i think it's amazing how my mother is completley conviced she knows the origin of every thought in my head. she thinks she has my world so figured out and there is nothing that i can do that won't suprise her. fuck that.
i cut again today...bad too. i had to change from jeans to a skirt because the fabric rubbing against my leg ripped open the scabs and they started to bleed again. i almost want to show her...just so she knows that it's for her.
so i have been kind of...'neglegent' in my writing. fuck you. it's finals week.
tomorrow=logic exam. i'll probably fail it, but at this point, i really
don't care. to be completley honest, i just want to be done with
freshman year. i want to be able to go home in 4 days and sleep in my
bed in my house in my hometown...as much as i hate it.
i guess really all i miss is my car. oh, rico suave...love of my life...i never meant to abandon you so.
it's late
i need sleep
this entry was not coherent at all...and if you understood it, smoke em.
i tried to think back today to the last time when i was genuinley happy...and all i could think of was jeremy.
yes
jeremy
the boy that shattered my heart into a million pieces with his slience
and his wandering eyes; the boy who was my first love and my first
heartbreak; the boy who won't let me go even after three years.
so why did he make me so happy?
it was so many things... -the way he smiled when he said 'i love you' -how he always called me back when i hung up on him -that summer -that brilliant blue of his eyes -his laugh that was so genuine -the way that no matter how badly my day was going, everything disappeared when i talked to him -his way with words -the way i fell in love with him -how he hated my music, but always let me listen to it -his promise to always love me -how innocent we were
and now look at me. i'm broken.
i'm tired of boys that want to date me for all the wrong reasons...the
boys that are in love with me because they think they can 'save' me;
boys in love with the illusion of being in love.
Black Roses612: weee i gonna go kill my self
Black Roses612: it was nice knowin u im tired of being a disapointment
taut0u1: no!
taut0u1: woah
taut0u1: wait
Black Roses612: *hugs you
Black Roses612: bye
taut0u1: no no no
taut0u1: come back to me
Black Roses612: do me a favor
taut0u1: yes
Black Roses612: listen to rain by 40 bellow summer and the hiddn track from the mourning after by 40 below summer
Black Roses612: and happy? by mudvayne
Black Roses612: then ull understand
Black Roses612: ima go kill my self
taut0u1: seriously
Black Roses612: i got like over 50 pills
taut0u1: wait
Black Roses612: kisses u
Black Roses612: bye
taut0u1: lovely, wait
it's thunderstroming right now...i love storms. they're just so amazing to me.
for some reason i can fall asleep so easily to the sound of thunder and
rain and no matter what; they always seem to calm me down. they are so
beautiful, furious, and wild; so untamed, but so short lived.
i wish i could come and go through life like the rain.
In light just bleed, Angelica
Don't say the lights would not change cause I've seen the gray
Our lives, untouchable
When you see your epic is all in flames
Such coy and winsome lies
Aloft she cries, so high
Thick lovers carry on a passive song
The angel lilts in vain
"We are the ill-advised", she said through a disguise
Fancy and short
Fall asleep with all the things you said to me
Running out of time
I'm not crawling
So hide behind what's weak and point the freaks
To a place that lights your name
So here's some alcohol to shake the fall
A drink that frames the need
And if you run for fame and hold such disdain
Everlong
So walk along the lines
And what you know is everything you had in store
And what you thought that you'd adore
You can't hold all you left behind
In light just bleed, Angelica
Don't say the lights would not change cause I've seen the gray
Our lives, untouchable
When you see your epic is all in vain
The spot light burns inside of me
Cause Bravery is holding my two hands so high in the air
With each breath Angelica sighs
if you EVER fuck with one of my friends, i will fuck your shit up.
messing with my friend's emotions is like doing the exact same thing to
me and i will burn your house down.
in short: guys are dicks. i will kill them all.
especially andrew because he's a dirty little fucker.
i think i've officially decided to just stay single forever...however,
if you asked me yesterday i would have told you the opposite. it seems
to me that right when i think i have my life in order, my heart in
place, and my emotions in check, something comes along and punches me
in the face causing me to lose my balance and to back to square one.
fuck.
my roomate's boyfriend broke up with her last night. i came in the room
and there she was just sitting on her bed; so stone faced. she looked
up at me and just said, "he broke up with me," and right then, i saw
her break down. to me, heartbroken sobs are the worst thing ever. they
come from a place so much more intimate then regular tears to. i've
cried that cry before and never would i wish that pain upon
anyone...ever. having your heart ripped out so carelessly as if
it meant nothing in the first place is enough to make any one person
give up their faith in love foerver.
so how do you help someone who was reduced to nothing in such a short
amount of time? there is nothing you can do to stop that kind of
pain...nothing. you can sit there and tell them that everything will be
ok, that they're better off, that it wasn't their fault...but words are
no match for actions and the actions are what killed them in the first
place. the only way to heal a broken heart is to let your emotions
out. you have to cry, you have to scream, you have to
hate...that's the only way you can ever hope to be whole again.
it's been a year and a half for me...so why am i still not whole?
sore
discontent
worried
calm
pessimistic