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I have to make a reflection though about 4th of July. So last 4th of July was rough. I went to a 4th of July party and kind of felt like a fish out of water. People who were my friends were actively running from me. I got cornered by Best Friend Milton (tm) who tried to tell me about all the people that he hated (that were my friends), tried to demean Apa for being too feminine and submissive to make me think less of them (which in addition to the fact that it is Apa just....why are either of those things things to attack?!), and then clumsily asked me to make out. I was largely excluded from social circles and just kind of stumbled my ass around and like made the best of it because I was drunk and being nosy.
A year later, with those same people, and it felt way different. My friends weren't running from me. I feel like I haven't changed, other than becoming more scared, but I guess whatever bullshit that got said about me in the smear campaign doesn't hold water when you actually talk to me and see me interact. People included me on talking to people. I felt calm and at ease at several points. There was a great catharsis as many people wanted to talk about Best Friend Milton (Tm) and apparently he messed up a lot of people. I was hugged and cuddled and lightly flirted with and people made drinks for me and we relaxed. I got to pet a squirrel and some lovely cats and some rather lickey dogs when I crashed the night at Tchotche's house. I still am on edge but at least I was able to relax a bit.
There's still a lot of social work to do. It's a far cry from how included and loved I was before all of this mess. But I am still trying and some of it seems to be working. (though I do wish it would be working faster).
Apa and me finally had a nice talk where they reassured me that they love me and they defend me to people, just things got really scary for a bit. It was nice to be cuddly and warm for a bit. I am glad to have them back but there's a lot we have to talk about. Juniper was there too, as was Rocan, and it is so good to see them under these pleasant times rather than just the last image of me being one wracked with suicide and PTSD. I just want them to be close friends again and this is a good step in this direction. I love being able to talk to them, though lines outside of these gatherings have not yet been fully repaired.
There was karaoke late at night and some people had really pretty voices. There was also something weirdly poetic about this group of drunk queers singing showtunes while on the wall of the barn where we were holed up to escape the storm there was a poster of the great orange one himself looking down on us all with angry eyes. It felt poetic in the way that would feel forced if it wasn't reality. Even amongst all this mess there can be moments of joy.
I am trying to just value everyone in my life but oh gods I want so much more from people than what I am getting. Some days it is enough but overall not so much. Still I try to preserve these golden days, try to shelter them where I can that way I can hopefully use them to get the people I love back in my life. I never want them to doubt that they are loved, even when we fight, and I want the same security. I can make a thousand friends but people aren't interchangeable to me.
A year later, with those same people, and it felt way different. My friends weren't running from me. I feel like I haven't changed, other than becoming more scared, but I guess whatever bullshit that got said about me in the smear campaign doesn't hold water when you actually talk to me and see me interact. People included me on talking to people. I felt calm and at ease at several points. There was a great catharsis as many people wanted to talk about Best Friend Milton (Tm) and apparently he messed up a lot of people. I was hugged and cuddled and lightly flirted with and people made drinks for me and we relaxed. I got to pet a squirrel and some lovely cats and some rather lickey dogs when I crashed the night at Tchotche's house. I still am on edge but at least I was able to relax a bit.
There's still a lot of social work to do. It's a far cry from how included and loved I was before all of this mess. But I am still trying and some of it seems to be working. (though I do wish it would be working faster).
Apa and me finally had a nice talk where they reassured me that they love me and they defend me to people, just things got really scary for a bit. It was nice to be cuddly and warm for a bit. I am glad to have them back but there's a lot we have to talk about. Juniper was there too, as was Rocan, and it is so good to see them under these pleasant times rather than just the last image of me being one wracked with suicide and PTSD. I just want them to be close friends again and this is a good step in this direction. I love being able to talk to them, though lines outside of these gatherings have not yet been fully repaired.
There was karaoke late at night and some people had really pretty voices. There was also something weirdly poetic about this group of drunk queers singing showtunes while on the wall of the barn where we were holed up to escape the storm there was a poster of the great orange one himself looking down on us all with angry eyes. It felt poetic in the way that would feel forced if it wasn't reality. Even amongst all this mess there can be moments of joy.
I am trying to just value everyone in my life but oh gods I want so much more from people than what I am getting. Some days it is enough but overall not so much. Still I try to preserve these golden days, try to shelter them where I can that way I can hopefully use them to get the people I love back in my life. I never want them to doubt that they are loved, even when we fight, and I want the same security. I can make a thousand friends but people aren't interchangeable to me.
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