(On certain days) 5:00 pm - Drive to Minneapolis to rehearse for Three Sisters.
10:00 pm - Drive home from Minneapolis and buy another tank of gas.
12:00 am - Go to bed.
Rinse. Repeat.
The show opens three weeks from tomorrow. I'm already feeling the effects of not enough sleep and I'm only traveling there and back twice a week. When November starts, it'll be every day. Oh, the shit we do for theatre. Ugh.
On weekends, I'm lucky if I can find some time to chill. I tend to keep my sanity if I spend time with Ryan but even living with someone doesn't guarantee that you actually get to see each other. He is busy 24/7 with classes and work and rehearsals and performances. We live on opposite schedules daily. The most I see his face is when he's crawling into bed at 6 am from work and I'm getting up to leave for work.
It's hardest when I want to make plans and nothing works out because of theatre. Between him and me, there simply is not enough time to do something other than watch an episode of some tv show on the couch. I was greatly looking forward to my work's Christmas party because well, I've never been to a work party before and we take a sleigh ride through the snow and then have a wonderful dinner and play games. What a fabulous way to spend time with the only people I socialize with! And of course we're welcome to bring a guest, but unfortunately as I checked Ryan's theatre schedule for his next play's performance dates, the dates coincided. Of course he has a show. He's had rehearsals and performances the last 3 months straight. I guess I'm not surprised.
And sadly, work is the only place I get to talk to people. My other roommate is a tech theatre major (that means theatre, theatre, computer games, theatre). And I don't have many friends in Eau Claire; at least not people that call me up when they're free. They've had the last four years to make friendships, they don't need more. Too bad I'm not one of those girls that actually wants to hang out at the bars at night.
Now, don't get me wrong, I love my life right now. I work at a job that I look FORWARD to working 40+ hours a week. Whoa. But it's not something I'm going to do forever. Maybe not even for the next year. And theatre being both an aspiration and a constant disappointment is something I already knew.
On the bright side, I borrowed Twilight on cd from my co-worker and I listen to it on my long drives to Minneapolis and back. I'm hooked. And there are still 3 more books! We're hoping to go on an employee outing to see the movie together since we've all read it/purchased it/listened to it now.
Two weekends ago I wanted to go out so badly that I called Kathleen and invited her to join me from River Falls. Even though she had to be in Eau Claire the next day, I have a feeling she would have come nonetheless. It's always flattering to be called "baby" and "lady" by random drunk guys, isn't it? I guess this is still a college town. Anyway, it was fun. I was tipsy off HALF A BEER. How sick is that. Haha.
Thanksgiving weekend I'll be heading home to Oregon for the 26th-30th. My bedroom has been converted to a living room for my sister. Hello to the guest bedroom! I suppose it's about time I lost my bedroom though.
I must mention (however I know it's illegal...) that I have become a certified duck feeder. For the past 7 weeks or so, I've been feeding the ducks that live on our lake daily. At first, it was a just a fun way to spend a few minutes (and waste perfectly good bread). Then recently, they walked up onto shore to nibble a little closer. Next, just two days ago, I was feeding them without even leaving the comforts of the apartment. I have somewhat adopted two mallards (one male, one female) and they have acquired our patio as their territory. It brings immense joy to me to be able to be so close to such beautiful and wild creatures. They napped on our grass last night too. I hope this doesn't cause them to ignore the fly south, however. Just don't let the DNR know...I don't feel like paying a $250 ticket. I love them :-)
Okay, I think this is a good enough update for now. Thank you for reading. Please say hi!
I promise to post an entry by the end of the week, if only to remind myself how spontaneous and unexpected life can be in bad ways. Ha! I'm in Oregon until Sunday afternoon with a family reunion mixed in. Wow, I missed the country.
I will not depend on others for my happiness. I will not depend on others for my happiness. I will not depend on others for my happiness. I will not depend on others for my happiness. I will not depend on others for my happiness. I will not depend on others for my happiness. I will not depend on others for my happiness. I will not depend on others for my happiness. I will not depend on others for my happiness. I will not depend on others for my happiness.
I haven't seen the stars this clearly in months. And I believe I won't see them this clearly for many months to come. I feel sick to my stomach and I don't know why. Good morning and good night!
One year ago, I began my journey in a new place at a new job with new people. One year later, I'm doing the same. I think.
I have come to a point in my life where there is no assumption of the future, no inevitable choice mapped out and no one to hold me back. Now that I have graduated from college, my options are limitless. And yet, I've never been so conflicted. There is a job in Minneapolis that I may be offered. A job that would secure me with good money, benefits, and personal development while also helping others in an untraditional way. A job with creative freedoms, deep avenues for independent thinking and also many travel opportunities around the country. Sounds wonderful, right? Well, it's also a several year commitment and it has nothing or little to do with what I've spent my last four years passionately studying. What do I do? Take the job and leave behind my true desire? What DO I really want? I want to act. But I also want to grow and give and learn. Maybe theatre isn't for me right now...I don't know. I want someone to say, Kelly, do this, Kelly, do that. But no one can and I know that. For once in my life, I have nothing waiting for me once the summer is over. No more semesters, just 9-5 and weekends. In the world of performing arts, all I've been told is to keep trying and you will succeed. So if I stop trying, is this it? Do I say no to the job and move to some city, alone, with no money, but a heart for the theatre? Or do I start a new life and possibly find a new passion leaving theatre on the backburner waiting to be picked up again later?
I hate this. I have a bad fear of failure. It is my worst trait. This decision is weighing so unbelievably heavy on my shoulders and I don't have much time to decide. Heck, I was ready to move to Minneapolis on Friday. I must let go of every personal relationship in a way that they can't keep me from what I want and need. I have to pick myself up every day and convince myself that all I need to be happy is confidence in myself and a positive attitude to guide me because others will let me down. They will, they have, and they will again. Why place my happiness in someone else's hands? These legs have been keeping me up all along and every day I'm relearning how to walk. Now, I do not wish to become someone who does not trust nor someone who has little faith in others because I have been disappointed in the past. I have gone down that road before and I became a cold and frightened person. I do not wish that for myself. I wish instead to become someone who takes responsibility for my own feelings and actions and does not depend on another or have expectations for them.
The entire day has been spent contemplating my options and what this job would mean to my life. I feel that I truly understand it and its implications, needs and sacrifices. I feel ready to make a decision now because I wrote most of this entry 5 hours ago and have had more time to sit with it. It's my life and no one else's. I am responsible for my own happiness and I think I'd be happy in Minneapolis. Whew.
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In other news, Ryan's in Missouri for the next 10 weeks on an internship with an Equity theatre. I do not expect to see him again until later in August. That makes the summer quite unworthy of any good weather days perfect for frisbee or tennis.
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I visited my grandma today in Pleasant Prairie. She is just ending a 6-week stint in physical therapy for breaking two bones in her arm and fracturing her hip. She is still the same peppy, good-hearted sweetheart she was before too :-)
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Thanks for reading. Feel free to comment. Father's Day is June 15th, don't forget. This song was my top piano ballad of the day. Quite beautiful with meaningful, personal lyrics. Mandy and Barry's wedding is this Saturday and I'm turning 22 on Sunday.
“Self is ingenious, crooked, and, governed by subtle and snaky desire, admits of endless turnings and qualifications, and the deluded worshippers of self vainly imagine that they can gratify every worldly desire, and at the same time possess the Truth”
How can we all be so guilty of something this ugly?
"A light heart carries you through all the hard times". Lucky numbers: 3, 7, 17, 37, 41, 45 Our lives are made In these small hours These little wonders These twists and turns of fate Time falls away But these small hours These small hours Still remain
melancholy