hi YouTube! today we're gonna be unboxing my boyfriend! [camera pans to a tray of surgery tools, and promptly turns to a boy. he is scared]
I can’t deal with this subreddit sometimes
basketball dracula isn't real dude he can't-- *sudden squeaking noises from the shadows*
*two pool toys having sex tumble by in the wind* oh thank god
*thunderous slam dunk noise*
I WONT LIE FOLKS, THIS WHOLE YEAR HAS BEEN AN EXERCIZE IN STOPPING THE BLEEDING. BUT *CROWD LAUGHS* THAT DOES NOT CLOSE THE WOUND *UPROARIOUS LAUGHTER* NO IT DOES NOT.
my little sister is kinda the funniest person on earth. couple weeks ago she was asking about ska bands because shes not super into it and was curious about what was popular and at the end she shrugged and went “to be honest, all ska sounds like America’s Funniest Home Videos to me 🤷🏻♀️”
no matter how normalised it gets I will die on the hill that it is rude to record strangers in public without their consent
"when people ask how you're doing, they don't really care." most of them do, actually, the amount they care is just directly proportional to how well they know you. you're just mad you can't be the main character of the Twice Daily.
if i am doing shitty and the check out girl asks me, "how are you?" i will say,"man, i've been better." we are strangers to each other. she doesn't need to know my whole life story. she doesn't need to know about my credit score and my hemorrhoids or my uncle in the hospital. she just needs enough to respond "been there, buddy. hey, at least the day is almost over?" and then we part ways. i have been on both sides of thousands of exchanges like this, the only one making you do a little song and dance is you, my friend
Enjoyers of women who are actually morally complicated have suffered more than you will ever know
Sorry, I really can't remove my armor.
How else am I supposed to be a touch starved hypersensitive wreck during courtship?
1000xresist is like. what if the tragedy played out over and over again and it wasn't anyone's fault and it was everyone's fault and you cannot blame the circumstance and it was out of your hands. you are the perpetrator and the victim and the bystander and you cannot forget and you cannot remember and you must keep moving and you must not go too far. you have to live with what you are and that cannot be changed. you can always change. crazy