believing in beautiful

sorry ive been so absent lately guys, i hope everyone is staying strong and positive. im going away til monday, so stay safe over the weekend and i shall try and post more when i get back.
also, can ppl post love and hugs for our other loverly mod- Kel and also Karen?

*loves & hugs to you both* i hope you feel better ♥
xxx

thanks so much for being so supportive. i am amazed by how much i just feel like sleeping and not waking up. i found out that it takes about three weeks for divorce papers to get from the clerks office (the day of being filed) to being delivered. so that means that its been over three weeks since roy filed for divorce. he sent a check in for my school the other day. i really want to tell him about jason just to piss him off. i think that he would have a heart attack if he found out how old jason is. i know it sounds bad but we didnt know that we were 10 years appart when we met. but back to business. i am trying so hard to stick to eating 3 meals a day. its so hard for me. my anut and uncle were in lubbock this weeked so i spent most of the time with them. i ate alot....more than i ever have. but i'm okay...i think i fear eating too much instead of not eating at all. i hope that i can stay on track. i've tried so hard and gotten so far in recovery. i can't let this get me down. i'm stronger than all of this. i just need to prove all of this to myself. i hope i can. more later....going to pick up my roommate from the airport. hugs girls!! have a great day...love you all

today when i was talking to my mom i found out that she was served divorce papers on tuesday nite. she said that she couldn't bring herself to tell me. but now that i've found out i just want to hurt roy (can't call him dad anymore). for obvious reasons i'm a little freaked out that i'm going to fall back into old habits. more soon...any advice for stayin on track

okay so im not sure where to begin. this past week has been really horrible. i found out friday that my dad left my mom the saturday before and nobody tought that i should know. my older sister and i have been talking alot lately so i guess that is the only thing thats good that can come from this. but if my father really goes thru with this our lawyer told us we are going to take him to the bank. so as far as i care he can sit in a box on the side of the road. i know that its a horrible thing to say but he told me that he's been unhappy for like 10-15 years. which is so weird cuz 6 yrs ago when my dads parents got divorced he swore to us that we would never have to go thru this. i'm really worried that all this will be such a trigger for me. i don't handle loosing control of my life well. thats why i started this stuff to control something in my life. i just don't know what is going to happen. roy (my dad) was supposed to call my mom to meet for lunch or something today but he didn't so i'm guessing that not calling is his way of telling her that he is done. i feel broken. i have to go to class...i'll try and write more later. i missed you girls. hugs and kisses

hey girls i'm so sorry its taken me so long to update and this can't be very long. i moved into school last saturday and its going ok so far. i promise that i'll check in with everyone later. i miss y'all bunches. hope everyone is doing well. i love you all

im so tired. i just feel like quitting. i don't feel like i deserve to recover. today was horrible. fight with dad about money. jason called and i don't know what he said cuz i was half asleep. i just want today to end. read my lj and you can see how terrible my day was. i'm sorry for being such a downer today girls. but its been one of those days. please i beg that you have a better day than me.

today was not such a good day. my little sister thru a huge fit and she nearly smacked the crap out of me. i can't stand her...i didn't feel like doing anything so all i did was eat. then i purged. it felt so disgusting...and now i feel so disgusting. i hate this feeling...its like the feeling i had after my one night stand in mexico. now i just feel guilty. i hope the nite gets better. i'm supposed to have dinner with my parents. and i don't think that i can be around food right now. my ex called me last nite...i didn't answer because i was driving home from austin with my dad and the top was down so i couldn't hear my phone. i am really not sure what to do about him. its like tbe more he ignores me the more i want him. but when he calls me i get all nervous and i feel like never eating again. more later...hope everyone has a better day

so sorry it has taken me so long to post here my life has taken the fast track to wow! lately between recovery and teaching oye! anyhow I read every day just want to check in and say hi life is going well days are sometims a struggle like today I wasnt sure if I even wanted to eat or not but I do chose to live and recover so I must choose to eat no matter what I have to remember just cuz I feel it doesnt mean its true ( body image wise!) I will post as soon as I can again love you all !

before i tell all about my weekend i just wanted to say thanks...i feel such support and its an amazing feeling to know that someone else knows what you are feeling. the weekend itself was extended by one day because my mom and our friend julie wanted to go shopping. we went to this huge outlet mall and it was so much fun. for the first time in a long time trying on clothes wasen't painful. i actually asked for a bigger size....without shedding one tear. as crazy as it sounds it was liberating to feel okay to ask for a different size. i avoided the whole swimsuit thing because i felt like it would totally ruin the weekend. so i just stayed at the house and rode around on the jet-skis. with a shirt and cheer-shorts over my swim suit. it actually was okay. little victories...thats what i'm going for now. i hope everyone has a good day.

okay everyone....thank you so much for your comments. i'm leaving until friday nite or saturday morning. we don't really know yet. i'm really nervous because we're going to the lake and we'll be going on the boat. which means i have to go around in a swimsuit. it's a little scary. i'll update as soon as i get back. i hope everyone has a great couple of days.