctor for my brain and get the meds I need to even me out, but insurance through jimmy johns isn't affordable for me.

I get so jealous and frustrated when I think about my friends who are successful. I watch my roommate Kevin talk about work all the time and wish I was in his shoes. He's working this great job, has great benefits, is happy and productive and I just wish I could be like him more. I just don't know what to do to get there.

I really miss having someone special in my life, or someone who cared close to me. My family isn't here, I don't feel like I've got close friends who genuinely care close to me. Yeah they may say they care, but I never feel sure anymore. I got super into dating Brigitte in October and then ended things in December and haven't really talked to her since. It bums me out because she's the first genuine connection I've had in awhile and now looking back on it she just never gave it a chance.

I hate feeling this helpless, and thats really how I feel. I know I need to make changes but I don't know what or how to make them. I could move home and back in with one of my parents, but that would take me away from my friends and some jobs here in Indy. It would help with my rent and put me closer to my family, but I don't know where I'd work up there. I thought about filing for bankruptcy but that would really only take care of my credit card debt and would set me back a bit with my credit, which is apparently decent right now. I wish I could get rid of my car, but I owe about 9500 still on it from trading in my old car. Its definitely not in great shape and its only worth about 5k anyways. My mom is currently helping me pay off my student loans but she's only going to do that until August.

I really just want to get better, get back to my old self, the productive confident strong person I felt like I was a year and a half ago before I got shot. The positive thinking happy person I was back then, but I can't seem to find him anymore. I feel bitter and angry, frustrated, helpless, tired, lazy and like a failure. I don't want to feel this way anymore, but I don't know how or what to change.

I haven't written in this thing much since I got shot. Hell I haven't posted much at all. Lately I keep getting thrown into these bouts of depression that leave me so messed up that I don't know what way is up. I honestly don't know why I'm here or who I am any more than I ever have, and it scares me shitless. I don't know why I moved to Indianapolis in the first place. I'd like to think I did it in order to get out of Lafayette, but I liked it there. I miss my friends on a daily basis, and I could go back if I wanted, but its never going to be the same. I miss my family a lot too. I want to go see them very badly, spend a week with just them but I can't. I can't afford it, I can't afford anything really. I am broke, and very far in debt. I see these commercials late at night offering debt relief and I think, man if only it were that easy. I know its not, but I've got to do something, got to make some sort of change. I like my job some days, its super easy, I make decent money, but its not enough to get out of debt as quickly as I'd like. I know I should be doing something more degree related, because hey I graduated college for a reason. I don't know that I'm qualified for anything anymore. I've been out of school for almost 4 years now, compared to the competition thats out there, none of my skills are fresh in my mind, and I have very little useful experience. I do have a shiny piece of paper that says I made it through school though. I guess that counts for something. Why did I even take that job at Pizza Express my senior year. I met a lot of awesome people through that job, but made a lot of bad decisions because of it.

I start counseling on Tuesday. The hospital called the other day about something. Haven't heard from them since I returned their call. I'm hoping its good news, but I'm guessing its not. I really don't want to deal with the hospital bills at all, luckily they've been on hold for awhile now.

First off, thanks to any of you pirates who showed concern for me after my whole crazy gun-shot incident. I really appreciate the support of total strangers being in this mess. I'm doing really well, I've been out of the hospital for 2 weeks, no major complications from surgery and I've road my bike twice on my mag trainer as its a bit much to go up and down hills right now. Hoping to keep training all winter and get back my strength in my legs and work on my lung capacity that way. Anywho, just wanted to let you guys know I'm doing well and that I can't wait to get riding again.

Brad

I was hanging out in Broad Ripple with a bunch of kids the night before Halloween. Around 3:45 am, I was bored and decided to walk my costume to my car. Normally I'd be parked in the Jimmy Johns lot, but it was super packed, therefore I parked a block away.

I dropped my costume off, put a hoodie on, and started walking back towards JJs. This is when shit went down. Four guys were walking towards me on the sidewalk clowning around and being silly. I thought nothing of it. Then all of a sudden two of them approached me. One of them said, “Empty your pockets bro.” I said "Are you serious?" as it was Halloween and I thought they were joking. Then the other hit me in the back of the head. I turned around and looked at him and said “Seriously?” And then the other guy pointed a gun at me.

I looked at the gun; it looked fake. I didn't think anything of it and said, "Get that toy out of my face, I'm out of here." I started to walk towards Jimmy Johns. Then I heard him say, "Forget this, I've got him," and heard the bang. I felt pain in my side immediately. It knocked the wind out of me. Then I saw blood on my hands.

I grabbed my side and then the guys bolted. I wisely called 911 quickly and cops showed up within five minutes, EMT in seven. I gave them all of my information and then they loaded me into the ambulance. They rushed me to Methodist Hospital. I was in the emergency room answering a barrage of questions from doctors, police, and nurses. Then they put me under so they could work on my chest to try and find the bullet and make sure there was no major organ damage.

I woke up about two hours later. They moved me into a room where they could monitor me continuously. After surgery I had a tube in my chest to drain blood and fluid, a tube in my nose to drain fluid from my stomach, three different iv's: right arm, left arm, jugular in my neck, and a bandage from my sternum to my belt line covering an incision that took 24 staples to close. I started on IV fluids and had a morphine drip for pain, although I only used it 3 times.

Saturday was rough. I couldn't really talk due to being severely dehydrated. Eventually they let me chew on ice and rinse my mouth out. Sunday I got moved into a different room after they took the nasal-gastro tube out and allowed me to drink water. They switched me to a clear liquid diet next, and removed my IV fluids once I could keep that down. Eventually that changed to all liquids and then to solid foods. One by one my life support systems came off. By the last day I just had one IV for my medication and a blood oxygen monitor.

Honestly, I'm not even upset about this whole ordeal. I'm not looking forward to paying bills for this, as I do not have insurance. I'll do whatever I need to take care of it and I have faith that I will figure something out. I have created a Paypal button if anyone cares to donate, I would greatly appreciate anything.

I'm happy to have the friends I have. My deepest thanks go out first and foremost to my parents Bruce Urban and Cindy Critchlow and my roommates Charles, Kevin and Jo. Charles was there when I needed someone right away with my parents being 2 hours away. Thanks to my parents for taking care of me while I was stuck in the hospital and after. Thanks also to everyone who visited and sent me things: Adam Riley, Jim Barron, Russian Mike, xRyanx, Barret, Steve, Owen, Scott Thomas, Josh and Robyn, Kurt, Danielle, Matt Gorman, Chris Kellar, Alex Latus, Doug Gigowski, Chad Horsey, Alison C, Liz W, Erica W, Shea and Tori, The Coreman Condo, Eric, Matt, Scott; My co-workers from JJs: Evan, Claire, Lance, Brent, Ginny, Brandon; Hot Box Pizza: Kyle, Turkish, Nikki; and last but certainly not least Christina Cooper for being here every day by my side.

Moral of the story, don't stand up to muggers unless you can take a bullet. My PMA is still alive.

Brad

Today (Saturday) was a very strange day. I learned so much, am upset at the moment, and yet not at all. In an attempt to make some sense of the day/my life I'm going to sort my thoughts into categories.

Work:
Today was a great day at work. I really did not want to be there when I first arrived but after a bit I got really excited about it. I honestly love my job at the moment. I make good money, I like my managers a lot, my co-workers for the most part rule. All in all its a great job and I'm damn good at it. I've realized that my previous judgment that Kyle was my favorite manager was completely ass backwards and Brent wins. For awhile I thought Brent was pissed at me because I said shit when he wasn't working. I wasn't mad at him personally but the things I said could have been taking poorly. Basically I compared his management style to Kyle's and someone told him. I thought he was mad, and that Benny was the one who ratted me out, but it turns out Kyle has been telling him everything, and he thinks its hilarious. Bottom line, not everything is ever as it seems. I even get along very well with Maggie's brother, which I thought would be awkward at first.

I'd eventually like to find a "real" job that uses all of my many skills. Honestly as generic as that sounds, its completely true. My whole goal in life is to make things better. No matter what, I want things to be done quickly, very efficient, and better. I've been doing this my whole life. I'd like a job that allows me to observe things and come up with my own observations. I'd like to improve things somehow, develop new processes of thought, and use my brain.

Friendship:
I feel completely out of place with some of my friends. Honestly, I love hanging out after work and going to breakfast, but I feel like the group of friends doesn't really include me. To be completely honest I think part of it was my need for space a month or two ago when I was really depressed. I feel like people just flat out don't call me to see if I want to hang out. Its like Myspace is the universal lines of communication for a few of them. I don't fucking get it. Maybe I'm just too old for this crowd.

Relationships:
I'm getting more and more comfortable with myself as of late. I have this horrible habit of meeting a lady, starting to get into them, getting really into them, and then finding something wrong and dropping it completely. Ask any of my friends, its how I work. I don't know why, I just do. I really like someone right now, but I know its never going to work out the way I want and yet I keep trying to make it work.

The current situation involves someone I just can't be with. She doesn't live here, she's too young for me, she doesn't drive, her parents are overprotective. I finally was going to have time to hang out with her this weekend, even for a day, and she can't because her friend basically fucked her over Saturday night in St. Louis. Her mom drove there from Chicago to get her because of her friend's actions.

I'm just bummed out because I tried so hard to make these plans work and yet they fell apart.

Spirituality/Faith:
And finally we come to the subject of spirituality. I've been doing a lot of soul searching lately (not to be confused with soul seeking, which I've been doing as well). I've never been too fond of the Christian, monotheistic religions. Sometime my freshman year of college, I realized that my life follows a process of rebirth of sorts. I change things in my life to constantly improve it. I have a phoenix on my back, it was my first tattoo, and I feel it is somewhat my spirit animal.

I've been searching for something to fill the gaps in my life. I've read a few books on Buddhism. I spoke with a friend and I am going to read a book on Taoism soon as well. The nice thing about Taoism is the concept of the inter connectivity of everything in life. I definitely find myself searching for something more. Some bands of the mid-nineties were into the Krishna movement, so that's also an option. Either way, much reading is necessary in the future.

Highlights include:
Walking almost 3 miles to the venue
Seeing Converge play for almost 2 hours and play every song I wanted to hear.
Boiling Over and Poison Planet killing it
Hope Conspiracy playing Defiant Hearts and songs from Cold Blue
Staying at a kick ass Hostel and meeting cool kids from out of state

Saturday looking forward to:
Convicted
Trial
Ringworm
Blacklisted post show
Pick Me Up
Sleep

closing/counting money right now, but I just cannot focus. I think I am completely burned out on this job and I do not know what to do now. I feel like the 5 years I spent in college got me a degree that I cannot back up with anything. I feel that I learned stuff, but never anything I wanted to do anything with, and now here I am working a job that I'm not sure I ever wanted. I enjoyed my job when I was just me and the road I had to deal with, and now I'm just sick of everyone's problems causing me stress. To top it all off, I have to work Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, not that I'm religious, but seriously, I have to miss my family. Sucks so hard right now and I just don't know what to do.

In the past 4 months I have done many things, and yet I feel like they have been a blur. Normally when I am referring to days blurring together, I feel like I'm talking about so many good things happening that I forget the bad, but lately I feel as if the inverse might be true.


In May I came to Indianapolis with the intention of becoming the General Manager of the Broad Ripple Hot Box Pizza location. When I moved down here, I stayed with my girl friend at the time, Maggie, and her Mom and brother, with the intention of moving into a place of my own when I found one. The summer was spent training at the store with the current GM in order to better acclimate myself with the differences between the new store and my old store. I was also training to learn the responsibilities of the General Manager. In August I took over and the previous GM stepped down.

Recently, I have come to learn a few things about myself that make me question how much longer I want to work for Hot Box Pizza. Don't get me wrong, I like the company as a whole, but in my current position I question my desire to perform at the level required. Two weeks ago my boss, Gabe, sat down with me and told me that he was not pleased with my performance and that he was worried that my attitude was to blame. I will admit that the things he mentioned were definitely occurring and that my attitude was to blame, but until the past few days I had no idea why my attitude was as it is. I have been snappy with both employees and customers, I haven't been getting all of my work completed, and I've been showing up late to work. Most of all I've been completely unmotivated.

In my reflection and discussions with many family members I have come to determine the things I dislike about my job and why they do not fit into my frame of mind lately.

1. Order. My job lacks order. As a whole, the company of Hot Box Pizza, does not have any sort of method or direction. Since its inception, this company has barely stayed afloat by shear luck and will power of who knows what, but it does not have proper order. There are people attempting to change this, both at store and company levels, but as it is currently there is no real sense of structure or order.

2. Hours. I believe that the amount of time my job requires me to put in is not reasonable for the amount of money I currently making. If I was asked to merely run my store, I believe it would be a fair amount of money. However I am required to both fix and repair the entire store, from top to bottom facility wise, and then also fix and repair staff issues, help with training of franchisees and standardize the company for franchising, I feel I am making no where near what I deserve. If I compare my position to that of any entry level position I could have using the college degree I possess, I am making much less with more responsibility. If I compare my current position to that of an average delivery driver, I am making comparable rates for much more responsibility.

On top of the amount of work required, I work at night which sucks, and keeps me from having any sort of social life. I don't get time off often, or enough that I can enjoy it without someone calling me and interrupting my plans.

3. Responsibility vs. Money. When I started working for Hot Box/Pizza Express I loved my job. I had no responsibility more than just showing up to work on time, doing my job, and getting out. I picked up shifts for people because I enjoy money, and I delivered pizzas and did a damned good job at it, case closed, no questions about it. In May of 06 I came down to Broad Ripple to help out 3 days a week because they needed help and the Lafayette store was slow as balls in the summer. I worked 12 hour shifts 3 days a week, and worked in store the whole time. I eventually ran some shifts, didn't hate it because I wasn't in charge, but didn't really like it because it lacked the money of driving. In August I returned to Lafayette and started delivering again until December when the assistant manager walked out on the store. I stepped up, opened the store back up, ran shift and helped until the GM got back from his honey moon. At this point I should have chose to go back to being a driver, but instead I decided to take a pay increase from 6.50 an hour to 7.25 an hour to become a shift manager. I say pay increase, but over all I lost money on that deal. I eventually worked my way up to Assistant Manager, and made 9.25 an hour. When I moved down to Indy, I got bumped up to 9.50 an hour and barely made enough to get by while in Indy paying bills at 2 places, and trying to deal with the increase in cost of living. And now I make plenty of money, but the level of responsibility has become something I do not desire.

a. I do not like being called about every single problem with the store. Its annoying, it interrupts my life out side of the store, and frankly sometimes I just don't care.

b. I do not enjoy baby sitting. Seriously, you are 17 or older, learn to deal with your problems, don't smoke your brain stupid before work, and do your fucking job.

c. I don't like being responsible for the financial well being of everyone on my staff. Honestly if I could pay people better, I would, the job sucks, the hours suck, and I need to keep my employees happy and I don't know how.

4. Training. I feel that going along with my rant about structure, I feel like the training I have received and various levels of working at Hot Box is lacking. I don't feel like I've been properly trained to do my job since I left Lafayette. I feel like I knew how to do most of what I was doing when I was the assistant manager, but now I'm the general manager and I don't know what to do half the time. I feel like I'm forced to make educated decisions to fix problems that I have no clue how to handle. Shit breaks all the time, and I have to get it fixed because its my job to keep the store open and running, and honestly I'm at a loss half the time. Since I've been here, everything under the fucking sun has broken or stopped working and I'm the one to fix it with no structure or guidance really. I'm not paid well enough for that.

Honestly, I had more, and honestly I don't know what to do about it now. I like the money I'm making, the economy sucks balls right now, and I need a job, but I'm not fucking happy anymore. I can't leave town to go to shows ever, I can't go out and do things with my friends because I'm always at work, and I feel like no one gives a fuck about it. I'm tired of that, I want a job where I can show up, do my work, and go home and be left alone. Case closed. End rant.

(see Brandi, I told you I feel your pain)

Educate yourself: You are responsible for your life, so learn something.