I will promise myself I won't care distracting myself from your stare and I've seen this mistake once before with your games I will never fall for I've hung up my guns I won't kill again
[Chorus:] I won't forget you (I won't forget you) I'm not gonna let you win (I'm not gonna...) but I'm tired of lying tired of fighting you and it's not gonna change
You ask for my heart you know that I'm down but not the way you lie to me, you tear it all apart and beg for me to stay I've sailed off to sea (sailed off to sea), I'm not coming back
[Chorus]
Counting down Make that sounds And you know it makes no sense Counting down Till you mess around And I know you can't ever change When I'm trembling, Thrown overboard And I'm ready to relive the past Counting down Make that sounds Break the silence
Pretend it's not forever, I'll pull myself together I'll say that I'll forget her,him I'll breathe. And I'll say she he never hurt me, And look at it as learning, And laugh about the good and the bad. Because I won't live forever We don't belong together, I know I'll feel better, One day when I can make it through.
It still somehow numbly hurts, but it's wearing off .
I've been thinking. I think it would have been my fault that this relationship wasn't going anywhere. I used to think that maybe if i let him have his time and let him sort whatever he has to sort out would be good for our relationship. But i was wrong. One person can't do it alone. One person needs another person to help them to take it away.
I didn't understand why affection was important in a relationship. I thought that as long as you were with the person, it was okay. But now i realised that because i didn't give much affection to him, that it leads him to think that it wasn't working -that it wasn't going anywhere. It sounds silly, but i've thought it through and i've seen something similar to this happened before. When a person doesn't show any sign of interest (affection) to the other person, the other person would think that they don't like them or it's not working because they are not showing any sign of interest. With him giving me hugs and kisses all this time, and I only return little wasn't enough.. it just wasn't working.
Trust me, i've wanted to show him more. I've wanted to open up to him more, but i was being selfish. I thought that if i had gave him more attention // interest // affection i would have liked him even more and i didn't want that cause i didn't want to get hurt. You see, i've felt this coming already. i felt or thought that he had something to work out and so I reserved myself. I told myself i would show more interest in him if we were official cause then i knew i was safe. But...
This is probably sounding really insane. Perhaps i'm just trying to blame it on myself cause then i knew where i had to change. Maybe it just wasnt meant to be and i am just in denial. Whatever it is, it has stick glued to my brain.
For the past few weeks, a girl and boy has been liking each other. Their relationship was okay, it always made them feel a bit happier or their inner pain a lot more bearable when they were with each other. Before they were a semi-item, they were friends for a long time and they seemed to connect everytime they spoke. It was only when they both started to be together, their connection and conversations had died down. At least this girl think so.
The two always thought that there was something missing. It was the thing that connected them up. This bond, this unknown chemistry was missing. They have been trying to connect with each other for quite a while but never succeeding. The girl always had this feeling that this boy never had truely gotten over his ex-girlfriend. Perhaps it's her paranoid thoughts, but it seemed so likely with the facts that he was so vulnerable when they had broken up, the pictures of her in his phone and when his ex-girlfriend had said "F*** off" to him, it hurt. Mind you, they have broken up with each other for a year or two years now. So you can see this paranoid thought seemed so likely to have been reality. Not only was it his ex-girlfriend that the girl wa secretly worried about, it was also the fact that the boy had on and off feelings for the girl. For the girl, her thoughts had been weighing her down. But she always seemed to just push it aside and think of the bright side. The thought of "We are a couple, but i don't think i am ready" was constantly floating in her mind, but she also seemed to be able to push that aside. The meaning of the boy to the girl was, honestly, unknown. She knew she had liked him, she just didn't know how much she had liked him. She doesn't know if she does even like the boy. All she knew was that she was more content when she was with the boy, feeling a little less lonely when she was with the boy. She felt that someone cared for her. She liked this feeling of course. She was so thirsty for someone being there for her that she had somehow became numb with her senses. And perhaps, the boy feels that he needed for someone too that he also had stuck by with her. Now this is just a theory to the girl, she could have been wrong.
One fine evening, the boy decided to have a break between them two. He felt that their relationship wasn't going anywhere and that they needed time apart. He felt that he needed to be single or something similar again. Just for a while, he said. The girl agreed. She knew that this would sooner or later come up. She felt strangely relief and sad. Her heart was bleeding of course, but it wasn't a deep cut. She was okay. She was fine with it. She truely is okay. The pain was bearable. She could feel the pressure being lifted off her shoulders. Maybe it was healthy if they had decided to break up now, it could have been worse.
The girl had seeked advice from her friends. They said that the boy doesn't seemed to know what he wants, one said that it 's better off to get over him, another said he just needed time to think it over. She doesn't know what to think. Now what are your opinion in this? The girl wonders how the boy is feeling and thinking. She wonders what her future has hold for her. Would they ever be together. Right now, it doesn't seem likely. But only time could tell. Let fate runs its course, cause everything happens for a reason.
Apparently he is like me. That he likes me one moment, and then is a bit uhhmmmmm the next. Perhaps that is what we are missing. Missing the extra boost to dig each other fully. So much i am like that as well, i still would like to give it a go. Anything could happen. I never expected something like this would go so complicated. Eccchk. I dont get it. I'm getting mixed signals here, maybe i'm getting a biased opinion/ /outlook on this whole thing. All this relates back to "Are we hurting ourselves uselessly" ?
So much we like each other and we enjoy each other's company, maybe we're both so thirsty for another person's love // touch that we forgot about our true feelings. That is just a thought.
The missing something part. This never occured to me until my homeroom teacher Miss G (she's one of the most beautiful people you can meet. She's beautiful inside and out) mentioned that perhaps we are comparing our relationship with other people's relationship that we think something is missing, when nothing is missing at all because everyone's relationships are different. Maybe. I never thought about it that way.
There seem to be this barrier that is stopping us from reaching to the end - the official lovers point. Perhaps its the whole deal between him and his ex-girlfriend eh? Maybe he didn't want to feel the pain again if we broke up. That is IF we are going to go out in the first place. What is it that we are not fulfilling? What is this gap between reaching the goal? To be honest, i just feel like giving this thing up. To tell him to call it off. It was all too perfect. How foolish was i to think that something so perfect could happen to me? It's all too complicated. I hate it.
I was just wondering would the splittings of him and his ex-girlfriend had led this "hurting ourselves uselessly" chain of thoughts, that i mentioned in the previous entry. I wonder where i stand if he still have this linger of regret and wistfulness that was caused by the old break up. There are days where it was painful for him, but why is it still here? He said he is happy just by thinking of me (same goes for me as well) and i was his priority (probs a joke cause he wouldn't do his assignment), but i wonder if he just likes me because he needs to get over her? Or because i remind him of his ex?
Don't get me wrong. I trust him. I just have a few pieces of thoughts floating in my mind.
Was this why he said, "Are we just hurting ourselves uselessly?". Is it also because he too doesn't know his feelings? My feelings are clearer and clearer by the day. And i really do like him and i hope he feels the same.
I was honestly in a crappy mood in Monday morning when i was late for school because of the stupid bus didnt come for HALF AN HOUR. So i felt pretty bad that i didn't say Hi or goodbye before he went on camp. Now he knows and i hope he believes me.
Something is not quite right at the moment. Maybe we're both seeking too hard for something to talk about, that we have missed the simple things that we used to say to each other.
Was that a hint? Was what he said a hint? Is he trying to call everything off? .. NOW? after everything? "Are we working?" he asked. YEEEEEESSSSSSS!! "I think so. Unless you're having doubts," I said to him, "What do you think? I mean what is on your mind at the moment?" "i think you deserve more attention then i'm able to give you," he replied. Silly him, if he knew how i am thinking. "You give me plenty". "I dont know. Look im always going to want to be close to you, no matter what. I just wonder if we're hurting ourselves uselessly. I dunno im crazy." "No no. I like to know what you're thinking. What do you mean 'hurting ourselves uselessly'? "We could be really healthy friends instead of half-lovers or something. Look i dont think i want to give this up yet ,but i just want to give you a chance to choose ok? thats all. If its still on, leave it be. if its off, say its off."
Apparently it was a chain of thoughts that led him to ask the question. But i dont know, something is telling me that it was something else. Would Chris have told him about my early insecurities. You know with the whole I-dont-know-if-i-would-want-to-go-out-with-him-because-of-something. It's a very likely chance, for
A.) they went on the grade 12 camp together and B.) They're heaps good friends.
Or, did he realised that he didn't like me that way and it was only a gentle way of saying "it's off".
Don't say I didn't say, Perfection leads to disastrous.
Things are going great, ish. Everything is going absolutely great, maybe except for when i'm at home and my school work. I am going to fail this term, no doubt about it. There is always next term to work better and harder.
Him and I are going good if you are wondering. I don't know what's the definition of our relationship at the moment. We're close but no close at the same time. We don't seem to get enough of each other. I suppose we're potential lovers, from his words. How great =). I absolutely love what we have and I absolutely cherish it. He's on the grade 12 camp at the moment, and i can't text him cause my phone got stolen (again!). I'm such a ditz. But i could use mum's phone later, shhhh. And besides, i'm not sure if he's carrying his phone at the moment. I dont know, he makes me feel sooo..warm and fuzzy. I think. I get the butterflies almost everytime i think about him. And this sounds so bad, but i have him on my mind almost every single second of the day. Obsessed? Maybe. Kill me now. No, don't. He said he wuvs me (Not love. Thank gawd). It's a bit.. i dont know. I kinda freaked out when he said that. And he wouldn't stop giving me bloody compliments. Gawd damn that boy. Everytime he tells me i'm beautiful or whatever, it makes be blush. And i wish he would stop it. It makes me feel so bad cause i dont know what to say to him. I think i'm going to tell him what lovely eyes he has. And he does! Green. Green. Green. Noice.
The situation isn't going anywhere. Still the awkwardness. I wish this discomfort would just climb a bridge and run away already. If this keeps going on i don't know if everything we had will last, this includes our friendship. We even might be too embarrased or something to talk to each other and slowly we'll drift apart. I would really hate that to happen, I really would. I am really scared that i'll lose everything with him. I am really scared that I would do something wrong to hurt or upset him. I am really scared that i would end up not having feelings for him. I am really scared of going out with him. I am really scared that he'll take this too seriously. I am really scared that he would take me the wrong way. And i am really scared i'll lose him. Can you see how much i treasure the moments we shared? Can you see how i loved the way he cared? Can you see how scared i am feeling? Can you see why i hate the awkward moments? I've been here too many times and I dont want to end up losing everytime. I dont want my mistakes to repeat again. Not anymore.
Sarah and her boyfriend, Marshy, got bashed on Monday afternoon. I didn't know this until Tuesday morning. I was so furious at the "gang" who bashed them. Well it was more like another couple who bashed Sarah and Marshy. Sarah's life might be in great danger as she broke her jaw and her jaw might have pushed up to her brain // skull. So she might have internal bleeding in the brain. But that is the doctor's suspicion. She also got a busted lip as well. I am not sure about Marshy though. He got punched pretty hardcore. Petie, Simmi, Lukki and Kayla told the school what happened on Monday afternoon so this situation could be dealt with properly. All they had return was a big lecture from Ms Kath who was screaming at them, telling them it was them who provoked this. Excuse me? It was none of their fault. None of the students fault. It's those people coming up to Marshy first and started to beat the shitashi mushrooms out of him. And you call this provoking? We all thought that the school would actually give a rat's arse about this, but no. Instead, Ms Kath told us (them) that whatever you do outside of school // once you stepped out of the school gates, it is not the school's responsibility. Hypocritcal! What happened to "It is the school responsibilty to look after you, to and from school"? We commonly hear this phrase. It has been jammed down our throats almost every single school assembly. And now two students are injured and the school have nothing to do with it? It doesn't quite make any sense. Sure the matter between Sarah and the people were caused at a party that Emma held, but a student being beatened up afterschool in school uniform isn't school responsibilty? What happened to the student's safety after school, i thought it was the school's responsibilty to ensure and make safe for the students to go home. What even more upsets me is that no one, I mean NO ONE even thought to jump in and break it up. Every passer-by just stood and watched. This behaviour is disgusting. I wish i was there so badly. To try to break the fight up or just do something! Anything! I am so angry, at everyone who was there who did nothing and myself.
Moving on..
Tia decided to leave Jimmies because she cannot handle Davies and Ms. Knight anymore. They are always picking on her. It's so unfair. She's trying her hardest in everything and all they do was to disencourage her. It is really unfair. Where is the justice in this world? Where is Batman when you need him. She's thinking of going to KG. KG!! Out of all places. It's even worser than Jimmies. KG is Brisbane's biggest druggy school. It is absolute shite if you're in the wrong crowd and of course, as a close friend i do not wish her to go in the wrong crowd. I dont want her to start doing silly drugs. She told me she wouldn't, but i dont know. She started smoking again because everyone around her was doing it and she cannot "handle" it. It's absolute bull crap. If the crowd she was in did pot or E, than would she feel the pressure of joining in the fun, If she cannot handle the smoking bit, how the hell is she gonna handle drugs??
I wish i know how to handle all this. To know how to fix it. To make everything alright again.
disappointed, hurt
relief, hurt. Okay. Bearable.
thinking, curious.
Pensive
cheerful and tired