last saturday i got the tube up to heathrow to see adrian, he's had to move to australia to live with his dad and i had to watch him go through the departure gate. you know when your body just sighs and your heart clenches? that's what it was like. i miss him so much but it's not just that, i feel like i failed him, i should've looked after him better, stayed in chelmsford so he could live with me and get to stay here. i hear from him everyday in some way or another which is good, i hate it when he says he's homesick though, that kills me. so depite this, i've actually had a really good time since i got back from kenya, had a chance to catch up with some people, dan (costa dan not rutland) has stayed over a couple of nights and we've smoked like chimneys, emulated the early morning birds swooping over the crops and laughed hysterically at nothing. and i met up with tom again and we stayed up til early morning just hanging out and chatting. went to jazz night at the bassment with kerry and simon which was ace. decided guthrie is a sexy ugly and when he plays i want to take him home and well... i've been back to the bay and met some new funny people. and james aka postie is back in town and we had a cool chat, apparently he's organising loads of stuff for fresher geologists which is ace. he's really friendly and it'll be nice having someone i know there. nathan, jack and matt stayed over on friday night and we had a laugh, the new demo is nearly finished and it honestly sounds great. not at the standard of a signed band or anything, but it's promising. the riffs jack and nath are coming up with are truly awesome. i got my lip pierced again, same side just like 4mm inwards from the original one. i've decided to get my tragus done next, though we'll see depending on the money situation. i'm quite set on getting dreads again, i'm just not keen to push it again with my mum yet, she'll have a fit when she sees my lip.
and went to chicagos again yesterday, it was good to see peter and hannah and frances because i hadn't seen them in ages. peter and i were thinking of organising stargate night for saturday or something, frances? whenever you can make it. i'm sorry i was a pathetic stoned twat last night, i wanted to talk, to catch up and stuff. im a shit host. mandy (phil) came aswell which was so great, he's just fucking hilarious. and so nice too. and angelina called today, which was just the highlight of my week because i have missed her so much, she's just back from america. and we shall probably talk til our tongues fall out tomorrow but i can't wait.
i've not stopped being a teenager and moping/fretting/fantasising about every aspect of my life. oh yeah been fucking it up a bit too. i've continually messed with my head, deciding i like someone, but that although all i want is a physical thing, [because being fair i am eighteen and am quite liking the idea of a summer fling that's just about sex] but knowing that it's stupid because they wouldn't want me. then someone else, but that's just wrong because a good friend of mine has feelings for them. or someone else because they are too far away. or someone else because we are too good friends and i don't want to risk them realising who i really am. or someone else because i used to love them and feel comfort in knowing that love is a good thing, and that we were never going to get together but it not making the feeling any less happy that they exist.
i know this makes no sense, i'm just hoping that random babbling about this will induce an epiphany of sorts so i can get back to thinking about important things and not pathetic self obsessed shit that has suddenly become an issue.
i'm just smoking constantly because i don't want to think about those serious things anymore. obviously it's because i love the feeling, i love how it all becomes even more precious to me, how things feel in tune. but i hate not knowing what i'm feeling and thinking. and although getting stoned makes me forget about it, it doesn't make it go away. i don't know if i'm happy or sad, i don't know what i should do. i need some direction. today is the day i decide to stop taking drugs. for the next week anyways. and it's not just because i have a pitiful amount left and am too skint to buy more. there are things i wanna do, actually do and not just think about. i'm gonna get me a temping job. i'm gonna sort out tickets for the gigs i wanna go to. i'm going to go back and do some pottery. i'm going to read all those books that i've ever wanted to. i'm going to work and achieve something. i'm really fed up of being a waste.
i always fucking leave things, 'yeah i'll do it later, yeah when i have more time' what the fuck do i have now? time. and that's it. i think i've said 'i can't be arsed' more times then george bush has been called a dickhead.
truth is it's all talk and i'm just so scared
scared of failing, of not being good enough, of being hated, of being nothing.
i miss my mum too, she's not back til the ninteenth, which yeah is cool, woo month to myself, but i miss all my family and spiros calling from kefalonia yesterday made it even worse. i miss yiayia and i miss adrian so much and i just want someone to hug. someone who knows me, like actually deep down. and that's no one. and that's sad.
i don't know if it's lightning or my eyes spazzing out.
i'm going on a cleaning mission....gonna sort my life out and get rid of the clutter.
hopes_fall anymore. 