Love when a cat puts all 25 pounds of their 9 pound body right on your soft internal organs.

"I'm looking respectfully" well can you look at me like you're dying of a fever. like you're delirious and it hurts. like you're fighting desperately for your life.

The zipper merge requires a level of cooperation and goodwill that the citizens of this great country have never once displayed

the thing about speaking truthfully from your heart and also being deadpan in your tone is that people will think that you are constantly lying or are being sarcastic. i have never lied about anything ever. except for the times i did lie. but most of those times it was either for the bit or because i thought it would be funny.

jesus christ. fine. ill say it. im sleepy. im sleepy, okay? do you know what being sleepy does to a person? to their spirit? i should be pitied.

Craft stores are just like "can I interest you in some...objects? some items? would you like some things?" and every time I'm like Oooh I love objects and items and things!

sorry I didn't respond to your text. I slept until 1pm and saw it half asleep and then forgot and then remembered it 3 days later and then meant to respond but I had to eat dinner and forgot again and then remembered 5 days later again and then got too much anxiety to respond and then

Chai tea bag + lil but of brown sugar + apple cider packet + 16 oz. mug of hot but not quite boiling water

it will not Fix You but like. maybe. maybe.