ihrapunk04

At this point, I am completely disgusted with my family. I have done nothing wrong-never lied or cheated-and yet I am still the piece if shit they blame for the death of my Grandfather-claiming that I killed him, but I was only 16 at the time and he never spoke to me then. My Grandmother claims I am the one who hurt him, when in actuality HE is the one who hurt ME. I have all this pent up emotion and anger at him. Some days I wish could take it back, and others I don't regret telling the truth. I just wish I knew just what to do. I miss my family very much.

I have accomplished so much-I am sitting at a 2.6 GPA and I just got into SUNY Brockport. I a, getting closer to my goal, granted it's still going to take a lot of work, but I am bound & determined to reach it.

Now I am 24 years old, I have spent an amazing 5 months with James, just got back on Saturday from a 2 week vacation in the 703 aka NOVA aka ALEXANDRIA VA visiting my dad. I missed it so much down there! Had a total blast catching up with my sister Stephanie, finding out my brother Thomas is getting married in September, and that my cousin Chris is getting married tomorrow! Like wtf mate. Sometimes I wonder about the people I am related to!

On Sunday I went to my Cousin Francesca’s wedding shower, it was fun. I’m excited to see how the wedding is going to bring. James is going to be my hot date. My sexy Edward Cullen look alike. I just think that it is completely crazy that I am so lucky to be with him.

I am on the phone right now with him; he is supposed to be winding down because he has to go to work in the morning. He is upset because he doesn’t think his dad believes in him, like his sister is the saint who can do no wrong; but when he figures out that he wants to try something to possibly better himself, his dad was trying to talk him out of it and stay in the regular job market. That isn’t fair to him. My parents are glad as hell that I am back at college, little did I know I am going to need a master's to go into the field I want to be in.

I love working with kids, and I will be damned if there is another kid on my watch who has to live through the bullshit I went through. But I am exhausted now, will try to relax & get some shut eye.

I am so pissed off right now; I cannot stand how rude my step-father is to everyone & anything that has to do with me. He runs my friends off & quite a few of my boyfriends off, so help me if anything happens to this one, I will get even, no matter what happens!

Since the last entry, I got fired from Sutherland, now have more time to focus on school and my James. Jay is still being the biggest asshole I know. No wonder we all call him Sgt. Dickhead. I am working hard in school to make good grades, keep my chores mostly done at home & nothing still seems to be good enough. I wish he would quit drinking all together, but no matter, he is going to learn he is not the boss of me & he is not going to control who I have in my life. I want him out of my life; he can rot in hell for all I care.

My life will be so much better once he is out of it. I need to graduate from college so I don’t wind up like his fucking dumbass! I am so done with him; I don’t wanna talk to him ever again. BTW any advice anyone on how to deal with the assholes our parents marry when they think they are getting an upgrade for the other parent?

James is still as amazing as ever, I couldn’t ask for a better guy to be with. Supportive of school, will help me with math if I need it. We take care of each other, granted I still want to put the fear of God into his ex. Work is really bad, cuz the phones keep cutting in & out. So I can’t understand customers all that great, also it’s good for the AHT *average handle time* of the whole team, it’s just doesn’t do so well for the first call resolution. I really hope they get that fixed soon. We got new carpeting & linoleum floors at home, it looks super good! I just wish my room was BIGGER.

Jay is still being a jerk, as always, I want that to change. Has he no clue how hard it is to work 30+hours a week, go to school full time, and keep the day to day life in tact as well? The world may never know! It’s a bit of a struggle, but I am working on it.
BTW, DEREK HAS A GIRLFRIEND!!!! The first one in almost 4 years! LIKE WHOA! Her name is Aubrey & she is a sweetie! I’m just trying to kill time until my sociology class @ 3. After that I can go to work & see James. I miss him!

Life is pretty sweet, I just wish my step-father wasn’t such a hardass; it would make things so much easier on me. Too bad he still hasn’t apologized about the ‘attack’, we got into a huge argument, and I went on a slicing spree, wound up in the mental ward for a few hours. He knows I am not ok, and yet he still knows what to say to make me feel like dirt. More later I suppose!

Ok, so thinks with James are going FANTASTIC! I never thought having something THIS good would ever happen to me. Dating my best friend, lol, who would have thought it?
School is making me tired, James is making me tired, my step-dad just got home from Mexico yesterday, and he is making me mad. James was here the whole time he was gone, so now, I have to go back to sleeping alone, BOO! I can’t wait till we get our new house & I can have whoever I want over.
Work is stressing me out still. But other than things could be just a little bit better.

OK, so I have more news now! My step-father is in Mexico for a week to train people down there how to do his job on the machines. While he is away, my new boyfriend is staying at the house. His name is James, we have been friends for almost a year, and we mostly would just hang out on our breaks. We were both seeing someone at the time, so we just kept it casual.

Well after I broke up with Scott & he ended it with Amanda after like 5 years or what have you, something clicked & now we are together. Life is so weird! But right now I am completely exhausted and at work.

School is going good, working hard to keep my grades up. Need to study for sociology; I think we have a test sometime this week. My homework is done, I just have to type the paper I hand wrote last night, while waiting for James for finish shift.

I started a new book, it’s called Fallen by Lauren Kate, it’s pretty sick!

But other than that, I will keep you posted when I can!

I am so fed up right now! My step-dad just chewed me out on the phone because I brought a few glasses out from my bedroom & put them on the counter. He makes me feel like I am nothing more often that not, I’m already on anti-depressants because of him, I am changing mentally because of him & I don’t like it. I miss the happy-go-lucky girl I used to be, cuz the person I am seeing in the mirror now isn’t me. I need to somehow get out of there, I can’t take it! But I have nowhere to go & I hate that more. It’s too cold to live out of my car. I’m single, so it’s not like there is a significant other I can stay with. I’m in a sinking hole I can’t get out of.

I’m writing a poem right now & it’s making me feel better, but I am still mad as hall at him.

On another note, my crush has come to work, I feel better than I would have if he wasn’t, it just sucks that he can’t be mine, and we’ll see what fate decides. So I am talking to, yet again, ANOTHER RIT guy, do I just attract the really smart ones?! Hopefully it will work out better than the other two.

Hope everyone’s New Year went well! I got pretty buzzed & shook my ass all over my house, lmao & at the stroke of 12, we all flashed each other, so a lot of boobs! Lol. I will post the poem when it’s finished! r:

I’m still not heartbroken & still feel like I have made the right decision. There are a few prospects on the board, c’mon, I always do!
One I have like for awhile, the only thing is he is married, I told him nothing is going to happen unless he has moved out & has separation papers, fair enough, since I don’t want another DJ situation.
2- I have known for a while & have been friends for like a year. Very nice guy & sweet, but Idk what to do about that one yet.
3-is the one my mom wants me to date, since he isn’t answering any of my texts, he is so NOT at the top of the list right now.

The puppy is doing fine; she has had a few accidents in the house, but no biggie. So cute, but a bit of a spazz at times. I got 4 sweaters, some pants & new undies & socks. I’m still waiting for the presents from my dad. So I still don’t know what he got for me! But I hope it’s good. I still have to go to school to sign up for classes & go for orientation. So hopefully things will go well & I can do well & have a nice job!

So I finally did it, I broke up with Scott. I feel so much less stressed & like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I feel bad that I did it right before Christmas, but I just couldn’t deal with the stress anymore. I do love him, but we do nothing but fight & I hate it. So I figured we needed some time apart to grow up & to figure things out. I don’t think I am making a mistake, but it feels like it sometimes.

On another note, I AM GETTING A PUPPYYYYYY! A beautiful baby husky! I am so excited! I got to open 2 gifts today, one was the Moonlight series DVD & I got a pair of shoes, so I can’t really complain there! Work is going OK for right now; I just can’t wait to cut back on my hours! I’m hoping things go well the next few weeks *crosses fingers*.

Ok, so it has been 10 days since my last entry, new news:
1. I filled out my fasfa form for school
2. I have classes picked out for my 1st semester back & am changing my major from business to probably psychology, since I want to be a school guidance counselor. I’m great with kids & with all the hell I have been through; I think it would be a good thing to give back to the kids.
3. It’s still on the rocky side with Scott, still can’t make up my mind to cut him loose or keep him, because all the lil things he does is starting to bug the crap out of me!
4. I got all my x-mas done & still waiting for a package to come in the mail for my dad’s.
5. I have gained so much weight that I can’t wear my pants from when I was last in college, GIR.

But other than that, I am pretty excited to start another year at college, better late than never. I picked out Intro to Psychology, Intro to Sociology, a creative writing class & a vocal class, just for fun, math can wait for right now. So hopefully it should be a good start! As for anything else, that will have to wait.