Why Can't You Live Without the Attention?

i'm still alive.

Rest in peace Dudley Moore, today is 4 years since you died.

There's something wrong with me, truthfully I have depression and when you do you can't seem to focus on anything really and want to do nothing and nothing gets solved and it's a vicious cycle. I feel like I'm deteriorating.

On Monday, February 20 my nephew Paul John Battipaglia was born. Now I'm an uncle once again. I visited him at the hospital early afternoon. Debbie seemed to be doing well after giving birth and my brother was tired by her side with their first child, my niece Bianca. My sisters and Deb's mom were there too. Little Pauly is cute, darker complexion like me and my brother Paul. Everyone cept Debbie and baby went out to eat, then parted ways. Drove my sister to her car and she drove B to dance school and I passed out in the house. At night got Amanda andwent to my house.

Tuesday night went to the hospital at like 4 AM because my throat felt like it was closing up from what might be an allergic reaction. It had to be from the sushi I ate, maybe it was bad. Drove with Amanda there and spent hours. Sucky night. Came back to my house, talked to dad, then we passed out and lazed around all day Wednesday. Tuesday morning went to court, talked in front of a jury, the guy will most likely serve some jail time, not sure what's going to happen.

Last night watched Disco Pigs with Amanda which was really nice. I love holding her and laying with her. It was a good movie, makes you sad though, makes you long for soemthing your missing or makes you want to give up. It was nice to start watching it in my bed and then finish watching it in my car.

I always feel like I'm doing something wrong, most of the time I just want to disappear.

Happy Birthday to me! Here's a toast to 21!

Fucking snow, though listening to Built to Spill and Modest Mouse in it is nice and being with someone you love makes it warmer, but it is an inconvenience although it still is calming. It's just a pain.

I've been listening to The Blackout Pact and The Escape Engine a lot this week.

I love Amanda <3

I'm having a slight panic attack, I've been having them a lot lately. I've been really scared of life lately. A big part of me wants to die, but a different part of me just is flustered and doesn't know how to get out of this mess called life and pick myself up. I need help or more immediate results, time is not on my side and I'm facing it begging it to wait for me. Things with Amanda have been great for the most part. I've been falling for her and getting closer to her more and more each day. Things with my family have been pretty awful and right now I'm wondering where I could possibly live. I want to ask my sisters if I can stay in their attic or ask my brother, but I feel like and know everyone is upset and disappointed with me and don't know if that would be a good idea. I wonder if I'm best to call the driver's seat of my car bed and if I can scavenge up enough stuff in my room that I want or could sell and at least have them in my car instead of being kicked out with nothing. I'm terrified of everything that has been going on and feel slightly helpless. Most things don't bring me happiness, like life has been sucked from me and I'm nauseous and empty. I wonder if I'm strong enough to survive this world, I want a new start, to get out of New York possibly. I wonder if I die if my college loans disappear or fall on to my family. I'm scared to go home tonight, my dad woke me up cursing me out and saying I'm coming home to another logn talk tonight and am no longer out, I know I'm 20, but if I want to live at home I have to follow all his rules. I'm 21 in 17 days, oh the joy. I feel like I have no one besides Amanda, I hope we're not just wanderign souls that everyone looks down on. I want better in my life and I wish my dad could see what's in my head, I want to make my own decisions and follow my heart, but it's hard. I don't know what to do and I don't want to be depressed and miserable through my life or regret what I could've done. But I'm all talk and not enough motivation or too little effort. I need to learn sacrifice. I need time. I don't know what's happening to my life, but I feel like I should jump off a bridge. I feel like the world's biggest fuck up, a loser, just pathetic. Have a good day. I hope I can last.

Geckolounge: get your ass moving to find better source of income... your an adult now and need to make better money.
Geckolounge: love you... this is why i'm saying this to you

This morning at 3:00 AM I was robbed in front of a deli on Manor Road. I'll write more about all of this later, just my money was taken. For now I have to go and meet up with more cops. It's time for me to wake up. Are you coming with me beautiful?

"I'll take it back to the streets, I'll start again, I'll never look back, Never look baaaaack, Baaaaaaack! How does it feel when you don't feel anything? Don't have a heart attack, Don't have a heart attaaaaaack, But I won't stop you."





Expect a real post soon.

I love my Amanda Bear!!!! <3

HELL YES!

Say Anything is back on the road with 4 shows in March!

March 1, 2006 - New York, NY @ CBGB