It's been so long since I've posted. I always feel like I've aged years since my last post.
I want something different every day. But mostly, I just want to feel.
I like when people dislike me, it's funny. It's free entertainment, at best. I have a bookshelf full of unread books. In my mind, I am a hoarder, minus all the stuff.
Sometimes when I feel like crap, writing is the only thing that makes me feel better. Somehow, I managed to isolate myself even from that. My life changes so absurdly, it's almost surreal. I will be updating this again soon.
Oh ~ one more thing:
Moved AGAIN. I am at move number 15 now. Moved the second week of November to live with a friend Alex [and his friends Paul and his girlfriend Sarah] and lived with them for three weeks until December 1st when I then moved in with a Commie (Sheila - 61 years old) and a hippie (Yeshua - 21 years old) [now living in Ghent]. It's not going as well as I had hoped, but I am going to attempt at making this work. She stated the other day that come fall time she'd like to live on her own. Yeshua has plans to live at some yoga camp in April, anyway. I had some very good, comfortable nights here...but there was this peculiar feeling that something wasn't right for me [probably why I never rightfully set up my room as I had planned].
School is a bit of a drag this semester. And I'm working at the busiest Harris Teeter in the district... the Ghent location. I have 35 hours this week and I'm supposed to be part-time. Totally double what I was getting at the other location, but I don't feel as if I'm giving myself adequate study time.
Anyway, just wanted to at least say all that mess [because, shit, I'm tired...and I'll have to update this right some other time in the near future].
I'm really starting to make an effort to better my life. Classes start Thursday. Wisdom teeth are coming out Monday, pretty nervous about that. I like to remain vague in my posts, but here is something I wrote while I couldn't sleep....
04:40 AM I cannot sleep. 90% of the time, this is due to anxiety. Anxiety, in my case could be a result of something either good or bad. I say good because more often than not, good feelings are alien. I do believe I deserve said positive feelings, they just lead to a wave of vexation. I am more comfortable experiencing what I'm used to (i.e. false content, emptiness, false hope). It is easy to fall into the arms of depression when it's all you've ever known. I'm here to say that I'm tired of feeling like shit for no reason. It's gone on for far too long. I haven't felt alive in ten years. I know how to change. I know how to appreciate what I've got. I know how to run away from what is poison. I am intelligent enough to be fully aware of why these cards were dealt. It has everything to do with weakness, self control (or lack thereof), and the lack of desire for a change. I will not be apart of this self-destructive pattern, though it seems most tempting on the surface. I'm one hell of a lair when I need to be, and I can see through most masks. I'm not here to malice, or to be better than anyone. That's all anyone seems concerned with these days and I'm almost embarrassed to call myself human. I don't know what I'm doing here, but damnit I'm here and I'm going to focus on what makes me feel good.
Things are great. I don't know what it is, but I am finally happy. Got a new bike today (77 custom Schwinn) and got my tickets for Social Distortion next Tuesday. Classes start and my brother gets out of jail May 23rd, exactly two weeks from now. Just life is strange right now.
Dad's in jail, not for weed or a DUI this time either. Liza's a fucking psycho, obv. Uncle Dave and I smoked out of his bong. Things in my life are strange, as usual. Meeting too many exciting people at once honestly. It's unbearable at times.
I feel like life is a fucking prison sentence sometimes....actually, most of the time. I feel bad that all I write are bad things (actually, I kind of made this new LJ account so I can write more positive things, but that didn't last very long)... I mean, I like to be realistic about shit. I'm dying for some sort of change, but I don't know what. My life changes more than most, but nothing has ever been the answer, obviously. Once I'm on my feet, I really do want to get away from my family for a while. I know things are kind of better with my dad and all, but I still feel a negative vibe and a rush of emptiness. It really bothers me that I've never had a decent relationship with ANYONE (in ANY regard... whether it was family, friends, or dating), except a best friend in the past that changed (Felicia, we are friends on Facebook, but it's not the same). Krista is my best friend now, but like I've said I don't always feel like I can talk to her about everything and with my car being broken into, I'm not hanging out there for a while and definitely not spending the night anymore. I understand the family situation (these fuckers don't know how to show love), and maybe the friend situation a little, but I don't see how I have so many failed "relationships".
I need to learn to be less careless. Many things are obviously due to my carelessness.
Well my car got broken into Sunday night. They smashed the passenger window and took my GPS, my phone (which was $500), and my 80G iPod. I mean, I left my phone sitting out in plain view and didn't really think people go around looking in cars, but I guess that's untrue. I think the principle of the whole thing pisses me off more than my shit being taken. I guess I am trying to stay positive here, but it's hard. The window is going to be around $100 to replace, and my friend's dad works at a car shop so he is going to install it for free. Which is really freaking nice of him. I offered to help clean his house and stuff, he doesn't have to do that. We took the car to the shop today to vacuum the glass out and he also put a plastic bag over the window. I'm just tired of the endless bullshit. I'm going to see if I can pick up more hours working at different Harris Teeters. I just feel like I should make an effort to get more hours/make more money to even things out I guess. That's my mindset about shit. Whatever, I'm going to bed.
I haven't been updating due to a lack of things to say. Things are officially over with Mike and I. I don't really care, I'm over it. I had a decent day, finally started feeling better about things. Went out with friends and tasted beer, ate Thai food, and got a cute pair of shoes for $6. Things at home are okay, dad and I are getting along and talking more. It's mainly an awkward thing to talk when we don't know what to say to each other. I still like my job but some small things bother me about it, it's a job and I don't hate it and I can afford my bills so I'm not really complaining. The best part is it's five minutes from home. I've sort of been getting sleep the past week or so, so that's kind of looking up. I'm going to either drink beer, read, or watch a movie when I can't sleep since those things are more productive than sitting here worrying about shit. I can't wait to finally be back in a physical classroom again, I really hate online classes. Also, for the first time in my life, I have a really good circle of female friends. Krista is my best friend, but I don't always feel like I can talk to her about everything. I don't know what it is. Anyway, I think I'm going to eat a little bit of rice and then go to bed.
Well I do like things lately, Mike/Pork has been visiting me. I really like this Harris Teeter location a lot better, it's a low volume store and it gets a little boring at times, but I can handle it. It's better than dealing with rich stuck up assholes who think they're better because they have money (Nimmo Pkwy HT I worked at before).... The only issue I am having is that a lot of times I can't sleep at night. Either having trouble falling asleep (sometimes it takes five or six hours to fall asleep), trouble staying asleep (waking up every few hours), or not getting ANY sleep at all. So, as far as work and home life, things are going well..... school sucks because they're online classes and they aren't very productive. The instructor takes at least a week to write back to a fucking e-mail. She also said she would have the grades posted when we got back from Spring Break, and they aren't. So I'm not taking these classes seriously at all, which sucks because I always ensure that I get an A in every class, but I'm not so sure now. Ah, it doesn't really matter because I'm no longer transferring to a university.
anxious
enthralled
pleased